Women Make the Worst Friends...Let's Fix That

Do you fall into the category of "I don't have very many female friends because I hate the drama" or do you surround yourself with a flock of sisters? I have fallen into both and everywhere in between over the years. The sisterhood feels good when times are good and everyone is getting along...and gossiping about the same people, hopefully on the outside of the group. As soon as one falls out of favor, gains weight, dates an asshole, or God forbid has some measure of success that outshines the rest of the girls, look out! The claws extend and BitchFest2014 can start in the blink of an eye. Why are we like that? Why the fuck can't women be truly good friends and support each other? I haven't the foggiest fucking clue, but I do know that is why many fall into the first category and have more male friends. I know that's why for a good portion of my life, I did. Lose a pound, get a good boyfriend, have a good hair day...and the fake smiles and jealousy rage on like a plague. It's a great reason to have cats. No judgement...out loud, at least.

Let's go over a few types of female friends, see where you fall, and then beat the stupid right out of you.

1. Instigator/Shit Disturber:  You know exactly to what and whom I am referring. The crazy bitch who can't leave well-enough alone. The cunt who thrives on drama and if it doesn't exist, she's hell-bent on creating it. What the fuck is her issue? She just wants to be in the center of a shit storm. Telling you all about what your mutual friend may or may not have said about you, getting your feedback and passing it along behind your back to the mutual friend and a few more. Oh, the joy she gleans from the venom being spewed from everyone else's lips. She stays clean as a whistle because, if you pay very close attention, she never once injects her opinion on the topic. She's simply sharing information she feels you NEED to know. Dear God someone shut her up before all hell breaks loose and the hair-pulling starts!

2. The Frenemy:  Oh, we all have them. Hell, most of us have been one at some point or another. The frenemy loves herself, you...not so much. She will tell you she does, right before she cuts you down. The insult wrapped up in a left-handed compliment. Starting to sound familiar, yet? "Only you could wear ugly boots with that outfit and totally rock it." Isn't it fun to be around someone who can simultaneously build you up and knock you down in the same sentence? Sometimes it's so cleverly done, you don't even notice it. She's very good at sliding the barbs in between the layers of bullshit frosting. In her mind, it's justified because she's only trying to be helpful. Not that she ever wants you look or be as good as she perceives herself to be...but she wants you to think she does. Aw, I just want to hug her so hard around the throat.

3. The Attention Whore:  I do not deny being this one...at least sometimes. The joy of all eyes being on me, all ears straining to hear my next brilliant and hilarious word is intoxicating. In my head, I hear thunderous applause. Then reality hits and I look around and see that I'm in my living room with my family. Whatever. In any event, I can relate to this bitch very closely. I am that bitch. Not that I don't enjoy listening to others and their stories, because I truly do. My friends are funny as fuck and they keep me laughing like no one else can. But there are broads who cannot share the limelight, not for a millisecond. Wanna talk about me, wanna talk about I...I Wanna Talk About Me, by the amazing Toby Keith captures this chick with a great beat. Sometimes, every once in a blue moon, someone else has a contribution to the conversation and should be permitted a moment or two in the spotlight. It's hard but sometimes you actually have to shut the fuck up.

This has been part one of two. You didn't really think I was done? There are far more infractions of the woman friend code and I intend to not only make you aware of them, but to knock them the fuck out of you so we can all start to be the kind of friends we want to have. Do you want to become a lonely old bitch? Moaning and griping to the four walls and your cranky cat? Not me. I am going to be that crazy old broad surrounded by equally crazy friends.Just watch me! Are you friggin kidding me right now???