Having used coconut creamer after discovering it at my local Sprouts, I stopped using every form of cow's milk in an attempt to avoid extra hormones skating through my already estrogen crazed body. Much to my excitement, this stuff was the shit! My coffee tasted so amazing with it, I quickly booted cow's milk out of the rotation and bought coconut creamer exclusively. Even my daughter caught the bug and began buying it for herself. My mornings were lovely and I looked forward to each cup I drank before heading out to work, and sometimes I would even grab a to-go cup for one more dose. This joy went on for years and once in a while, I would dip back into a flavored Coffee Mate around the holidays. I didn't even drink cow's milk with cookies! Almond milk, thank you. Until IT happened.
What the fuck could have happened that would have stopped this joy ride? What took the coconut creamer out of my fridge and forced it to be replaced with half and half? Not a spoiled container because that shit lasted forever! Nothing worse than curdled coffee, and coconut creamer never did me like that. No, this was far more evil and caused me to lose my fucking marbles because I didn't want back on the hormone train of dairy in my damn coffee. One fine day, I purchased a new container of coconut creamer, from Sprouts, as I always did, and brought it home to use immediately since I had run out. Upon pouring it into my coffee, I noticed that the color in my cup seemed off. I took a big sniff of the creamer and it smelled lovely. Ok, fine. It's not bad. I dumped out the cup, which in my world is a cardinal sin, and poured a fresh one. Tipping the creamer container slowly over my cup and watching it carefully for some clue as to why it made my coffee look wrong. Seeing nothing unusual, I tasted it after stirring for a long time, trying to make it the color it was supposed to be. Oh for fuck's sake, it tasted wrong, too! Then I noticed it. There were little white dots floating around on the surface of my beloved drink. What the fresh fuck was going on??? Well, I dumped that cup out and drank the next one black...and pissed off.
The next day, I bought another pint, hoping it was just a bad batch. Tested it out, and the same goddamn thing happened. What is happening? What kind of dark magic is this? Not one to take a situation at face value, I start reading the container. OH. MY. GOD. New formula. Now carrageenan free! Are you out of your fucking mind? Are you a window licking fucktard? Carrageenan is what makes the damn creamer CREAMY. It's a fucking emulsifier...it belongs there. Who decided this would be a good thing? Who is the ass munch and how do I get a hold of him to punch him in the throat? Totally furious and ready to skin alive the crotch stain who changed the formula, I started researching carrageenan. Well, as you may already know, it is made from edible red seaweed. Hm. We eat seaweed every time we have sushi. No one has made seaweed-free sushi. Plugging on, I see that some research indicated that it may cause inflammation, ulcerative colitis, and cancer...in lab rats. Um, ok. So, this gift from the heavens was removed from my beverage because some person found that it did nasty things to rodents?
Not just a person, but a doctor from the University of Illinois. Joanne Tobacman, associate professor of clinical medicine, claims that carrageenan elicits an immune response that causes inflammation...in lab rats. Before even continuing to discuss how stupid it is to use an animal whose internal organs are unlike humans, and mentioning that any time something is introduced to a lab animal to test it for negative reactions, they use 600 times the amount you would ever consume in a lifetime...let's dive into the form of carageenan this bitch was testing. I'm going drop some science, so dumb asses get ready to use Google. Carrageenan comes in two forms, degraded and undegraded. No, people aren't sexually harassing the stuff, it's what happens when it is broken down. Degraded carrageenan was being tested on these poor lab animals at volumes never used in any food product. Undegraded carrageenan is also known as FOOD GRADE. Wonder why? Because the FDA has a rigorous testing process that determines what ingredients are fucking safe to eat!
My coconut creamer and other non dairy food products were having this lovely red seaweed ingredient ripped out because of invalid research. The undegraded form does eventually degrade but never in the amount that could be considered a threat to human health. Why? Oh right, because the fucking FDA made sure of it when they approved the fucking stuff. Why do we dick with things that work? Has the news been filled with reports of people keeling over from intestinal pain after too much goddamn carrageenan? Are oncologists warning against coconut creamer? Were people getting the shits? What brought this panic on? Some stupid research that flies in the face of what the people keeping us from eating and dying all these years have found safe for us to ingest! Further research showed that it was not a carcinogen at all but "just to be safe" they were removing it from many non dairy products. Why do we succumb to irrational panic? Are we sheeple? What form of chimp logic tells you that if research is rebuked sufficiently, you still need to run screaming? For those still not convinced that it is safe, riddle me this...why is it still in ice cream, chocolate milk, and low fat yogurt?
My coffee is now graced with half and half and ever shall be until we either stop acting like irrational ass clowns or someone finds a new all-natural, organic, vegan, cruelty-free emulsifier to make coconut and almond creamer more palatable again. We have enough to worry about without researchers causing widespread agiation over something that has very little basis in fact and doesn't directly relate to human health. Do I care about the health and safety of the food I serve in my house? Of course I do. Am I going to sacrifice flavor due to the scare tactics of extremists and paranoid researchers? Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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