1. Blissful unawareness of household chores: God forbid you actually hauled the vacuum out and passed it over the carpet once in a while, yet you expect clean underwear in your dresser drawer to be readily available. Not all the chores are meant to be done by one person while the other reaps the rewards, unless you have a cleaning person. Then I'd have to launch into my rant about your lazy ass and sense of entitlement. Since that isn't the case, let's talk about why the fuck you can't take a rag and wipe a dirty surface, notice crumbs on the counter, remove the three inch layer of dust forming on every surface in the living room, or pick up something that fell on the floor rather than stepping OVER it. I can't imagine you enjoy living in a shithole, relishing the filth and squalor. I'd like to believe you like a little cleanliness, as well. The belief that housework is a woman's job went out with the horse and carriage. If we work outside of the home, then we are just as entitled to come home and pop open a beer and sit on the couch. However, nothing would get done and we'd have to stay up late doing laundry and scrubbing toilets. This is complete bullshit. Lend a helping hand once in fucking blue.
2. Light switch Nazi-ism: I know I don't live with the only one. How many of you have been in a room doing something that required light only to have your male counterpart stride by and flip the fucking light switch off? I'm starting to think that men could live in total darkness. Personally, I'd be happy with candle light but then I wouldn't be allowed to leave the room with a candle lit, God forbid, I may burn the house down with a Bath and Body Works gigantic glass-enclosed candle flickering on the coffee table. But the light switch thing makes me nuts...if it's not being flicked off, I'm being told to turn it off before I've even contemplated leaving the room...because I'm "sucking the money right out of his wallet." Light was invented so we don't have to bump into shit and can actually see the task in front of us. I'm not slicing a finger off in the kitchen to save a dime.
3. Not listening/easily distracted: Perimenopause gives you a foggy mind and often I notice myself needing things repeated, so I do understand...to a point. But to feel as though you have to repeat everything because the first time was just a rehearsal can be frustrating as fuck. Not that everything I have to say is life-changing, but if I am opening my mouth to tell you something, pay attention from the first word, don't check in during the final three and be totally unaware of the conversation topic. What if your partner ignored you when you were trying to tell her you were ill and required an aspirin? Or if she didn't listen when you asked for the remote??? Speaking of the remote, when you are watching TV and we ask a question, pull your head out of your ass and listen. It's just a show and with DVR and all the technological bullshit all our TVs come equipped with these days, you can afford to avert your gaze from the tube and make eye contact and have a conversation.
4. Channel surfing: To continue my last thought about your love affair with the TV, explain to me why men are programmed to flip through the channels at speeds where any normal person wouldn't be able to discern which show was actually on. You aren't really watching anything if you can't keep one channel on for longer than five minutes. Of course, this doesn't even scratch the surface of why it's frustrating. If we are watching TV with you, chances are we are invested in the first show that was on and want to continue viewing that. Not that we can't multi-task, we are born to focus on multiple things at once and do so successfully. The thing is, we don't want to have to do it when we are relaxing. That's the point of it, to unwind and let go of the other 40,000 things running through our busy minds. Seeing the TV screen jump from show to show is the furthest from relaxing and a total piss-off if the first show is one of "our shows" and we actually sat down to watch. Put the fucking remote down.
5. Bodily functions and eruptions: Why oh why do men find farting so funny? At some point during their upbringing they learned that if they fart, other boys will laugh and therefore like them. So, as adults, they still sport fart, competing with others for sound quality, loudness, and aroma. Seriously?!?! Guys, this is NOT attractive in the least, let me assure you. Certain activities are meant for the bathroom, that being at the forefront. While I'm at it, let me address nose picking. Men, do you really believe that if you are in your car we can't see you? It's a vehicle, not an invisibility cloak. When I am stopped at a red light and the dude next to me is digging for gold, I make sure he knows that I know. If you want to gross me out, I'll embarrass your ass without blinking an eye. What is amazing, is some men aren't embarrassed. I know we all have snot, and those of us with allergies know that fact even better. Tissues were invented for your excess boogers, not your fingers. Pick in private, blow in public. Sage advice.
While I'm certain many of you can chime in with more annoying habits, these are the ones that I find to be the worst. I'm not asking for much when I request that you take these five into consideration when dealing with a female you want to keep in your life. We are all human and can be incredibly irritating, I know I can. But, guys, try to be less testosterone-y and more person-y once in a while. Who knows, you may even get a little more something-something out of your efforts. I promise you won't lose your membership in the "manly men's club" if you do. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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