Facebook Faux Pas: The Latest Batch of Losers

Let me preface this rant by saying, I love Facebook, I honestly do. The ability to keep up with people who live across the country without having to pick up the the phone and actually talk to them is quite possibly its biggest draw for me. Don't judge me, you know you feel the same way. No one picks up a phone anymore. Talking is effort and texting is far easier and you don't have to commit to a chunk of time. Respond when you can. You know, because we are all SO busy. Seriously, I don't want to dedicate large portions of my day to chattering away on a phone. I get so little time without voices filling my poor ears, I crave the silence. More specifically, I miss hearing music without interruption. But I am getting totally off topic here. Facebook is a great way to reconnect, stay connected, keep up...social media. It is a tool meant to help us socialize since this generation is filled with socially inept asswads who can't carry on a conversation much less keep in contact with a fuck ton of people. I am one. Not that I cannot carry on a conversation, because Lord knows I can hold my own...keeping in contact with everyone that you know you should is my kryptonite. Trying to send emails, cards, texting on the appropriate occasions...these things drain me of my life force. Years ago I could keep up like a boss. Now? Not so much. My point is, Facebook was created for this purpose and to be a fun way of doing it.

Aside from this being an election year and watching Facebook become one gigantic political rant, bashing one or the other candidate and anyone who would dare to show support of either...I have noticed that it is being used for another, more pathetic purpose. External validation for the embarrassingly insecure middle aged fucktards of the world. The overwhelming need to shove every perceived success in everyone's faces in the hopes that they will read a multitude of comments filled with accolades and kudos and hearts and emoticon kisses...and excuse me for a moment, I just threw up a little in my mouth. Is it just me or does anyone else find this disgusting and sad? Can your self esteem be that low? Are you that fragile? Don't tell me, I really don't want to know. Without further rambling by me, here are some of the losers I have been noticing as of late:

1. Middle-aged Selfie Queens: You know who you are and you know you do it for one simple reason. To hear..."You're so PRETTY!" over and over on your comment thread, peppered in between with a few "You look SO good!" and several "You always look sooo beautiful!" bullshit, obligatory comments. Shedding light on this bit of stupidity, let me let you in on a little secret. No one thinks you look pretty. They are simply telling you what you want to hear because you took about 15 shots before you chose this one; you've used Photoshop and every other photography enhancing app/software you have to smooth, perfect, and erase any signs of ugly and aging; and then posted it large and in charge for all of us to see and fawn over. All to shore up your pitiful ego...at our expense! We now have your gigantic, over-posed, airbrushed face on our feed challenging us to ignore it. I have no problem ignoring it because I know exactly what you are doing and I don't give a flying fuck. While I may not tell you how ugly you actually are, I will not lie to you and tell you that you look like a model and haven't aged in 20 years. No one is worth that kind of bullshit. If I go to hell, and likely I will, it won't be for telling you how "pretty" you are on Facebook.

2. The Humble Brag: Don't even try to deny it. We have all seen your posts. Giant bouquet of flowers on your desk from your boss on Secretary's Day, captioned with, "Isn't he the best boss EVER?" Um, I should care why? Maybe he is nice person to have acknowledged such an auspicious occasion, but it isn't worth clogging my feed. Tell me he sent you on a cruise to Jamaica and I may be impressed. One of my all-time faves is the "My hubby made dinner tonight and let me put my feet up while he baby-sat the kids." Let me stop you there, steaming brain death, he is a parent and by virtue of that is not babysitting anyone. He is parenting his children as he fucking should! That is his job! Making dinner shouldn't be an occasion, and we will explore that later, because everyone has to eat. If you don't cook, and Mr. Suave isn't taking you and the brood out, someone has to cook...and why not him? He has two hands. Or another doozy happens when your kid gets into the Catholic high school in your area after having attended Catholic elementary for eight years and you are so impressed, you post about it. You do realize that unless your child has no perceptible brain function, you've paid the appropriate dues to get him or her into most of the Catholic schools in your neighborhood. You can always find one that will take little Johnny if you insist upon thrusting him into another four years of religious immersion. Please don't ask me to applaud your parenting and skilled child-rearing abilities. Unless you did all your child's work FOR them for four years, and maybe you did, you don't get the credit.

3. The Proud Momma: Your kid is the smartest, most athletic, most talented, and quite possibly the most stunning creature God has ever created. We know. You tell us almost every day, complete with photographic proof and your ever-so-clever descriptions of their amazing successes. Somehow I find it almost impossible to believe that your little angel has never mouthed off, been spiteful, hit his sibling, failed a test, struck out, or generically fucked something up. I am sure you will tell me that only microscopic infractions occur at your house and they are so adorable, you can't help but laugh and hug the little bugger. I call bullshit. Those of you with your daily proud momma moments are in possession of the biggest brats known to this planet. This is your way of coping with your parental failures. Highlighting shit you think the rest of us will be impressed enough with that we won't look deeper into the rest of your kiddo's day to also find out that she got detention for writing, "Mr. Jones Sucks Monkey Dick" on the bathroom wall. Once in a great while, be honest with us. Post of pic of your kid with messy hair and tell us that he got that way from jumping on the furniture when you told him not to and he fell...and you kinda laughed at him. I'd be proud of you.

4. Daily Dinner Poster: Ermagherd!!! You made dinner tonight! You looked up a recipe on Google and you followed it to the letter and it was the best thing you and your loving family have ever eaten...ever. So, Miss Good Housekeeping, are you feeling like you are America's Top Chef now? Why yes, yes you are because you posted again today. Look at that Hamburger Helper, would you? And you did it all by yourself? Holy fuck! Wonder Woman has nothing on you, girlfriend. Feeding your family, one dinner at a time. Lucky us, we get to watch it all unfold pictorially on our News Feeds. Oh thank you for sharing your kitchen escapades with the rest of us poor schlubs who cook on the sly, not sharing it with anyone but the actual people eating it. Not to rain on your parade, but you are one of many, who unlike you, cook for their families every night without telling us about it. The unsung heroes of the oven. Take notes, dipshit.

These are just a few of the jackoffs I have been seeing all over Facebook lately and knew you may have been feeling the same way about them, so I put it into words for all of us. Is it so hard to keep it real? Have we forgotten how to have fun? Does anyone know how to people anymore? Based on what I am noticing online, the answers are yes, yes, and big, fat NO. This is social media people, not a fucking competition! Some of us want to relax and be ourselves around people we want to keep in touch with...without exerting too much effort. Is that so hard to understand? Save your bragging shit for the other phony bitches you hang out with and keep it off Facebook or you might see your friend list dwindle rapidly. I am not the only person frustrated enough to go on an unfriending spree. Think I am full of shit? Are you friggin kidding me right now???