New Facebook Rules

What used to be an adult playground has turned into a nightmarish hellhole filled with braggarts, bitches, whiners, and assholes. That's right, I am talking about Facebook. Perhaps I've gotten old, maybe I've gotten crabby, or, and here's the likely scenario, I have become irritated by the stupidity that surrounds me and need to say something about it. Not only do I want to voice my opinion, I want to help you to help me NOT kill you. Before you say, "Thank you," remember, I said it was to help me, it's all about me.  Due to my intolerance for assholishness, I've comprised some rules for you to follow from now on.

1. Photos are a lovely way to share what's going on in your life. Baby pics are adorable and are a great way to share your new addition with those who live far away. But please, I beg of you, leave your ultrasound out of the montage. I don't, and I know many of my friends don't want to see the inside of your wife's uterus, even when there is a fetus residing in there. Wedding photos allow those who couldn't attend your gala occasion to share in the festivities from across the miles. Limit them to under a dozen. We've all been to weddings, we know what happens. All we are interested in is the bride's dress, her flowers, and if your reception venue is snazzy. Even photos of a particularly successful homemade dinner are welcome in my world, as we all know that my love for food runs deep. But, seriously, every time you enter the kitchen, leave your iPhone in another room. Clearly the temptation to share every meal you create is too great to have your little buddy with you. Vacations are great, share a few well-chosen pics to represent the trip. If you feel it necessary to show us every stop you make along the way, put one of you into the photo. People are far more interesting.  Photos of you and your friends out on the town are great. Always nice to see someone having a good time. Posting photos of you sloshed and dressed like a fucking teenager when you are most definitely middle-aged, tacky as hell. I don't care how fit you think you are, you are old. Nobody wants to see your ass crack, your thong, your cellulite riddled thighs, or your aging titties stuffed into what even Victoria can't keep secret. Think classy, not trashy.
2. If you have a cold, a headache, a hemorrhoid, and really, truly HAVE to announce it...do it and be done with it. Those who care will express the appropriate amount of pity that you seek. The rest of us will roll our eyes, scroll down to find one of those funny "I fucking love science" pics and take another gulp of coffee. Do keep the pity parties to a minimum. Hallmark has not created invitations for them, therefore, you shouldn't be hosting them. Certainly not with such frequency. I'll let you in on a little secret, everyone has had a cold.  Most of us have had sinus infections, bronchitis, the flu, and a hemorrhoid or two. Some of us have even had migraines. Yes, migraines. We know exactly how you are feeling with all of your maladies and can empathize. Don't force us to tut tut and there there virtually each time you are "suffering" from one of them. And before your sensibilities get offended, I don't mean those of you who truly feel like shit, and rarely ever complain about it. You will receive ample amounts of empathy from me. The others...you know where you stand.
3. OH.MY.GOD did you really have a bad day? Was Murphy's Law written exclusively for you? Are you irreparably damaged by the driver who cut you off, the painter who showed up late, the egg that broke on the kitchen floor, and the cat vomit on your bedspread? Or is it possible that you can laugh about it? Well, if you can't, can you at least attempt to make ME laugh about it? Sometimes putting a humorous spin on an event can help you climb out of the wallowing pool you seem to enjoy diving into and put you into a better frame of mind. I'm not your therapist, I can't fix your misery. Only you can. Stop swimming in misery and develop a sense of humor, for Christ's sake. None of us go online to be dragged down by your shit, we actually have our very own shit.
4. Did your significant other give you a gift? Holy shit! No fucking way! Please, post a photo quickly, don't make us wait to see it. For those too dimwitted to understand, that was glaringly obvious sarcasm. A very good friend and I have always discussed this topic and the other day she sent me a Tweet from Ochocinco that summed up our shared opinion, "Women don't like roses, they only like to show them off to their co-workers." And truly, isn't that why men send them to your place of work? They look like heroes, make the other women's guys look like douchebags, and the women look pampered and fortunate to have such a hero in their bed. In reality, if a man wanted to impress you, and only you, he would walk through the door with those flowers and hand them to you himself. Following that line of thought, if you were appreciative of his gift, wouldn't you say thank you directly to him? Saying it on a social media site can only be construed as bragging, not gratitude. 

These are just a few that come to mind today. Stay tuned for another installment. You didn't think I was done with you, did you?  Are you friggin kidding me right now???