Why aren't all moms like mine?

Sappy title, huh? But there's truth in it, so it stands. Yesterday was the 19th anniversary of her being ripped out of my life, unexpectedly and quite unceremoniously. It got me thinking. Thinking about the kind of mom she was, the mom I am today, and the way some women choose to parent that simply doesn't work and is frankly, stupid. I am certainly not saying that I am the perfect parent and all parents should bow down before me. Oh hell no, nothing could be further from the truth. We all make mistakes, it's part of being human and we couldn't learn anything without them. Having made my share along the way, I can speak with some amount of wisdom about the subject.

When I see a mother in Target attempting to reason with her 4 year old regarding why he can't open a toy right off the shelf and run around the store with it, but perhaps if he behaves in a semi-appropriate manner for at least part of the shopping excursion, he can have any toy he wants...before he gets to go to McDonald's and clog his tiny little arteries...I shake my head in disbelief. What's her first mistake? Part of me wants to say, having the child in the first place. But that would be mean, and I'm never mean...only honest. Since, she already let her husband ride without a helmet, we can't move backwards. The little snot rocket is all hers, at least until he's 18. Her first mistake, my friends, is thinking you can reason with someone who still eats his own boogers. Children are not to be treated like tiny adults and then able to cause shock when they don't live up to the challenge. Assuming they even understand half of what you are trying to tell them, they don't care!

There was no bargaining or reasoning with me when I was little, hell, even as I got older there wasn't a ton of wiggle room. There were rules in my house...and I followed them. Most of the time. Of course, every kid tests the boundaries, and I wasn't immune to it. I had to put my hand on the stove even after my mom told me not to...and I had to deal with the burns on my palm and a hearty dose of her version of "I told you so" thereafter. Cursing seemed like fun at the time...until my mom shoved a bar of soap in my mouth to "clean" it out. That taste fucking lingers! She didn't say, "Please don't bite me, we don't bite, sweetheart" to stop me from biting. I was told very clearly that if I did, she'd bite me back. And she did. First and last time I bit anyone. Magical. Sweet talk is not meant for disciplining children. It sends mixed messages, and it certainly doesn't make you sound very sure of yourself. Especially those of you who end every request, and why are you requesting, with "okay?" as though they could tell you, "No, I'd prefer not to do that right now" and you'd be fine with it.

The way kids talk to their parents these days makes my hair stand on end. I have to laugh because all I can do is think about what would happen if I spoke that way to my mom. My guess is that I would still have her hand print across the right side of my face today. Never in my life have I considered talking to her the way I hear kids talking to their moms. Do they really think it's perfectly fine to scream and curse at the woman who gave them life? Tell her that they don't give a shit what she has to say, that she's an idiot, and they are going to do what the fuck they want to, anyway? I'd be lucky to have teeth and be able to sit...even now. That woman not only gave you life, she sacrificed in ways you will never be aware of, goes without so you can have all the crap you demand of her, acts as your nurse, chauffeur, cook, costumer, personal shopper, science project maker, advocates for you behind the scenes, holds you when you are sick and afraid, stays up all night and worries when you aren't home...and you have the fucking balls to speak to her in a manner not fit for a junkyard dog? That life she gave you? You don't deserve it.

Of course, being a mother isn't all discipline and martyrdom. Believe it or not, it's supposed to be fun, at least part of the time. That was something I learned from the time I was very small...moms are supposed to be fun. Not topless, drunken fun...but fun to be around, no matter what age you happen to be. I've noticed that today's stay-at-home mom would rather spend time with her friends, shopping and having coffee than actually being with the child for whom she "gave up" working. When your child spends more time in day care and preschool, and later on, in all sorts of activities (time-fillers), you aren't really being a mom. Mom, by definition, is a full-time job, even if you work outside the home. Why are you paying someone else to play with your kid? Not surprisingly, kids are a hoot to be around. Their sense of adventure, the newness with which they see all the old shit you've become immune to, their lack of boundaries, and the maniacal laughter that's so easy to illicit...why the hell wouldn't you want to hang out with your kid?!?!

Saying my mom was fun is really not doing her justice. She was a fucking riot! While I was encouraged to figure out how to cure my own boredom, that doesn't mean she didn't engage me in any way. What it actually did, was encourage my own creativity so that when we did play or spend time together, it always had the potential for being a freaking good time. From having spontaneous water fights in the house because she was spraying down her plants and noticed that she could also spray and chase me throughout the apartment, to blaring Latino music when we drove through certain neighborhoods to "fit in," to her brake-dancing in the car making me lurch forward repeatedly at red lights while she got her groove on, to being summoned to dance around the living room because, well, one of her favorite songs happened to be on, to being encouraged to exercise my own dry, sarcastic sense of humor because she could match me, line for line...she knew precisely what her only child needed from her. I needed a mom who was strict enough to enforce her rules, but intuitive enough to be my best friend.

My mom may have been quick with the flying slipper, and she may have yelled way more than most of you are accustomed to...but without question, she was better than yours could ever dream of being. I know this because it's a fact. From her, I learned it's easier to laugh at an annoying situation than cry about it. I learned to enjoy things most of you wouldn't even notice because you've become jaded to the world around you. How many of you even hear the music they play in your local supermarket, much less sing along in the aisles, oblivious to the other shoppers? I can enjoy even the simplest chore because I know how to make a game out of it. Even going to the gym, which is painful to me, can be fun with your daughter...why? Because when she asks you to do something beyond your realm of ability, all you have to do is become Rain Man and start repeating "No, no, no, no" while banging the side of your head. Yeah, I did that. Did she mind? Are you friggin kidding me right now???

They Exist on Facebook, Heaven Help Us!

Before you tell me that I've ranted about this before, let me stop you in your tracks.  I have touched upon several of these characters before and in various different posts. I've given my opinion, doled out advice, blasted and lambasted these fucktards. Yet, they are still there! This is another attempt to get cyberspace back on track and return social media to a fun place to hang out.  Isn't that what we all really want? I can't be alone in thinking this way. Recognizing that I DO dance to my own drummer most of the time, I also realize that I voice opinions others wish they had to balls to speak aloud. Let's begin our journey through the people of Facebook...

1. The Gamer. A very long time ago, I did partake in the ridiculous Zynga games offered by Facebook. They were time-consuming and fucking moronic. Yet, I did drink the Kool Aid at one point. Then, my brain began functioning at a normal level again and I realized how much of my day was devoted to my mafia and my farm. I quit all my games cold turkey and un-friended all my gamer buddies who were there only to serve as my pawns and provide assistance. Today, when I see people who spend an inordinate amount of time playing these mind-numbing games and filling my feed with nothing but requests, I all but lose my shit. If you want to waste the better part of your life being consumed by these games, have at it. Have a separate friend list for the other time sucks who actually play them, too, and post to their fucking walls! I've already used the block notifications function, don't force me to block you, as well.

2.  Hyena/Serial Liker. You've undoubtedly seen this one on your feed. The ass clown whose only comment is LOL. Seriously, you have nothing else to say but that you are laughing at every post you see? Contribute to the thread and it will become even funnier. Saying LOL means you lack the vocabulary to have a conversation with a fucking toddler. When all you can muster is an acronym, don't bother. It's annoying as shit and frankly, I don't care if you are laughing. I don't exist to entertain you. Say something, like, "You crack me up!"  That is a whole sentence, I know, which may be beyond your abilities. But try. For my sanity. Then, my personal favorite asshole, the serial liker. The person who trolls the feed and clicks like on every post they see, indiscriminately. I say that because I've see people "like" the death of someone's grandma! If you truly have nothing to say, don't. Because zipping down the feed clicking like on everything you see will eventually piss someone off...liking their unemployed status, for example? Actually take the time to read the posts and comment when applicable. Like a semi-intelligent adult...if you can. Otherwise, just read and move on.

3.  Drama Queen/King. Sweet baby Jesus, Facebook has become the home of some seriously pathetic people as of late. Life is not usually that hard, yet this dumbass will post something every day that make is seem like they are living a nightmarish existence, are close to jumping off of a bridge, might kill someone, and is definitely always crying. If your life is truly that bad, perhaps you should spend more time trying to fix what's apparently very broken rather than sitting for hours on end in front of your computer lamenting about it to people who don't give a rat's furry little ass. Sometimes the overly dramatic will be intentionally elusive in order to ensure they get the most air time and by extension, the most comments. Some of my faves are: UGH, Heartbroken, Life Sucks, and Whatever. May I suggest therapy? Maybe some prescription medication? You aren't going to fix your life by posting about it on Facebook. Especially when people like me are sitting on their fat asses, drinking a cup of joe, and laughing like fools at you!

4. The Attention Whore. This is the not-so-distant cousin of the Drama Queen/King. Facebook is filled with this type of douche canoe. We've discussed this one ad nauseum, but I don't think I am reaching this window licker. The incessant selfies are enough to make anyone want to burst into a technicolor yawn, but they don't stop there. They, too, post their latest gripe or whine just like the Drama Queen/King. But it's never quite as dramatic or meant to tug on your heart-strings. It's there to get your attention. And they are very practiced at this move. A simple dramatic or sad song lyric is all it takes for this broad's friend list to blow up and start commenting with questions like, "Are you OK?" and "What happened?" Mission accomplished! Attention gained! Bitch, please. If you had real live friends, and something was wrong, you'd be on the goddamn phone with them instead of posting leading stati.

5.  News Reporter.  Every friend list has several of these characters. Never a personal post to be found, these people insist on bringing us the news, as it happens. While I do understand if you find an article that expresses something that you feel personally strongly about and want to share it. Certain topics are very intense and incite feelings in us that we absolutely have to share. I get it, I do it. But, when you find yourself posting the local weather every morning and every lost dog, garbage strike, and traffic alert...sit on your hands if you must, but just STOP. If we want the news, the TV is available to us while we are getting ready for work in the morning and we can tune in to the latest local and world happenings if we choose. Save your time and energy for something important, like Zynga games. Of course, I'm being facetious. Get a fucking life.

6.  Google Genius. Not too bright, but this person can sure Google information and post it as though they were his own thoughts. We all know this person. In fact, we went to school with him, so we know he's not the sharpest tack in the box. Yet, sit his ass in front of his laptop, and watch the information diarrhea take place all over Facebook. Factoid after factoid instead of normal status update, he fills your feed with shit you don't care about. Hell, he doesn't care about it, he only wants to appear smarter than a box of rocks. One day, I'm going to upset his brainy little apple cart and ask detailed questions about a couple of his heavily-Googled posts. Then, we can all laugh as he scrambles to formulate an intelligent response to a question regarding a topic about which he knows less than nothing! Ahh, the simple joys.

7.  Preacher Man/Woman. Lordy, lordy. There's at least one in every friend list, and each one more annoying than the last. I don't care if you practice organized religion, are a Buddhist monk, or an atheist. We are all entitled to freedom of religion or lack thereof. Worship to your little heart's desire. Attend daily masses and read the Bible every night. Everyone has that right. What you don't have the right to do is pontificate all over my fucking Facebook feed. I was born and raised a Catholic, still am, but with slight differences of opinion on a few topics. I do my own thing, in my own way, and none of you are the wiser. Why? Because unlike Jehovah's Witnesses, I will not jam my religious beliefs down your throat. Nor will I clog up your happy time online with thousands of Bible quotes and opinions of the church in an attempt to make you feel like a heathen. It's not my job to convert you, nor is it to save your sorry ass. The same goes for you, Facebook Jesus. Stop posting all sorts of religious drivel all day, every day. We all know what a sinner/whore/horrific person you were before Facebook hit the scene. Pretending you are holy now does nothing but solidify your standing as a hypocrite, as well.

8.  Creeper. This person reads Facebook all day long, but you'd never know it to look at the feed. Never posts, never comments, never even LIKES a status. They don't necessarily want you to know they stalk your wall and the walls of most of their friend list. The truth comes out on the day something interesting crosses their screen and they can discuss at length everything they've read, including the comment thread. Fucking stalker freak. Just drop a like or a "I smell what you're steppin' in" here and there or you will be persona non grata on my friend list and the friend list of most of the people on Facebook. Nobody likes a snoop and that's all you are when you refuse to participate. It's a game, goddamnit, play it or get off the playground!

These are just 8 of the people you'll run into on Facebook. There are quite a few more and feel free to add to my list in the comment section. I've left some out intentionally to test your people skills. My expectations are quite low as I know you aren't the brightest crayon in the box. Some of these people make me want to drive a nail into my own eye. I'd rather it be theirs but the whole prison thing scares the bejesus out of me. Social media is a game for adults and as soon as you all learn the rules, the more fun we can have. If you can't seem to cooperate by following these rules, I won't hesitate to kick your ass out of the sandbox. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

If you dish it out, you'd better be able to take it

We've all heard some variation on that statement. There's always someone who can rag on others but the second someone calls them out on their bullshit, they are grotesquely offended. It's a fucking playground rule! Don't dish it out if you can't take it. Plain and simple. Some folks think they can act like total asswads and then if someone acts the same way, they become pissy and lose their shit. Guess what? Double standards suck ass and so do you. Here are a few things that people do that seem to be intolerable in others.

1.  Arrogance.  Don't you hate people who are know-it-all bastards? Aren't those that act like they are better than you and their shit smells like roses the most aggravating motherfucks on the planet? Then why do you do it? There is nothing that challenges my ability to bite my tongue more than arrogance. Perhaps I should let fly with what is really on my mind as they spew out what they want me to believe is the gospel and completely factual but is actually a giant load of steaming horse shit. Maybe I could just choke the fuck out of them? Since prison orange looks awful on me, and we all know how focused on my looks I am, I'll refrain from homicide. But I am beginning to lose my edit button with these shit stains. More often than not, they are totally wrong and sound like they are making it all up as they go along. Sounding uneducated, at best, these morons are always looking to show off their vast knowledge on every topic known to man. Nothing gives me greater glee than when they attempt to flex their brain muscles at someone who happens to be an expert on the topic, like when they motor on about medicine to a doctor. Ah, the sweet, sweet sound of their balls shrinking up into their stomach is so worth it.

2.  Rudeness.  What is it that gives someone the idea that they can treat someone poorly based upon the job they currently hold? I'm talking about people who are rude to service providers, waitresses, cashiers, bank tellers, salespeople in stores, mail carriers...anyone they deem less than educated. There is never an excuse to be mean to someone simply based on how they earn a living.  For many reasons, top among them is you don't know if they are working there because they got laid off from their very high-paid job and now are scrambling to make ends meet. Maybe they hold a master's degree in physics...but you'd never know that because they are busy trying to keep a roof over their family's head. Maybe they couldn't afford higher education and are quite happily doing what they like, working with people. People who treat them like an equal, not a servant, unworthy of a polite word. A little kindness goes a long way. Didn't your mother teach you that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar? Pay attention to your mother, asshole. She could teach you a thing or two about life.

3.  Moody.  So many folks these days change moods like I change underwear. It's like walking through a daily minefield and causes more stress than is ever necessary in my life. I'm not certain if it is the overuse of mood-altering drugs prescribed by well-meaning physicians or if it's simply because people are not equipped to handle the normal stresses of life because they were treated like veals as children. Either way, it's most definitely NOT my problem and I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells just to get through my day because you happen to be in my life. Yet, interestingly, if I were to burst forth with a perimenopausal mood swing, I'll bet Mr. or Mrs. Crankyass would notice and likely call me out on it. They'd probably tell me not to take MY shit out on them! While they may be absolutely right, they're also the biggest hypocrites breathing my air. It's never acceptable for anyone to take their moods out on another person. It's worse when you have the dangling ballsack to get pissed at me when you do it all the fucking time.

4.  Braggart. Isn't that a great word? Fun to say, awful to be one. Pisses you off when you encounter one of these lovely people, doesn't it? Rubs your ass so far in the wrong direction, you can actually taste your hemorrhoids. Yet, you do it every fucking chance you get. Oh, you'll deny it, that's for sure. But you are guilty as festering sin. My kid is so smart, so beautiful, so funny, so talented. My wife is the best cook, driver, tennis player, lover. I can speak seven languages, bake French pastries with one hand, build bookshelves with my eyes closed, and still have time to teach my children how to play the violin...professionally. Yes, I am perfect and so is everything in my life. Don't believe me? Check my Facebook and Twitter accounts, they will attest to that fact. But, holy mother of the sweet baby Jesus, if someone else attempts to announce something great about their day, Mr. BraggySack will lose his marbles. Christ on a cracker, there she goes again! He can't handle someone else being good at anything much less simply being happy or proud of something. A little too close to home and way too familiar for this fuckwad.

5.  Condescending.  Just as awful as being rude, talking down to people is one of the worst traits a person can possess. It's that tone, that fucking snide, nasty, bitchy tone that sets my teeth on edge. This person approaches everyone like they are stupid little children in constant need of correction. Lovely. While it's frustrating to deal with this type of asshole, for me, they are also the easiest to deal with...know why? Because they cannot stand to be spoken to that way! And there's nothing I like better when dealing with this type than to talk JUST LIKE THEM. Treating them the way they seem to love treating others, like a total fucking brainless idiot just tickles my tits. Nothing is more fun than watching the look on their face when you talk down to them exactly the way they just did to you. Seeing the steam shoot out of their ears and their faces turn beet red is worth the effort. Yeah, they don't seem to like it very much. Can't imagine why...they do it, so it must be okay.

6.  Dishonest. This is not your run-of-the-mill liar. Those are boring as fuck. I'm talking about the kind that lie to make themselves look good. The story embellishers, the kings and queens of inflated fabrications. The people who take a basic life incident and turn it into something worthy of the evening news. If all you said to the jerk who cut you off was, "You weiner," then when you relay the story, say so. Don't tell me you jacknifed your car in front of theirs, jumped out, yanked their door open, pulled them out, and punched them in the throat. Even if that version is way more interesting, it's not true. Save the word-weaving for some written fiction, not speaking to someone you consider a friend. Nobody likes to be bullshitted. Friends aren't judging the entertainment value of what you tell them, they are just interested in your life. Tell the truth, shame the devil...as my mom used to say to me when she thought I was being "creative" about something I did. Save your lies for some idiot who believes your long line of crap, it sure as hell isn't me.

If you act this way, don't expect any better from others. If you treat people like day old dogshit, you need to understand that they will do the same, in spades. If you act like an asshole, you can't hold others in your life to a higher standard. If you talk down to someone, know that you will be spoken to the same way by me or someone just like me. When you dish it out, you'd better be able to take it. Don't be a pussy. Those are playground rules, bitch, and they still hold true for adults. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Are you missing out on life by telling ME about it? Twitter addicts, come clean.

Well, are you? Are you one of those serial tweeters? Is everything that happens all day long showing up on Twitter? Do you even know what your family looks like anymore? Or are you too busy letting your twitter followers know the minutiae of your life? This is just another example of social media spiraling out of control. Not only do we NOT need to know what you just ate, but I'm sure the person with whom you are eating may like some of your attention to be focused on them instead of your fucking phone. Oh, you know who you are...every time you move, eat, drink, fart, or have sex...we know about it. We also know which Starbucks you frequent and with whom since you check in religiously. Are you even able to have a conversation without your phone logged into Twitter, rapidly typing those 140 characters or less, letting us know that you ARE having a chat? Let's discuss the times in your life that you shouldn't be tweeting and should be living your actual life instead.

1.  First date. Do I even have to say this? It's bad enough you probably met online and have no clue if the other person is a serial killer. On the off chance that they are a decent human being, you've now chosen to ignore them so you can tell US all about them, moment by moment. Not only is it rude, it's stupid. Ignoring the person you are with to tell us about the date that basically isn't happening because you are too busy tweeting to engage the person sitting across from you is what will ensure that you remain single for a very, very long time. Even a second, third, or 24th date requires paying attention to the other person instead of your cell phone...what a dumbass!

2.  Your wedding. Christ on a crutch, who does this? Apparently more people than I ever imagined. I just don't get it. One of the biggest days in your life, and instead of truly enjoying the moment, you are tweeting the fuck out of the situation, complete with photos. What the fuck is going through your mind? All of your close friends and relatives are there, so they don't need to be told the details. Who are you telling? Strangers who now know you aren't home...genius. Oh, and the ones who aren't considering robbing your house and raping your dog, don't give a runny shit. They weren't even invited. I think that ignoring the bride or groom on the altar to tweet about how the flowers smell or that the tux makes your balls itch is grounds for divorce.

3.  Vacation. Wait a minute, don't jump ugly with me just yet. I'm not saying that a well-placed photo or check-in at a really cool spot while on vacation is unacceptable. Far from it, it's interesting and fun for those of us reading. What I am trying to tell you, that if you are tweeting more than a few times per day while on vacation, you aren't really ON vacation at all. How can you possibly enjoy the sites, sounds, and smells of the beautiful place you chose to holiday if you are glued to your phone trying to tell your 4K followers about each step you've taken, drink you've guzzled, and song you've heard since you arrived? Put the phone down and actually be present in the moment, vacations are few and far between. Personally, I think people who can't pry their fingers off of their phones while away should have their phones confiscated and thrown into the ocean. Take a fucking swim, fucktard...without your phone.

4.  Funerals.  This should be a given. You are there to pay your last respects to the deceased and support the grieving. That's it! Never is it okay to check in at a funeral home. Nor is it socially acceptable to take and post photos of the occasion. I've seen this happen and was so horrified, I was rendered speechless. We all know how hard that is to accomplish, so you know it was BAD. Are you aware that there are females who used this opportunity to take a selfie, sometimes with the corpse, and post it to their favorite social media site? "So sad, grandma died" and an accompanying photo with the casket! These are people I'd love to set on fire. Why bother attending the service if you aren't going to behave appropriately? Why bother if it's clear to you that you really don't care that anyone died, you only see it as a chance to wear that hot new black dress and take lots of photos that you can immediately post online? Sickening as hell.

5.  At the gym. I am thrilled that you value your health so much that you frequent a health club and work out regularly. Bully for you! Please continue to do so, you aren't getting any younger, and perhaps consider adding more fiber to your diet while you are it. People my age will understand why I said that. However, if you are that concerned about your body, then focus your time and attention on it. When you spend more time checking in to the gym and taking tons of photos of the equipment and you using it, I doubt you are getting your membership dues' full value. Most of us don't want to look at your sweaty ass while you are on the elliptical...if we did, we'd be at the gym with you. Since my fat ass is on the couch reading your tweets, perhaps you could spare me the "glow" you are sporting all over your face, pits, and ass crack and just concentrate on your heart rate, for example?

6.  Movie theater. Is this a necessary rule to have in writing? Just like you shouldn't be texting in a theater because we can all see your goddamn phone lighting up every 4.5 seconds, you shouldn't be tweeting during a movie, either. Partially for the same reason. I don't want to be distracted during a movie by your phone. Ticket prices are through the roof and if I've paid full-price, I want to actually enjoy the movie. I came to see the actors on the big screen and have them entertain me, not have the burst of light beaming out of your iPhone pull my glance away from the movie. Are you even watching the movie if you are tweeting about the popcorn and soda you are consuming? I can't imagine you have the amazing ability of using one eye to look at your phone and using the other to actually watch the movie you paid to see. Since we both know that is physically impossible, and we've also come to the realization that you are pissing off an entire theater, it's time to just fucking stop. Tweet after if you must, I'm sure your followers totally want to read your review of the movie...especially if they are as mentally deficient as you.

Life is short, happiness is fleeting. Wasting the time you are gifted with seems a bit moronic, at best. When you stop being in the moment and instead are busily announcing the moment to hundreds, even thousands of strangers, you've essentially stopped living. Is that the legacy you want to leave behind for your children? Tens of thousands of tweets about things you've done, but not really paid attention to, rather than creating memories that will live on in their hearts? If you want a place to save the memory, might I suggest a photo album? Remember those? Take a photo, print it out, and shove it into the plastic slot for safekeeping. For the love of all things holy, pay attention to what is going on around you. Life is racing past you, grab it by the balls or you are going to find yourself missing out on all the good stuff while you are gazing lovingly at your goddamn phone. Nobody lives forever. Are you friggin kidding me right now??

A killer is a killer, not a color and George Zimmerman is a killer.

I get it, Jesus H. Christ, I get it. Black people kill white people, too. Hispanics kill other Hispanics, sure thing. Whites even kill other whites. Yes, and Hitler killed thousands of Jews. Christians were persecuted and slaughtered, as well. I totally get it. That was not the issue at hand when the verdict was read at the trial of George Zimmerman. What I and many others saw, was a man who clearly acted upon prejudice and fear of someone different, get away with murder. Plain and simple. He can deny it till he goes to his grave, which couldn't come soon enough, in my opinion. The jury couldn't prove him guilty, that is true. Not guilty does NOT mean innocent, and I think this is where many Americans go awry. They don't have enough knowledge of the judicial system, the law which governs their country, or basic terminology. Perhaps the educational system is to blame, poor parenting, and inaccurate representations of what goes on in a police station, courtroom, or forensics lab on television...I don't know the reason. What I do know is this. George Zimmerman was found not guilty of the charge of second degree murder of Trayvon Martin.

Let's start with a basic definition of Second Degree Murder. The killing of another human being based upon certain criteria: 1. Occurred impulsively and without premeditation, but with malice aforethought; 2. Results from an act intended to cause serious bodily harm; or 3. Resulting from a depraved indifference to human life. Without having attended law school and certainly not having passed the bar exam, even I can see that in this case, numbers 1 and 2 seem to apply. The problem with these definitions is that the jurors were compelled to consider the fact that Zimmerman acted out of fear and for self-preservation. That's what his attorneys would like you to believe...what they convinced a jury was plausible in the situation. If that were true, then manslaughter should have been the charge brought against him. But because he stalked a young man, scaring him enough to defend himself, causing Zimmerman to make a wee wee in his pants because black people are so frightening and dangerous...he "defended" himself in a fistfight by shooting that young man to death. 

Manslaughter certainly suits this case a little more neatly. It is, by definition, the unjustifiable, inexcusable and intentional killing of a human being without deliberation, premeditation, and malice. The most common type is when the defendant is provoked to commit homicide. Sounds a little fishy, but follow me. If adequate provocation is present, a murder charge can be reduced to manslaughter. Adequate provocation. Yup. Here is what can constitute adequate provocation. It must cause rage or FEAR in a reasonable person. The defendant must have been actually provoked. There shouldn't be enough time between the provocation and the action, meaning enough time to cool off. And, of course, the defendant should not have cooled off during that time frame. For me, the Zimmerman case seems like a clear cut case of manslaughter. He was punched, he did experience fear ( of blackness which makes him a frigging racist), and there was no time to cool off between the fisticuffs and the gunshot. But, they were going for blood and wanted to put his ass away for a very long time, they wanted to prove he was out to kill Trayvon Martin from the second he stepped out of the vehicle. So they attempted to nail him on the charge of second degree murder. 

Because some people could actually empathize with his irrational fear of darker skin, he walks free. He is free to act impulsively and criminally again...who will scare him next? What really fucking frosts my cookies, is he was told not to get out of his car and follow Trayvon. Neighborhood watch is not synonymous with vigilante. As far as I know, the purpose of a neighborhood watch committee is to patrol the area and report into the police when they see something potentially dangerous or illegal...NOT to take the law into their own hands and start exterminating anyone who frightens them. This is what George Zimmerman did. Yet, he walks among us, breathing our air. Because some people in some way agreed with what he did. Sadly, in the case of homicides, nine times out of ten, there are only two people present and only one will be available to tell you the story...their side, to convince you they acted justifiably. We will never know exactly HOW that night went down. Only one person is here to tell us the story, the story he wants us to believe. The story his lawyers were able to convince a jury of his peers to believe. Is it fair? Hell no.

When I wrote the last blog about the case, about how I felt justice had not been served, I braced myself for a flood of criticism and anger about my stance on the subject. Surprisingly, I was showered with support. However, instead of just telling me that they disagree with my view, many folks chose to post like mad...photos and articles and facts about how many blacks have killed whites and why don't we hear about it. In support of George Zimmerman's criminal overreaction. People kill people. That's what is at the heart of this, human beings are having their lives ended for a variety of reasons. This time happened to be racially motivated, I don't care how many times you post articles to the contrary. I don't care how many ways you attempt to prove that dead white people don't get the news coverage they deserve. Many homicides never make the news, and it doesn't matter a fucking bit the color of the killer OR the victim. Domestic violence homicides are among the most underrepresented in the news, yet nobody gives a shit about that. I don't see outraged people posting all over social media sites about that topic. Think about it.

What's really ridiculous, is reading the opinion of the clearly uneducated on this topic. It becomes apparent you don't understand the law the second I begin to read your nonsensical drivel. All you are proving to me, is  that like George Zimmerman, you are a bigot. If you can look at this case and not see what I have tried to explain to you, not taken the definitions into account, not learned a few new words...you are only proving, beyond reasonable doubt, that you are an asshole...and a racist pig. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Was justice served? Or did we fail Trayvon Martin?

As I sit here, sipping my iced coffee, "Lean on Me" playing on Pandora, I have to wonder about the state of the world today and where it is heading as I release my daughter out into the world and on her own. Is it really safe to do so? Will she be respected by everyone, or only people like her? Can she walk outside at night to buy Skittles and not have to worry about looking suspicious to some over-zealous bigot on neighborhood watch? Have I offended anyone yet? Seems to be pretty easy theytheytheyto do as of late. If I did, good. You needed to hear it, and who better from than me? As a mother and a woman, I worry about safety probably more than I should. Having grown up in Queens, NY, I do have a certain ease about me when I am out and about on the streets, whether it be daylight or dead of night. But my daughter, with all her inherited street smarts, doesn't have that innate sense of awareness and badassery that would make me feel better about her leaving home.

Fucking crazies are everywhere and they look like you and me. Normal folks with families, jobs, and homes...yet because they have hatred in their hearts for a color, a sex, a religion, they pose a serious threat to our society. In 2013, there are still raging racists in the world and they live among us. They still focus on the differences between us instead of embracing everyone as human, and therefore, inherently the same. No, what they see is a nigger, a spick, a kike, a retard. What they see is a perceived threat...to themselves, to the integrity of their neighborhood, to their sensibilities. What they are is ignorant. Thinking like this sets us back decades to before Martin Luther King, Jr. marched for peace, water fountains were labeled "whites" and "colored" and certain folks couldn't choose a seat in the front of the bus. Back to a time when different meant bad.

Prejudice is not a part of our initial make-up, it's a learned behavior. Ever watched a group of young children from multiple ethnic backgrounds playing together? Unless their parents are vocally racist, each child has an equal chance of playing with anyone they choose. Why? Because they are all children and they all want to play. The color of your skin, the shape of your eyes, the accent with which you speak...none of that matters when you need one more girl to play princesses on the playground. The moment a parent intervenes, the second they begin to show that child how to shun those who are unlike them, to look down upon differences, is the moment prejudice becomes a part of that child's way of thinking. More often than not, there is no turning back from that moment. And then there are two...and so on, and so on. Spreading like a fungus, hatred becomes the norm and acceptance goes out the goddamn window and for what? Because my hair isn't blonde and straight like yours? Because that little girl has a black bob and almond-shaped eyes? Because that boy speaks with an unfamiliar accent? Seriously?

Trayvon Martin was a 17 year old honor student, selfless volunteer, churchgoing, loving son walking in his neighborhood getting some snacks. But because he was wearing a hoodie, and was guilty of being black, he's no longer alive today. Because some racist prick on neighborhood watch, carrying a gun as though he were an official member of law enforcement due to Florida's genius Stand Your Ground law, decided that a black kid wearing a hoodie is a threat to his safety, that child is dead...his mother forever heartbroken. A child dressed like many his age, sporting a hoodie...something my own daughter often chooses to wear when the weather begins to dip...he was seen as dangerous. George Zimmerman followed him, hunted him like a dog, scaring the shit out of an innocent child. A child he intimidated enough to cause him to be punched in the nose. I don't know about you, but if I am punched in the nose, I'm punching back...harder and more than once. What I also know, is that even if I were able to carry a gun, I wouldn't shoot the person who hit me. Would you kill a fly with a machine gun? Think about it. Trayvon reacted like a scared child. Zimmerman reacted like scared racist. Was the boy that much more frightening and dangerous because of the color of his skin? He carried no weapon. How dangerous could he be? Are Skittles now considered WMDs?

The Florida justice system is ridiculously flawed. The Stand Your Ground law wasn't put into place to create a rash of homicides, yet since states began adopting their own versions of it, that's exactly what has happened. Due to the vagueness of the law and the circumstances which would make it legal to use deadly force when imminent danger is perceived, homicides are on the rise...killing people who perhaps belong in jail, but certainly not dead. "In any place that person has a legal right to be" is the provision for where you can invoke that law. But wasn't Trayvon in a place he had a legal right to be, as well? Shouldn't he have been able to protect himself in any way he had available to him when being faced by a bigot with a gun? Where were his rights under the law? Come on Florida lawmakers, explain that one! You can't because your law sucks. Within it lies a double standard...and you'll never admit to it.

Was justice served? My opinion, no fucking way. A man was allowed to kill a child because of his irrational fears of someone who was different. Did we fail Trayvon Martin? Sadly, the answer to that is yes. He was guilty of nothing more than having darker skin than George Zimmerman. What is our country coming to when we can rationalize this kind of behavior? Not only rationalize, but justify and make legal. Is it any wonder I'm scared to let my daughter go? Are you friggin kidding me right now???

To your corners! Has online fighting gone too far?

People have gotten out of control and I blame social media partially and the other part of the blame goes to the ass clowns who use the shield of their computers to act like shit heels when they'd be pissing themselves in the same circumstances in person. Most people don't have the balls to say 1/8 of what they put online when placed in a face-to-face situation.  At this point, I'm sure you must be thinking, "This bitch hides behind her blog, talking shit, flapping her fucking gums all over the place." I'm not you. My opinions don't scare me and neither do you. Life is too short to be phony all the time and put up with the crap that other people dish out. So, when I see all this sniping, and passive/aggressive shit flying around on Facebook and Twitter, I have to laugh. Reading all the intended to be bad ass but falling flat as Keira Knightley's boobs posts and comments, I sit and sip my coffee wondering what these jackasses are intending by trying to shoot barbs across the web. Like I've said before, don't come to a gun battle armed with a pocketknife.

Here's a brief list of things to avoid on social media to keep the drama and cat fights to a minimum so we can go back to looking at your vacation photos and burger close-ups.

1.  Rules. Have them for what you put out into cyberspace BEFORE your nimble fingers hit the keyboard. Think about who your audience is and edit yourself. You may think that everyone wants to know that you are pissed at your boyfriend...but does he want everyone to know? Chances are you are friends with his friends and now people are taking sides. They are also getting really mad at one of you. Then, you make up and everyone else is left steaming and someone is losing friends in the process. Keep the dirty laundry in the hamper with your sweat-stained shirts and streaky underwear. I'm assuming you are a skank if you air your personal business on social media sites.

2.  Never angry post or comment. That's right, I'm telling you to stifle the urge to lash out and start blasting someone publicly when you are pissed off. Ranting and raving on someone's wall, your wall, their status, whatever, name-calling, finger-pointing, and generally having a hissy fit for all to see when you've a bug up your ass is a huge fucking mistake. Know why? Because tomorrow you'll feel differently and then you'll look like a giant fucktard and you can't take it back. People don't un-read your posts, they can't un-see what they saw. What could have been screamed into a pillow after pounding a few brews back is now forever in social media-land and now...now we all have our suspicions confirmed, you ARE and douche canoe. Could have had those beers and a good primal scream, but now you are the laughingstock of Facebook.

3.  Use the unsubscribe/hide features.  When un-friending someone isn't an option and you really don't want to hurt someone's feelings, use those fine features. Use them judiciously, and only retain those people who make you laugh or smile. I know people who over-post the minutiae of their day, flooding me with TMI, photos, and details I just don't need...but I still like them and want to be their friend. That feature has been a God-send for me. I highly recommend it. My posts have been known to piss a person or two off here and there, so I've been told. This doesn't change who I am, or what I feel like saying online. But, you can change what you see and still be my friend. Hit that button and ignore the shit out of my insane musings and observations. Then when we see each other, you won't want to punch me in the mouth. And I won't have to shank you.

4.  Remember, it ain't always about YOU. While you may think that other people are hyper-focused on you, chances are, they don't give you a thought most days. Some posts are very general, some are meant to get attention, and some are the result of a frustrating day. Even if you read, "She's such a cunt," don't assume it means YOU. Even if you are a cunt, it's likely to be about someone else. Assuming that everything you read is being directed at you tells me one thing, you have the guiltiest conscience in the world and you probably do things about which you are ashamed. Why else would someone's Facebook status cause you to feel called out and lose your shit and start panicking? What have you done to assume that everything you read refers to you? Take a step back and chill the fuck out. I know my mind is far too busy to constantly include you.

5.  Resist the public flogging. Oh yeah, I said flogging. This particular issue is a huge pet peeve of mine so I needed to use some old school vocabulary. If someone pisses you off, and I know it happens more often than we'd like it to, start by attempting to cool off. Wait a day before you even say anything. If by tomorrow, you are still feeling stabby, contact that person directly. Whether you want to call, text, or email...contact them and only them. Never, ever is it appropriate, acceptable, mature, or okay to use social media to have an argument with someone. That is not the forum for such things and didn't your mother teach you anything about not letting the neighbors know your business and keeping mean thoughts in your fucking head?! People who hide behind social media to have a fight are pussies. They embody the people I referred to at the beginning of this rant. Too afraid to confront you personally, so they blast you online so strangers can chime in, causing a personal matter to become a fucking circus. Not only that, but you've also ruined any chance in hell of remaining friends. It's an asshole move, don't do it.

Keep personal conflict off the internet, out of your status updates, off the comment threads, off of your Twitter feed, and anywhere else you spill your daily guts. It's nobody else's business, they don't get to have an opinion about it, and you should have the balls to confront someone directly about perceived slights, especially if you consider yourself to be a true friend. Nowadays, most people don't even know the meaning of the word friend, which is likely why shit like this happens all the time. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Is Twitter the new phone call?

Sounds absolutely ridiculous, doesn't it? Yet, I am finding out very personal information about people I barely know on social media sites. Way back in the day...when I was a mere child and even beyond into my 20's and 30's...when we had something important going on in our lives, we picked up the telephone which was attached to the wall in the kitchen, dialed the number or numbers of the people closest to us and spoke to them about the situation. It was intimate, personal, and very private. If we knew we were going to see some of the folks we wanted to announce our news to, we'd wait to see the looks on their faces when we told them in person. We'd scream, laugh, cry, whatever suited the moment and the news. But never do I recall friends or family renting out a billboard on Queens Boulevard to pass along news of a personal nature. It wasn't done.  Lacking in taste, class, decorum, and plain common sense, people could discern between what was personal and what was, indeed, private. Fast forward to 2013. Every goddamn thing that goes on in someone's life is fodder for social media sites. Once again, I've compiled a list...this time of topics that are meant to be shared with those close to you in a fashion befitting the situation. Generally, this means either via an actual phone call or in person, distance and time permitting.

1. Engagement to be married. When a couple makes a decision to spend the rest of their lives together, it does eventually become public knowledge. The first day the woman shows up at work with her new diamond securely on her left hand's ring finger, her colleagues will surely know and congratulate her in person. When the man sees his co-workers and tells them he popped the question and she actually said, "yes," they will surely high-five him and bro-hug and do whatever it is men do to and with each other in a congratulatory situation. Prior to that, she will have called her parents and best friend. He will likely have done the same. Very personal, very quietly. I shouldn't find out, along with 400 of your never-before-met "friends" that you have become engaged by seeing a photo of a hand bearing a ring on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. It's tacky as fuck and lacks any form of class whatsoever. Much like most of the crap people do on social media, it's a total attention whore move and meant to make the person posting it feel loved and validated. I come so close to feeling pity, and then I just laugh at their stupidity.

2.  Getting married. This falls under the same category as number 1 in that it's something that if you do it privately, such as elopement, it should stay that way with the exception of the close friends and family that didn't join you on your whirlwind trip to the chapel. Afterwards, you can tell your other friends and family via telephone or professionally printed announcement, should you be seeking gifts...which I would totally understand, especially if it's your first wedding and you have nothing to contribute to your new household. Of course, closely following would be the announcement to your co-workers as you regale them with the amazing tale of your very exciting nuptial adventure. This is yet another thing I should not become privy to along with your 5,000 Twitter followers who are only there by the mere fact that your hashtag heavy tweets alerted the site to inform them that you share some fucking interest in common. Here's a dose of reality...they aren't your real friends. They wouldn't come running if you needed a ride to the hospital, they won't bring you tampons and chocolate when you are PMSing, and they certainly wouldn't hold your hand if someone close to you died. Oh sure, they'd tweet and post all sorts of  comforting words to look as though they actually give a huge pile of horse shit. Sadly, they don't really fucking care.

3. Relationship endings. Another thing I shouldn't find out as I sit down to peruse the various social media sites to which I belong. If we are close friends, I would have already known it was coming down the pike and I certainly would know that you filed for divorce. Why on earth do people announce these things online? Are you looking for a virtual pity party? That's about what you'll get. Pseudo-comforting words typed in haste in order to be a sympathetic joiner in your ridiculous search for compassion. Do you really feel better when you read a comment on your status that says, "I'm so srry...(((hugs)))"? What the fuck does that do for you? Particularly when you barely know this person outside of the context of online banter. Call your best friend and schedule an ice cream and drinking night. That's where you'll get actual understanding, warmth, and the personal touch you seek. Stop behaving like a sniveling little shit stain online.

4.  Pregnancy. Finding out that you are pregnant by seeing a post of a photo of the inside of your uterus is not how I'd like to find out if we are good friends. I'd like to think that you would tell me using your own voice about something as huge as bringing a new life into the world. When you tell the entire online world in that way, you are detracting from the event and the beauty of it's humanity. Does reading "Congrats" and "congratulations to both of you" over and over and seeing the number of LIKES jump by virtue of the fact that you have friended everyone on the planet, regardless of whether or not you've met or will ever meet, make you feel cherished and surrounded by a blanket of love? Then you are fucking ass clown. These people wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Accept the fact that these folks are the equivalent of characters on a TV show who happen to have the ability to type words on your timeline or feed. The reality is, you have no one in your life that cares enough for you to require picking up the phone and dialing their number to share the good news. Get a grip on reality, moron.

There's nothing more fucktarded than seeing these posts online. Let's keep private matters where they belong, between you and the people closest to you. Blasting this shit all over the internet only makes you look like a desperate-for-attention loser. Pick up the goddamn phone and call your mother! She is one person who actually wants to know what's going on in your life and cares about you enough to listen. The rest of us, the Twitter followers, the Facebook friends, the Instagram followers...not a single fuck will be given on our end when you post the most intimate details of your life in an attempt to feel popular. We really, truly do not care. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Why do people act that way?

Do you find yourself shaking your head more and more these days? Are you wondering what happened to common sense and manners? Ever find yourself struggling to refrain from bitch-slapping strangers? It can't be just me. We are surrounded by a bunch of low-rent, inconsiderate buffoons and I know it irritates the shit out of you, too.  Today I started thinking about all the things that people do that rub me the wrong way, and naturally the list went on and on without an end in sight. I condensed it for you and would like to share it.

1.  Loud cell phone calls. Do I even have to tell you decorum dictates taking the call away from others or speaking in lower than usual tones? What I am finding more often than not, is people get on their phones in public and discuss the details of their life at top volume. Realize that when you are that loud, you've caught all of our attention and we are listening. We've stopped our own conversation and begun intently listening to yours. As you discuss your latest romp in the hay, we are quietly sipping our Starbucks and paying close attention to hear the details. When you are bellowing about the odd scent coming from your vajajay the day after that romp, we are still raptly hanging on every word...and now we are judging you and hoping we remember all the gory info to share with our friends later. Pipe the fuck down!

2.  Standing too close at the checkout. Load up the belt with your goods and back the fuck up. Your cart shouldn't be bumping my ass, nor should you. I don't like strangers inspecting my groceries, the inside of my purse, and my hair while I am trying to make sure the dumbass cashier doesn't forget to take off all the discounts. You should never be so close that I can smell you. Your shampoo, your deodorant, and your breath should remain a mystery to me. When I am typing in my PIN number, you shouldn't be able to see where my fingers are on the keypad. Here's a good way to remind yourself the need for distance, unless you are going to pay for my shit, back the truck up and get out of my ass.

3.  Letting it all hang out. We've discussed this many times before, yet I truly feel like you don't fully grasp the point. Clothing is meant to cover your naughty bits, top and bottom, front and back. Not that there's anything wrong with displaying some cleavage. Tastefully exposed can be sexy. However, sexy can turn to skanky in less than a few inches. If I feel like your nipples are going to jump out of your shirt because your tits have been shoved up so high into your neck with an ill-fitting bra, you've stepped across that line. I shouldn't feel suffocated by YOUR boobs...at a distance! The same holds true for men and the goddamn saggy pants. The prison look should have gone out of fashion my now and I'm not clear why it is still being sported by young men who should really know better. Holding your pants up by the crotch with one hand so that you can expose your boxers below your nutsack is neither attractive nor classy. There's nothing more uncomfortable than knowing that a flimsy amount of cotton separates me from seeing your sweaty ballbag. Pick your fucking pants up. Wear clothes that fit properly and cover your junk, it interests no one but you.

4.  Sitting while the elderly or pregnant stand. Do I even have to say this? Your fat ass does not need the seat as much as someone who has been standing longer than you are old. Maybe you aren't aware of this, but pregnant women often have back pain and sore feet...they are carrying a lot of extra weight and it's mostly in one spot. That one spot forces their back to sway forward and eventually gets pretty fucking sore, trust me. Not only because I have scoliosis and a sway back already, you can leave my issues out of it. But because the extra human being inside pushes your spine to ungodly positions and adds weight to you that you aren't accustomed to carrying. Men, and women (sadly), I want you to think of every woman on the bus or train as your mother. Would you park your lazy ass and start looking through your emails on your phone while your mommy stood in front of you, holding on while the train knocked her frail body around as she struggles to stay upright? Since you know the answer is NO, treat others the way you want your mother treated.

5.  Not speaking when entering a room or vehicle. When did this become the new norm? How can you be so rude and ignore the people who arrived before you? Did you hope to just slide in unnoticed and head over to a far corner of the room and sulk by yourself? Or are you one of those people who remain silent until you see someone you know? I don't give a blasted fuck if you don't know anyone in the room, greet the inhabitants anyway. They didn't do anything to you and they certainly don't deserve to be treated like invisible creatures because you weren't taught basic manners and common courtesy. I'm not saying you need to walk up to everyone and give them a big hug. There's no way I'd do that, either. But how hard is it to say hello and put a fucking smile on your face? By the way, the same holds true when someone pulls up in their car to pick your lame ass up to go somewhere. Don't just plop your ass in the passenger seat and shove your earbuds into your ears. They are wasting valuable gas by going out of their way to drive you to your destination, say hi to them, fucking cretin.

6.  Pointing out when someone has gained weight. Seriously? Why on earth would you think that it was okay to bring weight gain to someone's attention? Do you honestly think they have no idea? Do you feel like you are doing them a favor by embarrassing them? Believe me when I tell you this, I am aware of every fucking pound as I pack it on. Even if I choose to attempt to ignore the ever climbing number on the scale, my clothing will remind me as I try to squeeze my fat ass into what no longer fits. There is never a reason to tell someone they got fat. I used to work with a woman who seemed to take great joy at noting the fluctuation of my weight and announcing to me that she noticed each and every pound. Once, she went as far as to pat my stomach at an all-staff meeting and tell me how fat it was. This usually outspoken, filterless broad was silenced. What can you possibly say to someone in front of others in a place where you are supposed to be behaving in a professional manner? She said it only loud enough for me to hear, so replying loudly was out of the question. I don't care if someone gained 100 pounds, it is never your place to point it out. They know and are upset with themselves. Don't make it worse, tactless cunt.

7.  Getting on a train/bus/elevator when people are still getting off. The rule is off before on, it never changes, it's not situationally specific. Off before on, every time. The vehicle needs to empty out before adding more bodies, it's common sense. You can't squeeze 20 pounds of shit into a 5 pound bag. A bus that holds 50 cannot hold 60 safely or comfortably. Besides, when you've shoved your giant ass, purse, and other bags and crap onto the already crowded elevator, the people in the back who'd like to get out at your entry floor are now trapped like fucking rats. Back up, back off, and clear the way for those exiting before you clamor on like you are escaping a madman.

8.  Strolling along on a busy sidewalk. This takes a little more advanced brain function to figure out. When the path is fairly empty, feel free to meander along at whatever pace you'd like, you're in no one's way. If the sidewalk becomes crowded and the pace begins to pick up...speed the hell up or get out of the way. Think about it. When sidewalks are crowded, there are only a few reasons this happens. Either they are filled with tourists, who annoy the shit out of me, but they are trying to find their way around and get to their predetermined tourist trap at a certain time...move out of their way. Or, it's rush hour and the people walking with you have an important destination...it's called work and they have a specific time they must arrive. Speed up or step aside but do not EVER walk slowly in front of them unless you want to plowed down. Maybe this is the New Yorker in me coming out, but I hate people who walk slowly, in general. I abhor them when I have somewhere I need to be and they are blocking my motherfucking way.

This is a very abbreviated list, I know, but I figured that if you needed to be reminded of how to behave in these situations, you aren't very bright and I didn't want to overload you with information. We can start here and move on at a later date. Common sense, courtesy, and good manners never go out of style. Use them judiciously and you will be welcome everywhere. Neglect to use them and expect that one day you will be elbowed or worse, shanked. These rules are non-negotiable. You live in a world with other people, people you may need one day, treat them with respect. If not, you'll find yourself hanging by a thread and instead of someone reaching out a hand to help, they'll be leaning forward with scissors to cut that thread. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Stop Oversharing! Nobody cares.

Must you do that? Really. Is it truly necessary to clue me in on the minutiae of your daily life? When did I ask for this information? I'd have had to be drunk to express an interest in your toileting expeditions. Since I'm holding a cup of coffee in my hand, let me assure you, I am of sound mind now when I tell you to fucking stop. There is never a valid reason to tell me the last time your husband farted, its decibel level, and a scent description. I'm sorry you have to live with someone who smells like rotting garbage, but I don't want the gory details. Nor does anyone who follows you on Twitter or Instagram...even Facebook "friends" don't give a rat's furry asshole. I know you think folks wait with eager anticipation to hear the next installment of your life. You actually believe we look forward to your posts. Sadly, you couldn't be more wrong. I suppose if you wore yoga pants with granny panties, was sporting severe camel toe and a belly-baring shirt exposing your Michelin-Man physique...you could up the wrong quotient. Beyond that, the information flood must end...now.

I've compiled yet another list for you, one that will help guide your posting, tweeting, whatthefuckever patterns from here on. Do NOT overshare these items.

1. Kid stuff. While it's fine to post cute pics of your kiddos, we all love to watch them grow. It's not cute to post pics of them on the toilet and then the ensuing underwater aftermath. Nor is it acceptable to tell us about  their nose-picking habit, public farting joys, or that they found their penis today and had the most adorable boner. This is how I'd like you to proceed... ask yourself, will this guarantee that my child requires years of extensive therapy should he read this post in ten years? If the answer is yes, and I promise you that 9 times out of 10 it will be, step away from the fucking computer!

2. Your diet.  I don't mean that you shouldn't announce if you've joined Weight Watchers, going public helps you stick to the program. What I am referring to is, I don't need to know every time you take a bite of food or a sip of a drink. Telling me it's coffee time is one thing...I'll always agree with you. Announcing to the world that you've just had a sip of the most delicious Venti Iced NonFat Caramel Macchiato made for you by your favorite barista, Juan, who is just so HAWT and here's a photo of me drinking it, attempting to look sexy...is no bueno. Sharing a photo of you with your mouth wide open about to take a bite of a cookie is not why social media was created. We don't want to see your dental work, your tonsils, or your pores and wrinkles if it happens to be a selfie. Unless you are overcoming an eating disorder and it helps your mom in Canada to see that you are actually consuming food and not hurling it into the toilet, there is no justification for this behavior.

3. Mundane photos. Here I go judging your choices, again. But the thing is, I'm trying to help you stop humiliating yourself publicly. What were you thinking when you decided to ask your son to take a photo of you in the kitchen, posing seductively with a whisk and a bowl while wearing a frilly apron and captioning it, "Making dinner for my beautiful family"??? Were you thinking at all? Beyond scarring your son for life, you've made a mockery of what many women do for their families on a daily basis without seeking applause from strangers...because isn't that what you are doing when you post that photo to Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter? You want us to ooh and ahhh. You want us to "like" your photo and comment about how damn sexy you are and what a great mom we believe you to be, even if we don't mean it. I suppose it's simply because you are an attention whore. Do you really want to be any kind of whore? Think about it.

4.  Drunkness and hangovers. Realizing that the internet will never go away and that photos you post have the potential to be around for your great-great-great-great-great-great-grandkids to view, why the fuck would you post a photo of your alcohol-soaked escapades? Is that the legacy you want to leave behind? Not to leave out the next day's status update apprising us of your pounding headache, light-and sound-sensitivity, and need to spew your guts out every ten minutes...that's also quite attractive and mature. While we all know that heavy drinking leads to a vicious hangover, we don't need to hear about yours. Especially if they are happening frequently and you are over 25. Maybe you haven't considered that your employer could find these pictures and decide that you are bad for the company image. Maybe you haven't considered that your potential employer could also access these posts and decide not to hire the 45 year old drunken former frat boy. Making an ass out of yourself online is never recommended.

5.  Doctor/patient confidentiality. For those of you who love to share every x-ray, mammogram, blood lab, ultrasound, and prescription, enough already! Let me tell you why. These facts and photos are meant for medical professionals and your significant other...and no one else. For many reasons, not the least of which is that there are those with weak stomachs who can't handle even hearing about a needle much less see the resulting bandaid on your forearm. Not so for me, I happen to adore blood, guts, and gore. However, this leads me to the other reasons, like it's nobody's business what's going on inside your fucking body. If you are considering posting photos of your colonoscopy, don't. It's your asshole, it's private, and none of us are that interested in the deep, dark depths of your shit chute. The same holds true for the inside of your uterus. Showing your close friends your pregnancy ultrasounds is a beautiful way of sharing an intimate joy. Making it your profile picture...and I've seen MEN do this...is horrific. For every 8 week old fetus I see gracing someone's Facebook wall, I am tempted to post a photo of my favorite fibroid just to keep up. Unless you want me to do that, save the anatomy and physiology for those licensed to give a shit.

6.  Sexcapades. Yes, you read that correctly. How many of you are guilty of talking about how you can't wait for your partner to come home so you can get sweaty? Even if only one of you raises your hand, that is one too many. That kind of information conjures up horrific images in my already overactive imagination, and I can't unthink them...ever. After reading your status, I know that in 3 hours, you and your spouse are going to be pants-less and touching each other's uglies. Dear God, that is far too much for me to handle.We all know that our coupled-up friends DO IT, we just don't want to know when and how. There's an unwritten rule, a code that must be followed with regard to this topic. Don't ask, don't tell. Follow the goddamn rules, pervy motherfucks.

7.  Bodily functions. Everyone Poops, by Taro Gomi, is the title of a very famous potty training book for young children. And yes, everyone does pinch a loaf now and again. The exact date and time need not be shared with the entire internet. This goes for eating franks and beans and apprising us of how many times your partner ass blasts later that night. I'm sure they don't appreciate the total disclosure and I know I don't. The color of your nasal drainage is something you should discuss with your doctor, not your Twitter followers. More and more frequently, I'm finding that people are anxious to share each and every bodily eruption and evacuation.What drives this desire, I haven't the foggiest fucking clue. Why it should stop is clear. After reading all of your disgusting and vile status updates about you and your family, I am unable to look at you in person without eye-rolling and thinking about how absolutely foul you actually are. It may actually prevent me from being in your presence again. For some this may come as exciting news, for others...it may cause brief disappointment. But I can assure you, if I feel this way and am telling you, there are others who feel the same but are giant pussies and won't open their mouth to say so.

Let's keep it light and fun from here on out. Sharing is caring, I know, but oversharing is annoying as fuck and turns friends into angry ex-friends who are so ashamed to admit that they even know you. We've discussed oversharing before and it seems that either you've forgotten, and if you're my age, that's possible. Or, and here's what irks my vaj, you've decided to ignore me. Being ignored makes my blood boil and I start daydreaming about different ways to go Dexter on your ass. Sadly, I feel as though I've been ignored. So, today, I took a deep breath and sat down to try to help you sorry fucking attention-whoring ass-munches. Commit these to memory, write them on your bathroom mirror, or tattoo them on your forehead. I don't care how you do it, but do it. Follow the goddamn rules if you don't want to die alone. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

It must be summer, I can hear the whine of mothers across the country

Since when is summer a time to bitch about your choice to have children? I mean, you had them, you kept them, you at some point in your life wanted them. Why does summer bring out the fucking shrew in some of you? Is it the cry of "I'm bored" that sets your teeth on edge? Tough shit. I was that kid...except I said it all year long. My mom, who was quite the opposite of today's version of what constitutes a mother, would tell me to find something to make me un-bored. She didn't jump to entertain me, schedule me for 8 bazillion activities that she would then bitch about driving me to, or call all the moms in the neighborhood to arrange playdates for me. Far from it. I was on my own to figure out what would keep me busy during the summer months. Whether I had to call a friend to see if they wanted to come over or lace up my roller skates and hit the schoolyard, it was up to me to see that my hours were filled. Not that I didn't do things with my mom, but I didn't have hours of structured THINGS to keep me occupied. Perhaps that is where today's mom fails. Both the stay-at-home and working variety are guilty of this...you are not your child's event planner, personal assistant, or social secretary. It's no wonder kids of this generation are fucking useless veals. They aren't allowed to be bored...God forbid!

Why must you jump every time you kid uses the word bored? Do you feel guilty? Perhaps you haven't spent enough time with them all year long and now that the summer is here, you think you can "make up" for all that time you ignored them? Doesn't work that way. There are no make ups. Memories are made in the moment, not choreographed and orchestrated. It's not the amount of time spent, it's what you do with the time you have. How many of you clamoring to eradicate the word bored from your child's summer vocabulary baked cookies with your child during the school year? How many involved them in doing chores with you and included them in little things like folding laundry? Do you know how much conversation can take place during small tasks...how much more you can get to know your kid during those times? Sending them off to the 6th playdate this week after their daily scheduled activities doesn't close the gap you've created between you and your child. Get your head out of your ass and engage your offspring.

Of course, there's the flip side to the bored child. The overscheduled brat. Unless your kid has a checkbook and amazing research skills, I'm pretty sure YOU are the asshole who signed them up for some sport or camp every fucking day of the week for the entire summer. Have you ever heard of down time? Nobody on Earth needs to be entertained 24/7. So, as you are loading up the car with your kids and endless lunches, sports equipment, and camp supplies...refrain from posting yet another status lamenting your oh so hectic schedule. You have nobody to blame but yourself. Kids can be just as happy playing in the backyard with a hose in their bathing suits. Mud pies, digging for worms, climbing a tree, you know, outdoor unplanned activities? Things kids can come up with on their own with no adult assistance if you allow them to be...BORED! Again, allow me to present the facts: you had these kids, you chose to work/stay home, stop bitching about your life choices. Nobody gives a fetid shit that you have to chauffeur your kids all over town this summer because you enrolled them in every activity in the Parent's Press newspaper. I'm actually laughing my ass off at your expense...then contemplating whether I'd like to shank you or set you on fire.

Let's not forget the fact that it's hot. Nothing makes a mom crankier than heat in the summer...because it's so unexpected, right? Temperatures go UP in the summer? Who fucking knew? Pour yourself another frozen cocktail and shut your facehole. Status after status telling me the weather conditions in your neck of the woods alternately bores me to tears and irritates the living fuck out of me. "It's so hot and muggy and these kids are already driving me crazy and they've only been out of school for two days!" Shit like that has become the fungus of social media. Spreading like an STD in a whorehouse, every other status sounds just like the one I made up. Seriously?! Get a grip. The weather is rarely interesting, you know exactly what to expect and how to prepare for it, whether it be to throw more beers in the fridge or make a big batch of hot cocoa. The heat does not make your kids more annoying, your lack of ability to be a parent has created the monsters that live in your house. The weather didn't spoil and baby the crap out of them...you did.

As I look back on all the summers I've spent with my daughter, I don't ever remember complaining about the time I had to devote to her, spend with her, or listen to her voice. In a little less than two months, she is going away to college, and I cannot imagine my house without her in it. I'd love to travel back in time and be sitting on the living room floor playing dominoes or UNO with her, listening to her little girl laughter as she beat me yet again. If I could rewind the tape and be sitting in North Beach watching her play at the park after getting cappuccino at Caffe Greco and letting her spoon mouthfuls of the foam before I drank it, I'd give up a limb. Cranky, cunty, bitchy, poor excuses for mothers...listen to me, and listen carefully. They are not yours to keep forever. One day, they'll be grown and leave the house...and you. Enjoy each and every, sweaty, dirty, messy, unscheduled moment. Time passes in a flash and you don't get do-overs. Are you friggin kidding me right now???