Playground Rules for Adults: Part 2

You didn't think I was done, did you? The behavior I've witnessed requires me to continue where I left off...and just as pissed as I was yesterday. If we didn't have the shield of our computer screens or smartphones to hide behind, perhaps many of us wouldn't be such rotten human beings. It's when you take the bravado felt when typing away and bring it out of hiding and into the public eye, we start to have real problems. Cyber-bullying is bad enough, it breaks down the resolve of fragile young men and women who are just beginning to come into their own, figuring out who they are and who they want to be. But when people feel ballsy enough to come face to face with another human and treat them like shit, our world starts deteriorating to the point of no return. But this isn't just about being mean, because I'm sure many of you think I'm mean, too. What I am, what you're not..is honest and straightforward. Remember, I'm from NY...according to you, I have no filter, no feelings, and no class, right?  Dancing around that aside, and moving into the meat of the matter, I'd like to continue to point out where you are going horribly wrong.

4.  Condescending:  Don't even try to deny it. Hell, there are times I am condescending. Shocking, I know. But I can admit my guilt in this area. There are times that people are just so incredibly fucking stupid, I start to wonder if they need reminders to breathe. Breathe? Shit, there are some that I'm convinced could and would drown in the rain. So, I have been known to speak slowly and possibly in a mocking fashion to those with whom I am having a particularly challenging conversation. I hate having to explain the basics to anyone but small children. If you've reached a certain age, one in which you can successfully care for yourself, earn a living, and stay relatively healthy...I shouldn't have to speak in monosyllabic sentences, defining words as I go along. However, I'd like to address the folks who do this ALL the fucking time. People who think everyone is a step away from window-licking idiot and needs long-winded explanations of every topic under the sun. Going through life assuming everyone is stupid and you are the only person with an education beyond the third grade is not only presumptuous but absolutely untrue. Most people have advanced degrees these days and aren't blathering morons, bumping into walls and apologizing. We don't need to have things explained...as a matter of fact, it pisses us off. How about attempting to just have a normal conversation? You be amazed at our ability to not only keep up, but also drive the conversation forward.  Most people are not as smart at they think they are...which is likely why they keep trying to convince us of their genius.

5.  Exaggeration:  This has to be one of the most annoying forms of dishonesty I encounter. Story-telling is an art, I am aware. Many people are not adept at getting and keeping the attention of others long enough to actually tell a tale. But when you try to do so by adding and padding the actual facts with bullshit, I lose my fucking marbles. It's not difficult to pick out the pantloads from the actual events. Don't think that the folks listening aren't mentally picking your story apart and counting down to the moment they are able to pick YOU apart to the other people listening with them. Of course, these buttwads are only outdone by their counterparts who pad a story by using one of the characters as comedic relief by making them out to be bumbling, drooling morons. While I'm certain SOME of the facts may be somewhat true, most people aren't as completely fucking dumb as the stories told about them.  I went to school with a girl who told stories like this and I can't believe she still has teeth after I was forced to listen to them. I must have been able to thrust myself into a state of Zen tranquility while enduring yet another story where I starred in the role of Jackass the Clown. Today, I'd probably cut her down to size so deftly she wouldn't have time to bleed. Here's the take away from this, if the story doesn't have legs of its own, don't attempt to sew on prosthetic ones. The enemies you'll gain from a moment of laughter aren't worth that moment.

6.  Bragging:  Christ on a crutch, I feel like I've beaten this topic to death. Yet, here I am revisiting it yet again. And why? Because it doesn't stop! People still feel the need to shove what they believe is their good fortune into the faces of others for no other reason than to make those folks feel like shit. Not everything is worth sharing. Trust me, your life is no better than the lives of most, and no one cares enough to have to hear, read, or see photo montages of the minutiae. You got flowers? Great! So did thousands of other women today...and I've not heard a peep out of them. Love your job? Awesome! So do countless others, but they are too busy actually doing that job to bore us to death about it. Bought something new that you just adore? Fanfuckingtastic! Many people buy things they like because buying things they hate is waste of fucking money, douchebag. Your kids are great? Thank God! Because no one else has children they love and adore and think are pretty fantastic, too....right? The difference between you both is that they are enjoying their children in the moment instead of looking for ways to make them seem better than yours. Now who's the asshole?

Now that I've pointed out a few more of your faults, I'd like to make a suggestion. Knock it the fuck off! Unless you want to die alone, surrounded by cats, lying in a pool of your own filth...you have to start acting like a human being. Treat people with respect. Be considerate of someone else besides yourself. Stop being the person that everyone dreads seeing because what comes out of your mouth is either poison, bullshit, or meant to make them feel like less than you. Here I am holding out high hopes that you'll listen to me. You won't because you can't. Once an asshole, always an asshole. Doubt me? Look in the mirror. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Playground Rules for Adults: Part 1

It's a damn shame that this is even necessary, but you've forced me to compile yet another list to help you act like a person instead of a fucking buffoon. When did the world become all about you? Did the memo bypass my inbox? Who died and left you Queen of All? I've sat by and watched people become more arrogant, more self-absorbed, more entitled, and far less compassionate about others than I've ever seen in my entire life and it sickens me. You, sir, sicken me. Aside from all the bleeding heart TV commercials trying to make us believe that there are humanitarians and selfless volunteers on every street corner, which as we all know is bullshit, what I see and witness on a daily basis is a bunch of selfish assholes making the lives of everyone with whom they come in contact, miserable. Why? Why the hell are people such douche bags in 2014? I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. I do care about the poor schleps that have to deal with the shit spewing from the mouths of jerk-offs. So, I've put together a list of some of things you are clearly doing wrong, and advice regarding how to check yourself before your wreck yourself.

1.  Arrogance:  Nobody likes people who behave like angry know-it-alls.   You know exactly to whom I am referring. Those lovely folks who traipse around making sure you are aware of just how truly knowledgeable they are while neglecting to acknowledge that someone may, indeed, have another viewpoint, opinion, or God-for-freaking-bid, more facts about the topic. They don't give a rat's ass what you think because they *know* that they are right, their opinion matters more, and you are a dumbass, anyway. Ever notice that these geniuses are often less educated, less informed, less eloquent-sounding, and dare I say it, at times, less attractive than the person at whom they are railing? Yes, I do believe that there is a tad bit of jealousy deep in the rotting hearts of the arrogant bastards of the world. Most people who feel the intense need to blow their own horns, pat their own backs, and kiss their own fat asses...are the most insecure people you'll ever have the misfortune of meeting. Sad, but not sad enough to waste your pity on these asshats.

2.  Rudeness:  The rudeness of which I speak is the mistreatment of service people. While I realize that their job IS to serve you and do it with skill, swiftness, and a smile...it is not in their contracts to kiss your ass, be run ragged, or to allow you to treat them like day old crap. They are first and foremost human beings which affords them certain dignities, not the least of which is being treated with respect. How many of you have forgotten to say "please" and "thank you" to your waiter or waitress? Can you recall the last time you told your dry cleaner what a great job they've done with your 3,000th coffee stain on your dress shirts? When you speak to the cashier at your local supermarket, do you bother to make eye contact? Starbucks employees are generally among the friendliest...do you reciprocate in kind or do you just bitch them out about the temperature of your drink? Imagine for a moment having to brew your own cup of coffee, you lazy prick. You no longer need to do that thanks to the nice barista who is more than happy to do it FOR you. There is a reason we have service people...we want to be served! They are thrilled to do the things you don't want to do for yourself. How about being nice to them for a change? Picture life without them...scary, isn't it?

3.  Moodiness:  I don't mean the inevitable shift in your personality due to hormonal ebbs and flows, ladies. Oh and fuck the men who can't handle it. I am referring to the folks, male and female who just can't seem to get their emotions in check. Everyone has problems, frustrations, and hard luck every now and again. We are all entitled to express ourselves in the manner in which we see fit...to a degree. To a degree is the operative phrase here. We can confide in a friend, scream into a pillow, sing sad songs till tears soak our shirts, run until we are out of breath, or even write about it. What we are not permitted to do, and I know many of you aren't aware of this, is take it out on other people. There are scant few occasions that the person who is taking the brunt of your lack of emotional control is the actual cause of your angst. And even if they are the reason, they don't deserve abuse. I say abuse because yelling, sniping, insulting, dirty looks, the silent treatment, passive-aggressive communication, and acting like an ass can all be forms of emotional and verbal abuse...and no one on this planet deserves it. Even people who suck.

These are merely a few of the things I've caught you doing when you thought no one was paying attention. Maybe you didn't care. The people with whom you came in contact did. When you ruined their day, made them cry, or just frustrated the fuck out of them...I noticed and so did they. Stop being a total fuckwad and start treating people the way you believe you should be treated. Unless you don't mind being treated like shit...because one day, one fine day, you will get what you dish out returned to you. And you won't be able to handle it.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???