When I see a mother in Target attempting to reason with her 4 year old regarding why he can't open a toy right off the shelf and run around the store with it, but perhaps if he behaves in a semi-appropriate manner for at least part of the shopping excursion, he can have any toy he wants...before he gets to go to McDonald's and clog his tiny little arteries...I shake my head in disbelief. What's her first mistake? Part of me wants to say, having the child in the first place. But that would be mean, and I'm never mean...only honest. Since, she already let her husband ride without a helmet, we can't move backwards. The little snot rocket is all hers, at least until he's 18. Her first mistake, my friends, is thinking you can reason with someone who still eats his own boogers. Children are not to be treated like tiny adults and then able to cause shock when they don't live up to the challenge. Assuming they even understand half of what you are trying to tell them, they don't care!
There was no bargaining or reasoning with me when I was little, hell, even as I got older there wasn't a ton of wiggle room. There were rules in my house...and I followed them. Most of the time. Of course, every kid tests the boundaries, and I wasn't immune to it. I had to put my hand on the stove even after my mom told me not to...and I had to deal with the burns on my palm and a hearty dose of her version of "I told you so" thereafter. Cursing seemed like fun at the time...until my mom shoved a bar of soap in my mouth to "clean" it out. That taste fucking lingers! She didn't say, "Please don't bite me, we don't bite, sweetheart" to stop me from biting. I was told very clearly that if I did, she'd bite me back. And she did. First and last time I bit anyone. Magical. Sweet talk is not meant for disciplining children. It sends mixed messages, and it certainly doesn't make you sound very sure of yourself. Especially those of you who end every request, and why are you requesting, with "okay?" as though they could tell you, "No, I'd prefer not to do that right now" and you'd be fine with it.
The way kids talk to their parents these days makes my hair stand on end. I have to laugh because all I can do is think about what would happen if I spoke that way to my mom. My guess is that I would still have her hand print across the right side of my face today. Never in my life have I considered talking to her the way I hear kids talking to their moms. Do they really think it's perfectly fine to scream and curse at the woman who gave them life? Tell her that they don't give a shit what she has to say, that she's an idiot, and they are going to do what the fuck they want to, anyway? I'd be lucky to have teeth and be able to sit...even now. That woman not only gave you life, she sacrificed in ways you will never be aware of, goes without so you can have all the crap you demand of her, acts as your nurse, chauffeur, cook, costumer, personal shopper, science project maker, advocates for you behind the scenes, holds you when you are sick and afraid, stays up all night and worries when you aren't home...and you have the fucking balls to speak to her in a manner not fit for a junkyard dog? That life she gave you? You don't deserve it.
Of course, being a mother isn't all discipline and martyrdom. Believe it or not, it's supposed to be fun, at least part of the time. That was something I learned from the time I was very small...moms are supposed to be fun. Not topless, drunken fun...but fun to be around, no matter what age you happen to be. I've noticed that today's stay-at-home mom would rather spend time with her friends, shopping and having coffee than actually being with the child for whom she "gave up" working. When your child spends more time in day care and preschool, and later on, in all sorts of activities (time-fillers), you aren't really being a mom. Mom, by definition, is a full-time job, even if you work outside the home. Why are you paying someone else to play with your kid? Not surprisingly, kids are a hoot to be around. Their sense of adventure, the newness with which they see all the old shit you've become immune to, their lack of boundaries, and the maniacal laughter that's so easy to illicit...why the hell wouldn't you want to hang out with your kid?!?!
Saying my mom was fun is really not doing her justice. She was a fucking riot! While I was encouraged to figure out how to cure my own boredom, that doesn't mean she didn't engage me in any way. What it actually did, was encourage my own creativity so that when we did play or spend time together, it always had the potential for being a freaking good time. From having spontaneous water fights in the house because she was spraying down her plants and noticed that she could also spray and chase me throughout the apartment, to blaring Latino music when we drove through certain neighborhoods to "fit in," to her brake-dancing in the car making me lurch forward repeatedly at red lights while she got her groove on, to being summoned to dance around the living room because, well, one of her favorite songs happened to be on, to being encouraged to exercise my own dry, sarcastic sense of humor because she could match me, line for line...she knew precisely what her only child needed from her. I needed a mom who was strict enough to enforce her rules, but intuitive enough to be my best friend.
My mom may have been quick with the flying slipper, and she may have yelled way more than most of you are accustomed to...but without question, she was better than yours could ever dream of being. I know this because it's a fact. From her, I learned it's easier to laugh at an annoying situation than cry about it. I learned to enjoy things most of you wouldn't even notice because you've become jaded to the world around you. How many of you even hear the music they play in your local supermarket, much less sing along in the aisles, oblivious to the other shoppers? I can enjoy even the simplest chore because I know how to make a game out of it. Even going to the gym, which is painful to me, can be fun with your daughter...why? Because when she asks you to do something beyond your realm of ability, all you have to do is become Rain Man and start repeating "No, no, no, no" while banging the side of your head. Yeah, I did that. Did she mind? Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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