Friday, October 20, 2017

My Favorite Bitch





Are you as tired as I am of the Facebook tribute posts? My husband is the bestest in the world because he loves me and my children; takes out the garbage; holds me when I cry; changes diapers; listens to me whine. My son is amazing because he gets up in the morning; brushes his teeth; eats his breakfast without flinging it across the table at me; and does his homework. And on and on. But my favorites of all time are the gushy birthday posts made by women for women. Waxing psychotically poetic, paragraph after paragraph of poorly written English with grammar that would make a sixth grader laugh, these posts have become almost like a contest to see who can outdo whom on social media. Taking these tributes at face value, if you didn't know the person, you'd really think they were the fucking bees knees! I've read some that almost had me believing the woman was not only the most beautiful woman on the planet, but had also been a rock of support for everyone who walked past her in the last 40 years, and had cured cancer. Then I remembered that I knew her and started to laugh my ass off...and speedily screenshot it to share with the rest of the snarky bitches I happen to call my friends. Why do we do this? Should we be supportive of each other? Yes! Should we raise each other up rather than cutting each other down? Derpy der. Do we have to engage in an all-out Woman Crush Write-a-thon to do so? Hell fucking no! 

That being said, allow me to engage in a little bit of female admiration in honor of my sista's birthday...

Nineteen years ago, I met a woman who would turn out to not only be my daughter's preschool teacher, the woman who taught her to read, but also someone I'd call family. GAG! This is as far as I get in the sea of vomitous verbosity. Now, let's talk about life with this woman...in bullet points to prevent me from accidentally falling into a puddle of mush and gush.

-the woman who will tear someone else to shreds with me just because I feel slighted
-the woman I've done the same for and still do
-the broad who lets me cry and then tells me to shake it the fuck off and man  up
-the chick who will yo-yo diet with me, trying every plan under the sun, and listen to me when I tsk tsk her beverage choices
-the comic who has intentionally made me laugh so hard at work, I've had to run out of the room for fear of crying down my cheeks and down my legs...just by singing one damn song
-the female with whom I can commiserate about the most disgusting of womanly issues in grotesque detail and not fear judgement
-the person I can be completely psychotic with and then discuss politics with, seamlessly and without interruption
-the young-at-heart girl with whom I can go to the mall with and try on men's underwear over my capris  
-the music stylist that will break into song with me at the drop of a hat and in more than one language
-the dancer who will bust a move on a day I may not be my usually perky self and knock me out of my cranky pants
-the psychologist who will help me dissect my issue du jour and then turn around and hand me the notepad so I can dissect one of hers
-the mom, who when I tell her someone was an asshole to my kid, doesn't hesitate a second before asking if she needs to cut a bitch
-the human to whom I trust my darkest secrets and never fear they'll come back to haunt me
-the only child this only child calls her sister

Before I fall victim of a sickly sweet compliment flood, I will stop here and say HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY, MA SISTA!!! 

Would I ever post a flowery tribute filled with hearts and balloons and all kinds of gross, complimentary bullshit? Are you freaking kidding me right now???





Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Say More, Apologize Less...It's OK to Be a Bitch


Little sisters all over the world, listen up! Stop cushioning your words with apologies, explanations, and justifications...now. I can think of no reason on God's green earth for you to have to continue to say, "just kidding" every fucking time you sling a well-placed barb at someone. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, whether it be positive or negative. Yet, here we are in 2017, and girls and women are still perceived to be bitchy and irrational when they express themselves in a way that is something other than demure and agreeable to men. Fuck that noise! We are intelligent, educated, rational, logical, and free-thinking human beings and deserve to be heard and respected.

How often do we hear ourselves saying, "I'm sorry" throughout the day? Fucking apologizing for being alive. So many instances of assuming we won't be met with a favorable response all day, every day. We have been conditioned to think our words don't matter and that if we do say something funny or off-color, it will likely be met with anger and rejection. Are you out of your fucking mind? Some of the funniest people I know and respect are women. No woman should feel that they can't be sarcastic or use observational humor simply because men may not like it. Fuck them. Sarcasm is the verbal tool of the clever and smart. No one should be excluded from this club. I've compiled a list of phrases we should eradicate from our conversations forever.

"I'm sorry to bother you."  Why must you assume that your presence is a bother? Do men walk into a room and apologize for being there? How often do you hear that happening? Women believe that their mere existence causes people distress and have been taught from a young age to ask for forgiveness each time they require attention. I call bullshit. As children, we thrive from receiving attention from our parents as well as other family members and caregivers. Humans need attention and shouldn't be afraid to ask for it. Somewhere along the way, girls are given the message that they no longer need attention and asking for it is rude and annoying. Um, since when? You have something I need, I am going to ask you for it. I won't demand it, that's fucking rude. But I will ask you directly with no bowing and scraping involved. We are all human beings and therefore, all equals.

"I hope I'm not being a pain."  Again, I implore you to explain to me how existing on this planet and opening your mouth is somehow painful to others. What are you saying or doing that is so awful that you need to hope it isn't an annoyance to another person? I know that for me, if someone walks into a room looking for me, they must want to speak to me, and that is nothing I can't handle. Maybe, just maybe, other people are such fucking sensitive snowflakes that the possibility of having to deal with another human is somewhat painful. That is another topic. The point here is that you are not a pain. You are you. Say what you need to say without constantly filtering it through some sort of good-smelling, pretty sounding whitewash.

"This is probably stupid, but..."  Let me stop you right there. Don't ever say that in my presence. Never assume your words are anything but wise and intelligent. Prejudging yourself before you've had the opportunity to give your message is demeaning at best. Engaging in negative self-talk out loud to another person is simply wrong. You are basically telling the other person that what you are about to say is dumb and worthless...giving them the message that you are wasting their time. Let's stop acting like we have nothing of value to say and that our ideas don't matter. You came up with the fucking idea...let it rip! Living in fear of the opinions of others is a colossal waste of time and energy. The only opinion of you that matters is your own.



"Sorry, just kidding."  No, you aren't kidding. Why say it if it isn't true? I can tell you why you do it. Fear. Fear of being rejected. Fear of not being liked. Fear of not being seen as sweet and kind. Fear of being thought of as bitchy or mean. If you feel like throwing a bit of sarcasm someone's way, you don't need to jump in front of it to protect the "victim" from being hit. The person to whom you are speaking usually is quite clear as to whether or not you are kidding around. There's no need to cushion the blow...takes all the fun out of it. Envision a bunch of guys hanging around, hurling well-placed insults at each other. They are all laughing and giving as good as they are getting. Fist bumping and high-fiving the fuck out of each other. Same situation, make the group female. Awkward giggles and "just kidding" and "sorrreee" flowing like water down a hill. Seriously? Own your sarcasm like a fucking boss!!! Pound your chest and take credit for the verbal barb.

"I was just wondering...did that make sense?" Um, what the actual fuck? Did you just speak in another language peppered with gibberish? Asking that implies you have said something that is pure nonsense and should immediately be discounted. What's worse is when you ask if something you said makes sense, you are telling the listener that your speech is unclear, convoluted, and moronic. That is not the message we are trying to send about women in 2017!!! Christ on a crunchy cracker, you can't possibly believe that your words mean nothing and are hard to understand because you don't have the ability to express yourself intelligently. Yet another way we downplay what we have to say and suck the importance right out of our own words. Speak with authority and confidence, even if you aren't totally convinced you are right. Men use that trick all the time and have you ever noticed that their ideas are more well-received in meetings and in the workplace? It's no fucking coincidence. Presentation is crucial and don't for one second think that the manner in which you address someone has no effect on how they receive what you've said.

"Did I do this right?"  Do you really want to know or are you seeking approval? Ask yourself that before those words leave your lips. Should you have embarked upon a new journey and have absolutely no idea how what you've done will turn out, then feel free to ask for some sort of validation. Learning should continue to happen over the course of your entire lifetime. However, and this is a big fucking however, if you know goddamn well that not only do you know how to do that particular task, but you also know you rock it, don't you dare ask if you've done it right. Pretending to be stupid or helpless is as unattractive as hell and only for the weak. You are NOT weak and you certainly aren't stupid. Why act like you are? Radiate confidence and let the world know that you are smart and capable. Gone are the days of attracting a man by pretending to be as useless as tits on a bull. The man who finds that appealing is likely to be an asshole and you are way out of his league.

"Is that bad?"  If you have to ask, don't say it. I am not implying that you should never say things that could be construed as offensive. Quite the opposite. But if you are truly concerned with the way the world perceives you every time you open your facehole, stay quiet. To the rest of you, I implore you to say what you feel, regardless of what you imagine others will think. Why the fuck are you even asking? Why do you actually care? Most things that you say are not life changing in the slightest, never worry that you are affecting the course of the universe when you speak. Freedom of expression exists in this country and I wholeheartedly encourage you to take advantage of it. Nothing feels better than getting shit off your chest, saying what you actually mean, and being honest. Don't ever hesitate to speak your fucking mind.

Here's the problem with sucking it up and hiding your true feelings - you lose respect of everyone around you. Why? Because they think they can say and do whatever they want to you and you won't utter a fucking sound. The perception will be that you don't have an opinion, so no one will ever ask for it. When you do have one, no one will listen. If you are portraying yourself as weak and unsure, that is how you'll be seen. Starting from a very young age, girls are told to speak quietly and lower their voices while boys are boisterous and no one bats an eye, except to say, "boys will be boys" which is a dangerous thing to say. We are told to ask permission; to request not demand; to not be intrusive or argumentative. Fast forward to adulthood, when these things have now been hammered into our very being and we behave this way in the workplace. Is it any wonder we still make less than men for the same jobs? We don't speak the fuck up!!! We've been told not to...we've been told to be sweet and kind and soft. Fuck that shit! It is time we broke that pattern and shoved it up the ass of whoever prescribed it to us. The time has come to be strong and opinionated; to be forceful and demanding; to say what we really think, not what we believe others want to hear. If you want to succeed, truly succeed in life, in your career...speak the fuck up! Do you think most* men are worried about how others perceive them in the workplace? Are you friggin kidding me right now?

*I'm not implying that all men are brash and bold in the workplace, nor am I saying that none of them care what others think. This is a generalization to make an important point.








Monday, August 28, 2017

People Who Need to Stay the Fuck Off Social Media

Has it really been a year since I have addressed you all? Sweet and muscular Jesus, for that I apologize wholeheartedly. Writing has taken me all over the map and sadly, I had neither the time nor energy to give you a dose of what you crave...my fucking opinion! Noticing that my last post was Facebook Faux Pas and it was seriously lacking a shitton of online annoyances, I decided to finish my damn thought and continue along that path today. Why, you may ask? Because far too many people are missing the point of social media and what it is used for...missing the point and driving me out of my goddamn skin! So, let's get cracking and call these fucktards out.

1. Passive-aggressive vague posters. Need I say more? Oh hell, when have I not expanded on my own rant? Am I the only one who reacts to these posts violently? When you share a status that only you understand, you've done it with the sole purpose of getting the rest of us to ask what you mean. Dragging the supposed issue out of you like pulling a tooth from a lion, your friends ask if you are okay, what's wrong, and do they need to cut a bitch? The equivalent of searching for a virtual hug, this post drives me batshit crazy! If you are pissed off at someone, tell them. Life is frustrating and you want someone to commiserate with you? Make the frustrating issue your actual post! Sometimes you want to complain about a family member or friend that is on Facebook, too, and you are afraid they will read it and know it's about them, so you dance around the problem and drop a detail or two, playing coy as fuck. Again I say to you, talk to that person directly or never speak to them for the rest of your life. Either way, you haven't yanked us all into your angry little mystery theatre production. Don't expect me to play twenty questions with you, because I truly don't give a rat's asshole. This is not rocket science, people. Passive-aggressiveness sucks in person, but we don't need it clogging up our news feeds on a site that is meant to be FUN and a means of actual communication. 

2. Sharing/Re-sharing old news, fake or not. This one rubs me the wrong way for two separate reasons. The first is pretty simple. Check the date on a news story before you excitedly post it as fresh information. Stop telling me that Bob Hope died!!! Maybe you rarely read the news and aren't up to date on celebrity deaths, disease outbreaks, or the latest fashion fads...and that in and of itself is fine. Maybe you truly had no idea the cronut was a thing. I am not judging your lack of access to a newspaper or the internet. What I am picking apart is your inability to read the fucking date!!! If it happened in 2003, chances are, we've all seen it or heard about it, dipshit. Further into this atrocity of the internet are people who don't fucking fact check! Please be sure you are 100% positive someone is dead before you post the crying emoji and the status claiming one of my favorite stars is now taking a dirt nap. Use your brain as something other than a cranium filler. If something sounds like bullshit or is on a website that seems a tad sketchy like www.conservativeassholeswritethisshit.com, it probably is a crock of shit and doesn't need to be shared with the rest of the independently thinking, brain using, educated world. Believe what you want but don't subject the rest of us who read above a third grade level to utter nonsense!



3. The online tyrant/bully/passionate poster. There's a special place in hell for these assholes. While I realize I've named three entirely different types of people, they fall into the same category for me. Jackasses with no place on social media whatsoever. Working my way backward, let's begin with the passionate poster. You know at least one person like this. Shoving their stance or opinions on this, that, and the other thing down our throats in status tirades. We all have opinions and the Constitution allows us the wonderful right to freedom of speech, and I get that. However, you are crossing a dangerous line when you not only shove that opinion down my throat, but you then demand that I subscribe to it. Oh hell no you didn't! Capable of independent thought since a very young age, I'll form my own fucking opinions and viewpoints, thank you very much. Moving on to the bully, my personal favorite, this individual uses other people's statuses as a forum to not only run their agenda, but to cut down anyone who doesn't happen to agree with them. Not just cut down, but attempt to beat up, using only words as their weapon. If you've ever been on the receiving end of their verbal assault, you know exactly what I mean. Many don't have the testicular fortitude to go head to head with this buffoon. What most don't realize is, usually, this douchebag is as dumb as a box of rocks and it really doesn't take much to outclass and outrank them. The problem you face when you attempt to fight back, is they cannot shut the fuck up. Loud wrongs, the lot of them, and they don't know when they've been beaten soundly, so they plod on, babbling like idiots. The tyrant is fairly similar, the only difference being they will post their own angry shit as bait to start a fight they'd desperately love to win. Following the same pattern as the bully, they try to shoot down your every argument with chimp logic. Unless you feel strongly about the topic, don't even bother engaging this asswipe.

4. The Online Ass Kisser. Oh come on, you know who you are! The first person on every post with a photo to comment, you insist on waxing poetic and acting like they are not only the most attractive you've ever laid eyes on, but also the smartest, kindest, and most amazing human being on planet Earth. Um, really? It may ring true if you only said it to one person, but you lick the balls of everyone on Facebook!!! Starts to take some of the power out of your words when they are repeated on three other posts. Not just that, but why are all of your kind words for people you never see in person, barely know, or don't really give a shit about? Don't think the rest of us don't notice you never comment on real friends' and your family's posts. Who the fuck are you impressing? What do you gain from sucking up? Facebook is not the direct path to heaven. As I have told people in the past, God does not have a Facebook account, he uses Snapchat. Beyond that, I've also told you all to be kind in person to the people you love, not all over social media to show off to people who don't fucking matter. This person is a special kind of stupid and not as kind as they'd like you to believe. If they were, they wouldn't have to play the part online so dramatically. Take their comments with a grain of salt, I'm sure they don't even mean them.

5. The Wannabe Writer Rant. We have all seen their posts and most of us with above average intelligence levels have cringed while reading them. Everyone likes to think they write well, and some of you do. These posts are not written by any of you. No, these out of control, angry, mean-spirited, ludicrous rants are always written by someone who can't form a coherent sentence. Most days, I am forced to laugh out loud at the stupidity that I am reading. Some days, I get pissed. Why? Because they have friends, dumber than they are, who hop on board and start applauding these morons, telling them how fucking right they are and how amazing what they've said is...and that they should consider writing a book because, holy hell, they'd fucking buy it! How fucking brain dead do you have to be to see one of those posts and actually think they are well written? If you completed at least eight years of school, you'd notice the lack of proper grammar, the spelling mistakes, the improper usage of the $25,000 words...and you'd join me in mocking them mercilessly. Not only are their posts filled with embarrassing mistakes, but they are often chock full of misdirected fury about shit they know nothing about. Someone please, introduce them to Google! There is another version of this cuntbucket, the semi-intelligent pretentious bitch. She often writes posts like she is working on her Facebook thesis and wants people to know she is educated and so not like you. The kicker is, she sounds like a fucking twatwaffle and by virtue of that, less than intelligent. Social media is not a forum for intellectual discourse, it is a fun place to connect and share. Can political discussions happen? Sure. Can important topics be explored? Absolutely. But let's keep it at a level even our slowest friends can follow, shall we? Stop the holier than thou shit and keep it real!!!

These are just five of the annoying cockknockers we have to deal with on social media, and I know there are countless more. Alas, I have run out of time and desire to contend with their brand of nonsense. Just know this, I see you and I am not afraid to call you out in front of God and your 238 Facebook friends, 97% of whom you barely know or actually speak to, but you'd never know it based on your online behavior. Keep it up, this bitch has the arsenal to cut you down to size before you even feel the first slice. Think you have the stones to go up against me? Are you friggin kidding me right now???