Some nuns are better than none...RIGHT!!!!

Nuns are a very special breed of woman.  I say breed because I'm not completely convinced that all of them are human.  They claim to be, but how can we know for sure? Having attended 11 years of Catholic school, I feel like somewhat of an expert on this species. Their habits, their clothing, their public vs private (behind the closed classroom door) behavior, their relationships with humans of the lay variety...I've got them all covered.  Oh, and by LAY variety, I am referring to those not ordained by the church, or non-nuns and non-priests, not necessarily those who get laid. Strange creatures who usually seem to be at least slightly angry, nuns can be found in a variety of settings.
Some hospitals employ nuns to be comforting to the patients.  I find this particularly hysterical because nuns are the most nerve-wracking beings to have in your presence. You certainly don't want one walking into your hospital room while you are helplessly lying there with tubes jutting out of multiple places of your body, basically anchoring you to the bed and eliminating any form of escape. A special brand of evil, and you totally incapacitated, not a very promising combination. I don't recommend it. Have a friend slip you one of those airplane bottles of vodka for your snot-colored, hospital-issued water cup if you need comfort.  The nightmares alone will extend your healing time by weeks, and your hospital stay as well.
Imagine if you will, the nuns who chose to be social workers, and some do.  Is this the person you want knocking on your door to do an in-home visit?  I suppose if you've done something to require one, you probably deserve a visit from Sr. Mary Hellfire. Usually, those visits are reserved for parents who share the same anger and evil as nuns. Wonder what one of those meetings looks like?!?! Probably something close to a prison yard throwdown, using only words as weapons.  Fucking scary.  But let's say you are looking to adopt a child.  You will require an in-home visit or two from Social Services to judge your ability to house and care for a child.  In walks Sr. Mary Pissed Off, and you just about wizz yourself.  She may only come up to your collarbone, but you recognize right away that she is a force to be reckoned with, and you are trembling. Rightfully so, this woman holds your future in her stubby, pasty white hands...and she already doesn't like you.  I'll bet you didn't think to place a few crucifixes strategically around the house, lay out a few bibles, maybe a religious statue or two? A shrine to the Blessed Mother would have been wise.  But how could you have known?  Sorry, heathen, you are shit out of luck.
There are the nuns that perform administrative work, almost always in a school setting. They are not nearly as intimidating as the others.  Pushing paper from one end of a desk to another may make them feel important, and if that paper is yours, then maybe they have a bit of leverage over you. If you are a parent, you can bulldoze right over Sr. Mary Paper Clip.  If you are student, beware.  She has access to all your records and would not hesitate for a moment to lord that over you and make your life a living hell if you need her help.  Remember, she is angry and sits two feet from a shredder. Be nice, to her face.  Imitate the hell out of her once you leave the office and are all the way home.  That bitch can hear and see you even when you can't see her.  They have superpowers that humans do not. We will explore those in the next section, but just know they exist. And live in abject fear.
Now we can discuss my favorite breed of nun, the teacher. Dressed head to toe in black, offset with white collars, orthopedic shoes, a wimple covering slightly greasy and outdated hair, and blunted fingernails on the cleanest hands your eyes have ever seen, nuns who teach are a sight to see. Don't let their almost penguin-like appearance fool you.  They are not cute and cuddly like the Antarctic birds.  These are a vicious breed and require special care and handling.  I am not kidding.  Heed my words.  Cross one and find out for yourself, or take me very seriously and learn from my experiences.  Some speak in hushed tones, while others bellow like they've swallowed bullhorns. Both are equally dangerous, don't be fooled.  They both can ruin an entire year of school for you and not bat an eyelash.  Not sure they have eyelashes. Anyway, tread lightly around the teacher nun.
First matter of importance, do NOT talk in class.  Or, don't get caught.  They can not only hear you, but they can identify you by voice, even a whisper is enough. Getting busted for talking will cause you great discomfort, in a variety of possible forms.  Perhaps your teacher is Sr. Mary the Humiliator.  She will stand in front of the class with her sausagey hands on her rounded hips and call you by your full name, loudly. Asking you to stand up so everyone can witness your dressing down, she will ask you what was so important that you had to interrupt the entire class. There is NO correct answer, don't bother. Regardless of what you say, and realize, at this point, she is the one interrupting the class, not you...you will be admonished for your sinful behavior.  Disrespectful little shit that you are, you've caused her great distress. This is what she will tell you. Bullshit.  She is heartier and stronger than you and I put together. When you've turned the desired shade of beet she was looking for, she will bark at you to sit back down and stop wasting her precious time.  Again, who stopped teaching to discuss your evil ways in front of everyone? Right.
Maybe you were lucky enough to get Sr. Mary Corporal Punishment.  She's a beaut. Whether she catches you talking, whispering, shifting around in your seat, answering a problem incorrectly at the board, or breathing too loudly, the punishment is always the same.  This crabby twat will haul off and smack you so hard in your ass, sitting down won't be an option for days to come.  If you are sitting down, no problem.  She'll grab you by the arm, right under the pit, and yank you up out of that chair at lightning speed just to smack you with all she's got. As you get older and larger, the pain factor dwindles, and you have the overwhelming urge to laugh in her face.  Don't!  For the love of God, don't do it.  She will grab the yardstick and whack you with that. No matter how big you get, it hurts like a bitch.  Just allow her to think she is still the vicious prizefighter she believes herself to be.

There is one other punitive nun you could encounter.  This one seems harmless at first. Strict as the others, she doesn't necessarily inspire the same fear.  That is until you fuck up.  And you will.  You are human, she clearly is not.  This makes you imperfect and it becomes her job to penalize you for it. Penalize is the toned-down term for what she is about to bestow upon you.  The written punishment.  Doesn't sound menacing yet, I know.  Maybe you've not had such a thing inflicted upon you so you don't see how this could possibly be so bad. Until you've had to write, "I will not talk in class and disturb the rest of the children causing them to forfeit their education and upset the teacher by being disrespectful of her total authority over me and the entire class ever again so long as I shall live on this Earth" 500 TIMES after school at your desk and aren't allowed to leave until it is handwritten neatly and submitted to Sr. Mary Margaret Hand-Crippler, you have no fucking idea what pain feels like.  You lose most of the feeling in your writing fingers by about the 205th sentence and by number 500, your hand resembles a grizzled claw and you are unable to straighten it out fully and without pain for several days.  This bitch knows exactly what she is doing to you, and she enjoys it. Don't let the giant cross hanging on her chest fool you. There's no love in that heart, if there even is one under her uni-boob.
Hopefully, I've sufficiently explained this breed to you.  More importantly, I hope I've instilled a healthy dose of fear into your heart and an awareness of what they are capable of behind closed doors. Protect your children, they will be scarred for life.  I'm not talking about the physical kind, although there's always the possibility.  Emotional scars aren't visible and they don't ever heal.  Once in a blue moon you will come across a fairly cool nun.  I've met one in 41 years, and that was 29 years ago.  It's a rare occurrence I don't expect you'll experience.  Beware, be alert, and be careful.  They have the church on their side and that is a force stronger and more fierce than anything you've gone up against thus far in your lifetime. After all these years, would I turn my back on a nun?  Are you friggin kidding me right now???