Holiday Letters: What I'd Really Love to See in My Mailbox!

Since I've had the opportunity to share with you my version of the shit that I find in my mailbox every holiday season, I wanted the chance to give you an idea of what I'd prefer to see. I've thought long and hard about this, I've had years to contemplate it. Really, it's quite simple. Tell the truth. I hate the sugar-coated, ultra-padded, decorated with glitter version of anything. The real deal is always more entertaining...at least to me. I'd hope it would be for you, as well. Not that I care. Without further fumpfering around, here's my Christmas wish. A holiday letter I actually want to read!

Dear Person I Don't Talk to All Year Long But Feel the Need to Share Shit with Now That It's Christmas,

The Batshitcrazi Family has had a rollercoaster of a fucking year! Where to begin? Well, I suppose I'll tell you about my darling hubby. Joey lost his job, again. Been out of work for over 8 months and he's slowly driving me out of my fucking head. Thank God I have two jobs so I don't have to be home to watch him sitting on the couch, scratching his balls, and watching cartoons. He has perfected the art of farting to music, so I guess he can add that to his resume. Should get him a good-paying job real quick! He still doesn't take out the garbage or flush the toilet after he pisses all over the seat. I told him he should use this time to practice clean bathroom habits...like actually peeing into the toilet. I even bought him the little targets you get for boys who are potty training. He's having way too much fun! I think celebrating by peeing on the wall is taking it a step too far, but he says I'm being a tight ass. Why bother talking?

Joey, Jr. has had a fantastic year so far in school. Only 9 detentions and 6 notes home. I've only visited the principal TWICE! Such a good boy. He's learning so much. Like how to cheat on tests without getting caught; how to "borrow" someone else's homework; bullying kids who won't tattle; and my personal favorite, stealing really cool stuff from the backpacks of unsuspecting young schmucks. My boy! At least there wasn't the threat of Juvie this year. No cops at the door. No phone calls from irate parents. I'd say Joey is growing up to be a fine man, just like dear old dad.

Rosemarie is my pride and joy. Not the sharpest tack in the box, but so freaking beautiful. I told her to marry well, it's just as easy to love a rich man as it is to love a poor one. It's also smarter. I guess I'm a fucking moron. Anyway, Ro is blossoming into a fine young lady. The boys are falling all over themselves trying to date her. Joey, Sr. sits there in his wife-beater and sweats when they come over attempting to look tough to scare them. He's just a breathing "Stay in School" advertisement. Meh, who listens? Rosemarie is considering beauty school after she graduates high school. We think it would suit her perfectly, and think of the free haircuts! A little selfish, but these little brats owe us. The sacrifices I make for her to have her nails done and hair straightened...I could look like a model, but who'd notice in this house?

Thank God Nonna likes the new home she's in. The last two were a nightmare...for us. These places should be like maximum security prisons, the old people are expert escape artists. Especially Nonna Fortunata. This woman could have walked out the front door of San Quentin and waved goodbye to the guards. What a pain in my ass this woman is. Do you have any idea what it's like to get a call at 2:30 in the morning telling you that your grandma got out again, but don't worry, we found her at her favorite watering hole??? It's a good thing she likes to booze it up, makes her so much easier to find. This new place really makes her happy. She says the food isn't poison and the male nurses are so nice to her. Translated, that means they give good sponge baths. What a dirty old lady! So embarrassing, but she says at her age, you have to take the action wherever you can get it. OY! Do you know how hard it is to visit her there? I have to wear dark sunglasses so nobody recognizes me. A curse on me that I look just like that woman.

My days are filled to rim with work. Mornings at Walmart and afternoons at Dollar Tree. By the time I get home, all I want to do is grab that bottle of Two Buck Chuck and a straw. But, I don't. Everyone needs something from me. I'd swear they were all mentally challenged and helpless. Change the goddamn channel yourself! You'd think I taught them nothing. Joey, Sr. is a product of his own mother's fuck ups. Don't tell her I told you this, but she spoiled the shit out of all her kids. Is it any wonder they are like this now? I tell you, she is the cause of all my problems. I could be a stay-a-home mom if she taught him that actually keeping a job is a good thing! That woman makes me want to pull my hair out. God forbid I say anything negative about her to Joey. You'd think I pulled his heart out with a dull spoon through his mouth. Big baby, that's what he is.

Here's to a great holiday season and wishing you and yours a fantastic New Year! Good luck to all of us in 2015, I know we'll need it.

Love ya!
Antonella Marie and the Batshitcrazi Tribe

Take this as a guide for writing the perfect holiday letter. One that everyone on your list will anxiously await and read over and over again. I'll be checking my mailbox...maybe I'll even share it here, if you're lucky. That's a fucking joke. I'll just read it on the phone to my friends. Share it? Are you friggin kidding me right now???