Do What You Gotta Do!

To piggy-back on the last entry, I'd like to continue along a similar vein. One of my daughter's roommates last year said this all the time, or so I've heard. And you know what? I like it. A whole lot. It applies to your entire life, everything you say and do. Not just your life, but everyone's around you. It implies a certain degree of respect for the choices and decisions of others, don't you agree? Not that it matters. See what I did there? I'm forcing you to be on the side of the live and let live. Your opinion, while valuable to you, means nothing to me and the way I see or do things. So many hang their whole day on what others think of them. Why is this? What drives this way of thinking? Did someone hold you down as a child and tell you that your ideas meant shit and that the only thing that mattered was what the world saw? Are you so weak-minded that you care? Loads of questions and I know your tiny, thought-challenged brain needs time to process it all.

Let's begin with attempting to be judgement-free. I know what you're going to say, and let me stop you there. First, suck my ass, sack-licker. I make observations about what I see, what I hear, what I read. Mere observations. You may not agree with them, you may not like them. That's perfectly fine with me. I don't live to please you. Judgement-free. You shouldn't care about my observations except to see if you've also noticed the same thing. Taking this a step further, if someone wants to wear mismatched socks on a Friday, cool. Why should you care? They are the owners of those feet. Should I want another tattoo, does it mark up your body or mine? Unless I drag you down to the shop with me and force you to get a matching one, it's on me. And since I'm a grown-ass woman, I get to make those kind of choices for myself, knowing it affects only me and me alone. Gay marriage, boxers vs briefs, vegan vs omnivore...it's all up to the individual. You are against gay marriage? Don't marry a gay person. My drawers and the drawers of the nation are a very personal choice and it sure as hell ain't up to you to pick them. Yes, you must kill an animal to eat meat. Yes, I said kill. In the jungle of life, there's survival of the fittest. Should you want to eat sprouts and tofu, have at it. Doesn't affect my dinner. Are you getting this yet?

People who genuinely care about what others think make me bat-shit crazy. Why does the opinion of someone that doesn't even live in your house, pay your bills, or sleep in your bed matter so fucking much? How many live rent-free in your head? Do they at least do laundry? Oh, I can't wear that to the supermarket, what if Janey JunkSucker is there and sees me? I shouldn't say that out loud, what if Marty McMoron hears me and tells someone else? If I post this on Facebook, will it offend Betty Bitchface? Why the fuck do you care? Does their opinion pay your mortgage? Will your life change in any significant way if they frown upon something you've said or done? The answer, in case you hadn't a clue, is a resounding FUCK NO. Nothing they think changes you, your life, who you are, or your place in this world. If you can still wake up in the morning, take a shit, go to work, and live your life...their opinion has had zero affect on you. And it shouldn't.

The media can cause a serious amount of self-doubt, particularly in females. Of this I am painfully aware. Photoshopped stars staring at us, daring us to look the way we do. Challenging us to try to be happy with our appearance as we gaze into the faces of supposed perfection. I'll let you in on a secret. Even the stars don't look like that. They've been airbrushed, photoshopped, slathered with a shit ton of makeup by a professional, dressed for the occasion by yet another pro...come on, did you really believe the hype? There seems to be the opinion, as shoveled down our throats by TV, movies, and print media that women need to be startlingly skinny in order to be attractive. Really? Who says? We've gone over this bit of bullshit before. Sexy is not skin and bones. Curves, lush and soft...now that screams sex appeal. Don't let the ridiculousness of what Hollywood and a bunch of ugly men are trying to do to your ego. If you look in the mirror and like what you see, that is all that matters.

I propose we start doing what we like simply because we like it. No other reason. No ulterior motives. Just to make us happy. There's no law that says we can't. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. These are our rights in this country. Why shouldn't we exercise them? If I like to dress up one day and wear a concert tee and ripped jeans the next, am I hurting anyone? Some people like to laugh loudly when they hear something funny. Go crazy, motherfucker! Enjoy that joke from your guts out. You listen to country/classical/ghetto rap/polka? Roll your car windows down and blast that shit without apology. Eat that PB&J with the crusts cut off at lunch and laugh at your salad-eating co-workers.  Put that Hello Kitty/IronMan phone case on your Galaxy S5 and answer that phone like a boss when your Scooby-Doo ringtone beckons. Do what you gotta do, and do it with style! I know I will. Do you think I give a flying rat's ass what you think of me? Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Strong opinions don't make you right...

Let me remind you of an Uncle Tommy-ism right off the bat. Your opinion doesn't make you right, sometimes you are just a loud wrong. Opinions, we all have them. Hell, we are all entitled to them. It's a free country, say and feel whatever the fuck you'd like. Just don't scream "FIRE" in a crowded theatre, right? Seems simple. However, since we now have a profusion of folks that think that social media seems to invite our every thought to become public, there's a shit ton of you who think your opinions are fact. Why, I can't imagine. Putting something in print doesn't make it so. Ask anyone who writes for a living. There are fact checkers, editors, rules, disclaimers...I could go on, but you get the point. If I like the color lime, that doesn't mean it is the best color on the planet and everyone should now love it and wear it, paint their walls that color, and buy lime green cars. Personally, I couldn't give a fuck less if you like what I like. You are you, which is NOT me, by definition, and therefore, have your own likes and dislikes. Even intense beliefs, those are all yours. Mine are all mine. Should they be similar, wonderful. If not, it doesn't change my day in the slightest.

Pan over to a typical day in social media land. Everyone is announcing the minutiae of their day, what they ate, how they feel, the mundane tasks of housework, all of the things we'd all rather not know. But fine, tell me what you washed, where you drove your kid for the umpteenth time, and that you have another stuffy nose. I may not care, but you are free to clog my feed with whatever nonsense you see fit. Part of our freedom of speech. Let it out, let it all out, baby. But bear in mind this one simple fact, your opinion is not the gospel truth. It will not affect how I live my life in the least bit. Don't expect it to. If you want to be on a totally organic vegan diet recommended by some guru you found on the internet, go ahead on with your big, bad self. Announce it all over every site you belong to with gusto. Do NOT expect me to follow suit. I will not do what you say just because you think you found Jesus in your new obsession. I am a highly educated, extremely intelligent woman. I do not need someone to think for me. Should you decide that you disagree with the President of the United States, you are free to do so. But, you must refrain from calling me and everyone like me an asshole for supporting him. There is more than one political party for a reason. Differing opinions about how the country should be run. Right, wrong, or somewhere in between...we, as a nation voted this man into office. Raging up the left and down the right isn't going to change my opinion about Mr. Obama.

So many topics upon which you've become an expert. So many ideas you want to shove down my throat. Being gung ho about something doesn't make it right for everyone. There's the parenting arena, one I threw my hat into many years ago. We all have our own way of doing it. Starting from pregnancy to childbirth and points beyond. Don't tell me I can't eat pizza and Chinese food every night of my gestation. How do you know what my baby wants? I didn't give birth to a hippo, so I guess it was fine. You want to wear your child like an accessory because you believe it's the only way to bond? Have at it. I didn't, yet my child is as close to me as any only daughter could possibly be. Hmm, is your way the best way...the only way? Not really. Breastfeeding. I could go on for hours about my opinions on the subject. I have very strong opinions against it. I think it's a savage way to feed your child. Do I care if you do? Hell, no. They're your ta-tas, do whatever you want with them. I have no say over that territory. My boobs are mine, all mine. You cannot tell me what to do with them. If I choose to keep them in my bra, rather than whipping them out for all to see in order to feed my child, it's MY choice. I am not a bad parent. My child will not have asthma, allergies, food allergies, lowered immunity, be overweight, or insecurely attached. She will not be mentally stunted nor have learning difficulties. Oh, that's right...she's 19 and has none of the above issues and never has. Bottle baby all the way. I didn't even pump. So, suck that, breastfeeding Nazis.

Anti-vaxxers! Holy fuck they are everywhere. "I'm not vaccinating my child because immunizations are dangerous, untested, cause Autism, and death." What the fuck? Can you prove it in your own neighborhood? At your child's school? In your house? I can prove otherwise right in your mirror. You, like me, like everyone else our age and older, were fully and completely vaccinated. Are you Autistic? Did you die? No? Then what is your proof? I'm not even going to remind you that there are vaccines that aren't even around anymore. Why? Because we've eradicated those diseases from our society. But let's put that aside for a moment. We are a living testament to the fact that they work and cause no harm. You disagree with me. Excellent. Do not vaccinate your child. Prevent them from being protected against disease. That is your choice. And that's okay with me. My child is and always will be protected from as many diseases as possible, so the fact that you want to expose yours to every funky ass bacteria that could cause serious issues, including death doesn't affect me...or her. Trust that I won't go all redneck crazy on your ass, filling your feed with my opinion, telling you how wrong you are to have made the decisions you have. I don't care enough.

You know what? It's not even lack of caring that prevents me from pounding you with my opinions, attempting to sway you to my way of thinking, my beliefs, my concerns, my likes and dislikes. No, it's not that at all. I truly believe that I am more evolved than you. I can live and let live. My life is not changed by how you live yours and I naturally assume yours remains unaffected by my choices. Somehow, I think you may know this already. Sadly, I don't think you care. Cro-magnon thinking, knuckle-dragging, pushy, opinionated cunt buckets haven't a clue that the rest of us don't give a shit. We don't base our decisions on your mindless, brainless rantings on social media. You do realize that, don't you? You can't believe your incessant jabber matters, can you? Are you friggin kidding me right now???

There Ought to be a Law: Part 2

You didn't think I was finished with this topic, did you? I warned you last time that there was more on my mind, more areas in which you fail. Not wanting to be remiss in my obvious concern for your well-being and how you present yourself to the world, I am here to continue to talk to you about some of these other issues that keep cropping up lately. No one wants to be THAT person. The big buffoon. The ass clown. The helmet-wearing window-licker. Have no fear, I am here. Moving forward from last time...

4. Parenting license:  Why is it we need to register to vote, get licenses to hunt, fish, drive a car...hell, you need to take classes when you want to drive...but to become a parent, likely the most important job any of us will ever hold, you just have to fuck? Don't get all up in my grill if you have had to take extraordinary means to have children, I do understand is isn't always that easy. I get it. My point is, most people just have to have sex and lo and behold, they are allowed to raise a child, Just like that. Here you go, have a child. What qualifies you to do so? I've seen some doozies out there, rationalizing with two year olds, potty training one year olds, or the reverse, having almost five year olds in diapers...who decided that making diapers in size SEVEN would be a good thing in the quest to get children transitioned to underwear? But I digress. There are people who have kids and then seem to want nothing to do with them, as opposed to the hover mothers out there who won't let their kids' feet touch the ground. Why have children if all you really wanted to do is continue to act like foolhardy singles, going out every night, working long hours, and taking couple's vacations? On the other hand, if all you wanted was control...that wasn't the right avenue to take, either. Some of us are amazing at it...not to pat myself on the back, but I have a pretty good kid. One who is independent and strong. What more can I ask for? Kids today are being raised so poorly, I'd have to wonder if they'll ever survive in the real world. Let's start issuing licenses to only the truly qualified. Sure, it'll cut the population down, but think of all the available parking!

5. Rambling answers:  Get to the point! Is it that hard? A yes or no question requires a one word answer, not a dissertation about why you chose the two letter word over the three and why the sky is blue today and your shoes hurt your feet and the cashier at Safeway didn't smile at you...I don't give a ripe fuck. Do you want another cup of coffee, for example, doesn't require endless paragraphs about caffeine, peeing, headaches, and your hemorrhoids to say, "yes, please" or "no, thank you" in reply. Also, and not to be totally rude, "How are you?" is a simple question, not a request for a complex diatribe on all that is wrong in your world. I do care, or I wouldn't have asked. But spare me the hour-long response. I can't focus on anything for that period of time. I can't even watch TV without getting up and down, checking my phone...in case Jesus has tried to contact me, running to the kitchen, and talking to one of the cats. You can't expect me to listen to you drone on and on for more than a sentence at a time. Pretend you are talking to a child, not talking down, just use brevity with me. Act like you are running past me and have but a few seconds to respond. Is that too much to ask? Do you love the sound of your own voice so much that you can't be asked to cut down on the verbiage? Trust me, it ain't that pleasant.

6.  Slang instead of manners.  Didn't your mother teach you anything? Seriously? We've become a lazy bunch of motherfucks. Who here wasn't taught to say, "You're welcome" when someone says "Thank you" to you? When did it become socially acceptable to shorten and bastardize all our responses into horrifically informal, uneducated-sounding shit? If I thank you for something, "no problem" "you bet" and "gotcha" are not acceptable answers...EVER. The only appropriate and polite response is "you're welcome" and nothing else. Hello. One word, five letters. Can you say it? Neither, "yo" "what's up" "how's it goin" nor "hey" will suffice. What the fuck is your problem? Unlike the jackass in number 5, you opt to abbreviate everything. My ADD can handle entire words and sentences. Use them. Manners are not out of style, you're an asshole. "Can I" has replaced" May I" all over the place. Can I go to the bathroom? Uh, I don't know, can you? Are you physically able to? Can I see the salt? Can you? Would you like to hold it, too? Perhaps even use it? It's in there, I know it is. You can't be that fucking moronic. It's impossible. I refuse to believe that no one taught you proper English and how to politely speak to others. In addition, not only should you speak proper English, but learn to accept compliments gracefully. When someone tells you they like your hairdo, don't pull all that self-effacing bullshit that you normally do and insult yourself. Just say "thank you" and mean it. Now, was that so hard?

To be clear, there are many more areas you completely blow it and if I had the time or inclination, we'd discuss them here and now. Sadly, I have actually stopped caring. It could be the fact that I've run out of wine, I'm tired, I need to pee, or you are just beyond help and I've decided to give up. In any event and whatever the actual reason is, it's all on you now. The torch has been passed, God help me. Take my advice, do as you're told, straighten up and fly right, fucktard. The world was not meant for people to behave the way you do. This is a civilized society and you are expected to blend the fuck in, not stand out like a sore, mentally deficient thumb. If you choose to ignore my well-thought out advice, don't come crying to me when someone bitch slaps you for acting a fool. And they will. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

There ought to be a law!

People, please, get your shit together! Why I have to even do this is a mystery to me. These things should be obvious, even to the dumbest of you ass clowns. Lately, I'm shaking my head so much, I'm giving myself headaches. That rubs my ass so far in the wrong direction, I'd like to punch you in the throat. Wasting my prescription narcotics on you window licking, dipshits pisses me off. Stuff your mother should have taught you, things you should have learned in kindergarten before it became Common Core 2nd grade, shit you should have figured out as a functioning member of society...it's somehow my job to pound it into your thick skulls.  Fine. Here goes.

1. Screaming children.  No one knows better than I do that children scream. Children are loud. They love the sound of their own voices and all the fun things it can do. I get it. I really do. But there is a time and a place for all things, loud little snot rockets included. One of those places is definitely and most certainly not a restaurant in which I am dining. Nothing jars me out of my happy place, which is eating, more than the fingernails on a blackboard sound of someone's spawn shrieking at the top of their lungs while the parents do nothing about it. I realize that kids will erupt like the little asshole volcanoes they are at the most inopportune moments. It's what YOU do directly thereafter that counts. Realistically, you should have trained your little monkey how to behave in public, but they are volatile and will test limits, I know. As soon as you start to hear that God-awful sound, grab the little fucker by the hand and lead them outside. Do whatever it is you do to show them the error of their ways and return to your seat with a better version of what fell out of your vagina.

2. Barking dogs.  I love all animals great and small. I really do. I've had more pets and have loved them all equally. I love my girls, Becca and MJ, like they are my other daughters. So, don't go all animal activist on me. By the way, I hate you extremist mother fucks. Moving on before I get distracted...oh look, a butterfly. Barking dogs are cute on the end of their leashes held by their mommy or daddy. I love to pet them and get little doggy kisses. However, when I am in my home, and your little furball is letting out all of his or her verbiage for the day at top volume, penetrating my very thin walls, and annoying me and the cats, I no longer like your dog. As a matter of fact, I am envisioning all sorts of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things. This is not like me at all. I do not like the visions that pop into my head. The image of me grabbing Fluffy by the scruff and drop kicking him across the parking lot is not pleasant to me. But, you...you have the ability to erase this image. Doggies can be trained, just like children, to be quiet...obedient. Do it. Do it now, do it quickly.

3. Cutting people off on line.  This one should be obvious! No cuts. You learn this in kindergarten. When the bell rings and you line up, you fill in behind the last person you see. No fucking cuts! You get pushed if you do. And you know what? You deserve it. It just frosts my cookies to see some grown ass person approach a line from the side, seeing another person making a direct course to the aforementioned line, and thrusting their cart in front of the person in the right of way, cutting the line. WHAT THE FUCK?! You saw the other person, I know you did. You acted with malice aforethought. My attorney followers will enjoy that reference, but it's true! How dare you think you are more important than someone else in such a grotesque manner? Moreover, what in your little pea brain made you think it was perfectly fine to do it to me? It's a fucking playground rule, douche canoe. You just don't cut. Others may allow it, keep quiet, hold back. Not me, baby. I will let you know how you've wronged me...loudly. Don't make me discipline you. Mommy should have years ago. I'm not your mommy.

We've only scratched the surface today. There are many more areas where you fail. Don't worry, I'll tell you all about them next time. I wouldn't leave you hanging like that. I am a kind and compassionate person who doesn't want you to walk on this earth acting like a buffoon any more. I've taken on this job to help you. A job I take very seriously because you annoy the living fuck out of me and I am this close to hating you. This close to junk punching you. Don't think I won't. Are you friggin kidding me right now???