6. You look good for your age! Would that be as old as dirt? For my age? More often than not, the offender doesn't even know your age and is assuming much older. Thinking this is somehow flattering, they go out of their way to say something about their brilliant observation. Or, on the other hand, they find out your age and let you know that even though you are a few years older than Jesus, you seem to be holding up better. The appropriate and safer response to hearing our age sounds more like, "That's impossible, I thought you were (subtract ten years from actual age)!" Commit that one to memory.
7. You aren't old enough to have a 17 (18, 19...) year old! Did you have her when you were ten? Yes, I was a mail-order bride and gave birth before going through puberty, it was miraculous. What the fuck are you saying exactly? If you are implying that I look young, then thank you. But to imply that I look young and that I must have been a raging whore as a kid pisses me off. Most folks will say it once and it won't have been too offensive for either party once they are straightened out on the facts. Unfortunately, there are the ass clowns who, like a rabid dog with a bone, will rant on and on, beating the topic to death and raising my blood pressure to unhealthy levels. Yes, she is my daughter; no, she is NOT my sister; I had her at 24 NOT 14; and if you persist upon belaboring this conversation, I will be forced to ram my foot directly into your ball bag so far that you actually stop breathing for a period of time. Are we clear?
8. She doesn't work, she's a stay-at-home mom. I suppose you don't really treasure your family jewels as much as you should. Anyone who made the choice to stop working outside the home after their child(ren) was born knows how much work they do during the course of any given day. They also know that their job doesn't start at 8, have an hour lunch break, and end at 5:30 at which time they grab their shit and leave. When we made the decision to raise our child ourselves rather than letting day care workers do it for us, we signed on for a 24/7 position. Not only would be be saddled with all the household duties, because hell, we WERE home, but we agreed to be a mom, teacher, nurse, chauffeur, chanteuse, walking coach, stroller pusher, book reader, cook, maid, waitress, personal assistant, and the end-all and be-all to this one little person. Stay home and try it for a solid week. As you stumble across the floor to reach for your much-needed giant mug of coffee, tell me again that it's not work.
9. Is that your natural hair color? or Are those your natural curls? While these questions are usually followed with a lovely compliment, there are times when they are not. Those times are the ones that set my fucking teeth on edge. I have previously admitted to playing with hair color on a regular basis, so I won't try to deny it now. However, when it fades, and it always does, my natural color comes through. At least in part. Never one to stray far from the original, it is always a shade of red, auburn, strawberry blonde, or something in that realm. Throw in the fact that I do have blue eyes and freckles, unless I've gone completely fucking nuts and dyed it black, chances are it's pretty close to what has been the progression of my natural color over the years. Would you ask a man if those were his real teeth or if he used a penis pump? I think not. The curls are mine, all mine. They are wild, untamed, and a pain in my ass. But NO, I do not perm it, my hair does not have the tacky, frizzy look most girls had back in the 80's. Lesson here, throw a compliment directly after the question unless you like being set on fire.
10. Check out the tits, ass, legs, gaping vagina on that one! With the exception of lesbians, I do not know one woman who actually wants to have another woman's assets pointed out to her. Of course, I am pretty sure that most lesbians have more class than most straight men and wouldn't call it out quite in that way. Having our own personal insecurities that we may or may not share with you, we are very aware of what other women look like and how we compare. There is never a need to direct our attention to the gigantic cans of some broad passing us on the street, remarking about how ours look like her twin babies. Trust me when I say, I have no desire to check out any woman's ass tightly wrapped in yoga pants that look like they are buried so far in her vagina, her cervix is dressed. My ghetto ass is the only one I have, I'm not shopping around for a new one, so don't alert me to the alternates. Point of interest, if you want to be in our presence and have the ability to breathe and use your genitals ever again, keep your eyes in your head and your mouth closed.
Hopefully I've shed some light on some relevant topics and helped you understand a fraction of how we tick. This is not rocket science, we are not convoluted mazes to figure out, you don't need a road map to our brains, it's just not that hard. Pay attention to what I've said, perhaps read more of my entries to get a feel for where a woman's mind is coming from, and file away all of this important information in your memory banks. We'd never actually injure you, jail holds no appeal to us. But don't underestimate our ability to make your life a living hell for even the slightest infraction. Think I'm not serious? Give it a try. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
No comments:
Post a Comment