Organic or call the exterminator...this NY transplant just can't go green

Going green, sounds very Kermit the Froggish to me.  I love the Earth as much as the next chick, but you cannot expect me to recycle every last scrap of paper I crumble up and toss aside.  It's not in me.  Not to say that I don't try to toss a wine bottle or two or three into the recycling bin the association nicely provides for us, but I have been known to shove cans and junk mail into my coffee grind-filled PLASTIC bag from Safeway and lob it into the giant trash bin.  I come from a family that reused margarine tubs for food storage. Margarine and all the tasty trans and saturated fats you can possibly hold!  No fear of CFCs or whatever the hell else you want me to be afraid of by using the wrong type of plastic in the microwave.  Old wonton soup containers served us just fine for leftover spaghetti that would make great spaghetti pie later in the week.  Now you'd tell me to buy the appropriate Rubbermaid containers with the flex-seal nonsense.  Balls.  My money is better spent elsewhere.  Notice I haven't grown an extra set of ears or turned bright yellow from all the chemicals you claim are in the plastics I've used all my life.
Organic just plain fucking scares me.  Fruit and vegetables that look like they've been kicked and tossed across the store just don't appeal to me.  They are not shiny and beautiful, nor do they attract my eye.  Let's discuss the amount of bugs crawling around in those all natural, organic, free-range nasty veggies you swear by, shall we?  Once, I decided to give it a go and bought some organic cauliflower from Whole Foods.  Yes, Whole Foods, I know...the smell of acidophilus and granola is overwhelming.  While attempting to wash and chop the head of cauliflower I noticed something gray moving around.  Upon closer inspection, I found it to be an aphid.  OK, I rinsed it off thinking, "It DID come from the dirt."  And I continued, rinsing more and more of those nasty little bastards down my drain.  I cut the cauliflower in quarters to more closely inspect this potential dinner item.  It was crawling with bugs!!!!  Fuck that noise.  There was no way to rescue this meal.  I tossed that nasty, dirty, filthy, vermin-infested organic produce into the plastic Whole Foods bag it came in, and ran to the dumpster to get rid of the pests.  Even I know that ladybugs eat aphids, so you natural farmers out there, take note!!!  I didn't ask you to spray pesticides since I know it offends your sensibilities...why, I don't know.  Give me chemicals any day over insects in my food.
Keeping on point, what the hell is hemp clothing? And moreover, why the hell would you want to wear it? Isn't rope made from hemp?  What would you want to put that itchy shit on your body?  What purpose does it serve?  Isn't cotton natural enough for you?  Cotton grows out of the ground, it comes from dirt...you hippie freaks loves your dirt and bugs. Wear cotton.  And shave your legs, this is not Europe.  We don't embrace furry appendages here.  And your pits.  Hairy pits are just wrong...and they stink.  Don't believe for a second that using that crystal blob from Toms of Maine is going to mask that odor, my friend.  Hair traps odor, pure and simple.  Grab yourself a chemically-loaded, biologically engineered clinical strength Secret antiperspirant and slather it on, my green friend.  Science is there to help you, allow it.
And don't ask me to hug a tree, are you friggin kidding me right now???