Can't We All Just Get Along?

As if 2020 didn't suck enough, society has turned on itself. Everyone is mad at someone or some group, like we don't have enough to deal with right now. We are living out Revelations and all you can think about is who doesn't see things your way. From the dawn of time, people have been different. If they hadn't been, nothing new could have been invented. We'd still be the Flintstones, barefoot and wearing animal skins. Yet something about being in crisis mode has brought out the worst in our country. I am aware that stress is processed differently by each individual. Trust me, I have my own ridiculous coping mechanisms gone haywire that even my meds don't fix. But I can assure you that I am not taking it out on my neighbors. 

This year we have a lot at stake. It's an election year, in the middle of a pandemic, during battles over racial inequality, in the midst of riots and looting. Damn right we are all under a fuckton of stress! If you aren't, I'm worried about your ability to understand the severity of the situation we find ourselves in today. That being said, we are all doing the best we can under the circumstances. So why can't we all just get along? Why do the stupidest things matter during a time when we are all at risk for a deadly disease? You'd think that the Rona would be the great equalizer. The virus doesn't care if you are Irish or Congolese. It won't discriminate against you no matter who you vote for this November. Hell, it doesn't know your political party affiliation and it doesn't give a ripe fuck. 

Here comes something I never thought I'd say, but why can't we all be a little more like Covid-19? You don't have to tell me how ridiculous that sounds, I know. But let's look at it a little more closely. Does the virus only target Filipino Democrats who live in the Northeast? Is it actively seeking Black Republican CEOs? Does it even care if you call it a hoax and whisper to your friends that it's all a conspiracy to deflect our attention away from the election? My point, and I do have one, is that we are all guilty of finger-pointing and being Judgmental Judys about how everyone is doing everything. Not the Rona, it loves us all the same.

If we all just focused on our own selves and spent time making sure that we were doing the right thing, much of this shit would all fall into place properly. Tensions are high, our reactions are quick and not thought through. The second someone from another group does something inappropriate and reactionary, we immediately place everyone in that group in the persona non grata category and rage against them. Repeat after me, not all of the people in any given group are inherently bad. Not every person in any category is evil. Do some of them do horrific and unforgivable things? Absofuckinglutely! But some of y'all are taking guilt by association to a whole other level.

Let's summarize, shall we? Keep yourself and your family safe. Be mindful when you vote, reflect on your conscience instead of simply following party lines. Every single human on this planet is your brother or sister, treat them as such. No one is better than anybody else, not even you. We all want a vaccine and a cure for the Rona. Everyone wants to go back to work and I know the kids want to go back to school. There is strength in numbers, so let's work on being the UNITED States of America again. Lose the negativity and band together to make this world a better place for our children. They deserve nothing less.  Are you frigging kidding me right now???

Pandemic or Prison?

Unless you've been in a coma, the news of the Coronavirus pandemic isn't news at all. As a matter of fact, your eyes and ears have been assaulted with information, statistics, and death tolls. There's no escape from it! Commercials about touch-free service and mask wearing actors have become the new normal. Can we pause for a moment and talk about the words "new normal" and what that means to us? Personally, those words bring out my inner serial killer every damn time I hear them. Why? Because none of this is fucking normal!!! Not only that, but I will be goddamned if this is going to be my forever life. There's going to come a point in my and most others' lives where we are either going to become criminally insane or stop giving a shit altogether. 

Social isolation has been a punishment since the 19th century and is currently utilized in the prison system for those considered dangerous and who have committed grave offenses while imprisoned. Guess what, people?!?! We are being socially isolated right the fuck now. Yes, it's for our safety. I get that. But for how fucking long? Until we can't cope with routine social interaction when it's all over? Are we waiting until children, who already have way too much screen time, have become so desensitized to human contact that in-person school becomes impossible because it causes too much stress or anxiety???

If you are doubting my words, and you have children who are sitting in front of a screen all day because that's school now, take note of their behavior. Has it changed? More subdued? More manic? Is your once patient and considerate child now a demanding, entitled little shit? Or perhaps you are experiencing the opposite. Your normally outgoing and gregarious kiddo is now moody and sullen. You must be freaking out! Simmer down, ass clown. These are just some of the collateral damages caused by sheltering in place. 

We are stuck in this holding pattern until there's a vaccine and successful treatment protocol. Or so we are being told. We are also being told that businesses can start opening when we flatten the curve, drop the numbers, no new cases or deaths. Hmmm. So, is this within our power to fix? FUCK YES! Don't pretend you didn't know that. Oh, you knew from the very beginning what you were supposed to do. But you wanted to stretch the definitions and tweak the rules so they suited you better. Some of you brain dead 'Muricans decided you didn't like the rules from day one. How hard is it? 

Let's review what was asked of you. Wear a mask. This seems like child's play, yet some of you were offended! Unbelievably, you thought that a mask-wearing mandate violated your rights as an American. What the actual fuck? Much like the current licensing regulations for schools and vaccinations, it is for the greater good. Herd immunity. Keeping people who are at risk safe. This offends you how? Oh right, you can't breathe. Funny how surgeons can wear a mask during a 10 hour surgery, while sweating and wielding a scalpel. Every. Damn. Day. Have you ever heard them complain? Right. Or my favorite, it doesn't work. Tell me which graduate of Google Medical School told you this. I know you did your research. You sat up staring at your device, looking up sites that defended your stance on masks. Let me tell you a secret. Any opinion you have, and I can't stress the word opinion heavily enough, some other moron also has. Not only that, but one of the other morons has paid to submit their "findings" on some pay for play website. Just. For. You. Your information should come from the CDC. Period.

What about limiting your social gatherings and remaining only in your social bubbles? Couldn't do that either. Give an inch to an idiot and watch him run for miles like his ass is on fire. This tiny amount of freedom turned into a shitshow. All of a sudden, there were block parties and BBQs and herds of people on the beaches. Go ahead and try to tell me that all the people on your block are in your social bubble and that none of them visit anyone else. Lie to my face. It's the same as going out to Costco with your entire family to go shopping. Were we not told to try to assign one family member to do the shopping to cut down on exposure and crowds? Much like the mask mandates, this too was hard to process and even more challenging to do. Are you feeling guilty yet?

Unfortunately, the same people who refuse to wear a mask and continue to gather en masse, are the same buffoons who support the Idiot in Chief and his handling of the 'Rona crisis. The same man who knew about the virus long before it even hit US soil. The same twatwaffle who fired the pandemic team two years ago and has been defunding the CDC...this is who you turn to in a time of global crisis? This is the fucktard you trust to make decisions regarding your health and the health of your loved ones? You God-fearing, Bible thumping, inbred cousin fuckers had better get down on your dirty knees and pray that we don't have another 4 years of his bullshit. Another 4 years will mean that life as you know it right now...it will be the new normal. 

New normal my ass. It's no better than prison. Actually, prison seems like a more viable option for me. You can see more people. No being home and cooking three meals a day like a freaking servant. Regular exercise and fresh air. And my favorite, rules are enforced not suggested or ignored. You know where breaking them could take you? Straight to solitary fucking confinement! The exact place you are forcing the rest of us to be until you decide that following a few simple rules isn't too difficult for your limited brain capacity. I am ready to cut a bitch if this doesn't end soon. Think I won't? Are you frigging kidding me right now?

Ladies, Stop Shaming Each Other!

Am I alone in feeling like women judge each other more harshly than they judge anything or anyone else? How on earth can we turn on each other when human garbage like Kavanaugh has been confirmed and sworn in and the #metoo movement is growing? The government has zero respect for us and somehow we can only band together when we are fighting a common enemy. On any other day, on any other occasion, we cut other women to shreds based on nothing but appearance! How is this acceptable? The motivation for this must be an abundance of insecurity and self-hatred. There is no explanation aside from that...nothing else makes sense. We can't truly believe that the rest of the women are awful, ugly, fat, slutty, skinny, poorly dressed, or whatever offends your delicate sensibilities today. My own gender disgusts me and I have no way to rid myself of this nausea.

Conversations with other women always seem to devolve into a bashing session during which another woman/women are picked apart and put down. Hard as I try to avoid this type of interaction, somehow, some way it creeps up on me and I am powerless to escape. The best I can do is tap dance around the subject without giving a real opinion and hoping the person with whom I am speaking doesn't notice. Admittedly, there are times I don't hold my tongue and I give the opposite answer expected of me, shaking the other person to the point that they have nothing to say but to agree with me. How can you argue with positivity and logic? Even the most argumentative, angry, opinionated person has to take a step back to see your point of view when you present it with determined praise and understanding.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of criticizing other women. She's so fat, how can she wear that? Oh.My.God is she really wearing that? Is she trying to be some kind of prostitute? Doesn't she see that her stomach is bulging out? I mean, for Christ's sake, hello muffin top! Jesus H, her boobs are practically falling out of her top. She's totally looking for attention...fucking whore. Sound familiar? You can't tell me that reading that didn't make you cringe just a little bit. Like every mean girl you've ever met was speaking to you and about you. Horrifying isn't it? But in everyday conversation, these barbs fly by without a thought. We don't stop to think about who we may be hurting. Rather, we join in and add our own special brand of hate speech.

Is this the kind of world we want for our daughters? None of us want our little girls to be teased, mocked, or ostracized. So, why do we act this way? You can't imagine our children don't hear us. They listen when you think they don't. Our kids emulate the example we've set for them. Being critical of other females sets them up to do exactly the same fucking thing. How would you feel if someone called your daughter too fat to wear leggings? What would you say to a woman who you overheard telling her child that your little girl looked like a tramp? The mere thought makes my head spin and my heart pound out of my chest with rage. I'd rip that bitch a brand-new asshole. I am certain you would, as well.

My point is that we should all feel comfortable in our own skin. Our daughters should love every inch of themselves. Our bodies are fan-fucking-tastic! They are strong and capable. Our legs carry us around all day long, even if our thighs touch and rub together. Our arms lift heavy loads, give hugs to those we love, and hold the things we care about safely, even if they aren't perfectly toned. Our stomachs can be soft and rounded or tight and flat. Neither way is more right or better than the other. They are meant to hold food. Sometimes, they provide a place for a small child to rest his or her head and feel cozy and safe. And, by the way, everyone has rolls when they sit or bend over. Boobs are the first victims of gravity that our body experiences. If they are standing at attention and above a B cup, they are surgically enhanced. And, you know what? More power to you if you got a boob job. If it makes you feel good about yourself, I support you 1000%. Just the same as if you had lipo. a facelift, a nose job...as long as it makes you happy, it's a good thing.

Why should I worry about wearing yoga pants and a tee to go shopping? You don't like my thick thighs? Don't look. I love my legs. They are strong and beautiful. They've taken me on the most amazing walks all over NY, SF, LA, beaches, and small towns. My legs have supported me while pregnant with my daughter and after she was born while I carried her around, rocking her to sleep. Is my ass too big for you? I didn't know it was an integral part of your life. How exactly does it affect you? It is perfect for me. When I do get a chance to sit, it cradles me in comfort. It helps me squat at work and walk with poise and strength. Plus, it is sexy as fuck. Does the fact that I don't have a six pack offend you? Maybe it's because I drink really good wine and eat amazing food that has you jealous as fuck. You have one life to live and if you choose not to enjoy it, that isn't my fault. My boobs hang. This is the first time in my life I've had boobs big enough to be affected by gravity and goddamn it, I love it. I don't want to look prepubescent my whole life. I am 47 years old and have earned the right to sag in places that are heavy enough to sag. Does it make them less beautiful? Hell no! They are glorious!!!

Whether you have an hourglass figure like my daughter or a softly rounded body or a slim athletic shape...you are beautiful. All bodies are wonderful and deserve love and appreciation. To say that someone is unhealthy based upon what you see is ignorant and biased. How do you know what her blood pressure is? Maybe her heart is as strong as a marathon runner's. Perhaps her cholesterol is perfection. Her glucose levels could be something to envy. You don't fucking know so why are you judging her? Hell, I may not look like your version of healthy and fit but guess what? Bitch, I am on my feet all day long, work with children, and still have an active social life. My blood pressure is perfect, as is my cholesterol and glucose. I drink, indulge in wonderful food, and stay up later than I should. I also feel beautiful and sexy no matter whether I am in leggings and a tee or a pretty dress and heels. My worth isn't determined by your opinion of me.

Slut shaming sucks, pure and simple. There is so much wrong with judging another woman in that way. Let's start with a basic how the fuck do you know who she sleeps with if anyone? Simply by looking at what she is wearing, her hair, and her makeup you believe that you can determine her bedroom activities. Isn't it usually founded in jealousy because the woman you are putting down looks so damn fabulous? Think about the last time you mumbled the word whore or slut under your breath. Remember what she looked like. I'd be willing to bet the farm that she was hot as fuck. More than likely she had all the attributes you wish you had. She was taller/shorter, thinner/curvier, bigger breasted/smaller breasted, longer/shorter hair...anything you secretly or not so secretly covet. Looking a certain way does not make someone loose, cheap, or low class. How someone chooses to present themselves is up to them and how they feel that particular day.

On the flip side of that coin, even if the woman you are judging does have an active and varied sex life, that is her fucking business, not yours! Men and women are guilty of making this judgment call every freaking day. A dude sleeps with ten women in the past six months, his bros are high-fiving him and congratulating his masculinity and sexual prowess. A woman sleeps with ten men over the same six month period and her reputation is shot to shit. What a fucking tramp! How can she be such a slut? Her vaj is open for business, please line up to the right and take a number. Why is it any different? What makes female sexuality and exploration of it so terrible? Our bodies were designed to give and receive pleasure, we have every right to use them for that purpose how, when, and with whom we desire.

The next time you see another woman, smile at her and say hi. If you find something about her appealing, tell her right away. Anything at all will do. Hair or makeup, clothing or shoes, her eyes or her scent...you'll be so surprised at the reaction you will get. Not only that, you will have made a fellow woman feel good with no strings attached. No one knows what kind of day a stranger is having, your kind words may be the boost she needs to get through an otherwise miserable day. Maybe someone called her fat or ugly or whore today. Your words could melt away the shame and anger she feels. Put good out into the world and when you least expect it and most need it, the good returns to you.

As women, we should be lifting each other up, not tearing each other down. In 2018, in light of all the horrifying sexual assaults and abuses being exposed, we need to support all women. Men still see us as less than, as objects, as the weaker sex. How the fuck did this happen? Who let them believe this? This is precisely why we have to form an alliance of strong empowered women who raise each other up and recognize the greatness of our sisters. We are a force to be reckoned with...if we join together and wrap our arms around each other instead of knocking each other to the ground. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Muthafuckin DONE

Stop Bitching!

Something has been bugging me for the past few weeks and I need to share the misery. While this may seem a bit hypocritical to you at first, bear with me and just take a walk beside me for a moment. There seems to have been an upsurge of complaining on social media and in general and I cannot take another second of it. Suddenly, everyone has something in their lives that is simply unbearable and warrants oversharing with the entire fucking world. When life gets you down, who is the first person you run to tell? If the answer is Facebook, you've answered incorrectly. 

What I find to be worse than just taking to your laptop to express feelings of angst and despair, is the things causing you to feel that way. How exactly does the weather bring you such misery that you need to post almost daily about it? If you happen to live where it snows, you must know that inevitably it will occur and you will have to deal with it. Whining about a lack of school closings in your area only make you sound like a little bitch who melts in the rain. The same people who went to my school with me back in NY and lived through many a snowstorm, these are the whiners who need to publicly lament the fact that their little pampered wusses' school didn't call them the night before to close the schools in preparation for possible snowfall. Ummm, since when do you need to know the night before? The fucking weatherperson isn't even positive what will happen until the day of the actual precipitation. Did you forget how to drive in snow? Do your kids not know how to put on and take off their own boots? Have you completely blocked out your entire childhood???

Holy fucking shit it is cold out...or blazing hot...or humid...or whatever!!! Is this the worst of your problems for today? Cars come with heat and A/C, as do homes, stores, and schools. Don't even get me started on schools closing because of cold weather, I may go completely batshit. We never had air conditioning in school. We managed. None of us died. When the heaters failed, we wore our gloves in class. Shit happens. But let us return to the grownass people who now cannot handle changes in temperature to the point that they need to bemoan it all day and to anyone who will listen. Sweaters, jackets, tank tops, and skirts were all made with extreme temperatures in mind. We all have access to them, we all use them. Yet post after post announcing how fucking cold or how miserably hot it is fill the feeds daily. Should this be your most pressing issue of the day, take a moment to thank your higher power for all your blessings, fucking ingrate. 



Many of us have trouble sleeping on a regular basis, but you'd never see me grousing about it on social media. Nor will you see anyone from my IRL circle of friends doing it. We may tell each other in person as a warning for bad attitudes forthcoming, but to announce it publicly, seeking some sort of pity party in response is fucking ridiculous. Being exhausted is part of life, especially for women of a certain age, moms, dads, anyone with a job and responsibilities...we all suffer from some form of sleep deprivation. Join the club, grab a seat and a cup of coffee, and shut the fuck up. Maybe I am a cunt, but I have zero empathy for tired people. I am tired almost all the time, but I carry on because the alternative sucks. Missing out on life's little joys because yawning and craving Starbucks becomes your personal roadblock to happiness seems a complete waste of time.  Most of us aren't doing intense manual labor every day, we can plow forward while being tired and not endanger ourselves or anyone else. Shake it off! Stay hydrated and take a deep breath. Now move on.

Traffic, long lines, busy schedules...we all deal with this shit each and every day. Why is it harder for you? So hard, in fact, that you have to scream it from the rooftops and make it your status. What kind of response are you looking for, snowflake? A "that sucks" will somehow make your day easier? Again, I have to ask, do you have friends in the real world? Are there people you speak to in your life that you can actually look in the eye? Those are the folks you can share your day with and not seem insane. When you make every tiny inconvenience the focus of your day, and blast it all over the social media site of your choice, you look weak and stupid. Yet, not only do you do it, others encourage you to do so by responding with all the virtual support they can muster up. Virtual hugs, tsk tsks, tomorrow will be better...ahhh, don't you feel good knowing a bunch of strangers reached out to make your day a wee bit more happy? What a fucking loser! They don't care, they are just following social media protocol. Just as clicking like on all of your friend's photos is "required" on Facebook and Instagram, so is providing emotional support and uplifting comments. The grand majority of it is entirely phony and only to make themselves look kind.

The final offense I'd like to attack is Vaguebooking. I mentioned this at work the other day and found out that while my friends weren't aware of the term, they did notice it and hated it as much as I do. Oh you know what I am talking about, the people who post shit like, "Worst day ever. Some people don't know how to prioritize the people that matter most. I am so done." Hmmm, whatever do you mean? Is this one person in particular? Do I know them? Does anyone? I see now, you dangled a carrot for us to try to bite! Are you looking to have us all pound that post with comments? Waiting for the rest of us to ask who, what happened, are you okay, and offer virtual hugs and chats via messenger...you shameless attention whore! Being coy on Facebook is like exposing cleavage hoping the cute guy at the bar notices your tits and comes over to you with a drink. Look at me!!! I have boobies! There are two things wrong with vaguebooking. One is that you are behaving like an attention-hungry toddler on a very public forum. The other is that it would appear to the rest of us that you have no actual friends with whom to share the negative aspects of your life and receive genuine support and concern. Neither of which is appealing to me or most normal adults on any level. 

What you should take away from this critical rambling is that most things in life are simply not that hard; your life is way better than the person who doesn't even mention that they have cancer or some other life-threatening disease; the day to day is just that, not an insurmountable woe-filled challenge; things like the weather are inconsequential in the grand scheme of your life and shouldn't even be that noticeable if you are living your life to the fullest and in the moment; and if you have something in your word that requires advice, validation, assistance, or just an ear...look to the people in your IRL circle, not your entire friend list on social media. Stop being a whiny fucking buffoon. Most people can't stand others who do nothing but complain. You may lose what few friends you actually have. Don't believe me? Keep up the bitching and see what happens. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

My Favorite Bitch

Are you as tired as I am of the Facebook tribute posts? My husband is the bestest in the world because he loves me and my children; takes out the garbage; holds me when I cry; changes diapers; listens to me whine. My son is amazing because he gets up in the morning; brushes his teeth; eats his breakfast without flinging it across the table at me; and does his homework. And on and on. But my favorites of all time are the gushy birthday posts made by women for women. Waxing psychotically poetic, paragraph after paragraph of poorly written English with grammar that would make a sixth grader laugh, these posts have become almost like a contest to see who can outdo whom on social media. Taking these tributes at face value, if you didn't know the person, you'd really think they were the fucking bees knees! I've read some that almost had me believing the woman was not only the most beautiful woman on the planet, but had also been a rock of support for everyone who walked past her in the last 40 years, and had cured cancer. Then I remembered that I knew her and started to laugh my ass off...and speedily screenshot it to share with the rest of the snarky bitches I happen to call my friends. Why do we do this? Should we be supportive of each other? Yes! Should we raise each other up rather than cutting each other down? Derpy der. Do we have to engage in an all-out Woman Crush Write-a-thon to do so? Hell fucking no! 

That being said, allow me to engage in a little bit of female admiration in honor of my sista's birthday...

Nineteen years ago, I met a woman who would turn out to not only be my daughter's preschool teacher, the woman who taught her to read, but also someone I'd call family. GAG! This is as far as I get in the sea of vomitous verbosity. Now, let's talk about life with this woman...in bullet points to prevent me from accidentally falling into a puddle of mush and gush.

-the woman who will tear someone else to shreds with me just because I feel slighted

-the woman I've done the same for and still do

-the broad who lets me cry and then tells me to shake it the fuck off and man  up

-the chick who will yo-yo diet with me, trying every plan under the sun, and listen to me when I tsk tsk her beverage choices

-the comic who has intentionally made me laugh so hard at work, I've had to run out of the room for fear of crying down my cheeks and down my legs...just by singing one damn song

-the female with whom I can commiserate about the most disgusting of womanly issues in grotesque detail and not fear judgement

-the person I can be completely psychotic with and then discuss politics with, seamlessly and without interruption

-the young-at-heart girl with whom I can go to the mall with and try on men's underwear over my capris  

-the music stylist that will break into song with me at the drop of a hat and in more than one language

-the dancer who will bust a move on a day I may not be my usually perky self and knock me out of my cranky pants

-the psychologist who will help me dissect my issue du jour and then turn around and hand me the notepad so I can dissect one of hers

-the mom, who when I tell her someone was an asshole to my kid, doesn't hesitate a second before asking if she needs to cut a bitch

-the human to whom I trust my darkest secrets and never fear they'll come back to haunt me

-the only child this only child calls her sister

Before I fall victim of a sickly sweet compliment flood, I will stop here and say HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY, MA SISTA!!! 

Would I ever post a flowery tribute filled with hearts and balloons and all kinds of gross, complimentary bullshit? Are you freaking kidding me right now???

Say More, Apologize Less...It's OK to Be a Bitch

Little sisters all over the world, listen up! Stop cushioning your words with apologies, explanations, and justifications...now. I can think of no reason on God's green earth for you to have to continue to say, "just kidding" every fucking time you sling a well-placed barb at someone. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, whether it be positive or negative. Yet, here we are in 2017, and girls and women are still perceived to be bitchy and irrational when they express themselves in a way that is something other than demure and agreeable to men. Fuck that noise! We are intelligent, educated, rational, logical, and free-thinking human beings and deserve to be heard and respected.

How often do we hear ourselves saying, "I'm sorry" throughout the day? Fucking apologizing for being alive. So many instances of assuming we won't be met with a favorable response all day, every day. We have been conditioned to think our words don't matter and that if we do say something funny or off-color, it will likely be met with anger and rejection. Are you out of your fucking mind? Some of the funniest people I know and respect are women. No woman should feel that they can't be sarcastic or use observational humor simply because men may not like it. Fuck them. Sarcasm is the verbal tool of the clever and smart. No one should be excluded from this club. I've compiled a list of phrases we should eradicate from our conversations forever.

"I'm sorry to bother you."  Why must you assume that your presence is a bother? Do men walk into a room and apologize for being there? How often do you hear that happening? Women believe that their mere existence causes people distress and have been taught from a young age to ask for forgiveness each time they require attention. I call bullshit. As children, we thrive from receiving attention from our parents as well as other family members and caregivers. Humans need attention and shouldn't be afraid to ask for it. Somewhere along the way, girls are given the message that they no longer need attention and asking for it is rude and annoying. Um, since when? You have something I need, I am going to ask you for it. I won't demand it, that's fucking rude. But I will ask you directly with no bowing and scraping involved. We are all human beings and therefore, all equals.

"I hope I'm not being a pain."  Again, I implore you to explain to me how existing on this planet and opening your mouth is somehow painful to others. What are you saying or doing that is so awful that you need to hope it isn't an annoyance to another person? I know that for me, if someone walks into a room looking for me, they must want to speak to me, and that is nothing I can't handle. Maybe, just maybe, other people are such fucking sensitive snowflakes that the possibility of having to deal with another human is somewhat painful. That is another topic. The point here is that you are not a pain. You are you. Say what you need to say without constantly filtering it through some sort of good-smelling, pretty sounding whitewash.

"This is probably stupid, but..."  Let me stop you right there. Don't ever say that in my presence. Never assume your words are anything but wise and intelligent. Prejudging yourself before you've had the opportunity to give your message is demeaning at best. Engaging in negative self-talk out loud to another person is simply wrong. You are basically telling the other person that what you are about to say is dumb and worthless...giving them the message that you are wasting their time. Let's stop acting like we have nothing of value to say and that our ideas don't matter. You came up with the fucking idea...let it rip! Living in fear of the opinions of others is a colossal waste of time and energy. The only opinion of you that matters is your own.

"Sorry, just kidding."  No, you aren't kidding. Why say it if it isn't true? I can tell you why you do it. Fear. Fear of being rejected. Fear of not being liked. Fear of not being seen as sweet and kind. Fear of being thought of as bitchy or mean. If you feel like throwing a bit of sarcasm someone's way, you don't need to jump in front of it to protect the "victim" from being hit. The person to whom you are speaking usually is quite clear as to whether or not you are kidding around. There's no need to cushion the blow...takes all the fun out of it. Envision a bunch of guys hanging around, hurling well-placed insults at each other. They are all laughing and giving as good as they are getting. Fist bumping and high-fiving the fuck out of each other. Same situation, make the group female. Awkward giggles and "just kidding" and "sorrreee" flowing like water down a hill. Seriously? Own your sarcasm like a fucking boss!!! Pound your chest and take credit for the verbal barb.

"I was just wondering...did that make sense?" Um, what the actual fuck? Did you just speak in another language peppered with gibberish? Asking that implies you have said something that is pure nonsense and should immediately be discounted. What's worse is when you ask if something you said makes sense, you are telling the listener that your speech is unclear, convoluted, and moronic. That is not the message we are trying to send about women in 2017!!! Christ on a crunchy cracker, you can't possibly believe that your words mean nothing and are hard to understand because you don't have the ability to express yourself intelligently. Yet another way we downplay what we have to say and suck the importance right out of our own words. Speak with authority and confidence, even if you aren't totally convinced you are right. Men use that trick all the time and have you ever noticed that their ideas are more well-received in meetings and in the workplace? It's no fucking coincidence. Presentation is crucial and don't for one second think that the manner in which you address someone has no effect on how they receive what you've said.

"Did I do this right?"  Do you really want to know or are you seeking approval? Ask yourself that before those words leave your lips. Should you have embarked upon a new journey and have absolutely no idea how what you've done will turn out, then feel free to ask for some sort of validation. Learning should continue to happen over the course of your entire lifetime. However, and this is a big fucking however, if you know goddamn well that not only do you know how to do that particular task, but you also know you rock it, don't you dare ask if you've done it right. Pretending to be stupid or helpless is as unattractive as hell and only for the weak. You are NOT weak and you certainly aren't stupid. Why act like you are? Radiate confidence and let the world know that you are smart and capable. Gone are the days of attracting a man by pretending to be as useless as tits on a bull. The man who finds that appealing is likely to be an asshole and you are way out of his league.

"Is that bad?"  If you have to ask, don't say it. I am not implying that you should never say things that could be construed as offensive. Quite the opposite. But if you are truly concerned with the way the world perceives you every time you open your facehole, stay quiet. To the rest of you, I implore you to say what you feel, regardless of what you imagine others will think. Why the fuck are you even asking? Why do you actually care? Most things that you say are not life changing in the slightest, never worry that you are affecting the course of the universe when you speak. Freedom of expression exists in this country and I wholeheartedly encourage you to take advantage of it. Nothing feels better than getting shit off your chest, saying what you actually mean, and being honest. Don't ever hesitate to speak your fucking mind.

Here's the problem with sucking it up and hiding your true feelings - you lose respect of everyone around you. Why? Because they think they can say and do whatever they want to you and you won't utter a fucking sound. The perception will be that you don't have an opinion, so no one will ever ask for it. When you do have one, no one will listen. If you are portraying yourself as weak and unsure, that is how you'll be seen. Starting from a very young age, girls are told to speak quietly and lower their voices while boys are boisterous and no one bats an eye, except to say, "boys will be boys" which is a dangerous thing to say. We are told to ask permission; to request not demand; to not be intrusive or argumentative. Fast forward to adulthood, when these things have now been hammered into our very being and we behave this way in the workplace. Is it any wonder we still make less than men for the same jobs? We don't speak the fuck up!!! We've been told not to...we've been told to be sweet and kind and soft. Fuck that shit! It is time we broke that pattern and shoved it up the ass of whoever prescribed it to us. The time has come to be strong and opinionated; to be forceful and demanding; to say what we really think, not what we believe others want to hear. If you want to succeed, truly succeed in life, in your career...speak the fuck up! Do you think most* men are worried about how others perceive them in the workplace? Are you friggin kidding me right now?

*I'm not implying that all men are brash and bold in the workplace, nor am I saying that none of them care what others think. This is a generalization to make an important point.

People Who Need to Stay the Fuck Off Social Media

Has it really been a year since I have addressed you all? Sweet and muscular Jesus, for that I apologize wholeheartedly. Writing has taken me all over the map and sadly, I had neither the time nor energy to give you a dose of what you crave...my fucking opinion! Noticing that my last post was Facebook Faux Pas and it was seriously lacking a shitton of online annoyances, I decided to finish my damn thought and continue along that path today. Why, you may ask? Because far too many people are missing the point of social media and what it is used for...missing the point and driving me out of my goddamn skin! So, let's get cracking and call these fucktards out.

1. Passive-aggressive vague posters. Need I say more? Oh hell, when have I not expanded on my own rant? Am I the only one who reacts to these posts violently? When you share a status that only you understand, you've done it with the sole purpose of getting the rest of us to ask what you mean. Dragging the supposed issue out of you like pulling a tooth from a lion, your friends ask if you are okay, what's wrong, and do they need to cut a bitch? The equivalent of searching for a virtual hug, this post drives me batshit crazy! If you are pissed off at someone, tell them. Life is frustrating and you want someone to commiserate with you? Make the frustrating issue your actual post! Sometimes you want to complain about a family member or friend that is on Facebook, too, and you are afraid they will read it and know it's about them, so you dance around the problem and drop a detail or two, playing coy as fuck. Again I say to you, talk to that person directly or never speak to them for the rest of your life. Either way, you haven't yanked us all into your angry little mystery theatre production. Don't expect me to play twenty questions with you, because I truly don't give a rat's asshole. This is not rocket science, people. Passive-aggressiveness sucks in person, but we don't need it clogging up our news feeds on a site that is meant to be FUN and a means of actual communication. 

2. Sharing/Re-sharing old news, fake or not. This one rubs me the wrong way for two separate reasons. The first is pretty simple. Check the date on a news story before you excitedly post it as fresh information. Stop telling me that Bob Hope died!!! Maybe you rarely read the news and aren't up to date on celebrity deaths, disease outbreaks, or the latest fashion fads...and that in and of itself is fine. Maybe you truly had no idea the cronut was a thing. I am not judging your lack of access to a newspaper or the internet. What I am picking apart is your inability to read the fucking date!!! If it happened in 2003, chances are, we've all seen it or heard about it, dipshit. Further into this atrocity of the internet are people who don't fucking fact check! Please be sure you are 100% positive someone is dead before you post the crying emoji and the status claiming one of my favorite stars is now taking a dirt nap. Use your brain as something other than a cranium filler. If something sounds like bullshit or is on a website that seems a tad sketchy like www.conservativeassholeswritethisshit.com, it probably is a crock of shit and doesn't need to be shared with the rest of the independently thinking, brain using, educated world. Believe what you want but don't subject the rest of us who read above a third grade level to utter nonsense!

3. The online tyrant/bully/passionate poster. There's a special place in hell for these assholes. While I realize I've named three entirely different types of people, they fall into the same category for me. Jackasses with no place on social media whatsoever. Working my way backward, let's begin with the passionate poster. You know at least one person like this. Shoving their stance or opinions on this, that, and the other thing down our throats in status tirades. We all have opinions and the Constitution allows us the wonderful right to freedom of speech, and I get that. However, you are crossing a dangerous line when you not only shove that opinion down my throat, but you then demand that I subscribe to it. Oh hell no you didn't! Capable of independent thought since a very young age, I'll form my own fucking opinions and viewpoints, thank you very much. Moving on to the bully, my personal favorite, this individual uses other people's statuses as a forum to not only run their agenda, but to cut down anyone who doesn't happen to agree with them. Not just cut down, but attempt to beat up, using only words as their weapon. If you've ever been on the receiving end of their verbal assault, you know exactly what I mean. Many don't have the testicular fortitude to go head to head with this buffoon. What most don't realize is, usually, this douchebag is as dumb as a box of rocks and it really doesn't take much to outclass and outrank them. The problem you face when you attempt to fight back, is they cannot shut the fuck up. Loud wrongs, the lot of them, and they don't know when they've been beaten soundly, so they plod on, babbling like idiots. The tyrant is fairly similar, the only difference being they will post their own angry shit as bait to start a fight they'd desperately love to win. Following the same pattern as the bully, they try to shoot down your every argument with chimp logic. Unless you feel strongly about the topic, don't even bother engaging this asswipe.

4. The Online Ass Kisser. Oh come on, you know who you are! The first person on every post with a photo to comment, you insist on waxing poetic and acting like they are not only the most attractive you've ever laid eyes on, but also the smartest, kindest, and most amazing human being on planet Earth. Um, really? It may ring true if you only said it to one person, but you lick the balls of everyone on Facebook!!! Starts to take some of the power out of your words when they are repeated on three other posts. Not just that, but why are all of your kind words for people you never see in person, barely know, or don't really give a shit about? Don't think the rest of us don't notice you never comment on real friends' and your family's posts. Who the fuck are you impressing? What do you gain from sucking up? Facebook is not the direct path to heaven. As I have told people in the past, God does not have a Facebook account, he uses Snapchat. Beyond that, I've also told you all to be kind in person to the people you love, not all over social media to show off to people who don't fucking matter. This person is a special kind of stupid and not as kind as they'd like you to believe. If they were, they wouldn't have to play the part online so dramatically. Take their comments with a grain of salt, I'm sure they don't even mean them.

5. The Wannabe Writer Rant. We have all seen their posts and most of us with above average intelligence levels have cringed while reading them. Everyone likes to think they write well, and some of you do. These posts are not written by any of you. No, these out of control, angry, mean-spirited, ludicrous rants are always written by someone who can't form a coherent sentence. Most days, I am forced to laugh out loud at the stupidity that I am reading. Some days, I get pissed. Why? Because they have friends, dumber than they are, who hop on board and start applauding these morons, telling them how fucking right they are and how amazing what they've said is...and that they should consider writing a book because, holy hell, they'd fucking buy it! How fucking brain dead do you have to be to see one of those posts and actually think they are well written? If you completed at least eight years of school, you'd notice the lack of proper grammar, the spelling mistakes, the improper usage of the $25,000 words...and you'd join me in mocking them mercilessly. Not only are their posts filled with embarrassing mistakes, but they are often chock full of misdirected fury about shit they know nothing about. Someone please, introduce them to Google! There is another version of this cuntbucket, the semi-intelligent pretentious bitch. She often writes posts like she is working on her Facebook thesis and wants people to know she is educated and so not like you. The kicker is, she sounds like a fucking twatwaffle and by virtue of that, less than intelligent. Social media is not a forum for intellectual discourse, it is a fun place to connect and share. Can political discussions happen? Sure. Can important topics be explored? Absolutely. But let's keep it at a level even our slowest friends can follow, shall we? Stop the holier than thou shit and keep it real!!!

These are just five of the annoying cockknockers we have to deal with on social media, and I know there are countless more. Alas, I have run out of time and desire to contend with their brand of nonsense. Just know this, I see you and I am not afraid to call you out in front of God and your 238 Facebook friends, 97% of whom you barely know or actually speak to, but you'd never know it based on your online behavior. Keep it up, this bitch has the arsenal to cut you down to size before you even feel the first slice. Think you have the stones to go up against me? Are you friggin kidding me right now???