1. Laziness and slovenliness. The workplace is not your fucking house. You may not leave your area looking like a frat house after a kegger. I do not want to have to wade through piles of your shit to find my shit because you filtered it in instead of returning it. No one wants to see your personal crap strewn across every available space and common area. Yours is a home I'd fear entering. While I am at it, clean up after you eat, drink, or use the crapper. Crumbs, drink splatters, and paper towels and other bathroom items left behind for others to clean is not only disgusting but it's plain lazy. We are forced to share the space, I get it. What I am not forced to do is be your slave and follow behind you picking up your trail. Speaking of laziness, when I am running around with an armload of shit, and you are sitting on your ass, assume that at that moment I hate you. None of us want to see someone sitting there while we are all sweating bullets from actual exertion and work. Get the fuck up, put one foot in front of the other, and find out what you can do to help. Obviously you haven't enough to do or you wouldn't be sitting there. Allow me to make you a list of what needs to be done so you won't be quite so bored. Ass monkey!
2. Passing off duties. Your job is NOT my job. Yes, I am a team player and have no issue pitching in wherever I am needed. However, when I know you are fully capable of completing a task because, well, you have the time and ability, and you are just choosing not to because it offends your sensibilities and you pass it off to me or one of our other co-workers...assume I hate you. When you claim that something is "not your job" or that you weren't hired to do X, Y, or Z...it's all I can do to stop myself from making a mad dash to find a box of matches and a can of gasoline to end your misery...and mine. Not every aspect of your job is going to be detailed in your contract. Many things are implied by virtue of where you work. For example, if you work with children, it may not state specifically that you are required to administer First Aid or simply apply a Band Aid within the course of your day. But for Christ's sake, even if you only have half of a functioning brain, you can infer from the nature of your job that you will HAVE to do this at some point. Nobody should consider themselves above the most menial task. A company can't run smoothly without everyone stepping in and stepping up. Step the fuck up already!
3. Constantly correcting. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. BUT, most of the time, the person doing the correcting or undermining is the one who is wrong. People who feel the need to constantly interject and "fix" what someone else has said are usually the most insecure motherfucks you'll ever have the displeasure of meeting. When I screw up, I am usually the first to notice it...and the first to laugh my ass off about it. It's called having a sense of humor. May I suggest you get one? Now, having said that, I don't want you to infer that I want you to mock me in any way. Engaging me in a battle of wits is one of the most fucktarded things you will ever do in your lifetime and you are far better off avoiding it at all costs. Don't come to a gun battle with a pocket knife. Teasing is one thing, and anyone who is my friend knows that I love to tease and be teased. It's harmless fun at all of our expenses and nobody gets hurt. What the correcter is doing is not teasing, it's meant to humiliate. Maybe they feel competitive and want to cut you down so they look brainy. Maybe they think you are better at your job and so, they want you to look as though you've fucked up and they came to your rescue. Maybe, just maybe, they are incompetent boobs who lack basic intelligence and are so fucking jealous that the only way they can attempt to appear smart is when they try to correct someone else. Yeah, that sounds about right.
4. Abundant days off. Oh don't look at me like that. You hate this shit just as much as I do, possibly more. We are all entitled to take time off for illness, family obligations, school trips with our kids, and the occasional vacation. I don't take off that frequently, but that doesn't mean I am unaware of the fact that I could should I need the time. But, and here's where it goes horribly wrong, some folks think they are allowed to take off every five goddamn minutes for yet another trip, vacation, whatthefuckever. Guess what? When you take all that time off and are having the time of your life, you are leaving the rest of us behind to pick up your slack. Once in a while it's fine. We all need R & R in our busy lives. However, when your coworkers start counting how many days you take off per month and have a running tally of the year, they aren't doing it because it's fun. They are doing it because the number is so fucking large it takes a group of them to do the math. It's called a job, not a hobby, for a reason. Show a little adult responsibility and earn that fucking paycheck.
5. Talking smack. We all do it. Don't get all righteous with me, you know you do. Know your listener. If you have a gripe, and face it, it happens from time to time, select your victim wisely. Don't talk to one of the boss' best friends when you are mad at him. If you do, think of it as a group text. The one friend will tell the boss who will then tell the other friend. Nice work, now three people think you are a douchebag. Avoid the town crier if at all possible. If you don't know who that is, you are possibly one of the stupidest people on the planet and should probably not even be employed. Learn the lay of the land, there is always one person who can't keep their face hole closed once they have information and enjoys telling a tale or two. Sometimes it's wise to bitch to a non-work friend instead. It's definitely safer and doesn't have the potential to cost you your job. What I find the most interesting, is that much of the time, the person talking smack is the same person that everyone else talks smack about because they are the office asshole. Their story has the potential of going the furthest...likely to the entire staff before day's end, complete with editorializing. Like Ma always said, "Watch your mouth!"
Every workplace has at least one offender. Some actually offend in all five areas. But no work environment is safe, into each one an asshole must enter. Think of them as entertainment instead of the pain in the fucking ass that they actually are and your day will be so much easier to bear. Hell, gossip about them...no one likes them anyway so there's no fear of it going further than, well, all of you EXCEPT them. It's a win-win, really. These shit-for-brains provide hours of laughter if you know how to accept them for who they are and rail the fuck out of them behind their backs. You know you do anyway. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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