Turning big boys into men, erasing the Mommy mistakes

Men are guilty of this crime, even though if asked, they'd tell you the complete opposite is true. They expect you to read their minds and anticipate their needs. Here's where you've gone wrong, guys, we aren't your mommy, it's not our job. When you left home, you should have become a man  Men do things for themselves and don't wait for an available female to do it. This is more frustrating than most men realize. When you accuse us of not caring because we didn't get you an aspirin...ask yourself if you even mentioned the friggin headache. Don't tell me I should have known because you were quiet, or your eyes were at half-mast, or your ass moved to instead of fro when you walked in the door. No woman can be expected to care quite that much. Wait a minute, don't get your tightie whities in a bunch. Before you assume I mean we don't care about you at all, because you only hear/read what you want to hear/read, you need to know something  We DO care, more than you realize. We are trying to make you become communicative, functioning adults.
Actually, I suppose we are picking up where your mommy left off, and are trying to do a better job with you.  All boys love their mommies, and rightfully so. Mothers of sons tend to baby the shit out of them. Coddled and spoiled all their lives, little boys grow up to be big boys, not men.  Many have not even learned to do their own laundry by the time they've moved out. The concept of replacing the toilet paper roll is foreign.  Throwing out the empty milk carton rather than putting it back into the fridge seems silly. Buying groceries, why bother?  The fridge is well-stocked all by itself, right? Cooking? If you mean unwrapping frozen pizza and throwing it in the microwave, then he cooks. Who makes a bed? Mommy does so baby boy can have a comfy womfy sleep, yes he do. So, if you think about it, how the fuck can he get his own aspirin? The bottles are child-proof! Don't even imagine he can figure out the dosage even if he could actually get the cap off the bottle. Mommy has always done that FOR him.
Boys love their mommies almost to the point of hero-worship. Don't get between a guy and his mommy, you will lose. Their mommies are saintly, virginal women who exist only to please their children and husbands.  Catering to their every whim, anticipating their needs, these women are put up on a pedestal so high they are almost impossible to see with the naked eye. You will never be quite as good. Your sauce isn't like hers, and you don't fold his underwear the way she did. She used to cut his sandwiches on the diagonal, you cut them straight across. Shame on you for not knowing the proper way. Where are the bananas?!  How can he eat his Frosted Flakes without them?  And who will cut the bananas the way he likes them? Not you. Don't bother trying. Fuck that!

The thing is, you want to be nice. You want him to be happy.  As a newlywed, you race around pampering him like you imagine a good little wifey would, exhausting yourself as he collects his reward at night from you. At the time, you think nothing of it because you are so blissfully happy and totally unaware of how things are really supposed to be. It seems right, you being a pretty little domestic goddess for your big, strong man. Right?!?! This continues on for whatever period of time it takes for something to knock some goddamn sense into you. All of a sudden you realize that you are a fucking slave that can do no right because, face it, you aren't mommy. The references to how "she used to do it" are like little shanks in your eardrums. She becomes the enemy even though prior to marriage, you may have loved this woman and gotten along famously. Now, she is the competition and you are losing miserably.
How in the name of the sweet baby Jesus is this going to last?  Let me let you in on a little secret, she who holds the keys to the vagina always wins in the end. Use sex as a weapon? Not necessarily. There are bigger fish to fry before you need to pull your trump card  First and foremost, you must surgically remove the remainder of the umbilical cord that still runs between him and mommy dearest. But how is this done?  Believe it or not, continue to do things YOUR way, and do them exceedingly well. He may not say anything at first, but he notices. While creating your household in your image, as it should be, call his mommy and ask for some of his favorite recipes. She will eat this shit up and you look like a saint. Learn to make them exactly as she would, because he will flip his lid and yet, you have no intention of keeping up that charade, anyway. Eventually, you will tweak these dishes and change them into something you do even better than she does, and likely won't require an angioplasty after consuming. My grandmother used to give my uncle CREAM in his cereal while my mom got milk that she had to pour for herself. And yes, he needed several angioplasties when he got older, so heed my warning.
Next, we move on to self-promotion. I don't mean take out a billboard singing your praises. Just make sure he notices how great you are, and you are fabulous. This is not the time to go frumpy and dumpy.  Appearance is important even after the "I do" and maybe more so now. When you fold his underwear in the way you like it and how it actually fits in the fucking furniture you now own, become the household Vanna White. Open the drawer and put them away in front of him, looking as smokin' hot as you would have when you were just dating.Yeah, those tightie whities are just fine your way now. Men are visual, and Mommy has nothing on you in that department. Your cans caught his eye, the way your ass sways when you walk stops his heart, and certainly your lips hold a whole lot more appeal and pleasure for him than hers. Use those powers for good, woman!
Big boys can become men...with your help. Don't let their moms have the final say. Fix what's broken, and Lord knows, Mommy broke a LOT! Kick her off that pedestal with a smile on your face. Take your rightful place in his heart and his house, as the boss. It's time, ladies. We can't allow this to continue. Most of us have children, and nobody wants a 45 year old son in addition to two middle schoolers. The 45 year old creates way more drama and is harder listen to when he cries. If you've got it, flaunt it. You are intelligent and capable and goddamn it, he needs to bow down to your awesomeness. Do you have to grin and bear it to spare his mommy's feelings? You're the wife, baby. Are you friggin kidding me right now???