1. Screaming children. No one knows better than I do that children scream. Children are loud. They love the sound of their own voices and all the fun things it can do. I get it. I really do. But there is a time and a place for all things, loud little snot rockets included. One of those places is definitely and most certainly not a restaurant in which I am dining. Nothing jars me out of my happy place, which is eating, more than the fingernails on a blackboard sound of someone's spawn shrieking at the top of their lungs while the parents do nothing about it. I realize that kids will erupt like the little asshole volcanoes they are at the most inopportune moments. It's what YOU do directly thereafter that counts. Realistically, you should have trained your little monkey how to behave in public, but they are volatile and will test limits, I know. As soon as you start to hear that God-awful sound, grab the little fucker by the hand and lead them outside. Do whatever it is you do to show them the error of their ways and return to your seat with a better version of what fell out of your vagina.
2. Barking dogs. I love all animals great and small. I really do. I've had more pets and have loved them all equally. I love my girls, Becca and MJ, like they are my other daughters. So, don't go all animal activist on me. By the way, I hate you extremist mother fucks. Moving on before I get distracted...oh look, a butterfly. Barking dogs are cute on the end of their leashes held by their mommy or daddy. I love to pet them and get little doggy kisses. However, when I am in my home, and your little furball is letting out all of his or her verbiage for the day at top volume, penetrating my very thin walls, and annoying me and the cats, I no longer like your dog. As a matter of fact, I am envisioning all sorts of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things. This is not like me at all. I do not like the visions that pop into my head. The image of me grabbing Fluffy by the scruff and drop kicking him across the parking lot is not pleasant to me. But, you...you have the ability to erase this image. Doggies can be trained, just like children, to be quiet...obedient. Do it. Do it now, do it quickly.
3. Cutting people off on line. This one should be obvious! No cuts. You learn this in kindergarten. When the bell rings and you line up, you fill in behind the last person you see. No fucking cuts! You get pushed if you do. And you know what? You deserve it. It just frosts my cookies to see some grown ass person approach a line from the side, seeing another person making a direct course to the aforementioned line, and thrusting their cart in front of the person in the right of way, cutting the line. WHAT THE FUCK?! You saw the other person, I know you did. You acted with malice aforethought. My attorney followers will enjoy that reference, but it's true! How dare you think you are more important than someone else in such a grotesque manner? Moreover, what in your little pea brain made you think it was perfectly fine to do it to me? It's a fucking playground rule, douche canoe. You just don't cut. Others may allow it, keep quiet, hold back. Not me, baby. I will let you know how you've wronged me...loudly. Don't make me discipline you. Mommy should have years ago. I'm not your mommy.
We've only scratched the surface today. There are many more areas where you fail. Don't worry, I'll tell you all about them next time. I wouldn't leave you hanging like that. I am a kind and compassionate person who doesn't want you to walk on this earth acting like a buffoon any more. I've taken on this job to help you. A job I take very seriously because you annoy the living fuck out of me and I am this close to hating you. This close to junk punching you. Don't think I won't. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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