1. The Gamer. A very long time ago, I did partake in the ridiculous Zynga games offered by Facebook. They were time-consuming and fucking moronic. Yet, I did drink the Kool Aid at one point. Then, my brain began functioning at a normal level again and I realized how much of my day was devoted to my mafia and my farm. I quit all my games cold turkey and un-friended all my gamer buddies who were there only to serve as my pawns and provide assistance. Today, when I see people who spend an inordinate amount of time playing these mind-numbing games and filling my feed with nothing but requests, I all but lose my shit. If you want to waste the better part of your life being consumed by these games, have at it. Have a separate friend list for the other time sucks who actually play them, too, and post to their fucking walls! I've already used the block notifications function, don't force me to block you, as well.
2. Hyena/Serial Liker. You've undoubtedly seen this one on your feed. The ass clown whose only comment is LOL. Seriously, you have nothing else to say but that you are laughing at every post you see? Contribute to the thread and it will become even funnier. Saying LOL means you lack the vocabulary to have a conversation with a fucking toddler. When all you can muster is an acronym, don't bother. It's annoying as shit and frankly, I don't care if you are laughing. I don't exist to entertain you. Say something, like, "You crack me up!" That is a whole sentence, I know, which may be beyond your abilities. But try. For my sanity. Then, my personal favorite asshole, the serial liker. The person who trolls the feed and clicks like on every post they see, indiscriminately. I say that because I've see people "like" the death of someone's grandma! If you truly have nothing to say, don't. Because zipping down the feed clicking like on everything you see will eventually piss someone off...liking their unemployed status, for example? Actually take the time to read the posts and comment when applicable. Like a semi-intelligent adult...if you can. Otherwise, just read and move on.
3. Drama Queen/King. Sweet baby Jesus, Facebook has become the home of some seriously pathetic people as of late. Life is not usually that hard, yet this dumbass will post something every day that make is seem like they are living a nightmarish existence, are close to jumping off of a bridge, might kill someone, and is definitely always crying. If your life is truly that bad, perhaps you should spend more time trying to fix what's apparently very broken rather than sitting for hours on end in front of your computer lamenting about it to people who don't give a rat's furry little ass. Sometimes the overly dramatic will be intentionally elusive in order to ensure they get the most air time and by extension, the most comments. Some of my faves are: UGH, Heartbroken, Life Sucks, and Whatever. May I suggest therapy? Maybe some prescription medication? You aren't going to fix your life by posting about it on Facebook. Especially when people like me are sitting on their fat asses, drinking a cup of joe, and laughing like fools at you!
4. The Attention Whore. This is the not-so-distant cousin of the Drama Queen/King. Facebook is filled with this type of douche canoe. We've discussed this one ad nauseum, but I don't think I am reaching this window licker. The incessant selfies are enough to make anyone want to burst into a technicolor yawn, but they don't stop there. They, too, post their latest gripe or whine just like the Drama Queen/King. But it's never quite as dramatic or meant to tug on your heart-strings. It's there to get your attention. And they are very practiced at this move. A simple dramatic or sad song lyric is all it takes for this broad's friend list to blow up and start commenting with questions like, "Are you OK?" and "What happened?" Mission accomplished! Attention gained! Bitch, please. If you had real live friends, and something was wrong, you'd be on the goddamn phone with them instead of posting leading stati.
5. News Reporter. Every friend list has several of these characters. Never a personal post to be found, these people insist on bringing us the news, as it happens. While I do understand if you find an article that expresses something that you feel personally strongly about and want to share it. Certain topics are very intense and incite feelings in us that we absolutely have to share. I get it, I do it. But, when you find yourself posting the local weather every morning and every lost dog, garbage strike, and traffic alert...sit on your hands if you must, but just STOP. If we want the news, the TV is available to us while we are getting ready for work in the morning and we can tune in to the latest local and world happenings if we choose. Save your time and energy for something important, like Zynga games. Of course, I'm being facetious. Get a fucking life.
6. Google Genius. Not too bright, but this person can sure Google information and post it as though they were his own thoughts. We all know this person. In fact, we went to school with him, so we know he's not the sharpest tack in the box. Yet, sit his ass in front of his laptop, and watch the information diarrhea take place all over Facebook. Factoid after factoid instead of normal status update, he fills your feed with shit you don't care about. Hell, he doesn't care about it, he only wants to appear smarter than a box of rocks. One day, I'm going to upset his brainy little apple cart and ask detailed questions about a couple of his heavily-Googled posts. Then, we can all laugh as he scrambles to formulate an intelligent response to a question regarding a topic about which he knows less than nothing! Ahh, the simple joys.
7. Preacher Man/Woman. Lordy, lordy. There's at least one in every friend list, and each one more annoying than the last. I don't care if you practice organized religion, are a Buddhist monk, or an atheist. We are all entitled to freedom of religion or lack thereof. Worship to your little heart's desire. Attend daily masses and read the Bible every night. Everyone has that right. What you don't have the right to do is pontificate all over my fucking Facebook feed. I was born and raised a Catholic, still am, but with slight differences of opinion on a few topics. I do my own thing, in my own way, and none of you are the wiser. Why? Because unlike Jehovah's Witnesses, I will not jam my religious beliefs down your throat. Nor will I clog up your happy time online with thousands of Bible quotes and opinions of the church in an attempt to make you feel like a heathen. It's not my job to convert you, nor is it to save your sorry ass. The same goes for you, Facebook Jesus. Stop posting all sorts of religious drivel all day, every day. We all know what a sinner/whore/horrific person you were before Facebook hit the scene. Pretending you are holy now does nothing but solidify your standing as a hypocrite, as well.
8. Creeper. This person reads Facebook all day long, but you'd never know it to look at the feed. Never posts, never comments, never even LIKES a status. They don't necessarily want you to know they stalk your wall and the walls of most of their friend list. The truth comes out on the day something interesting crosses their screen and they can discuss at length everything they've read, including the comment thread. Fucking stalker freak. Just drop a like or a "I smell what you're steppin' in" here and there or you will be persona non grata on my friend list and the friend list of most of the people on Facebook. Nobody likes a snoop and that's all you are when you refuse to participate. It's a game, goddamnit, play it or get off the playground!
These are just 8 of the people you'll run into on Facebook. There are quite a few more and feel free to add to my list in the comment section. I've left some out intentionally to test your people skills. My expectations are quite low as I know you aren't the brightest crayon in the box. Some of these people make me want to drive a nail into my own eye. I'd rather it be theirs but the whole prison thing scares the bejesus out of me. Social media is a game for adults and as soon as you all learn the rules, the more fun we can have. If you can't seem to cooperate by following these rules, I won't hesitate to kick your ass out of the sandbox. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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