Your online gushing causes my projectile vomiting

With the passing of Valentine's Day, I feel it necessary to aid and assist you yet again with your social media bad habits. Now I know you love the one you're with at the moment, it is abundantly clear to all of us. Lucky are those who find their true soul mate and fall in love. Some of you may never do that, some may fall in and out of love over and over throughout their lifetime. However, there are a select group of you who haven't the foggiest fucking clue what love is and are making complete and total asses of yourselves shouting from the rooftops about your deep and abiding love story. I did make my Facebook status encapsulate this opinion the day after V-day and seemed to have offended some folks who are in very short-lived, unmarried relationships. Without criticizing the relationships of those offended parties, just yet, I would like to point out that even if you were married for a year or so, you would still be in the honeymoon phase and have no clue what the fuck real love is even if it junk punched the living shit out of you.

While those in brief, whirlwind relationships took offense at my post, those in long-lasting, loving ones actually liked it and handed out some kudos to me for saying what everyone else was thinking. And isn't that why you love me? Sometimes I think you take offense when I hit a nerve. Most times, I know I am right. The truth hurts and I dole it out with a big assed serving spoon. I am only trying to help you, open your eyes to what's real and what you imagine in that pea-sized brain of yours. Ignorance isn't always bliss and lying to yourself will eventually bite you in the ass. Lying to us only serves to raise our hackles and alert us to the fact that you think we are stupid enough to believe your long line of shit. Allow me to squash that ridiculous nonsense right here, right now. Not only do we not believe you, but we are far more intelligent and educated than you believe yourself and we are laughing at you. Heartily and with great abandon.

As I read yet another sappy, gushing post, I have to wonder who it is you are trying to convince? Since we've already established that the rest of us aren't buying what you're selling, I can only surmise that you are doing this crap to convince yourself that you do, indeed, have something real and worth celebrating.  If you have to convince yourself about anything, a decision, a haircut, a relationship...you've made the wrong choice. Second guessing, buyer's remorse, whatever term you'd like to assign to what it is you are feeling, shouldn't happen if you are with the right person and are truly in love. There should not be a single moment of doubt when you are with your true love. Hence the excessive amount of convincing taking place all over my fucking feed wouldn't be there if you had found Mr./Ms. Right. You've found Mr./Ms. Right Now. If I've disappointed you, oh well. It's not my job to make you happy...that's on you, jackass.

Having an insane need to post about how much you love your partner, how wonderful they are, how good-looking you find them, how they treat you like royalty, and that you are the luckiest son of a bitch in the world should embarrass the shit out of you. I know I feel embarrassed FOR you when I read it. Thinking, "Aw, poor dumb shit. They really believe this? Nah, that's ridiculous. Oh wait, there's another! Yeah, they really are fucktarded. Poor sap sucker" every time I read one of your overly lovey dovey posts and wondering if I can shank you through the computer to stop the insanity is not fun for me. And if I'm not having fun, I can assure you that all the others being subjected to your profusion of shit aren't either. Abundantly clear that you have no idea of what you speak, we read your crap with a little pity, a little bewilderment, and a buttload of disgust.

Those of us in real relationships will tell you that being in love and loving someone are two totally different things and that actual love comes much later than the racing heartbeat, butterflies in the stomach feeling of being in love. You can fall in love at first sight. Loving that person, really loving them selflessly comes much later on in the journey. Sharing experiences both good and bad, plodding through the mundane everyday tasks together, and allowing that person to be themselves without either trying to change them or trying to become them are the hallmarks of what loving someone is about. Unless you've been through at least one medical emergency; one real scare; a death or two; a move or two, or three; meddling in-laws; fighting like cats and dogs; not speaking...and coming out on the other end stronger, you are still in love with the idea of love. This can sound sanctimonious and bitchy, and so be it. Facts are facts.

People who have been a really long relationship can tell you, love is the little things peppered by the huge motherfuckers. Remembering to put the toilet lid down, having breakfast ready so the slow poke of the two can putter along in the morning and still get to work on time, giving a back cracking bear hug every morning so I can actually move the rest of the day, scratching an itchy back multiple times per night even when it ruins my nail polish, carrying an aspirin just in case, and little things like that show love much more effectively and appropriately than a Facebook post. Holding your wife as she screams and cries over the loss of her mom, holding his hand in the ER as a lifesaving yet excruciatingly painful procedure is happening, letting her rant and rave when she feels overwhelmed even if it means some of the barbs are being slung at you, giving him space to process a really shitty day at work and knowing when he is ready to talk...are some of the big mofos, the hurdles you will cross and arrive safely on the other side with scars making the relationship that much stronger. But you haven't been there, you just don't know. You think you do, and that's sad and pathetic.

Think before you post. Aren't some things better said in private? Telling me you love your mate doesn't pack quite the punch that telling her directly to her face while gazing into her eyes has, and frankly, I don't give a rat's ass if you love her or simply want to bang her. Compliments mean a whole lot more when said to the person you are admiring. Once again, telling me you think your significant other is hot does nothing for their ego. Unless you are just showing off...in which case, allow me to apprise you of a very important fact, you are the only one who gets the vapors looking at them. If someone else thought so, you'd have competition, and your relationship couldn't handle that anyway.

To recap, if you are only shouting your love from the mountaintop one day a year, it can't be as great as you proclaim. When you gush like a lovesick puppy all over social media land, you look like a fucktarded teenager pissing on their territory or worse, like a pathetic middle aged buffoon trying to convince themselves that regular sex with the same person constitutes lasting love. None of us gives a fetid shit how you feel, especially when the meaning of the word love isn't at all understood by you, yet you attempt to educate the rest of us by waxing poetic about your perfect relationship. If after ten or twenty-five years, you still feel like announcing how great your mate is, have at it!  I'll personally high five you.  But should you do it when the paint is still fresh on the union, I'll be forced to high five your face.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???