The Perimenopause Expert is In, Part Two

Ladies, I wouldn't leave you in your time of need! If only I could tell you that it gets easier, if only I could tell you the symptoms drop off one by one, leaving you feeling wonderfully renewed. I can't and I won't lie to you. I can honestly say that each of these symptoms pertain to me personally and I know all of you are feeling the same. My goal here is to make sure you know that you are never alone in this shit storm and not only am I here with you, I am holding the umbrella for both of us. Why we were chosen to stomp through what can only be described as soggy crap fields filled with pain and angst at an age when we should be feeling our best, is beyond my scope of imagination. At this point in our lives, since our children are older and self-sufficient, we should be able to return to that freedom we enjoyed pre-motherhood. Or at least you'd hope. But the raging bitch that is perimenopause has other plans for us. While men are opening up another button to expose their graying chest hair and driving around in their poorly chosen mid-life-mobiles, we are in the throes of something that would kill someone with a Y chromosome within a week, max.

Without further stuff and blather, I present to you more bullshit you may be enduring at this very moment:

11. Hot Flashes: In previous blogs, I have mentioned these little infernos of joy, but I would like to expand upon their life altering potential, if I may. It's one thing to feel hot. Many men think they feel hot and will joke that they are having a hot flash. At which point, I am forced to suppress an urge to plunge a knife deeply into their left ventricles and watch them bleed out like slaughterhouse pigs. Hot flashes are not a subject men are allowed to laugh about, nor can they ever claim they have felt anything close. There are actually different forms, as I have been lucky enough to discover!
       -There's the "average hot flash" which is basically the sensation of boiling from the inside out that generally starts at the collarbone, wraps around your circumference, and rises like flames all the way to the top of your head. This little beauty can and usually does result in some pretty copious amounts of sweat, causing you to be "that" woman, yanking your hair into a hand-held ponytail with one hand and fanning the back of your neck with the other. Sometimes running to the freezer for a brief yet satisfying arctic blast to the face. Good times.
       -Next, I've experienced the "clown cheeks hot flash" which is self-explanatory, yet I'd like to go a few steps further. Not only do your cheeks blaze a bright and embarrassing red seemingly out of nowhere, but if you are tuned in to your body, and most of us are while enduring the bliss of perimenopause, you will notice the feeling long before you are lucky enough to have someone point out that your cheeks make you look like Bozo. I usually compare the sensation to the heat I feel when I have a fever and my face just feels abnormally warm. That. These are my personal favorites because I do love being able to be outed as having a hot flash by anyone and everyone who happens to look my way.
      -The final form I've embraced in my world, is the "night sweat hot flash" which again, is self-explanatory. But why the hell not expand once again? Not just the feeling of needing to toss off (not the tossing off that men do when they think we haven't a clue) the comforter and leave the nice, cool sheet on to sleep comfortably. Oh no. This is the waking up feeling like someone dumped water all over you. Or in my case, dumped water all over my top half and needing to change my clothes. My answer to this little burst of happiness is to tear off my sleep tee and go back to bed on top of the covers till my temperature normalizes and I am freezing again.
Funny little aside, I actually have taken my temperature at the peak of a flash, only to discover that I spike a "fever" during one. My normal body temperature is usually between 97.8 and 98.2, +/- a tenth. My hot flash temperature was a blazing 100.4!!! Have mercy!

12. Apathy: Yes, you read that correctly. On any normal day, I give less than a shit about most things. Bring on perimenopause and watch that feeling dip to numbers in the negative. Even things I usually have passion for can sometimes seem like the most unappealing items on the menu of life. Why? Because my hormones suck rhino balls and they are what control my moods. For someone like me, you may think this is really no big deal. She's generally apathetic, anyway, what's the difference? Fucking huge. Generally, I care about what is really important and things over which I have some degree of control. Add some hormonal shift, and BAM. Even those things seem out of my grasp and I stop giving a fetid shit althogether. This is a problem of great magnitude when you have a job, a family, a life that you used to enjoy, for the most part. I know you ladies know exactly what I am referring to and you can't seem to shake the "who gives a fuck" feeling, either. This is where wine and I bond closely some evenings. Not a medically supported answer, but then, I'm not a doctor.

13. Nightmares: When I was a small child, I had serial nightmares. They were horrifying, I couldn't wake up, and they caused me to sleep with a blanket over my head years after they had ceased to plague me. My security blanket, which I still have, tucked away in my daughter's now unused closet, was the one thing that helped me sleep for all those years. I'm considering taking her out and using her superpowers all over again. Weird fucking dreams come when you least expect them, or so you think. Pay attention. Mine usually rear their ugly heads right before and during my blood flood days. Coincidence? I think not. Strange dreams that are clearly a rehash of all the things that cause me stress in the waking hours, manifesting themselves as images that can only be compared to the best of the best "slash and gash" B movies. Fortunately, I usually kick ass at the end of each of these little brain cinemas, unlike when I was a child. Unfortunately, I cannot wake up out of them, and this generally causes me to wake tired and semi-rattled. Thank you, estrogen, you cuntbucket.

14. Aches/Leg Cramping/Weakness: I'm just going to lump these little bits of ecstasy together because to me, they are all part of the same phenomenon. All of these symptoms seem to point to some sort of muscular trouble. Some mornings, I wake up feeling like I'm 80 years old with arthritis. Everything snaps and cracks with my morning stretch and I haven't even left the bed. Attempting to haul my bodacious ass out of the bed becomes another hurdle. As I sit at the edge of my bed wondering why the fuck I need to be up, I start to feel the leg cramping and more widespread aches. Why? Who the hell knows? What I do know, what sticks in my craw, is that this never used to happen. I'm not old for the love of all things good and holy. Why should I feel ancient? Oh, perimenopause, you assbag, this is another gift you've chosen to bestow upon me. I limp down the stairs, brew coffee, pour a cup to bring back up to the shower with me, and clomp into the shower to let the hot water beat on all the sore parts. Sometimes it works, sometimes it just feels good while I'm still in the shower. I don't get to choose the outcome. The leg weakness, I believe, is related to the gallons of blood loss I experience during my crime scene periods. This is why I take ridiculous amounts of iron all month long. I have noticed a slight change in that issue, but before you jump on that bandwagon, consult your medical practicioner. I'm not taking responsibility for diagnosing nor prescribing anything. Fuck that. I've got enough going on, or haven't you figured that out yet?

15. Itching: Not only have I seen this on all the perimenopause group timelines, but I have experienced it myself. I had attributed it to stress and perhaps it was stress. I was trying to meet a deadline for something which brought me no joy but had to be done, and I started itching. Not just your run of the mill little itch. I got tiny little bumps on my shoulders and arms and was scratching myself like a rabid animal. Actually afraid that I'd make myself bleed, I chose to soak in a bath with some Aveeno colloidal oatmeal for a bit and see if it helped. Like everything else, it was temporary and the itching and bumps continued. I've only itched like this during periods of great stress, so I figured that was all it was this time. Well, as time marches on, and I am under no real or imagined stress, I still feel itchy as fuck. I moisturize, I use lotion like it's going out of style, I take care of my goddamn skin. Why am I itchy? Oh come on. We both know the answer to this one. Perimenopause. Bless her little black and chalky heart.  This is just another treasured symptom and there's not a thing you can do. Luckily, it comes and goes or I'd go bat shit crazy. Keep your nails short and keep some unscented, hypoallergenic lotion always at hand.

16. Cravings and constant grazing: Like you're pregnant or something, GOD FORBID! In my case, anyway. I am hungry all freaking day long. My coffee habit and constant water drinking usually help to curb the incessant desire to fill my piehole with food. Thankfully, or I'd be the most zaftig bitch on the block. Sure, I'd rock it, but I'll pass, thanks. Throughout the day, I am seeking out snacks and munchies, savory and sweet. It really doesn't matter, I just want to chew. And chew, and chew, and chew. Generally, I don't eat too much crap, which is a blessing. But I have always been a volume eater (I'm Italian...sue me), and this can be problematic. Not one to eat a bite or two and move on, I need a plateful to satisfy the urge, the need, the fucking uncontrollable craving to eat. Why not add this to the list of fun and games during a time where weight shift and a creeping metabolism are at their peak? What I enjoy most about the way I attempt to control the hunger, drinking, is that the need to pee goes through the roof. And now, coughing, sneezing, or laughing are potential hazards. Outstanding! A lose/lose situation all the way around...and aren't they all during this phase of life?

Once again, I find myself at the end of another joyous share-fest about my favorite topic in the world. My sincere hope is that you've found some solace in knowing that you have a friend out there and she's as miserable as you are and can still laugh about it. So should you. Step back and just look at all this...we are all going through this and we are going to come out on the other end even stronger. How can I say this? My mom went through menopause at 40, right after her hysterectomy and I have her as my point of reference. What a fucking point of reference. Yes, I watched her mood swings, hot flashes, and other lovely symptoms play themselves out...sometimes at my expense. But ladies, this is where I can give you hope. When it was all over, and it does end, she was amazing and dare I say it, even more badass than before from the experience. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Damn straight it does. She was living proof, and with all of you as my witnesses, I will be, too. Don't doubt it for a minute that you'll join me. I don't. Are you friggin kidding me right now???


For more reading enjoyment on this topic:

The Perimenopause Expert is In

Why Perimenopause Sucks Moldy Balls

Perimenopause Still Sucks Moldy Balls, Four Years Later

Smart Answers to Dumb Questions About Perimenopause

The Perimenopause Expert is In

Of all the things in the world about which to have an abundance of personal knowledge, this is not the one I'd have chosen. But alas, here I am, at your service. Let me tell you, this roller coaster ride, aka Perimenopause has got to be the most jacked up ride at the amusement park otherwise known as life. I fucking hate roller coasters, always have, and at 44, that ain't bound to change. As a matter of fact, since I don't recall buying a ticket this time, I'd like someone to stop the ride like my dad did for me when I was five so I can get the fuck off! Who came up with this plan, this ridiculous design for the female human body? Definitely not a woman. Probably a 65 year old, Republican man. They still think they have rights to it, the uterus in particular, so I think my guess is spot on. Everyone ages, things slow down, some things stop althogether. Explain to me why women have to end their fertile years in such a dragged out and painful way. Are our bodies so complex that a simple cessation of fertility needs to affect every single other fucking part of our bodies? Seems cruel and inhumane...which points a finger right back at those twat waffle Republican men.

Belonging to some great groups on Facebook for women like myself, I have been reassured once again that I am not alone and we are all going through many of the same bullshit symptoms. Groups like Perimenopause Support and The Hot Flashers - A Perimenopause Support Group, provide a forum for those of us of a "certain age" to vent, chat, and ask pertinent questions without fear of judgement. This is precisely what we need...not only online, but in our personal lives. Sadly, many women do not have this kind of reinforcement from loved ones because they simply don't understand what they are going through and have been conditioned to believe that much of what women complain about is all in their heads. I call balls! Big, gigantic, low-swinging old man balls. This shit is as real as it gets and we wouldn't seem like Wendy Whiners if we could have a little more support from the medical community as well as from the rest of the goddamn world.

I'd like to address some of the symptoms I've seen flooding (now that's a word I hate more than anything) the perimenopause sites and see if we can't all feel a teeny bit better knowing that they are not only normal, but we are all experiencing them, too.

1.  Insomnia:  for those who sleep like corpses and have no idea what this is, I'll define it for you. This is when you absolutely cannot fall asleep and you lie there, mind racing, heart pounding, and fitfully tossing and turning while wishing you could put a pillow over the person next to you for sleeping so freaking soundly. There's nothing like not being able to sleep and suffering from one of the next symptoms that I will get to in just a minute, anxiety. Lying there while you can't turn your mind off, overthinking the entire day, stressing about tomorrow, pulse elevating to cardiac event levels, and possibly, only if you are one of the truly lucky, having a body-drenching night sweat. Man, I feel like a woman! I don't think that is what Shania Twain was referring to in her song, but she was young and inexperienced back then.

2.  Anxiety: while there are some of us fortunate enough to suffer from this disorder unrelated to perimenopause, anxiety can rear its ugly-ass head during these uber-fun years, throwing us a curve ball like no other. If you have never had an anxiety attack, fuck you. If you have, you know that having one feels like you just might die before it is over...and part of you wishes you would because the feeling is so horrid and scary that death seems the easier and more pleasant option. The most out of control you can possibly ever feel, accompanied by that fantastic heart racing I mentioned above, and a sweat more like a shower than a beading up on the forehead, anxiety attacks are just another lovely side effect of the perimenopause "journey" as some assholes like to call it. Luckily, there are excellent drugs for this one and we can bitch slap them out of the picture. Zoloft, I love you.

3.  Heart Palpitations:  this is a strange and fucked up feeling, and if you've never experienced one, you likely won't be able to understand it. Even if you asked a doctor or your grandpa, you still couldn't fully grasp this unless and until you have one of your very own. I didn't start having them until I started having anxiety attacks, but now I am overjoyed to share that I can have one completely unrelated and not connected to anxiety. Yay, me! The only way I can describe them is, if you can imagine your heart being a person, and then envision it deciding to run, then stop dead, then skip, then run again, then walk, then skip again, stopping dead once more...and, well, you get the picture. Another glorious out-of-control feeling that women have the joy of enduring during these exciting years leading to menopause...another fucking nightmare.

4.  Exhaustion:  even without having insomnia, even with a full night's sleep and a cup of coffee in hand, we can feel as though we've been up for a week running on a hamster wheel. The worst part, for me, is waking up feeling this way. Feeling like I haven't slept a wink, even though my Fitbit would disagree, and having to get out of bed and get ready for a long day at work, O...M...F...G, it is so painful. Yet, I do it and so do you ladies, whom I now consider my friends. We haul our asses up and out of bed, jump in the shower in the hopes that the water beating down on us will rouse us from that fogged and bogged down feeling...and it doesn't. Tromping down the stairs, dressed but certainly not ready for the public, we grab our first cup of joe and pray. Yet, that does nothing, either. And so the day goes. Fake it till you make it, but you never really do. Repeat again tomorrow.

5.  Painful Periods:  not just cramps, but they do factor in to the pain we now enjoy during our crime scene periods. I never had cramps when I was younger, and yes, I am aware that my fibroid bouncy house has something to do with it, but the ones I have now are mind-blowing. Stabbing pains alternating with dull aches, oh the thrill ride I go on every month is fantastic! What I have also noticed, and I see many of you have noticed, are pains that radiate right down into the va-jay-jay, vazheen, nether yea ya, or whatever name you choose to call your cooch. Holy mother of all that is good, this is very unexepected and quite unwelcome. More common during what I now call a blood burst, or when Aunt Flo decides she wants to expel gigantic moose clots in a flood of blood violently out of your cha cha. It's bad enough you may require crime scene tape, does it have to hurt like a fucker, too? Uncool, Mother Nature, very uncool.

6.  Spotting: all I can say is WHAT THE FUCK?! It leads up to the period, happens at the end, can occur throughout the month...how the hell can you possibly prepare for and accomodate this? More annoying still, is how can you dress for this? I am not a panty liner girl, so this option does not work for me in the slightest. After wearing a mattress between my legs for 8 or 9 days accompanied by a paper towel roll up my hoo ha, there's no way I want another rash-inducing cotton object down there for any length of time. Yet, I never know when my uterus will choose to notice there's a bit of old blood up in there and feel the need to share it with me and my underwear. It's gross and frankly it smells bad. I've actually worn a lite tampon on a day such as that to avoid a disgusting panty liner. Uterus, hear me now, I will not be held hostage by you, bitch.

7.  Migraines:  mine haven't always been cyclical, and as a matter of fact, I actually started getting them at 23, right after my mom died. But now, they are most definitely cyclical and due to the hormonal swinging that occurs throughout the month. Many of us at this season of life are estrogen dominant and she is not your friend. Everyone associates estrogen with femininity but she is such a cunt biscuit! When you have too much, she kicks you right where it hurts and when you least expect it. As she dips, right before your blood flood, a eye shattering migraine can occur. In the Huffington Post article Migraines: What's Estrogen Got To Do With It?, estrogen swings are discussed as one of the migraine triggers during perimenopause and gives some possible ideas to discuss with your medical practicioner for relief. I say, bring on full menopause, that's the relief I seek!

8. Weight Shift:  I wanted to discuss this and bloating in rapid succession since they are in the same unappealing category in my eyes. As we approach that "certain age" our weight may or may not fluctuate, but where it sits will. Yes, I've gained some perimenopausal poundage over the years, and yes, I still have that love affair with food ongoing. But, what I have noticed, is that my weight, even when at a decent number, doesn't always allow me to wear the same size in clothing anymore! Why? Because, Mother Nature in all her bitchy glory, has chosen this time of life to actually move fat around my body and drop it into the most unattractive places. Instead of curves, I have fucking lumps! Lumps on my ass, hips, and thighs that I swear to Christ, I've never had even at my fattest. Where in the name of Christ in a crossover did they come from and how can I get rid of them? We are all asking this very same question and I apologize ahead of time for not having a clue what to tell you. When I figure it out, you'll be the first to know.

9.  Bloating:  I understand water retention before a period and during. Once, while doing the Weight Watchers thing, I retained 8 pounds of water during one particularly fun period. Luckily, the WW person weighing me knew to explain it right away before I started shanking everyone in sight. What I don't undertand is the random bloats throughout the month. Why should I, midcycle, suddenly have a pooch that can only be compared to a beer belly? Fortunately, I can usually pee this out if I drink enough, but there are times this isn't possible and I look godawful. We all know that I hate muffin top and have said that women should wear clothes that fit to avoid it. How can I say this when I can suddenly have it in pants that fit properly just yesterday? Frustrating as fuck and totally unfair...what is the male equivalent of this? Oh, right...nothing!

10. Vertigo: Sweet and soft newborn baby Jesus, I cannot stand the feeling of being dizzy. After a horrifying bout of labyrinthitis that made me feel like I was on a spinning boat all day and night for two weeks, I can assuredly tell you that this symptom is more than unwelcome...if it were a person, I'd rip its heart out through its mouth with my bare hands. Yet, lo and behold, it is another symptom of perimenopause. For fuck's sake, is this necessary? And tell me how this is and should be connected to the cessation of fertility? It's a nauseating and unsettling feeling at best, and a scary and crippling feeling at its worst. Imagine going about your day and suddenly, completely out of nowhere, you feel like the room has started swaying and you cannot maintain your balance to save your life. Fortunately, I have Meclizine by the dozens left from my aforementioned visit to labyrinthitis and can pop one every 4-6 when this symptom decides to come a-calling. You may want to ask your MD for some of this bottled magic.

Thankfully, we have each other and groups like Perimenopause Hell and Perimenopause - Thriving and Surviving to make us feel like we are part of something totally normal and have partners in this shitstorm segment of life. Sadly, there are even more fucking symptoms that I still haven't talked about and I know you are experiencing and wondering why I haven't mentioned them. Don't worry, in my next entry, I will discuss them at length.  I want you to know that  I am going through this with you and will continue to do so until I reach the finish line that is menopause. We are in this together, every last crappy symptom, every annoying ache and pain, every oddball bodily occurrence. Would I abandon you at this point? Are you friggin kidding me right now???


If you'd like to read more about one of my favorite topics, check out these entries:

Why Perimenopause Sucks Moldy Balls
Perimenopause Still Sucks Moldy Balls, Four Years Later
Smart Answers to Dumb Questions About Perimenopause