Is Twitter the new phone call?

Sounds absolutely ridiculous, doesn't it? Yet, I am finding out very personal information about people I barely know on social media sites. Way back in the day...when I was a mere child and even beyond into my 20's and 30's...when we had something important going on in our lives, we picked up the telephone which was attached to the wall in the kitchen, dialed the number or numbers of the people closest to us and spoke to them about the situation. It was intimate, personal, and very private. If we knew we were going to see some of the folks we wanted to announce our news to, we'd wait to see the looks on their faces when we told them in person. We'd scream, laugh, cry, whatever suited the moment and the news. But never do I recall friends or family renting out a billboard on Queens Boulevard to pass along news of a personal nature. It wasn't done.  Lacking in taste, class, decorum, and plain common sense, people could discern between what was personal and what was, indeed, private. Fast forward to 2013. Every goddamn thing that goes on in someone's life is fodder for social media sites. Once again, I've compiled a list...this time of topics that are meant to be shared with those close to you in a fashion befitting the situation. Generally, this means either via an actual phone call or in person, distance and time permitting.

1. Engagement to be married. When a couple makes a decision to spend the rest of their lives together, it does eventually become public knowledge. The first day the woman shows up at work with her new diamond securely on her left hand's ring finger, her colleagues will surely know and congratulate her in person. When the man sees his co-workers and tells them he popped the question and she actually said, "yes," they will surely high-five him and bro-hug and do whatever it is men do to and with each other in a congratulatory situation. Prior to that, she will have called her parents and best friend. He will likely have done the same. Very personal, very quietly. I shouldn't find out, along with 400 of your never-before-met "friends" that you have become engaged by seeing a photo of a hand bearing a ring on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. It's tacky as fuck and lacks any form of class whatsoever. Much like most of the crap people do on social media, it's a total attention whore move and meant to make the person posting it feel loved and validated. I come so close to feeling pity, and then I just laugh at their stupidity.

2.  Getting married. This falls under the same category as number 1 in that it's something that if you do it privately, such as elopement, it should stay that way with the exception of the close friends and family that didn't join you on your whirlwind trip to the chapel. Afterwards, you can tell your other friends and family via telephone or professionally printed announcement, should you be seeking gifts...which I would totally understand, especially if it's your first wedding and you have nothing to contribute to your new household. Of course, closely following would be the announcement to your co-workers as you regale them with the amazing tale of your very exciting nuptial adventure. This is yet another thing I should not become privy to along with your 5,000 Twitter followers who are only there by the mere fact that your hashtag heavy tweets alerted the site to inform them that you share some fucking interest in common. Here's a dose of reality...they aren't your real friends. They wouldn't come running if you needed a ride to the hospital, they won't bring you tampons and chocolate when you are PMSing, and they certainly wouldn't hold your hand if someone close to you died. Oh sure, they'd tweet and post all sorts of  comforting words to look as though they actually give a huge pile of horse shit. Sadly, they don't really fucking care.

3. Relationship endings. Another thing I shouldn't find out as I sit down to peruse the various social media sites to which I belong. If we are close friends, I would have already known it was coming down the pike and I certainly would know that you filed for divorce. Why on earth do people announce these things online? Are you looking for a virtual pity party? That's about what you'll get. Pseudo-comforting words typed in haste in order to be a sympathetic joiner in your ridiculous search for compassion. Do you really feel better when you read a comment on your status that says, "I'm so srry...(((hugs)))"? What the fuck does that do for you? Particularly when you barely know this person outside of the context of online banter. Call your best friend and schedule an ice cream and drinking night. That's where you'll get actual understanding, warmth, and the personal touch you seek. Stop behaving like a sniveling little shit stain online.

4.  Pregnancy. Finding out that you are pregnant by seeing a post of a photo of the inside of your uterus is not how I'd like to find out if we are good friends. I'd like to think that you would tell me using your own voice about something as huge as bringing a new life into the world. When you tell the entire online world in that way, you are detracting from the event and the beauty of it's humanity. Does reading "Congrats" and "congratulations to both of you" over and over and seeing the number of LIKES jump by virtue of the fact that you have friended everyone on the planet, regardless of whether or not you've met or will ever meet, make you feel cherished and surrounded by a blanket of love? Then you are fucking ass clown. These people wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Accept the fact that these folks are the equivalent of characters on a TV show who happen to have the ability to type words on your timeline or feed. The reality is, you have no one in your life that cares enough for you to require picking up the phone and dialing their number to share the good news. Get a grip on reality, moron.

There's nothing more fucktarded than seeing these posts online. Let's keep private matters where they belong, between you and the people closest to you. Blasting this shit all over the internet only makes you look like a desperate-for-attention loser. Pick up the goddamn phone and call your mother! She is one person who actually wants to know what's going on in your life and cares about you enough to listen. The rest of us, the Twitter followers, the Facebook friends, the Instagram followers...not a single fuck will be given on our end when you post the most intimate details of your life in an attempt to feel popular. We really, truly do not care. Are you friggin kidding me right now???