Did you really just ask me that?

People are so fucking stupid. No, seriously, I fear for many people's lives when it rains. It's a wonder how some remember to breathe. There are days I walk around shaking my head so much, I give myself a headache. How the hell is it possible that people who've had the benefit of an education, continued on to college, and are living on their own or with their family can sound so goddamn fucktarded when they open their faceholes to speak? You know you start to question how they survive. Can that really be the sperm that won the race?  What gets me are the questions that come out of them. My eyes feel like they are popping out of my head and I know my jaw, on occasion when I don't exercise self-control, will actually drop when I hear the utter ridiculousness being asked. Here are some that came to mind this morning.

1. Did you get a haircut? Really? Yesterday it was down my back and today it's grazing my shoulders and you still NEED to ask that question? No, I didn't get a haircut, I grew last night and my hair couldn't keep up the fucking pace. Unless you are just a fan of stating the obvious and you haven't gotten the hang of the difference between asking and telling. Christ on a crutch!

2.  Do you have a toilet? If you are in my house and ask that question, expect to be directed to the gas station 2 blocks up the street. No, I don't have a toilet in my house. What the fuck do you think this is, a civilized first world country with indoor plumbing? Jesus H. Christ, pee your pants like the rest of us. That question really doesn't deserve an answer.

3.  After seeing the litter box...Do you have a cat? Refer to question 2. That's the toilet you were looking for, window licker. Oh, and ignore the furry animal that just threw herself on the floor at your feet, whoring for a belly rub, she uses the toilet.

4.  At the bus stop and I'm still standing there...Did the bus come yet? Oh yes, it came and went. Want to get on the spaceship with me when it arrives? What the fuck do you think I'm doing standing here? Waiting for the second coming of Christ?

5.  To a waiter...Is the _____any good? Oh no, that shit is vile! I wouldn't feed it to a felon! Are you serious? It's the waiter's job to sell you food. They aren't going to tell you something tastes like fetid shit. They may direct you to something that they prefer, but a direct answer to a question like that could get them fired, ass monkey.

6.  At the supermarket...What are you doing here? Knitting a sweater, putting on my bowling shoes for the tournament, frying a chicken, cutting my toenails...it's a fucking supermarket, what are YOU doing here?

7.  On the phone...What are you doing? Presently, talking on the phone with you. Aren't you doing something frighteningly similar? Oh, did you mean directly prior to answering the phone? Then ask that question, douche bag.

8.  As I sneeze, blow my nose, and cough up half my lung...Are you sick? Sick? Why would you ask that? Does the profusion of mucus give me away? No, I'm perfectly fine, I always blow my nose as a precautionary measure, and the green shit I just spit out...that's for you.

9.  Can I ask you a question? You just did, so, no. You've used up your question for the day, better luck tomorrow.

10. After you've called me...Who's this? Who would you like it to be? Did someone else dial the phone FOR you? Is that why you don't have a fucking clue?

11. Is she your daughter? Holy fuck! Who is that teenager who looks just like me and is now standing directly to my right? Christ, I thought I was being followed! Security, get this kid away from me, she's been tailing me around the whole store and trying to talk to me like she knows me!

12. Did you lose weight, you look good. That's a loaded fucking question. Are you insinuating that the last time you saw me, I looked particularly FAT? The tail end of that implies that the last time we met, I was not only traveling circus huge, but also looked like day old shit. Want to retract that statement, fuckhead?

These are just a few that truly chafe my hide. There are so many more, and frankly, I have things to do and don't have the time to keep going. If you think of more, put them in the comments section so we can rip on the morons we are forced to deal with on a daily basis! Meanwhile, I need to do something semi-intelligent or my brain will start to decay from the fucking stupidity. Tell me you don't feel the same. Are you friggin kidding me right now???