1. First date. Do I even have to say this? It's bad enough you probably met online and have no clue if the other person is a serial killer. On the off chance that they are a decent human being, you've now chosen to ignore them so you can tell US all about them, moment by moment. Not only is it rude, it's stupid. Ignoring the person you are with to tell us about the date that basically isn't happening because you are too busy tweeting to engage the person sitting across from you is what will ensure that you remain single for a very, very long time. Even a second, third, or 24th date requires paying attention to the other person instead of your cell phone...what a dumbass!
2. Your wedding. Christ on a crutch, who does this? Apparently more people than I ever imagined. I just don't get it. One of the biggest days in your life, and instead of truly enjoying the moment, you are tweeting the fuck out of the situation, complete with photos. What the fuck is going through your mind? All of your close friends and relatives are there, so they don't need to be told the details. Who are you telling? Strangers who now know you aren't home...genius. Oh, and the ones who aren't considering robbing your house and raping your dog, don't give a runny shit. They weren't even invited. I think that ignoring the bride or groom on the altar to tweet about how the flowers smell or that the tux makes your balls itch is grounds for divorce.
3. Vacation. Wait a minute, don't jump ugly with me just yet. I'm not saying that a well-placed photo or check-in at a really cool spot while on vacation is unacceptable. Far from it, it's interesting and fun for those of us reading. What I am trying to tell you, that if you are tweeting more than a few times per day while on vacation, you aren't really ON vacation at all. How can you possibly enjoy the sites, sounds, and smells of the beautiful place you chose to holiday if you are glued to your phone trying to tell your 4K followers about each step you've taken, drink you've guzzled, and song you've heard since you arrived? Put the phone down and actually be present in the moment, vacations are few and far between. Personally, I think people who can't pry their fingers off of their phones while away should have their phones confiscated and thrown into the ocean. Take a fucking swim, fucktard...without your phone.
4. Funerals. This should be a given. You are there to pay your last respects to the deceased and support the grieving. That's it! Never is it okay to check in at a funeral home. Nor is it socially acceptable to take and post photos of the occasion. I've seen this happen and was so horrified, I was rendered speechless. We all know how hard that is to accomplish, so you know it was BAD. Are you aware that there are females who used this opportunity to take a selfie, sometimes with the corpse, and post it to their favorite social media site? "So sad, grandma died" and an accompanying photo with the casket! These are people I'd love to set on fire. Why bother attending the service if you aren't going to behave appropriately? Why bother if it's clear to you that you really don't care that anyone died, you only see it as a chance to wear that hot new black dress and take lots of photos that you can immediately post online? Sickening as hell.
5. At the gym. I am thrilled that you value your health so much that you frequent a health club and work out regularly. Bully for you! Please continue to do so, you aren't getting any younger, and perhaps consider adding more fiber to your diet while you are it. People my age will understand why I said that. However, if you are that concerned about your body, then focus your time and attention on it. When you spend more time checking in to the gym and taking tons of photos of the equipment and you using it, I doubt you are getting your membership dues' full value. Most of us don't want to look at your sweaty ass while you are on the elliptical...if we did, we'd be at the gym with you. Since my fat ass is on the couch reading your tweets, perhaps you could spare me the "glow" you are sporting all over your face, pits, and ass crack and just concentrate on your heart rate, for example?
6. Movie theater. Is this a necessary rule to have in writing? Just like you shouldn't be texting in a theater because we can all see your goddamn phone lighting up every 4.5 seconds, you shouldn't be tweeting during a movie, either. Partially for the same reason. I don't want to be distracted during a movie by your phone. Ticket prices are through the roof and if I've paid full-price, I want to actually enjoy the movie. I came to see the actors on the big screen and have them entertain me, not have the burst of light beaming out of your iPhone pull my glance away from the movie. Are you even watching the movie if you are tweeting about the popcorn and soda you are consuming? I can't imagine you have the amazing ability of using one eye to look at your phone and using the other to actually watch the movie you paid to see. Since we both know that is physically impossible, and we've also come to the realization that you are pissing off an entire theater, it's time to just fucking stop. Tweet after if you must, I'm sure your followers totally want to read your review of the movie...especially if they are as mentally deficient as you.
Life is short, happiness is fleeting. Wasting the time you are gifted with seems a bit moronic, at best. When you stop being in the moment and instead are busily announcing the moment to hundreds, even thousands of strangers, you've essentially stopped living. Is that the legacy you want to leave behind for your children? Tens of thousands of tweets about things you've done, but not really paid attention to, rather than creating memories that will live on in their hearts? If you want a place to save the memory, might I suggest a photo album? Remember those? Take a photo, print it out, and shove it into the plastic slot for safekeeping. For the love of all things holy, pay attention to what is going on around you. Life is racing past you, grab it by the balls or you are going to find yourself missing out on all the good stuff while you are gazing lovingly at your goddamn phone. Nobody lives forever. Are you friggin kidding me right now??
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