Wah, I'm an Ass Today Because I Went to Catholic School!

Please tell me you don't use this excuse in your everyday life. Via the beautiful land of social media it has come to my attention that people who attended Parochial schools back in the 70's are damaged goods. That's right, they are scarred for life and haven't recovered yet. So much so, that even today, they are forced to create groups for themselves where they can publicly whine and grouse about all the supposed horrors that took place in their classrooms. A place they can humiliate their old teachers, if they are still alive...otherwise I'm sure the surviving families appreciate the "homage" being spread far and wide across the internet. The vicious accusations and the criticisms for those who still send their children to Catholic schools...from people who haven't grown up since 5th grade! If you are still stuck back at ten years old, perhaps therapy would be more helpful than maligning a bunch of dead nuns?

Before you jump ugly with me and remind me of all the crap the sisters put us through back in the day, let me assure you, I remember them just as well as you do. I would never deny the fact that they did smack our asses and yell at us. Nuns in the 70's were cranky old bitches who were allowed to teach small children, of this I am painfully aware. Shiny-faced squat elderly broads who delighted in making young children quake in fear, these were the women who taught at my school. We truly believed they were sadistic little penguins put on earth to torture us. I'll go out on a limb and say this was probably true for the entire nation back in those days. Perhaps even worse for those who lived in the Bible Belt, where things aren't so different right now. That being the case, I can sort of understand wanting to put them on blast for the way they treated us. To shout it from the rooftops as a cautionary tale, shielding the innocent from the alleged abuse we suffered at the hands of the evil nuns.

Here's where it falls flat, in case you are too young to have had this experience...all teachers in the 70's used corporal punishment. Let me narrow the playing field a bit and say all teachers in the tri-state area and in the bible belt, including much of the southeast, hit unruly, disrespectful students. Did you catch those last three words? The part where I lay some of the blame on the children? Back then, teachers were allowed to discipline exactly as our parents would have in the same situations had they caught us behaving that way. As a matter of fact, many parents went down to the schools and let the teachers know, without hesitation, that they could smack their out-of-control, mouthy little shits because they wouldn't be there to do it themselves, and assured them that if they had done so that day, the child could expect a similar punishment when they got home, too. Because back in the 70's, parents didn't jump to their children's defense and make excuses for their poor behavior, they held them completely accountable and trusted that the teachers were doing their jobs in disciplining the out of control and rude.

Back in the 70's, parents actually parented. They didn't allow children to talk back and sass them, cursing like drunken sailors and threatening to call CPS. Back then, the police would drag a delinquent child off the street corner and back home to get a spanking from their parents. There were no laws against disciplining children back then. Certainly you couldn't beat the shit out of your child, nor should anyone. This is not what I am talking about. But a whack on the ass to jolt some sense and respect back into a brat, is not abuse. It's called tough love, baby, get over it. And that's what the nuns were doing, too. They were trying to knock some of the rocks out of the heads of those children who may have wound up in juvie had they continued behaving like little douche nozzles. Adults wanted the best for us, and at times may have gone about it in some weird ass ways, but the intent was honorable. Again, I say, a smack here and there isn't abusive. Neither is an elevated voice telling you exactly what you've done wrong, that you won't be doing it again, and why if you do, your life is going to go down the toilet.

Another thing the whiners are forgetting, is that we gave as good as we got. The nuns may have hit us, but we weren't the darling little, sweet little angels the bitching pussies would have you believe. I remember shooting spitballs across the classroom, aiming for the spot right next to where Sister Mary Heartburn was writing on the blackboard. My friends and I would make the oddest sounds right when she would turn her back, making her jump and spin around screaming for the culprit to come forward. We'd just sit and snicker. Can any of you recall the fun activity we used to engage in...you know, waiting until the nun was writing a long line of shit on the board, silence enveloping the room, and shoving the gigantic textbook off the side of your desk in unison with the rest of the class, creating a sonic boom??? Oh I do. It was fun...it was also rude, disruptive, and disrespectful. But we did it anyway, didn't we? There was a teacher who had a particularly poisonous way of speaking, and could have been considered racist, verbally abusive, and plain rude. But guess what else, she used to demand her water cup be refilled by the children...who would leave the room with her cup, fill it at the water fountain, and spit in it before returning it to her. Little angels, huh?

The point is, none of us are any the worse for the wear after attending Catholic school in the 70's. We have hysterical stories to share with our children and our public school friends. We can laugh at how easy the kids in Catholic schools have it now. But what we really came away with, is a sense of discipline, respect for elders and authority, really neatly organized notebooks, and the ability to memorize large amounts of information and spit it back...which as you may have experienced, helped you out in college and later on in life. So, instead of whining about how mean the nuns were in St. Holy Jehosephat's Catholic Academy for the Angelic, and blaming them for what a huge lame ass weenie you are today all over Facebook, Twitter, and anywhere else you can type your sob story...thank your lucky stars that someone stopped you from becoming worse than you already are today. You are probably the little shit that would have wound up in jail. Are you friggin kidding me right now???