Does it stick in your craw, too? When white people decide that speaking regular English just isn't good enough for them anymore, and start using Ebonics? It's one thing to joke around in private with your friends and see who can sound the most ghetto. We've all done it. It's quite another when you adopt this dialect into your everyday life. The sagging pants that show your nasty-ass boxers or worse, your tightie whities, are bad enough. The fact that you've chosen to wear something you have to physically hold up all day long proves how stupid you are, but when you couple that look with sounding like you aren't certain of your race, you become a total fucking moron.
Everyone seems to want to be ghetto these days. Not all of you are or can be, sorry. Growing up in the rich white suburbs completely negates your ability to be considered ghetto. I know, it's heartbreaking. It doesn't matter what you wear, or how many hours you log watching BET, you will still be as white as rice if your parents are, too. You think you have "swagga", you look like you are nursing an injured leg. Having your hood up inside the house or that odd-looking baseball cap with the tag still dangling from it like Minnie Pearl, makes me wonder if you are Jewish. No one else wears hats inside. Hiding your yarmulke?
Someone explain to me why you'd call a girl a shortie? I've learned recently that there is some secret society of vertically-challenged people who actually call themselves shorties. Apparently, they didn't appreciate my entry about short men. But, now, armed with this knowledge, I feel compelled to tell you racially confused people what a shortie actually is, according to NOSSA, the National Association of Short Statured Adults. The mere fact that this little clan or cult exists makes me laugh my ass off. But, I feel the need to educate, so pay careful attention. NOSSA considers short stature to refer to any male person 5'7" and below and any female person 5'2" and below in height. Consider yourselves informed.
Since when did the phrase "off the hook" become anything but something to refer to when you leave the phone out of its cradle to impersonate a busy line in an attempt to ward off asshole callers? I'd have to assume around the same time we stopped using land lines and became surgically attached to our mobile phones. "Dat shit be off da hook" is not something I want describing my house, my cooking, or my ass. Let's see if we remember any real adjectives, shall we? I'm not asking that you dig deep into the recesses of what used to be your brain and pull out a $50 SAT word like rapturous or ambrosial. How about a simple "nice house" instead of waxing ebonically about my "crib"?
Unless I am BBQing how the fuck can you possibly get all up in my grill? And really, why the hell would you want to throw yourself onto a burning hot metal rack? I know, at this point I am sounding more like an old geezer than the young, vivacious broad that I am, but PUH-LEEZE. The whole concept of wearing dental jewelry escapes me. Most people dread getting one of those oh-so-attractive metal crowns on their back teeth. Why in the hell would you purposely put a gigantic row of gold teeth, studded with jewels on your own front teeth? You can't talk properly, you can't eat. And you look ri-goddamn-diculous. Remember when braces were considered nerdy? Braces aren't a hell of a lot of metal, and they were thought to make even the most attractive person suddenly butt-ugly. Guess what, dumb ass? Putting that much metal in your mouth for decorative purposes makes you look as ugly as homemade sin.
Don't bother trying to AKS me a quesshun. Grammatically-challenged ass monkeys back in Queens in the late 70s and 80s used aks instead of ask. They were white. Back then, it was considered having bad language skills. Only the less-than-intelligent spoke that way. Now, it's included in the conversations of those who think they are a deeper shade of soul instead of the WASPy little shit they actually are and would realize if they took a moment to actually look at themselves in a functioning mirror. Anytime you bastardize English intentionally to try to sound cooler than you actually are, what you become is an illiterate jackass.
Like when you insist upon using double negatives because it sounds more gangsta, and we all know you think you are OG. See, I know some of the awesome vernacular you've learned, too. But, allow me to assure you of a few little items. First, using a double negative in a sentence actually means the opposite of what you are trying to convey. So, when you tell me you ain't got none, you actually do, ass wad. Then, we move into the whole gangsta bullshit. The original "gangstas" (or as you call them OG) were Italian or Sicilian and were called gangstERS or mobsters. They dressed impeccably and did not talk like retards. Think about it.
Since you aren't a gang member, from a poor neighborhood, part of the Cosa Nostra (which doesn't exist, mind you), or African American, maybe you can try to embrace who you actually are...even if you aren't as cool as you'd like to be. Acting like something you're not is never cool or attractive to a potential dating partner. It's the same as being a phony but way more fun to laugh at with your friends. So pay very close attention pasty white boy, if you still choose to "roll up" wif yo' homies, crack a FO-TY, watching for the po-po, looking to "pop a cap" all up in some playas azz, know one thing, I am so totally gonna rag on you. I will laugh and point and mock you using really big-ass words that I can be positive you will not know. How can I not? Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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