She wouldn't need to be a cougar if...

Don't you just love the word COUGAR?  It's become so popular these days for describing older women with younger men. Some ignorant ass clowns seem to think it's weird or perverse for an older woman to date a younger man.  Why?  Older men have been balling girls young enough to be their daughters since the beginning of time and nobody bats a fucking eye. That's right, because societal opinions are male-generated.  Sort of a fraternity of people thinking with their little heads and high-fiving each other's conquests. A woman's view on the topic seems to be unwelcome.  

The 80's were a great time for singles. Meet, bang, begin again. No strings, no bullshit. Eventually, you met the person you were to marry and a new chapter began.  Fast forward to 2012, couples are divorcing at warp speed for a variety of reasons. Disposable marriages are more common than most would care to admit, but it's the truth.  Don't fix what you can toss out and buy new.  We do it with appliances, TVs, shirts, cars...fuck it, add humans to the list.  I'm not standing in judgement of your decisions, so don't jump ugly with me about the completely valid, to YOU, reasons why you are no longer with your ex.  To each his or her own.

The sexually-peaking 40-something woman finds herself thrust back into the dating pool with all her clothes on, completely unprepared.  Where does she even begin?  Where can she meet a man?  Match.com?  Oh hell no, we've already gone over the dangers of doing that. The collar and cuffs NEVER match.  No internet dating of any kind...see the face that goes with the hype and decide that way.  So?  Where does she meet Mr. Right Now? You guessed it, ladies.  At a bar.  Forced back into your early twenties, you reenter the bar scene hesitantly because you're so goddamn out of practice.

Depending upon which bar you choose, you may be labelled accordingly.  Some places call what you are now a sexy divorcee, while another may resort to that lovely moniker, cougar.  All the name-calling pisses us off.  If we are at that point in our lives where we are back at the bar, it's only to add a few names to the old score card.  We've now got some years and bitterness under our belts, and name-calling, labeling, whatever you want to call it today, will only piss us off.  Pissing off a forty-something can be dangerous. We carry dental floss and aren't afraid to castrate with it.  Watch your tone, buddy.

Well, well, well.  You've met someone new, now what? Use your filter, babe.  Does he have half a brain?  Does he appreciate the same music?  Does he have nice biceps? Then, girlfriend, get on it.  It's 2012, you program your digits into each other's smartphone, of course.  Then what?!?!  You wait.  There are new rules and you don't know them. Don't worry, I'll share them with you as they have been shared with me by a dear friend of mine.

RULE #1

Do not text first!  Asking innocently if he'd like to meet for a drink later on in the week will be interpreted as requesting his hand in marriage. Guys, get over yourselves.

RULE #2

When he does text, and he will, tell him how great it is that he has texted AND that you are sorry, but you are busy.  Always be busy, for at least three days.  Even if this means spending quality time with your cat on the sofa eating Cocoa Puffs and watching a Will and Grace-a-thon all weekend.  Never seem anxious or readily available.

RULE #3

Never, ever talk about yourself.  He gets center stage while you listen in what he thinks is rapt fascination about his ex-wife, old girlfriend issues, his mother, and his pecs. Why? Because you are a middle-aged woman who is desperate for male attention and should be grateful.  Or at least, that's HIS view.

RULE #4

Try to ignore the fact that these men have more baggage that a transcontinental flight filled with trannies.  They hold all the cards, and you don't.

What the fuck are you supposed to do?  Enter into yet another dysfunctional relationship much like the one you just left?  You could. You could also get root canal with no novocaine.  Whichever you feel will bring you less pain.  Or...you can consider dating a much younger man.  This part is easy, period, no question about it.  Why is it so easy? Because they are too young to be jaded, suspicious, or smart enough to even think you may have some hidden wedding agenda.  What they are, is horny and willing.  The typical text, email, or Facebook message goes a little something like this, "Wanna get together and fuck Friday night?"  But wait, it gets better.  This message can come from YOU!!! No waiting, pretending to be busy, feigning interest in his life, none of that shit.  He's excited by your willingness to go at it multiple times in one night and not ask for a cuddle or sleep-over privileges.  Slam, motherfucking, dunk.  

All the labels in the world can't compete with the complete and total satisfaction you can expect to derive from this information I've provided.  No strings, no drama, no bullshit. Now get out there and use what you've learned.  Pass it on to others, don't be a bitch about it.  There are plenty of younger men out there, some people have been breeding like flies and you stand to benefit from it.  Now, when one of those middle-aged train wrecks wants to exchange phone numbers with you, say with great confidence, "Are you friggin kidding me right now?"