Playground Rules for Adults: Part 1

It's a damn shame that this is even necessary, but you've forced me to compile yet another list to help you act like a person instead of a fucking buffoon. When did the world become all about you? Did the memo bypass my inbox? Who died and left you Queen of All? I've sat by and watched people become more arrogant, more self-absorbed, more entitled, and far less compassionate about others than I've ever seen in my entire life and it sickens me. You, sir, sicken me. Aside from all the bleeding heart TV commercials trying to make us believe that there are humanitarians and selfless volunteers on every street corner, which as we all know is bullshit, what I see and witness on a daily basis is a bunch of selfish assholes making the lives of everyone with whom they come in contact, miserable. Why? Why the hell are people such douche bags in 2014? I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. I do care about the poor schleps that have to deal with the shit spewing from the mouths of jerk-offs. So, I've put together a list of some of things you are clearly doing wrong, and advice regarding how to check yourself before your wreck yourself.

1.  Arrogance:  Nobody likes people who behave like angry know-it-alls.   You know exactly to whom I am referring. Those lovely folks who traipse around making sure you are aware of just how truly knowledgeable they are while neglecting to acknowledge that someone may, indeed, have another viewpoint, opinion, or God-for-freaking-bid, more facts about the topic. They don't give a rat's ass what you think because they *know* that they are right, their opinion matters more, and you are a dumbass, anyway. Ever notice that these geniuses are often less educated, less informed, less eloquent-sounding, and dare I say it, at times, less attractive than the person at whom they are railing? Yes, I do believe that there is a tad bit of jealousy deep in the rotting hearts of the arrogant bastards of the world. Most people who feel the intense need to blow their own horns, pat their own backs, and kiss their own fat asses...are the most insecure people you'll ever have the misfortune of meeting. Sad, but not sad enough to waste your pity on these asshats.

2.  Rudeness:  The rudeness of which I speak is the mistreatment of service people. While I realize that their job IS to serve you and do it with skill, swiftness, and a smile...it is not in their contracts to kiss your ass, be run ragged, or to allow you to treat them like day old crap. They are first and foremost human beings which affords them certain dignities, not the least of which is being treated with respect. How many of you have forgotten to say "please" and "thank you" to your waiter or waitress? Can you recall the last time you told your dry cleaner what a great job they've done with your 3,000th coffee stain on your dress shirts? When you speak to the cashier at your local supermarket, do you bother to make eye contact? Starbucks employees are generally among the friendliest...do you reciprocate in kind or do you just bitch them out about the temperature of your drink? Imagine for a moment having to brew your own cup of coffee, you lazy prick. You no longer need to do that thanks to the nice barista who is more than happy to do it FOR you. There is a reason we have service people...we want to be served! They are thrilled to do the things you don't want to do for yourself. How about being nice to them for a change? Picture life without them...scary, isn't it?

3.  Moodiness:  I don't mean the inevitable shift in your personality due to hormonal ebbs and flows, ladies. Oh and fuck the men who can't handle it. I am referring to the folks, male and female who just can't seem to get their emotions in check. Everyone has problems, frustrations, and hard luck every now and again. We are all entitled to express ourselves in the manner in which we see fit...to a degree. To a degree is the operative phrase here. We can confide in a friend, scream into a pillow, sing sad songs till tears soak our shirts, run until we are out of breath, or even write about it. What we are not permitted to do, and I know many of you aren't aware of this, is take it out on other people. There are scant few occasions that the person who is taking the brunt of your lack of emotional control is the actual cause of your angst. And even if they are the reason, they don't deserve abuse. I say abuse because yelling, sniping, insulting, dirty looks, the silent treatment, passive-aggressive communication, and acting like an ass can all be forms of emotional and verbal abuse...and no one on this planet deserves it. Even people who suck.

These are merely a few of the things I've caught you doing when you thought no one was paying attention. Maybe you didn't care. The people with whom you came in contact did. When you ruined their day, made them cry, or just frustrated the fuck out of them...I noticed and so did they. Stop being a total fuckwad and start treating people the way you believe you should be treated. Unless you don't mind being treated like shit...because one day, one fine day, you will get what you dish out returned to you. And you won't be able to handle it.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???