1. Loud cell phone calls. Do I even have to tell you decorum dictates taking the call away from others or speaking in lower than usual tones? What I am finding more often than not, is people get on their phones in public and discuss the details of their life at top volume. Realize that when you are that loud, you've caught all of our attention and we are listening. We've stopped our own conversation and begun intently listening to yours. As you discuss your latest romp in the hay, we are quietly sipping our Starbucks and paying close attention to hear the details. When you are bellowing about the odd scent coming from your vajajay the day after that romp, we are still raptly hanging on every word...and now we are judging you and hoping we remember all the gory info to share with our friends later. Pipe the fuck down!
2. Standing too close at the checkout. Load up the belt with your goods and back the fuck up. Your cart shouldn't be bumping my ass, nor should you. I don't like strangers inspecting my groceries, the inside of my purse, and my hair while I am trying to make sure the dumbass cashier doesn't forget to take off all the discounts. You should never be so close that I can smell you. Your shampoo, your deodorant, and your breath should remain a mystery to me. When I am typing in my PIN number, you shouldn't be able to see where my fingers are on the keypad. Here's a good way to remind yourself the need for distance, unless you are going to pay for my shit, back the truck up and get out of my ass.
3. Letting it all hang out. We've discussed this many times before, yet I truly feel like you don't fully grasp the point. Clothing is meant to cover your naughty bits, top and bottom, front and back. Not that there's anything wrong with displaying some cleavage. Tastefully exposed can be sexy. However, sexy can turn to skanky in less than a few inches. If I feel like your nipples are going to jump out of your shirt because your tits have been shoved up so high into your neck with an ill-fitting bra, you've stepped across that line. I shouldn't feel suffocated by YOUR boobs...at a distance! The same holds true for men and the goddamn saggy pants. The prison look should have gone out of fashion my now and I'm not clear why it is still being sported by young men who should really know better. Holding your pants up by the crotch with one hand so that you can expose your boxers below your nutsack is neither attractive nor classy. There's nothing more uncomfortable than knowing that a flimsy amount of cotton separates me from seeing your sweaty ballbag. Pick your fucking pants up. Wear clothes that fit properly and cover your junk, it interests no one but you.
4. Sitting while the elderly or pregnant stand. Do I even have to say this? Your fat ass does not need the seat as much as someone who has been standing longer than you are old. Maybe you aren't aware of this, but pregnant women often have back pain and sore feet...they are carrying a lot of extra weight and it's mostly in one spot. That one spot forces their back to sway forward and eventually gets pretty fucking sore, trust me. Not only because I have scoliosis and a sway back already, you can leave my issues out of it. But because the extra human being inside pushes your spine to ungodly positions and adds weight to you that you aren't accustomed to carrying. Men, and women (sadly), I want you to think of every woman on the bus or train as your mother. Would you park your lazy ass and start looking through your emails on your phone while your mommy stood in front of you, holding on while the train knocked her frail body around as she struggles to stay upright? Since you know the answer is NO, treat others the way you want your mother treated.
5. Not speaking when entering a room or vehicle. When did this become the new norm? How can you be so rude and ignore the people who arrived before you? Did you hope to just slide in unnoticed and head over to a far corner of the room and sulk by yourself? Or are you one of those people who remain silent until you see someone you know? I don't give a blasted fuck if you don't know anyone in the room, greet the inhabitants anyway. They didn't do anything to you and they certainly don't deserve to be treated like invisible creatures because you weren't taught basic manners and common courtesy. I'm not saying you need to walk up to everyone and give them a big hug. There's no way I'd do that, either. But how hard is it to say hello and put a fucking smile on your face? By the way, the same holds true when someone pulls up in their car to pick your lame ass up to go somewhere. Don't just plop your ass in the passenger seat and shove your earbuds into your ears. They are wasting valuable gas by going out of their way to drive you to your destination, say hi to them, fucking cretin.
6. Pointing out when someone has gained weight. Seriously? Why on earth would you think that it was okay to bring weight gain to someone's attention? Do you honestly think they have no idea? Do you feel like you are doing them a favor by embarrassing them? Believe me when I tell you this, I am aware of every fucking pound as I pack it on. Even if I choose to attempt to ignore the ever climbing number on the scale, my clothing will remind me as I try to squeeze my fat ass into what no longer fits. There is never a reason to tell someone they got fat. I used to work with a woman who seemed to take great joy at noting the fluctuation of my weight and announcing to me that she noticed each and every pound. Once, she went as far as to pat my stomach at an all-staff meeting and tell me how fat it was. This usually outspoken, filterless broad was silenced. What can you possibly say to someone in front of others in a place where you are supposed to be behaving in a professional manner? She said it only loud enough for me to hear, so replying loudly was out of the question. I don't care if someone gained 100 pounds, it is never your place to point it out. They know and are upset with themselves. Don't make it worse, tactless cunt.
7. Getting on a train/bus/elevator when people are still getting off. The rule is off before on, it never changes, it's not situationally specific. Off before on, every time. The vehicle needs to empty out before adding more bodies, it's common sense. You can't squeeze 20 pounds of shit into a 5 pound bag. A bus that holds 50 cannot hold 60 safely or comfortably. Besides, when you've shoved your giant ass, purse, and other bags and crap onto the already crowded elevator, the people in the back who'd like to get out at your entry floor are now trapped like fucking rats. Back up, back off, and clear the way for those exiting before you clamor on like you are escaping a madman.
8. Strolling along on a busy sidewalk. This takes a little more advanced brain function to figure out. When the path is fairly empty, feel free to meander along at whatever pace you'd like, you're in no one's way. If the sidewalk becomes crowded and the pace begins to pick up...speed the hell up or get out of the way. Think about it. When sidewalks are crowded, there are only a few reasons this happens. Either they are filled with tourists, who annoy the shit out of me, but they are trying to find their way around and get to their predetermined tourist trap at a certain time...move out of their way. Or, it's rush hour and the people walking with you have an important destination...it's called work and they have a specific time they must arrive. Speed up or step aside but do not EVER walk slowly in front of them unless you want to plowed down. Maybe this is the New Yorker in me coming out, but I hate people who walk slowly, in general. I abhor them when I have somewhere I need to be and they are blocking my motherfucking way.
This is a very abbreviated list, I know, but I figured that if you needed to be reminded of how to behave in these situations, you aren't very bright and I didn't want to overload you with information. We can start here and move on at a later date. Common sense, courtesy, and good manners never go out of style. Use them judiciously and you will be welcome everywhere. Neglect to use them and expect that one day you will be elbowed or worse, shanked. These rules are non-negotiable. You live in a world with other people, people you may need one day, treat them with respect. If not, you'll find yourself hanging by a thread and instead of someone reaching out a hand to help, they'll be leaning forward with scissors to cut that thread. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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