Belonging to some great groups on Facebook for women like myself, I have been reassured once again that I am not alone and we are all going through many of the same bullshit symptoms. Groups like Perimenopause Support and The Hot Flashers - A Perimenopause Support Group, provide a forum for those of us of a "certain age" to vent, chat, and ask pertinent questions without fear of judgement. This is precisely what we need...not only online, but in our personal lives. Sadly, many women do not have this kind of reinforcement from loved ones because they simply don't understand what they are going through and have been conditioned to believe that much of what women complain about is all in their heads. I call balls! Big, gigantic, low-swinging old man balls. This shit is as real as it gets and we wouldn't seem like Wendy Whiners if we could have a little more support from the medical community as well as from the rest of the goddamn world.
I'd like to address some of the symptoms I've seen flooding (now that's a word I hate more than anything) the perimenopause sites and see if we can't all feel a teeny bit better knowing that they are not only normal, but we are all experiencing them, too.
1. Insomnia: for those who sleep like corpses and have no idea what this is, I'll define it for you. This is when you absolutely cannot fall asleep and you lie there, mind racing, heart pounding, and fitfully tossing and turning while wishing you could put a pillow over the person next to you for sleeping so freaking soundly. There's nothing like not being able to sleep and suffering from one of the next symptoms that I will get to in just a minute, anxiety. Lying there while you can't turn your mind off, overthinking the entire day, stressing about tomorrow, pulse elevating to cardiac event levels, and possibly, only if you are one of the truly lucky, having a body-drenching night sweat. Man, I feel like a woman! I don't think that is what Shania Twain was referring to in her song, but she was young and inexperienced back then.
2. Anxiety: while there are some of us fortunate enough to suffer from this disorder unrelated to perimenopause, anxiety can rear its ugly-ass head during these uber-fun years, throwing us a curve ball like no other. If you have never had an anxiety attack, fuck you. If you have, you know that having one feels like you just might die before it is over...and part of you wishes you would because the feeling is so horrid and scary that death seems the easier and more pleasant option. The most out of control you can possibly ever feel, accompanied by that fantastic heart racing I mentioned above, and a sweat more like a shower than a beading up on the forehead, anxiety attacks are just another lovely side effect of the perimenopause "journey" as some assholes like to call it. Luckily, there are excellent drugs for this one and we can bitch slap them out of the picture. Zoloft, I love you.
3. Heart Palpitations: this is a strange and fucked up feeling, and if you've never experienced one, you likely won't be able to understand it. Even if you asked a doctor or your grandpa, you still couldn't fully grasp this unless and until you have one of your very own. I didn't start having them until I started having anxiety attacks, but now I am overjoyed to share that I can have one completely unrelated and not connected to anxiety. Yay, me! The only way I can describe them is, if you can imagine your heart being a person, and then envision it deciding to run, then stop dead, then skip, then run again, then walk, then skip again, stopping dead once more...and, well, you get the picture. Another glorious out-of-control feeling that women have the joy of enduring during these exciting years leading to menopause...another fucking nightmare.
4. Exhaustion: even without having insomnia, even with a full night's sleep and a cup of coffee in hand, we can feel as though we've been up for a week running on a hamster wheel. The worst part, for me, is waking up feeling this way. Feeling like I haven't slept a wink, even though my Fitbit would disagree, and having to get out of bed and get ready for a long day at work, O...M...F...G, it is so painful. Yet, I do it and so do you ladies, whom I now consider my friends. We haul our asses up and out of bed, jump in the shower in the hopes that the water beating down on us will rouse us from that fogged and bogged down feeling...and it doesn't. Tromping down the stairs, dressed but certainly not ready for the public, we grab our first cup of joe and pray. Yet, that does nothing, either. And so the day goes. Fake it till you make it, but you never really do. Repeat again tomorrow.
5. Painful Periods: not just cramps, but they do factor in to the pain we now enjoy during our crime scene periods. I never had cramps when I was younger, and yes, I am aware that my fibroid bouncy house has something to do with it, but the ones I have now are mind-blowing. Stabbing pains alternating with dull aches, oh the thrill ride I go on every month is fantastic! What I have also noticed, and I see many of you have noticed, are pains that radiate right down into the va-jay-jay, vazheen, nether yea ya, or whatever name you choose to call your cooch. Holy mother of all that is good, this is very unexepected and quite unwelcome. More common during what I now call a blood burst, or when Aunt Flo decides she wants to expel gigantic moose clots in a flood of blood violently out of your cha cha. It's bad enough you may require crime scene tape, does it have to hurt like a fucker, too? Uncool, Mother Nature, very uncool.
6. Spotting: all I can say is WHAT THE FUCK?! It leads up to the period, happens at the end, can occur throughout the month...how the hell can you possibly prepare for and accomodate this? More annoying still, is how can you dress for this? I am not a panty liner girl, so this option does not work for me in the slightest. After wearing a mattress between my legs for 8 or 9 days accompanied by a paper towel roll up my hoo ha, there's no way I want another rash-inducing cotton object down there for any length of time. Yet, I never know when my uterus will choose to notice there's a bit of old blood up in there and feel the need to share it with me and my underwear. It's gross and frankly it smells bad. I've actually worn a lite tampon on a day such as that to avoid a disgusting panty liner. Uterus, hear me now, I will not be held hostage by you, bitch.
7. Migraines: mine haven't always been cyclical, and as a matter of fact, I actually started getting them at 23, right after my mom died. But now, they are most definitely cyclical and due to the hormonal swinging that occurs throughout the month. Many of us at this season of life are estrogen dominant and she is not your friend. Everyone associates estrogen with femininity but she is such a cunt biscuit! When you have too much, she kicks you right where it hurts and when you least expect it. As she dips, right before your blood flood, a eye shattering migraine can occur. In the Huffington Post article Migraines: What's Estrogen Got To Do With It?, estrogen swings are discussed as one of the migraine triggers during perimenopause and gives some possible ideas to discuss with your medical practicioner for relief. I say, bring on full menopause, that's the relief I seek!
8. Weight Shift: I wanted to discuss this and bloating in rapid succession since they are in the same unappealing category in my eyes. As we approach that "certain age" our weight may or may not fluctuate, but where it sits will. Yes, I've gained some perimenopausal poundage over the years, and yes, I still have that love affair with food ongoing. But, what I have noticed, is that my weight, even when at a decent number, doesn't always allow me to wear the same size in clothing anymore! Why? Because, Mother Nature in all her bitchy glory, has chosen this time of life to actually move fat around my body and drop it into the most unattractive places. Instead of curves, I have fucking lumps! Lumps on my ass, hips, and thighs that I swear to Christ, I've never had even at my fattest. Where in the name of Christ in a crossover did they come from and how can I get rid of them? We are all asking this very same question and I apologize ahead of time for not having a clue what to tell you. When I figure it out, you'll be the first to know.
9. Bloating: I understand water retention before a period and during. Once, while doing the Weight Watchers thing, I retained 8 pounds of water during one particularly fun period. Luckily, the WW person weighing me knew to explain it right away before I started shanking everyone in sight. What I don't undertand is the random bloats throughout the month. Why should I, midcycle, suddenly have a pooch that can only be compared to a beer belly? Fortunately, I can usually pee this out if I drink enough, but there are times this isn't possible and I look godawful. We all know that I hate muffin top and have said that women should wear clothes that fit to avoid it. How can I say this when I can suddenly have it in pants that fit properly just yesterday? Frustrating as fuck and totally unfair...what is the male equivalent of this? Oh, right...nothing!
10. Vertigo: Sweet and soft newborn baby Jesus, I cannot stand the feeling of being dizzy. After a horrifying bout of labyrinthitis that made me feel like I was on a spinning boat all day and night for two weeks, I can assuredly tell you that this symptom is more than unwelcome...if it were a person, I'd rip its heart out through its mouth with my bare hands. Yet, lo and behold, it is another symptom of perimenopause. For fuck's sake, is this necessary? And tell me how this is and should be connected to the cessation of fertility? It's a nauseating and unsettling feeling at best, and a scary and crippling feeling at its worst. Imagine going about your day and suddenly, completely out of nowhere, you feel like the room has started swaying and you cannot maintain your balance to save your life. Fortunately, I have Meclizine by the dozens left from my aforementioned visit to labyrinthitis and can pop one every 4-6 when this symptom decides to come a-calling. You may want to ask your MD for some of this bottled magic.
Thankfully, we have each other and groups like Perimenopause Hell and Perimenopause - Thriving and Surviving to make us feel like we are part of something totally normal and have partners in this shitstorm segment of life. Sadly, there are even more fucking symptoms that I still haven't talked about and I know you are experiencing and wondering why I haven't mentioned them. Don't worry, in my next entry, I will discuss them at length. I want you to know that I am going through this with you and will continue to do so until I reach the finish line that is menopause. We are in this together, every last crappy symptom, every annoying ache and pain, every oddball bodily occurrence. Would I abandon you at this point? Are you friggin kidding me right now???
If you'd like to read more about one of my favorite topics, check out these entries:
Why Perimenopause Sucks Moldy Balls
Perimenopause Still Sucks Moldy Balls, Four Years Later
Smart Answers to Dumb Questions About Perimenopause
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