Monday, July 2, 2012

Oh no, camel toe!

Fashion police...where do I join?  So many crimes against my eyes and nature.  We see it everyday, I do comment, yet nobody takes note.  The wave of inappropriate clothing choices crashes over our neighborhoods over and over.  Maybe we are so jaded, we are starting to believe it's normal.  It must stop now!!!
I don't want to have my eyes assaulted each and every time I leave the house.  I have enough trouble with my vision, no help is necessary from the fashion-challenged.  That's the PC term, right?  God knows, I don't want to offend anyone.  As soon as I stop laughing at my own joke, I'll continue here. Offending people is so easy to do.  Let me see how many lives I can touch today.
I don't care what size you wear, leggings are unattractive and inappropriate unless paired with a longer shirt.  I know you think you are sexy as hell and we all deserve a sneak peek at your, ahem, curves.  Thank you, no.  Seeing each and every lump and bump on your body is grossly unappealing to me.  If you are thin, you look like a street walker as you strut down the street in your leggings and cropped top.  If you are overweight, you are basically blinding me. Cover your girlie bits regardless of size and we will all get along just fine.
Wear clothes that reflect the fact that you actually know what size you are and can dress accordingly.  It's summer and I know you want to wear cute tops and shorts.  I am all over that.  Wear your goddamn size!  Nobody wants a viewing of your back fat and muffin top.  Muffin top...this offense takes place all year long thanks to a growing population of folks who actually believe that if you squeeze your lard ass into something 2 sizes too small, it will suck you in like Spanx and make you thin and attractive.  Sorry, it just doesn't work that way.  The fat has to go somewhere.  Oozing like toothpaste squeezed out of a tube, so goes your fat over the top of those too-tight jeans creating a huge Michelin-man-like roll all the way around your waist for all to see.  This same rule applies to shirts.  Yes, a tight t-shirt on a busty girl can be a lovely sight, I can readily admit to that.  That same t-shirt on a Large Marge is like sausage casing and makes me physically nauseated.  If I can count your rolls from 40 paces, your shirt is way too tight. 
Along those lines, get sized for your bra.  Girls, I know this process is uncomfortable at best, and you'd rather have warts removed with a vegetable peeler.  Trust me, I know.  Your bra should fit correctly so it can do its job, holding up your tits.  When your bra is buried in layers of back roll, and your ladies are falling out of the top and sides of those poor cups, it doesn't fit!!!  You aren't doing yourself any favors in the fashion department by wearing a too-tight bra.  Victoria's Secret has nicely created several styles that will create cleavage for you without having to wear a smaller bra.  The girls should rest comfortably inside the cups, not pour out the top.  Ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag is never acceptable.
Ok, deep breath.  One more topic comes to mind, and I must get it off my chest.  Camel toe.  Moose knuckle.  Whatever your little term of endearment is for this grotesque offense, wedgies are wrong!  Your pants should never, ever ride up your vag so high and hard that the whole world can see each labia separately.  In fact, we shouldn't see them at all.  Aside from being uncomfortable at best, painful at its worst, camel toe is disgusting and can be unsanitary.  Oh you know what I am referring to, don't play stupid.  Yeast infections run rampant in chicks who insist on yanking their pants all up in their lady parts.  So guys, when you see this and think, "That's hot", think again.  Think raging discharge and a smell that rivals the worst sewer you've ever encountered.  Bad, dirty, homeless ass smells better.  Yeah, that's hot. 
All I ask, and it's not too much, is that you have a look in the mirror before you leave the house.  One day I'll see you, and you will offend my sensiblilities...and I will be forced to let you know by screaming for all to hear, "Are you friggin kidding me right now???"