Who do you think you are, part 2

I'm still waiting for an intelligent answer. I guess that makes me the stupid one. There is no smart reply to that question because no matter what you say, you'll sound like a ass bag. Feeling entitled to behave however the hell you'd like is part of who you are, like a giant oozing sore. Fear not, I am here to heal that sore and turn you into someone I don't loathe. Doesn't that sound great? While that may sound like something that will only benefit me, and usually that is my M.O., this will make you more appealing to the rest of the world as well. Don't thank me now, there's plenty of time for that.

6. Cover your mouth: Another basic courtesy you should have been taught decades ago, yet haven't seemed to master as yet. We've gone over this before. Sneezing and coughing travel at such high speeds across long distances that you'd think it would be obvious to you WHY you absolutely have to cover your goddamn mouth when it happens. Yet, I'm still being hit by your projectile viral shrapnel. If you aren't someone that I regularly kiss on the mouth, consider it a given that I don't wish to share your cooties. I'd love to have you do what we call the "Preschool cough" by covering your mouth with your arm and keeping your hand germ-free, but I'd be thrilled even if you used your hand. Keep your mucous to yourself.

7. Don't use corporate-speak outside the office: There's nothing more frustrating than trying to carry on a conversation with someone who thinks they are still at work. There are no "action items" at my house. I have shit I need to get done, but nothing that requires action. Most people I know don't "bankroll" their shopping, they pay for it. The only "face time" I use is the one on my iPhone. Never will you hear me saying that I'd like to have some face time with you. I'll ask to hang out with you instead, if that's ok. And if I'm "getting into bed" take me literally. That will never mean I'm developing a close relationship with someone...ever. Don't ask me what the "takeaway" was from something I just heard. That sounds like what you do with Chinese food. Oh, and I'll talk to you, not "interface" with you because I am not a computer or piece of technology and those are the only things that should be interfacing with anything.

8. Don't touch me: Should the urge strike you to reach out and make physical contact with me, stop yourself before I do. Lately, I've noticed that people are more inclined to put their digits on what I'd consider total strangers. Why the hell would you do this? Why the need to feel someone's shirt fabric? Especially if you are a slapper, and you know what I mean. Punctuating each exciting phrase or point of proof with a hearty whack on the upper arm or back, you are the worst of the lot. Hitting is a no-no, weren't you taught this? This does not apply to people I consider friends. Touching is something reserved for people you feel a certain closeness to, not everyone on the fucking planet. For the record, I don't feel close to you.

9. Wash your hands after you use the toilet: You didn't think this was an issue, did you? Tell the truth...when you are in a public bathroom, do you wash your hands after doing your business? Fucking liar! I'm watching you. I see you leave the stall after pissing a river and ripping a mighty fart. Next on your list, checking your hair and makeup. After fluffing your hair and reapplying your lipstick, you stroll out like you're actually done!  What the fuck?!?!? How can you leave the shitter and enter the world with pissy hands? Or God forbid, shitty fingers. Are you planning on touching anything or anyone in the near future? No doubt you are a toucher, too. This is a task learned in conjunction with potty training, so you've known about it for many decades. Take this note as a bitch-slap to remind you to scrub your filthy hands.

10. Don't correct me unless you are certain you are right: This is a pet peeve of mine. Being of above-average intelligence, I usually know of which I speak. This is not to say I don't have a brain fart or two every fucking day, but that's perimenopause, not stupidity. There are times I dumb down what I am saying to cater to a certain audience...it's a valid reason. If you are too fucktarded to figure it out, that's your issue, not mine. Don't jump in to "fix" what I've said, it's not wrong.  I've specifically altered it to suit the situation. Beyond that and occasional senior moments, my words are carefully chosen and if I choose to speak about a topic, I already know about it. I am the first to admit when I don't know something and will tell you immediately. I will also look it up later so that the lack of knowledge doesn't eat away at me. Don't engage me in a battle of wits, you'll always be unarmed.

Learning these rules may take time and retraining your brain to think like a decent and gracious human being. I'll allow for a week's worth of digesting and incorporation. After that, all bets are off. Get your shit together and think of someone other than yourself for a change. Stop being the irritating ass hat you've always been and make a change for the better. Be someone I don't want to shank. I've done all I can, it's your turn...see, I know how to take turns. One day, will you? We all know the answer to that. Are you friggin kidding me right now???