Five Reasons Teenagers are Annoying as Hell...

Teenagers are one of the most annoying breeds of human, yet after living with one for quite some time now, I still think they are worthy of being loved. This sounds counterintuitive based on the facts I will present to you, but when yours is on the verge of heading to college and the thought of them not being around every day causes you to feel like you are having a daily heart attack, you'll understand my position.

1.  Using the question inflection at the end of every sentence. Praise the baby Jesus, my child has never done this, and had she, I'd have beaten it out of her. Living in Northern California, and in particular, the Bay Area, I thought this fucktarded way of speaking was confined to my neck of the woods. Horrified, I've discovered that it exists all over the damn country. Teenagers everywhere asking questions that aren't actually fucking questions. I'm not sure why this is done. Could be a lack of confidence, could be a self esteem issue. More likely it's simply a lack of intelligence and so like sheep, once they've heard one asswipe teenager talk that way, they follow blindly. My response to this inflection is always the same, "Are you asking or telling?" Believe it or not, this throws a grand majority of them for a loop. Our future appears to be more grim than initially thought.

2.  Eye rolling and huffing.  Nothing says disrespect quite like when your child rolls her eyes all the way in the back of her head and exhales loudly and forcefully after you've asked her to do something or given her what you thought was excellent advice or done something she finds embarrassing. I'm sure there are 100 other reasons they do it, but those jumped into my head with lightning speed. I like to refer to this behavior as a silent "fuck you" because, really, that's what it is. This probably has something to do with the belief that they are superior to us because we are old and ooze dumbfuckedness. Sometimes I wonder if I'll remember to breathe given how utterly stupid I have become in my advanced age. Someone should keep an eye on me, it's supposed to rain next week and I fear I may drown.

3.  SELFISHNESS. This is in all caps because it's one issue that sticks in my fucking craw. Personally, I've not raised my child to be selfish and inconsiderate. This doesn't prevent her from lapsing into teenage mode and behaving like I should drop everything because she needs some trivial nonsense. Of course, to her, it's not trivial at all...it's earth-shattering and time-sensitive. Most kids her age are exactly the same, having no regard for anyone but themselves and their needs...which are pressing, goddamn it, so step up and do something now! Believing that the world revolves around you is no longer a phenomenon reserved for toddlers, these days, teenagers have made it their own. This reminds me of one of my favorite Toby Keith songs I Wanna Talk About Me.  We spend a good portion of our lives as parents putting our children's needs ahead of our own, just once, I'd like to be prioritized. Is that too much to ask, or am I being...GASP...selfish???

4.  Delusions of grandeur. Teenagers are self-described geniuses on all possible topics. If there's something you feel you know anything about, stand corrected now...they know more, they know it better than you. Hell, they've probably invented it! You just don't understand, you aren't a kid now, things are different. Really, how? Do kids NOT do drugs today? Do they NOT have sex? Do they not have issues with school, bullies, teachers, friends, classes, body image? What the fuck am I missing? I'm pretty sure I graduated high school and lived the life of a typical teenager. Yet, if you ask my own kid and I'm sure others her age, I haven't the foggiest fucking clue what they are going through. Once again, I'm a window licking dipwad.  Forget about trying to talk to them about current events. Their opinions are the only right ones and your point of view is re-DONK-ulous. Own your stupid, accept your many flaws, and move forward.

5.  Feeling grown up and acting like a child. Why should I have to ask to go out, I have a car and a license so I can do what I want. Um, because you aren't an adult and live under my roof and answer to ME. Why do I need a curfew if you know where I am and I have a cell phone you can contact at any time? Perhaps because nothing good or safe happens after midnight. Why do I have to report to you my every move and destination? I am your mother and having created you inside my fucking body gives me the right to know everything you do. everywhere you go, and everyone with whom you spend time. So, if you truly are such a grown up, then you won't mind washing the dishes, doing the grocery shopping, getting the oil changed in that car you are allowed to drive, keeping your room looking like a room and not a crime scene, and paying your own phone bill, right? Why the fuck not? If you can't act like an adult ALL the time, then don't expect to be treated like one when it suits you.

Yet, all that being said and all of it being the gospel truth, I still love my teenage daughter to death. Despite all those incredibly annoying habits and behaviors, she is still my whole world and I happen to think she is pretty fucking awesome. And that's not because she's mine and therefore would HAVE to be amazing, she is amazing all of her own doing. She does things that I wouldn't and has her own perspective on life that causes me to pause and try to see things through her eyes. While she may have trouble making decisions and push all my buttons because she doesn't only know them, she's created at least half of them, she still has a big heart when it really matters...even if she prefers to hide it most of the time. I'm damn proud of this kid and it won't be the same, annoying crap and all, when she heads off to the next chapter in her life this fall. Are you friggin kidding me right now???