1. Personal To-Do Lists. Office Depot and Staples have a lovely array of notepads, notebooks, and sticky note pads for your list-making pleasure. Hell, since most of us have smartphones, we can even jot our lists directly on our phone and have alarms go off at the time things need to be done. The choices available to you are endless. I'm sure you are aware of them so why, oh why do you insist on flooding the feed with nonsense like, "Today is going to be a busy one. First, I have to drop the kids off at school. Then, it gets craaaazy. I have to go grocery shopping, pick up the dry cleaning, order a cake for little Butthead's birthday, pay bills, do laundry, vacuum, get gas and an oil change...I'm tired just thinking about it!" I can simplify that status for you..."I am a stay-at-home mom doing my fucking job today." Wasn't that easy? Took less time to type, too, which leaves you more time to go about the many tasks of your very busy day, doesn't it? Take note of that, ass clown.
2. Illness TMI. You know exactly what I am talking about. Unless you can be humorous about it, do not regale us with the gory details of your mucous, projectile vomiting...both color and texture, how many times you filled the bowl with liquid shit, and your various aches and pains including their specific location. Personally, I don't care if you are leaking copious amounts of bright green snot, blowing a flood out of your ass, or barfing up an entire kidney. And, I'm not being presumptuous by saying the rest of Social Media Land would prefer if you kept that information to yourself. It's one thing to bitch and moan about your sickness du jour, it's quite another to paint a fucking picture of it, too. Leave the details out...if you were really THAT sick, you wouldn't be wide awake and posting about it.
3. Complaint center/Therapist. I realize these are two separate and distinct areas but I feel that they blend into each other. Using your status message or Twitter account to bemoan the state of the world, cry a river over current events (which likely have occurred seven states away from you and include no friends or family of yours), express disgust about your husband's friend choices, or yet another ditty about parenting a teenager is incredibly annoying to those of us reading it. If you haven't a upbeat thing to say, and you find yourself constantly posting about all that is wrong with life, seek therapy. And by therapy, I do not mean filling the feed with sob stories about how your life blows chunks, that people don't understand you, that your boss is a douchebag, and your social life is at an all-time low point. My job as a social media participant is to read, look at photos, "like" or "favorite" a few things, and catch up with friends. What it isn't, what I do not intend to do, is become your online psychotherapist. Pity parties and pick me ups are not available, don't ask.
4. Political gripes. We all are affected by the current administration and the decisions that are made on our behalf. Gun laws, GMOs, health care reform or lack thereof, politicians trying to rule the inside of our uteruses, and the fight for same-sex marriage. But for the love of all things holy, do you have to post every fucking article you see? Every semi-notable person's opinion on the topic? What makes you think that everyone else has an interest in your particular platform? Furthermore, perhaps you have the luxury of excess free time to read 1,000's of articles about various and assorted political bullshit arenas, but guess what? The rest of us work for a living. We have families to care for and homes to run. Unless you are running for office, save the grandstanding for when you're drunk.
5. Selfies. Ladies, you know I am speaking to you directly. Men are generally not guilty of this crime. By men I mean over the age of 35. Those under that age, regardless of sex, are equally represented in the selfie department. Ladies over 35, let me be frank. None of you look good enough to take photos of yourself that close up. If we are being honest, even if you held your arm out REALLY far and got the whole body in, you still don't make the cut. No amount of posing, preparation and planning, jutting your tits out and arching your back like your wares are for sale to the highest bidder, or lacquered on makeup will change the fact that you are now middle-aged and should have more respect for yourself and my eyeballs. We can all see your wrinkles as clear as day, the grays popping out at your roots, and you know something else? We all know that when you take off your bra at night, your boobs just miss slapping you in the kneecaps. Let's behave like the adults we are and stop the selfie madness. Take a photo with your friends, your partner, your cat...and let someone else hold the fucking camera. Photos are memories not an homage to you. Get over yourself, shitheel.
6. Telling your partner that you love him/her. This one we have gone over ad nauseum. How many different ways can I express this so that you'll understand? Unless you are having a long distance relationship, and even then there is the amazing invention called the telephone, there is no logical reason you NEED to tell your partner how much you adore them, their eyes, their smile, their ass in "that" pair of jeans, or that you la-la-la-love the fuck out of them ONLINE for God and everyone to see. If you live in the same state, there is no excuse for not telling them in person. If you live in the same house, and you aren't telling them in person, your relationship has a whole host of problems. Open your cakehole and say, "I love you," to their face. Sappy declarations of love and lust are the realm of the teenager. Grown-ass adults know that some things are meant for private moments when the focus is just on each other...not how many "likes" your post gets on Facebook. Because, really, isn't that why you do it? If it was meant just for the object of your desire, you'd say it TO them, and them alone. You aren't smart enough to fool the rest of us...we know it's directed at the masses. Now that you know that WE know why you do it, it's time to stop. Unless you enjoy humiliating the fuck out of yourself...
Let's bring social media back to the fun, adult Disney Land it used to be and stop making the same mistakes over and over. We all have shit to do, a sick day, a beef about something, political opinions, and someone we love. Since our focus is on our OWN shit, don't flood us with YOUR shit. Nobody cares and frankly, you are making a fool of yourself as well as alienating yourself from whatever friends you may have left. Someone like you couldn't possibly have that many, can you afford to lose any? Please end the assault on my vision. As I get older, I require my glasses more often than not, although my vanity prevents me from wearing them every time I require. Don't force me to have to wear them all the goddamn time because you have some sick need to post photos that burn my retinas beyond repair! Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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