Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better...

I can do anything better than you...no, you can't...yes, I can. Bitch, please. Allow me to set the record straight, I AM the standard to which you should hold yourself. One moment, I have to change my drawers, I think I peed myself laughing. What's really funny, is that what I'm about to discuss with you is not the ability to do things better. The thing that struck me today, was that there are people who actually compete with your angst. While it is completely beyond my realm of thinking, the desire to have worse problems than someone else, there are those who like to believe that their lot in life is far more grim. One could only assume that they thrive on the pity of others, which is one of the most pathetic personality traits I can imagine. Keeping up with the Joneses is unpalatable enough, but at least it's a competition for greatness...not for distance down the fucking toilet.

The competition seems to fall under certain categories, and should there be more, bring them to my attention so I can rail the fuck out of those people, too.

1. Ailments and illnesses. We've all got 'em, ass clown. But, according to the competitive friend, theirs are far worse. If you have a headache, they have a debilitating migraine. If you have a migraine, they've had one for a week, complete with light and sound sensitivity and projectile vomiting. You have a stomachache? Ha! They've been doubled over, shitting themselves blind for days now...it's shocking they are standing there talking to you instead of riding the porcelain train. Don't even bother to mention your cold, flu, or sinus infection. Oh Lordy, they had that last week, and it's still going strong today. They've already been to Urgent Care and the ER twice, been hooked up to IV antibiotics and still feel like shit. Next time they ask you how you feel, just say, "Fine, thanks." Save yourself the hassle of whine with no cheese.

2.  Kids, school, and homework. Anyone with school-age kids knows the plight of the mom...the schedules, the activities, the fighting, the ridiculous amounts of homework and parent-assistance-required projects. We've all been there, battled through it, and survived. Some of us are further along in the process. Mine is a senior in high school, so I've been down the road and back a few dozen times. She danced, was on a gymnastics team, had friends, homework, projects, and the attitude of a young girl who could only be my child. So, when you tell me a story about your younger child's 4 hours of homework per night on top of his sports schedule, I can empathize with you and tell you that having been in your shoes, I know it will get better. Not Competitive Connie. She has to tell you that since her child is 4 years older than yours, her plight is far worse...and wait until your child is in middle school, high school, college, the fucking military. We get it. You've gone through it already. Your battle scars are quite evident, especially since you expose us to them every time we even mention children. If parenting was that hard, nobody would do it...be realistic, friggin wuss.

3.  Family and in-laws. Another thing we all have, yet somehow yours is so much worse. This is where I'd beg to differ without going into grotesque detail. That fact notwithstanding, most people have doozies in their family tree, whether by blood or by marriage. Skeletons, psychos, alcoholics, losers, assholes...there's at least one in each family tree, usually more. If I say that I'm irritated because my brother-in-law forgot yet another birthday, you don't need to one-up me by telling me about how yours hasn't remembered a birthday, Christmas, holiday, since you've met and he also cheats on his wife. While the scandal may be interesting on another day, right now, I've just told you something that is bothering ME. That means the conversation not only isn't about you, but you aren't required to beat me at my own life. Like I said before, you couldn't anyway, but that isn't the point. Commiserating is fun when you have idiots that are similar, but there's no need to out-asshole someone.

4.  Periods/Cramps/Flow.  This one makes me laugh. I am fully aware that there are other women in my perimenopausal boat, with a period more like a violent crime scene than a skip through a field of flowers, wearing white like the tampon commercials would have you believe. But, in all honesty, from what I've heard others tell me, they don't even come close to what I go through once or twice a month. "Oooh, I use SUPER tampons and I feel like I change it every hour." Um, ok. I wear ULTRA with a gigantic pee pee pad and sometimes have to change every 20 minutes. Ultra tampons are like paper towel rolls with a rope attached for easy removal. You don't know heavy flow till you've soaked through one of those 3 times in an hour. But, I listen and empathize because, well, what can I do? Rip one out and splash them with it for emphasis? Perhaps it's impatience on my part, but I really don't want to hear about your rough period unless it was accompanied by gut-wrenching cramps and vomiting. I am not without sympathy, but I hate being one-upped in this arena because, fuck it, I'm the goddamn Queen.

Saturday Night Live's Kristen Wiig, does a character named, Penelope, who is in constant competition with anyone that speaks to her. This Penelope Compilation  sums her up quite well. At least she wants to one up people to beat them at their accomplishments, not their failures, flaws, and fuck-ups. Folks who do that rub my ass so far in the wrong direction. It's about time we speak up and tell them that life is not a giant game with one winner and millions of losers. We are allowed to own our own misery and speak about it without fear that the person to whom we speak will not only NOT comfort us, but they will challenge us to a sadness duel. He who cries the biggest bucket of tears wins. Fucktard. Nobody needs that kind of friend. Are you friggin kidding me right now???