If you dish it out, you'd better be able to take it

We've all heard some variation on that statement. There's always someone who can rag on others but the second someone calls them out on their bullshit, they are grotesquely offended. It's a fucking playground rule! Don't dish it out if you can't take it. Plain and simple. Some folks think they can act like total asswads and then if someone acts the same way, they become pissy and lose their shit. Guess what? Double standards suck ass and so do you. Here are a few things that people do that seem to be intolerable in others.

1.  Arrogance.  Don't you hate people who are know-it-all bastards? Aren't those that act like they are better than you and their shit smells like roses the most aggravating motherfucks on the planet? Then why do you do it? There is nothing that challenges my ability to bite my tongue more than arrogance. Perhaps I should let fly with what is really on my mind as they spew out what they want me to believe is the gospel and completely factual but is actually a giant load of steaming horse shit. Maybe I could just choke the fuck out of them? Since prison orange looks awful on me, and we all know how focused on my looks I am, I'll refrain from homicide. But I am beginning to lose my edit button with these shit stains. More often than not, they are totally wrong and sound like they are making it all up as they go along. Sounding uneducated, at best, these morons are always looking to show off their vast knowledge on every topic known to man. Nothing gives me greater glee than when they attempt to flex their brain muscles at someone who happens to be an expert on the topic, like when they motor on about medicine to a doctor. Ah, the sweet, sweet sound of their balls shrinking up into their stomach is so worth it.

2.  Rudeness.  What is it that gives someone the idea that they can treat someone poorly based upon the job they currently hold? I'm talking about people who are rude to service providers, waitresses, cashiers, bank tellers, salespeople in stores, mail carriers...anyone they deem less than educated. There is never an excuse to be mean to someone simply based on how they earn a living.  For many reasons, top among them is you don't know if they are working there because they got laid off from their very high-paid job and now are scrambling to make ends meet. Maybe they hold a master's degree in physics...but you'd never know that because they are busy trying to keep a roof over their family's head. Maybe they couldn't afford higher education and are quite happily doing what they like, working with people. People who treat them like an equal, not a servant, unworthy of a polite word. A little kindness goes a long way. Didn't your mother teach you that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar? Pay attention to your mother, asshole. She could teach you a thing or two about life.

3.  Moody.  So many folks these days change moods like I change underwear. It's like walking through a daily minefield and causes more stress than is ever necessary in my life. I'm not certain if it is the overuse of mood-altering drugs prescribed by well-meaning physicians or if it's simply because people are not equipped to handle the normal stresses of life because they were treated like veals as children. Either way, it's most definitely NOT my problem and I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells just to get through my day because you happen to be in my life. Yet, interestingly, if I were to burst forth with a perimenopausal mood swing, I'll bet Mr. or Mrs. Crankyass would notice and likely call me out on it. They'd probably tell me not to take MY shit out on them! While they may be absolutely right, they're also the biggest hypocrites breathing my air. It's never acceptable for anyone to take their moods out on another person. It's worse when you have the dangling ballsack to get pissed at me when you do it all the fucking time.

4.  Braggart. Isn't that a great word? Fun to say, awful to be one. Pisses you off when you encounter one of these lovely people, doesn't it? Rubs your ass so far in the wrong direction, you can actually taste your hemorrhoids. Yet, you do it every fucking chance you get. Oh, you'll deny it, that's for sure. But you are guilty as festering sin. My kid is so smart, so beautiful, so funny, so talented. My wife is the best cook, driver, tennis player, lover. I can speak seven languages, bake French pastries with one hand, build bookshelves with my eyes closed, and still have time to teach my children how to play the violin...professionally. Yes, I am perfect and so is everything in my life. Don't believe me? Check my Facebook and Twitter accounts, they will attest to that fact. But, holy mother of the sweet baby Jesus, if someone else attempts to announce something great about their day, Mr. BraggySack will lose his marbles. Christ on a cracker, there she goes again! He can't handle someone else being good at anything much less simply being happy or proud of something. A little too close to home and way too familiar for this fuckwad.

5.  Condescending.  Just as awful as being rude, talking down to people is one of the worst traits a person can possess. It's that tone, that fucking snide, nasty, bitchy tone that sets my teeth on edge. This person approaches everyone like they are stupid little children in constant need of correction. Lovely. While it's frustrating to deal with this type of asshole, for me, they are also the easiest to deal with...know why? Because they cannot stand to be spoken to that way! And there's nothing I like better when dealing with this type than to talk JUST LIKE THEM. Treating them the way they seem to love treating others, like a total fucking brainless idiot just tickles my tits. Nothing is more fun than watching the look on their face when you talk down to them exactly the way they just did to you. Seeing the steam shoot out of their ears and their faces turn beet red is worth the effort. Yeah, they don't seem to like it very much. Can't imagine why...they do it, so it must be okay.

6.  Dishonest. This is not your run-of-the-mill liar. Those are boring as fuck. I'm talking about the kind that lie to make themselves look good. The story embellishers, the kings and queens of inflated fabrications. The people who take a basic life incident and turn it into something worthy of the evening news. If all you said to the jerk who cut you off was, "You weiner," then when you relay the story, say so. Don't tell me you jacknifed your car in front of theirs, jumped out, yanked their door open, pulled them out, and punched them in the throat. Even if that version is way more interesting, it's not true. Save the word-weaving for some written fiction, not speaking to someone you consider a friend. Nobody likes to be bullshitted. Friends aren't judging the entertainment value of what you tell them, they are just interested in your life. Tell the truth, shame the devil...as my mom used to say to me when she thought I was being "creative" about something I did. Save your lies for some idiot who believes your long line of crap, it sure as hell isn't me.

If you act this way, don't expect any better from others. If you treat people like day old dogshit, you need to understand that they will do the same, in spades. If you act like an asshole, you can't hold others in your life to a higher standard. If you talk down to someone, know that you will be spoken to the same way by me or someone just like me. When you dish it out, you'd better be able to take it. Don't be a pussy. Those are playground rules, bitch, and they still hold true for adults. Are you friggin kidding me right now???