Deck My Balls

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Silver Balls

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Fantastic Kwaanza! It's been way too long since I've shared my musical stylings with you and I know you've been craving some holiday tunes. Let's start with a Christmas classic:

Silver Balls

Geriatric older fellows
Dressed in baggy plaid pants
In their drawers
There's something that's

dangling.
Children laughing
People pointing
Testes swing to and fro
And from every street corner you'll see

Silver balls, silver balls
Geriatric sex in the city
dangling, see them swing
soon they will be on the ground.

Sexy old broads,
Even young chicks
check out his stretchy junk.
As his nuts do a dance in his trousers

See them bobbing,
See them bouncing
Like great big gray balloons
He's the stud of his rest home,
my dear.
Silver balls, silver balls
Please show him your saggy titties.
Jiggle them, wiggle them
Soon he will be in his grave!

Holiday Letters: What I'd Really Love to See in My Mailbox!

Since I've had the opportunity to share with you my version of the shit that I find in my mailbox every holiday season, I wanted the chance to give you an idea of what I'd prefer to see. I've thought long and hard about this, I've had years to contemplate it. Really, it's quite simple. Tell the truth. I hate the sugar-coated, ultra-padded, decorated with glitter version of anything. The real deal is always more entertaining...at least to me. I'd hope it would be for you, as well. Not that I care. Without further fumpfering around, here's my Christmas wish. A holiday letter I actually want to read!

Dear Person I Don't Talk to All Year Long But Feel the Need to Share Shit with Now That It's Christmas,

The Batshitcrazi Family has had a rollercoaster of a fucking year! Where to begin? Well, I suppose I'll tell you about my darling hubby. Joey lost his job, again. Been out of work for over 8 months and he's slowly driving me out of my fucking head. Thank God I have two jobs so I don't have to be home to watch him sitting on the couch, scratching his balls, and watching cartoons. He has perfected the art of farting to music, so I guess he can add that to his resume. Should get him a good-paying job real quick! He still doesn't take out the garbage or flush the toilet after he pisses all over the seat. I told him he should use this time to practice clean bathroom habits...like actually peeing into the toilet. I even bought him the little targets you get for boys who are potty training. He's having way too much fun! I think celebrating by peeing on the wall is taking it a step too far, but he says I'm being a tight ass. Why bother talking?

Joey, Jr. has had a fantastic year so far in school. Only 9 detentions and 6 notes home. I've only visited the principal TWICE! Such a good boy. He's learning so much. Like how to cheat on tests without getting caught; how to "borrow" someone else's homework; bullying kids who won't tattle; and my personal favorite, stealing really cool stuff from the backpacks of unsuspecting young schmucks. My boy! At least there wasn't the threat of Juvie this year. No cops at the door. No phone calls from irate parents. I'd say Joey is growing up to be a fine man, just like dear old dad.

Rosemarie is my pride and joy. Not the sharpest tack in the box, but so freaking beautiful. I told her to marry well, it's just as easy to love a rich man as it is to love a poor one. It's also smarter. I guess I'm a fucking moron. Anyway, Ro is blossoming into a fine young lady. The boys are falling all over themselves trying to date her. Joey, Sr. sits there in his wife-beater and sweats when they come over attempting to look tough to scare them. He's just a breathing "Stay in School" advertisement. Meh, who listens? Rosemarie is considering beauty school after she graduates high school. We think it would suit her perfectly, and think of the free haircuts! A little selfish, but these little brats owe us. The sacrifices I make for her to have her nails done and hair straightened...I could look like a model, but who'd notice in this house?

Thank God Nonna likes the new home she's in. The last two were a nightmare...for us. These places should be like maximum security prisons, the old people are expert escape artists. Especially Nonna Fortunata. This woman could have walked out the front door of San Quentin and waved goodbye to the guards. What a pain in my ass this woman is. Do you have any idea what it's like to get a call at 2:30 in the morning telling you that your grandma got out again, but don't worry, we found her at her favorite watering hole??? It's a good thing she likes to booze it up, makes her so much easier to find. This new place really makes her happy. She says the food isn't poison and the male nurses are so nice to her. Translated, that means they give good sponge baths. What a dirty old lady! So embarrassing, but she says at her age, you have to take the action wherever you can get it. OY! Do you know how hard it is to visit her there? I have to wear dark sunglasses so nobody recognizes me. A curse on me that I look just like that woman.

My days are filled to rim with work. Mornings at Walmart and afternoons at Dollar Tree. By the time I get home, all I want to do is grab that bottle of Two Buck Chuck and a straw. But, I don't. Everyone needs something from me. I'd swear they were all mentally challenged and helpless. Change the goddamn channel yourself! You'd think I taught them nothing. Joey, Sr. is a product of his own mother's fuck ups. Don't tell her I told you this, but she spoiled the shit out of all her kids. Is it any wonder they are like this now? I tell you, she is the cause of all my problems. I could be a stay-a-home mom if she taught him that actually keeping a job is a good thing! That woman makes me want to pull my hair out. God forbid I say anything negative about her to Joey. You'd think I pulled his heart out with a dull spoon through his mouth. Big baby, that's what he is.

Here's to a great holiday season and wishing you and yours a fantastic New Year! Good luck to all of us in 2015, I know we'll need it.

Love ya!
Antonella Marie and the Batshitcrazi Tribe

Take this as a guide for writing the perfect holiday letter. One that everyone on your list will anxiously await and read over and over again. I'll be checking my mailbox...maybe I'll even share it here, if you're lucky. That's a fucking joke. I'll just read it on the phone to my friends. Share it? Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Holiday letters...stop the insanity!

We all have at least one person in our otherwise normal lives that sends these bad boys out. Some folks know how to word them in an interesting fashion, keeping my attention, and entertaining me with the ups and downs of their lives. I appreciate these letters as they keep me up to date with people I may not do a bang up job of keeping in touch with the other 364 days of the year. However, and I say this with the utmost seriousness, there are others who should step away from the laptop, grab a pen, and write out a regular fucking Christmas card. I'll send you some red and green pens, keep it festive. To open one of these and just know that you are going to start to dry heave, makes the whole holiday start to smell like crap. Christmas is a bit crappy for me anyway since my kid no longer believes in Santa...ok, so she's 19, but you get my point. Being a household of adults takes away some of the magic. Enough whining. Back to the topic at hand, which is those fucking, ridiculous holiday letters that only serve to be a bragging list of how faaaabulous your life and family are. Here's my rendition of what a holiday letter sounds like:

Dearest Friends, Colleagues, People I've Met Once and Consider My New BFFs, and Everyone in my Outdated Phone Book,

This year has been EXTRAORDINARY for the Fullofshitski Family! It's been a wild ride of good fortune and it's time for me to shove it down your throat, while you are wondering how you'll pay for all those lovely gifts you bought on credit, tucked neatly under your fake ass tree. Let me start by telling you all about my wonderful husband! Jim has been promoted six times this year...complete with the massive salary bumps along the way. We are fucking rolling in it and we couldn't be prouder of his accomplishments. The extra cash doesn't hurt, either. I now throw him a blow job once or twice a week to show my undying gratitude for the ability to maintain my mani/pedis and frosted hair. It's gross, but hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. He's working 75 hour weeks and leaves me with plenty of time to shag the pool boy. Which is fine since his secretary spends more time on her knees than in her chair doing actual work.

Moving on to our lovely and perfect children. Taylor is on the honor roll, dean's list, and playing five sports, all while holding down a full time job. How does she do it? Must be the coke habit. I hear it gives a fantastic amount of energy. Thank the Lord for Jim's latest promotion, cocaine can get pricey. But when you factor in the fact that she helps out by selling crack to her equally wealthy friends at The Waldorfia Bentley School for the Gifted and Rich, it doesn't seem so challenging. What an enterprising and helpful girl we've raised. She's sure to go far!

Preston is our boy wonder. There isn't anything he can't do. He just returned from helping the homeless in Jamaica, Queens. The hobos greatly appreciated his donations of the Help Wanted sections of the newspaper along with his recommendation to get off your ass and get a job. He's so thoughtful. Brings a tear to my eye just writing this to all of you. He's been accepted into every Ivy League school on full scholarship, and now has to make the challenging decision of which one to grace with his presence. Any school would be lucky to have him. He's sitting with a map right now, calculating the distance from home to each of them and laughing maniacally...I have no idea why. Such a good boy!

Little Frances Philipa is our pride and joy. She's only 8 and has already mastered four languages, plays the concert piano, and tutors the unfortunate in calculus. What a wonderful little girl we have on our hands. Slim and pretty, always smiling. She truly is a gift from God. Her modeling career has really taken off since she became anorexic. The contracts keep coming in, left and right. Thin is in!!!

My days are filled with so much selfless work. I visit the elderly and read to them every other day. They seem to really enjoy Fifty Shades of Grey. The looks on their faces are priceless, although I'm not sure what that long, irritating beeping sound is while I am reading to them or why the nurses come running in and rush me out. I am reading to these very lonely folks, thank you. Anyway, when I am not providing joy to the old folks, I am very busy playing tennis with my instructor, Hans. He says I have very good form and a fantastic ass. He should know, he holds it tightly every class and after class when he teaches me more about balls. This year I have done quite a bit of baking for my children's respective schools' functions. The rave reviews and sincere thanks mean so much to me. I don't even mind the work I put into it. After a bottle of wine and a pot brownie, I have no idea how much time has passed.

I hope this letter finds you and yours doing at least half as well as we are doing. Which, as you and I both know, is impossible. But as a good Christian wife and mother, it is my duty to wish only the best for you.

Cheers,
Sterling Quinn and the Fullofshitski Family

You are probably thinking that I am being a bitch. Why yes, I am. And nothing grates on my ass cheeks more than receiving a letter that leaves out the truth behind the lies. This one expresses both and I think you have to agree, it's far more palatable than the ones you'll be opening this Christmas. I can't be wrong. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Get it Straight, Domestic Violence is Very Real...and Not "God's Plan"

What the fuck is Janay Rice talking about? When is punching a woman God's plan for anything? Maybe I am ignorant religiously, although I think 12 years of Catholic school makes me somewhat of an expert on the topic. Not that I want to go all militant Catholic here, but I'm sure in all religions we can agree, no deity would want someone to hurt another person to make a point. I'll stretch it one step further and say that no human would truly believe that it is a good thing to be knocked out so that others will not repeat the mistake. Mrs. Rice is clearly stupid...was she also high when she gave that interview? Who says shit like that? Of course, someone will cry racism while reading this. Fuck you, too. Did I say anything about her race? No, I didn't. I said she was stupid. She'd be a moron if she was green with purple stripes. Yes, being knocked out by your husband is a fine example of what an asshole he is...not a vehicle to raise awareness. When she said this, did she realize how it made women who are really abused, who are fearful in their own homes, who can't say or do anything about it because they have children they are protecting feel? Did she know that it was like a knife being plunged into their hearts?

Shaking my head as I type this, I wonder what the fuck went through her head as the words fell out of her mouth. Domestic violence is a very real part of the lives of many women...and men. Something they don't want to talk about. Something that paralyzes them with fear, keeps them from maintaining friendships, at times prevents them from working, destroys self esteem, and creates scars both inside and out that last a lifetime. This is a topic very close to my heart and I take it very fucking seriously. There are no jokes to tell, no snide commentary today. I have nothing snarky to say this time. It's a horrific existence for both the abused and their children. The children suffer, too, in case you weren't aware. We are helpless to begin with, coupled with the fact that we are watching the person we love the most being treated like garbage...you can't imagine the scar tissue that builds on the heart of a child who has witnessed it. You should never know the internal pain and heartache it causes. You should never know it because it never ends. It's a lifetime of hurt that doesn't go away.

Do you have any idea what the abused person is thinking, is going through, is feeling? No, you don't and you can't. So, when you nod your head knowingly at what Janay was saying, believing you completely understood her plight and what had happened, you are simply making a jackass out of yourself. Unless you've been abused or witnessed abuse, you just don't know. Not forgetting the fact that what she said was utter nonsense and no abused woman would ever say that...ever. Her fucktardedness makes me wonder if she's one of those limelight whores who used this incident to make herself sound like a martyr to gain some sort of public acceptance, to explain away why she stays with an abuser. Don't for a second think that this was an isolated incident. Don't for a second believe this was the first time he was abusive in any form of the word. If a man can knock his fiancee out in a public place, with the possibility of being seen, do you realize what has happened behind closed doors? Do you know the things he's said to her? The horrible, degrading, cruel words that have shot out of his mouth like verbal poison...leaving emotional scarring that will be with her forever. There's not a doubt in my mind that he's already used his hands on her in an unkind way. Not a shred of uncertainty that she's been shoved, grabbed too tightly, smacked...kicked. Trust me when I tell you, this was not the first and will not be the last time she is hurt by this animal.

Let's see Ray Rice for the piece of shit he really is instead of trying to sweep it under the rug so he can maintain his superstar status as an athlete. "One bad night" my ass! Are we really supposed to believe he had so little self control that an argument sent him reeling to the point of actually punching his wife out? How stupid does the American public look to you, shitheel? Actually, now that I think about it, we have some window licking morons living in this fine country. I'm sure many of them have fallen for this line of bullshit hook, line, and sinker. Bunch of ignorant bastards! Why can't we believe that someone in the spotlight can also be a total douchebag? Nobody is perfect, why should a movie star, politician, or athlete be any different? We put these assholes up on pedestals so high, it's impossible to bring them down. Fuck that. They screw up just like everyone else. Sometimes worse because they believe they are immune to the same rules and standards as the rest of us. Let's hold them accountable. Let's hold him responsible for his actions...the one we saw and the ones only his wife knows about. He needs to know that what he did, what he does is unacceptable and we are not going to tolerate it by keeping him up on that goddamn pedestal any longer. Knock him the fuck off of it. Do you think showering him with adulation will help him? Do you really think he's going to stop? Are you friggin kidding me right now???