It must be summer, I can hear the whine of mothers across the country

Since when is summer a time to bitch about your choice to have children? I mean, you had them, you kept them, you at some point in your life wanted them. Why does summer bring out the fucking shrew in some of you? Is it the cry of "I'm bored" that sets your teeth on edge? Tough shit. I was that kid...except I said it all year long. My mom, who was quite the opposite of today's version of what constitutes a mother, would tell me to find something to make me un-bored. She didn't jump to entertain me, schedule me for 8 bazillion activities that she would then bitch about driving me to, or call all the moms in the neighborhood to arrange playdates for me. Far from it. I was on my own to figure out what would keep me busy during the summer months. Whether I had to call a friend to see if they wanted to come over or lace up my roller skates and hit the schoolyard, it was up to me to see that my hours were filled. Not that I didn't do things with my mom, but I didn't have hours of structured THINGS to keep me occupied. Perhaps that is where today's mom fails. Both the stay-at-home and working variety are guilty of this...you are not your child's event planner, personal assistant, or social secretary. It's no wonder kids of this generation are fucking useless veals. They aren't allowed to be bored...God forbid!

Why must you jump every time you kid uses the word bored? Do you feel guilty? Perhaps you haven't spent enough time with them all year long and now that the summer is here, you think you can "make up" for all that time you ignored them? Doesn't work that way. There are no make ups. Memories are made in the moment, not choreographed and orchestrated. It's not the amount of time spent, it's what you do with the time you have. How many of you clamoring to eradicate the word bored from your child's summer vocabulary baked cookies with your child during the school year? How many involved them in doing chores with you and included them in little things like folding laundry? Do you know how much conversation can take place during small tasks...how much more you can get to know your kid during those times? Sending them off to the 6th playdate this week after their daily scheduled activities doesn't close the gap you've created between you and your child. Get your head out of your ass and engage your offspring.

Of course, there's the flip side to the bored child. The overscheduled brat. Unless your kid has a checkbook and amazing research skills, I'm pretty sure YOU are the asshole who signed them up for some sport or camp every fucking day of the week for the entire summer. Have you ever heard of down time? Nobody on Earth needs to be entertained 24/7. So, as you are loading up the car with your kids and endless lunches, sports equipment, and camp supplies...refrain from posting yet another status lamenting your oh so hectic schedule. You have nobody to blame but yourself. Kids can be just as happy playing in the backyard with a hose in their bathing suits. Mud pies, digging for worms, climbing a tree, you know, outdoor unplanned activities? Things kids can come up with on their own with no adult assistance if you allow them to be...BORED! Again, allow me to present the facts: you had these kids, you chose to work/stay home, stop bitching about your life choices. Nobody gives a fetid shit that you have to chauffeur your kids all over town this summer because you enrolled them in every activity in the Parent's Press newspaper. I'm actually laughing my ass off at your expense...then contemplating whether I'd like to shank you or set you on fire.

Let's not forget the fact that it's hot. Nothing makes a mom crankier than heat in the summer...because it's so unexpected, right? Temperatures go UP in the summer? Who fucking knew? Pour yourself another frozen cocktail and shut your facehole. Status after status telling me the weather conditions in your neck of the woods alternately bores me to tears and irritates the living fuck out of me. "It's so hot and muggy and these kids are already driving me crazy and they've only been out of school for two days!" Shit like that has become the fungus of social media. Spreading like an STD in a whorehouse, every other status sounds just like the one I made up. Seriously?! Get a grip. The weather is rarely interesting, you know exactly what to expect and how to prepare for it, whether it be to throw more beers in the fridge or make a big batch of hot cocoa. The heat does not make your kids more annoying, your lack of ability to be a parent has created the monsters that live in your house. The weather didn't spoil and baby the crap out of them...you did.

As I look back on all the summers I've spent with my daughter, I don't ever remember complaining about the time I had to devote to her, spend with her, or listen to her voice. In a little less than two months, she is going away to college, and I cannot imagine my house without her in it. I'd love to travel back in time and be sitting on the living room floor playing dominoes or UNO with her, listening to her little girl laughter as she beat me yet again. If I could rewind the tape and be sitting in North Beach watching her play at the park after getting cappuccino at Caffe Greco and letting her spoon mouthfuls of the foam before I drank it, I'd give up a limb. Cranky, cunty, bitchy, poor excuses for mothers...listen to me, and listen carefully. They are not yours to keep forever. One day, they'll be grown and leave the house...and you. Enjoy each and every, sweaty, dirty, messy, unscheduled moment. Time passes in a flash and you don't get do-overs. Are you friggin kidding me right now???