I've compiled yet another list for you, one that will help guide your posting, tweeting, whatthefuckever patterns from here on. Do NOT overshare these items.
1. Kid stuff. While it's fine to post cute pics of your kiddos, we all love to watch them grow. It's not cute to post pics of them on the toilet and then the ensuing underwater aftermath. Nor is it acceptable to tell us about their nose-picking habit, public farting joys, or that they found their penis today and had the most adorable boner. This is how I'd like you to proceed... ask yourself, will this guarantee that my child requires years of extensive therapy should he read this post in ten years? If the answer is yes, and I promise you that 9 times out of 10 it will be, step away from the fucking computer!
2. Your diet. I don't mean that you shouldn't announce if you've joined Weight Watchers, going public helps you stick to the program. What I am referring to is, I don't need to know every time you take a bite of food or a sip of a drink. Telling me it's coffee time is one thing...I'll always agree with you. Announcing to the world that you've just had a sip of the most delicious Venti Iced NonFat Caramel Macchiato made for you by your favorite barista, Juan, who is just so HAWT and here's a photo of me drinking it, attempting to look sexy...is no bueno. Sharing a photo of you with your mouth wide open about to take a bite of a cookie is not why social media was created. We don't want to see your dental work, your tonsils, or your pores and wrinkles if it happens to be a selfie. Unless you are overcoming an eating disorder and it helps your mom in Canada to see that you are actually consuming food and not hurling it into the toilet, there is no justification for this behavior.
3. Mundane photos. Here I go judging your choices, again. But the thing is, I'm trying to help you stop humiliating yourself publicly. What were you thinking when you decided to ask your son to take a photo of you in the kitchen, posing seductively with a whisk and a bowl while wearing a frilly apron and captioning it, "Making dinner for my beautiful family"??? Were you thinking at all? Beyond scarring your son for life, you've made a mockery of what many women do for their families on a daily basis without seeking applause from strangers...because isn't that what you are doing when you post that photo to Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter? You want us to ooh and ahhh. You want us to "like" your photo and comment about how damn sexy you are and what a great mom we believe you to be, even if we don't mean it. I suppose it's simply because you are an attention whore. Do you really want to be any kind of whore? Think about it.
4. Drunkness and hangovers. Realizing that the internet will never go away and that photos you post have the potential to be around for your great-great-great-great-great-great-grandkids to view, why the fuck would you post a photo of your alcohol-soaked escapades? Is that the legacy you want to leave behind? Not to leave out the next day's status update apprising us of your pounding headache, light-and sound-sensitivity, and need to spew your guts out every ten minutes...that's also quite attractive and mature. While we all know that heavy drinking leads to a vicious hangover, we don't need to hear about yours. Especially if they are happening frequently and you are over 25. Maybe you haven't considered that your employer could find these pictures and decide that you are bad for the company image. Maybe you haven't considered that your potential employer could also access these posts and decide not to hire the 45 year old drunken former frat boy. Making an ass out of yourself online is never recommended.
5. Doctor/patient confidentiality. For those of you who love to share every x-ray, mammogram, blood lab, ultrasound, and prescription, enough already! Let me tell you why. These facts and photos are meant for medical professionals and your significant other...and no one else. For many reasons, not the least of which is that there are those with weak stomachs who can't handle even hearing about a needle much less see the resulting bandaid on your forearm. Not so for me, I happen to adore blood, guts, and gore. However, this leads me to the other reasons, like it's nobody's business what's going on inside your fucking body. If you are considering posting photos of your colonoscopy, don't. It's your asshole, it's private, and none of us are that interested in the deep, dark depths of your shit chute. The same holds true for the inside of your uterus. Showing your close friends your pregnancy ultrasounds is a beautiful way of sharing an intimate joy. Making it your profile picture...and I've seen MEN do this...is horrific. For every 8 week old fetus I see gracing someone's Facebook wall, I am tempted to post a photo of my favorite fibroid just to keep up. Unless you want me to do that, save the anatomy and physiology for those licensed to give a shit.
6. Sexcapades. Yes, you read that correctly. How many of you are guilty of talking about how you can't wait for your partner to come home so you can get sweaty? Even if only one of you raises your hand, that is one too many. That kind of information conjures up horrific images in my already overactive imagination, and I can't unthink them...ever. After reading your status, I know that in 3 hours, you and your spouse are going to be pants-less and touching each other's uglies. Dear God, that is far too much for me to handle.We all know that our coupled-up friends DO IT, we just don't want to know when and how. There's an unwritten rule, a code that must be followed with regard to this topic. Don't ask, don't tell. Follow the goddamn rules, pervy motherfucks.
7. Bodily functions. Everyone Poops, by Taro Gomi, is the title of a very famous potty training book for young children. And yes, everyone does pinch a loaf now and again. The exact date and time need not be shared with the entire internet. This goes for eating franks and beans and apprising us of how many times your partner ass blasts later that night. I'm sure they don't appreciate the total disclosure and I know I don't. The color of your nasal drainage is something you should discuss with your doctor, not your Twitter followers. More and more frequently, I'm finding that people are anxious to share each and every bodily eruption and evacuation.What drives this desire, I haven't the foggiest fucking clue. Why it should stop is clear. After reading all of your disgusting and vile status updates about you and your family, I am unable to look at you in person without eye-rolling and thinking about how absolutely foul you actually are. It may actually prevent me from being in your presence again. For some this may come as exciting news, for others...it may cause brief disappointment. But I can assure you, if I feel this way and am telling you, there are others who feel the same but are giant pussies and won't open their mouth to say so.
Let's keep it light and fun from here on out. Sharing is caring, I know, but oversharing is annoying as fuck and turns friends into angry ex-friends who are so ashamed to admit that they even know you. We've discussed oversharing before and it seems that either you've forgotten, and if you're my age, that's possible. Or, and here's what irks my vaj, you've decided to ignore me. Being ignored makes my blood boil and I start daydreaming about different ways to go Dexter on your ass. Sadly, I feel as though I've been ignored. So, today, I took a deep breath and sat down to try to help you sorry fucking attention-whoring ass-munches. Commit these to memory, write them on your bathroom mirror, or tattoo them on your forehead. I don't care how you do it, but do it. Follow the goddamn rules if you don't want to die alone. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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