5. We all have opinions and we are entitled to them. We are also allowed to express them, according to the constitution, without inciting a riot. Posting that Jack in the Box french fries suck moose balls is an opinion. Not one likely to incite a riot, but perhaps a spirited debate. Usually people don't get too offended by opposing food preferences. Telling us that voting in an election is challenging because you don't feel either candidate is worthy of your vote is actually fine because, face it, most folks would agree with you and you aren't taking a staunch stance on either side. But when you decide to express yourself loudly and proudly all over fucking social media land about political issues that you know damn well are touchy, like gun laws and abortions, and you are asking for all the virtual junk punches you get. Since we've already gone over this in grotesque detail, delineating each and every topic that is verboten outside of the safety of your home, I shouldn't have to include this rule. Yet, you continue to break it, so I am forced to repeat myself, which I HATE. Don't make me shank your jejunum.
6. Nobody likes a braggart. That should be simple and easy to understand, but yet, I see vast amounts of vomit-inducing self-aggrandizing as well as shoving the minor achievements of children down my throat. While I am certain you are quite proud of yourself for that twenty-five cent an hour raise, and you should be since raises are few and far between in this economy, there are some folks out there who are still seeking gainful employment and have been for some time. Rubbing your success in their noses is the eptiome of bitchassness. If your life is wonderful, God bless you. Should you be free of stress, sickness, financial hardship, petty bullshit, or things of that nature...be thankful not boastful. My mom would never brag about me when I was a child, she believed in malocchio (the evil eye), which was brought about by the jealousy of others. How better to make someone jealous than to wax poetic about the perfection of your child? I had straight A's all through school, yet nobody ever knew about it...nobody but my parents. For this reason, I rarely post any of my child's achievements. You don't give a shit, and I am fully aware of that. Those who do, will know. The rest won't. Don't over-share.
7. You got a new haircut, color, eyebrow wax, lip color...fanfuckingtastic! Wear them all in good health. Don't flood my feed with a photo montage of it! Trust me when I tell you, none of us care. Plus, when you don't post pics, we won't have to feel obligated to comment on them. We were all told that if we don't have anything nice to say, not to say anything at all. But in social media land, it becomes obligatory to "like" or express some sort of positive comment on a friend's photo, particularly when it is of themselves. Putting this kind of unnecessary pressure on a friend is cruel and unusual. The fact is, you don't want the truth. What you are looking for is validation that you've made the right choice regarding your appearance. Your self-esteem is so low, you seek ME out to make you accept yourself. Bad choice. Most of the time, consider yourself fortunate that I still listen to the echo of my mom's voice inside my head.
8. Some conversations are meant to be private. Sorry to be the one to pee in your cornflakes, but someone has to, and my thimble-sized bladder is ready. You may love the shit out of your boyfriend or girlfriend, they may be the light of your life, the air in your lungs, the wine in your glass, the weed in your bong. Beautiful, tear-jerkingly beautiful. However, unless it is their birthday or your anniversary, posting vomit-inducing stati on your wall and theirs for God and all to see is about as mature as a hormonally-driven middle schooler with a raging, unrequited crush. As a grown ass woman, I can assure you that love is best expressed in private, face-to-face with that person. Gushing like a school-girl or -boy all over social media land is extraordinarily immature and is similar to the more animal version of this behavior...pissing on your territory. Resembling a virtual hickey, the nonsense you subject the rest of us to is not needed. No one wants your mate. If they did, he/she wouldn't be with you. Think about it, ass bag.
Equipped with this newfound information, I expect you to go forth and use social media more appropriately than you have been doing as of late. Before you hit "post" scan over the list of rules, which I do suggest you print out and keep right next to your computer, lest you be tempted to behave like a total fucktard publicly yet again. One day, you'll thank me for saving you from further humiliation. Until then, try your hardest not to flood my feed with your window-licking stupidity. Do you really think anyone cares? Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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