My perimenopause entries seem to have encouraged many of you
ladies to write to me, pleading with me to give you responses to the fucktarded
questions your husbands and boyfriends are asking you. I have compiled these
questions and answered them for you...to be quoted directly, as needed.
1. Is this a real thing, or is it just some excuse you can use to blame all your mood swings on?
No, it isn't real. I've made this whole thing up. Specifically to torment you. Yes, it's personal. Because i enjoy looking like a psychotic loon half the time and bleeding like a stuck pig the other half. I've even taken into account that you may not believe me, so I've also gotten the internet in on the joke, setting up websites and support groups for women like me, who have also decided to drive their husbands and/or partners batshit crazy. I guess you'd call it a conspiracy, women determined to push everyone around them away in the most painful way possible...to us. Our suffering means nothing as long as it bugs you. Now I'm crying...great trick, right? Maybe if you lost complete control over your emotions a few times a day, unrelated to sports, you'd have a glimmer into my world.
2. Is this gonna make you get all bloated and fat? Cause that would suck.
Are you asking if I'll gain weight? Hmmm, this coming from you? Let's see if i can answer that with a straight face. Well, since you've managed to stay high school svelte the entire time we've been together, I can see how this may concern you a smidgen. Rest assured, I am doing everything in my power to fight off the pounds on a daily basis. Funny thing is that even if I eat like a bird, I still can pack on unwanted pounds because estrogen is a harsh mistress. Tell me your excuse again? Because I know the steady diet of pizza, chips, and beer is definitely the way to six pack abs, so something else must be interfering with your regimen.
3. So that's it, you can't get pregnant anymore, right? I mean, will this decrease your sex drive?
So glad you asked. I would have to want to have sex with you to get pregnant, wouldn't i? Nothing is a bigger turn on than stupid questions and so...now that I can see where your priorities are (my libido is doing the dance of joy as we speak), I can assure you that I cannot get pregnant...having sex with a total fucktard is not high on my list of things to do, so I should be just fine. Thanks for asking..
4. Is this gonna interfere with our sex life? I mean, can we still do it? Like before?
See above answer. I am not repeating myself for the intellectually impaired.
5. How long is this peri-whatever gonna last? It's kinda annoying.
Wow, another excellent question. Annoying you is absolutely heartbreaking for me so I will try to rush through these 5-10 years as quickly as possible so as to cause you as little distress as possible. I mean, the odd rashes, exhaustion, crotch floods, and feeling teary eyed and stabby all at the same time must be so hard for you. However do you handle it? Oh, that's right, you are happily bouncing along through life while I deal with this inexplicable bullshit. Sorry to have confused the two. I've not killed you yet, that's a good thing, right? Are you feeling better yet?
6. Why the hell are you bleeding so much?
Such a fantastic question! I can see that you are genuinely concerned by your use of "why the hell" and I want to give the same care and thoughtfulness to my response. Gee, I guess I could just make it stop and then you could breathe easily again. Because you know, it's that easy. A snap of the fingers and presto! The crime scenes are gone. Do you think I like the feeling of a rush of blood shooting out of my vazheen while I am standing up? Do you think it thrills me to have to wear industrial sized tampons and pads and still worry about spilling out of my clothing and onto whatever I may be sitting on at the time? And waking up every 30 minutes to change those industrial sized beauties because they weigh a ton and are in danger of dropping their contents onto the bed is absolutely my favorite part of the whole process. Let's just say that estrogen dominant women in perimenopause with fibroids can't help it and would like you to be understanding instead of demanding answers. Unless you'd like to be asked to wash the sheets at 3am? That can be arranged, too.
7. Aren't you kinda young to be hitting menopause?
Aren't you kinda old to still be asking fucktarded questions? Haven't you been paying attention? I'm pretty sure I didn't say MENOPAUSE...perimenopause is what I'm in so don't confuse the two and piss me off. This isn't the hormone replacement, beard growing, slip sliding into old age portion of the program. This is the fog brained, night sweating, crying at the drop of a hat, tired for no reason, bloody portion of the program. Note the differences and remember to steer clear and bring me wine whenever you're in doubt.
8. Why are you always so damn tired? If you're so tired, why don't you just take a damn nap.
Why are you such a giant scrotum? I suppose the fact that your hormones aren't having a fucking field day with you causes this kind of stupidity. My body hates me right now and there isn't a goddamn thing I can do about it. Unless you'd like to go to work for me so I can sleep all day long. Didn't think so. Maybe if I didn't have to come home and do everything while you scratched your crotch and belched the theme song to Gilligan's Island, I could actually rest. Then I may not seem so exhausted to you. But I won't ask you to do that. Wouldn't want to upset your fragile sensibilities. Maybe I'll just take a nap...
9. Can't you just take something for this? Is there a cure?
9. Can't you just take something for this? Is there a cure?
Really? Because if there was a "cure" out there, you think I wouldn't have a fucking IV drip of it hanging out of my arm right now? No, I would much prefer to suffer in silence while others enjoy the benefits of this miracle cure you are suggesting exists. It's far better to have hot flashes, night sweats, flooding periods, and the slow boil that is happening right now that I am struggling to prevent from steaming out of my ears so I don't kill you where you stand. Right, Why didn't I just run down to CVS and grab that bad boy off the shelf? Hold on while I do that, walking brain death.
10. Do all women go through this? How come I've never heard of it before? I was talking to my buddy about this and he said he's never heard of it. His wife is 55 and she didn't get it.
If I had a dollar for everything your ignorant ass hadn't heard of, I'd be a very rich woman. Perhaps you should try listening when I talk to you? It's a very real thing and sadly, many like you are causing it to be not taken very seriously. Even some doctors are calling women hysterical and paranoid. Maybe if we were actually heard by the people we look to for help, we'd have something to make it easier. Not every woman is fortunate enough to go through this. Some go very gently into that dark night. The rest of us...go kicking, screaming, and bleeding to death. Thanks for not giving a real shit. Have another beer and shut the fuck up.
I hope this helps provide guidance for answering some of the
dumbass questions you've been getting. Men must realize they should not, under
any circumstances, needle a woman going through this time in her life. We are not responsible for any loss of limb
or life that results from such stupidity. Having enjoyed five years of this
shit, I can assure you, we don't appreciate moronic, self-serving, whiny assed
questions from those who haven't the foggiest clue about this nightmare. Are
you friggin kidding me right now???
For more info and exciting facts:
Perimenopause Sucks Moldy Balls
Perimenopause Still Sucks Moldy Balls, Four Years Later
