Our very "special" friends

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Pushing and shoving, rolling around on the floor like caged baboons, shrieking like banshees, making oddball noises, competing for who made the coolest and loudest sound...ah, the thrills of childhood. Except, what if those behaviors were uncontrollable?  What if that wasn't the joyful noise of childhood, but the plaintive cry of the differently abled? Funny, right? Fuck no, it isn't. Could you imagine for one moment being completely unable to stop sound from erupting from your lips? What about having hands that won't move the way you want them to in order to pick up a crayon? How about if you wanted to make a new friend but you couldn't because you are too hard to understand? Sucks moldy balls...yet there are children and adults who live this reality everyday. Still feel like snickering?

Those you with your own children will understand how it feels when someone makes a snide comment about them or makes fun of them. You know the stinging pain of watching them on the playground, head down, having no one to with whom to play. Having held your child as they cry because they were teased at school for having the wrong jeans or notebook, you understand what I am taking about. Imagine feeling that way everyday. Parents of children with special needs know this agony and have to live with it while wearing a huge smile. Why? Because their children need it. All kids look to their parents for cues about how to behave, how to react. If that child saw their mom crying, they'd not be able to stop and hold their head up high ever again. They'd believe that there was a genuine reason to cry, a reason to be ashamed of who they are.

These parents wear themselves out going the extra mile to build self-confidence in their children. Self-confidence that can be stripped away by just a few cruel children...or worse, their parents. That's right, I said their parents. Guilty as fucking sin, I've heard parents laughing, seen them pointing at children who were different or not perfect in their eyes. Those parents couldn't handle a child like that, they aren't strong enough and certainly not worthy of that child. As though their little, spoiled, disrespectful, entitled-feeling brat is somehow better than that poor child they mock. How so? I challenge you to give me valid proof. What makes someone who will eventually become a rotten, mean-spirited, selfish adult better than someone who may remain a child mentally, but be a beautiful human being with nothing but love and respect for everyone they meet? Exactly nothing, douche bag.

Working with children, every once in a while I am fortunate enough to come across one of these children of whom I speak. I say fortunate and I truly mean it. They are unlike all the others in the classroom, like none of my "favorites" yet I feel drawn to them, and they to me. My co-workers tease me, calling me a magnet for these kids. Maybe I am. Maybe I feel safe. I'll never really know the reason. I do know that I have a special place in my heart for these little guys, in all their out of control, hard to understand, yet wonderful and energetic glory. Many of you may not understand the appeal, the draw. That's ok, but don't you dare, for one moment, stand there and ridicule these sweet little souls. They may be draining as fuck, but I'll still muster up enough oomph to kick your dumb ass. You don't deserve the unconditional love and acceptance they have to offer. Your loss is my gain, prickless piece of dog shit.

Those of you with children who are mainstream, who are totally "normal" by educational standards, who need nothing but time and love from you, thank your lucky stars every single day. Most of you wouldn't know what to do with anything else. Some of you may have given him or her up for adoption, unable to face your supposed "failure" as a parent. A few, those who are soulless and heartless, would have chosen to end that child's life early, in utero, claiming that you are saving them from a life of heartache, and then try again for a NORMAL baby. There's nothing normal about exterminating someone because they aren't who you wanted them to be, not what you expected. It's sickening. You sicken me. Imagine if your mother could have had amniocentesis before you were born and was able to determine that you would grow up to be a total fucking bitch while you were still a fetus? She could have had your ass sucked out of her and tried for a nicer daughter. Oh, did that sound cruel and inappropriate? Too goddamn bad...you don't edit yourself or your opinions either, or I wouldn't know about them. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

You might be insane

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Based on that, I can say with all confidence that my cat is insane. Even without that definition, I may have said the same about her. What baffles the shit out of me is how many of you would also fit that definition. The question I have for you is WHY? Why do you insist on repeating the same mistakes? Do you really believe that repetition will sway things in your direction? If you trip every time you wear flip flops, why do I still see you wearing them? Do you like face-planting on a regular basis? My guess is that you do or you'd change your goddamn shoes. Of course, if I say something to you about it, I'm the crazy one. I may be crazy, but I don't wear shoes that make me fall.

People who can't seem to get out of debt yet won't change their spending habits make me laugh. Don't cry to me that you don't have enough money to go out when I see you buying yet another tech item or fancy pair of pants. Do I look as fucktarded as your behavior? With the state of the current economy, many of us are in the same boat. We aren't making quite as much as we used to and so have had to cut back in several areas of our lives. Those of us with a functioning brain know that this means cutting back on frivolous spending. I've noticed that many of you don't know what constitutes frivolity. Things that are not necessary for basic survival are considered frivolous.  I'm not saying to cut out all forms of recreation, you'd really go nuts, and we have enough loons out there without you adding yourself to the list. But how about switching from shopping at Nordstrom's to enjoying the lower prices at Old Navy? Perhaps you can brew your own coffee instead of making the folks at Starbucks richer at your expense? Or continue to cry about your lot in life while carrying that brand-new Louis Vuitton...dumbass.

Do tell me again how you are fighting the battle of the bulge with that venti, five pump, full-fat milk, cinnamon dolce latte in your fat little fingers. Yes, I can see how it would be difficult for you to drop some poundage. Oh yes, you do try so hard, eating those 2,400 calorie taco salads for lunch instead of a healthy sandwich. I know it sucks to be heavier than you'd like. I'm there right now. I'm not complaining because I know I am there of my own doing. You, on the other hand, think that  a pound of pasta for dinner is perfectly fine as long as you throw some broccoli on it. I see. So, if there's a bit of greenery, the whole dish is lo-cal. The scary thing is, you've been eating like this since I have known you. Always on a diet and waiting for Jesus to come and remove the pounds through the power of prayer, I suppose? Haven't you noticed that if you keep eating the same shit, your size doesn't decrease? Maybe you don't know the difference between healthy and hype. Pounding down three or four 100 calorie packs of wafer thin cookies is not helping your waistline. You won't stop, though, will you? Waiting for empty calories to finally mean zero calories, you'll keep making those dietary mistakes, and moaning about your fat ass. I'll just rock mine for a little while longer, while you cry in your beer.

Aw, do your kids show you no respect? Gee whiz! Are you still negotiating with them regarding things about which they have no choice?  Might you still be asking instead of telling when you are giving a directive? Do you end every fucking request with the mind-numbing "ok?" like they have a choice to tell you no, it's most certainly not ok with me? I know, I know!  You've forgotten who the parent is in that relationship! It's the only logical reason I can come up with to justify the pansy-ass way you deal with your out-of-control children. Why else would you let them run rough shod all over your fucking ass rather than taking them in hand and letting them know who is the boss in your house? Perhaps it's fear that they won't like you anymore. Psst, come closer, I have secret to tell you. Your job isn't to make them like you, it's to effectively raise your child to become a functioning and respectful member of society. Fucking moron!  You didn't give birth to your bestie, you pushed out your child, the person who depends on you to make sure they aren't a bratty, entitled fucktard.

People only treat you the way you allow them to, and when you don't speak up, the abuse continues. When you whine and bitch about the fact that your significant other doesn't respect you, and you still don't demand it, my level of sympathy drops to a negative number. If he leaves the toilet seat up and you constantly put it down, he is not going to take the hint that you want HIM to do it. He is going to think it's YOUR job. When she blasts the TV, giving you yet another migraine, and you retreat to the bedroom to escape the noise, she doesn't know that the onus is on her to lower the fucking volume. Open your yap and tell her to lower the goddamn volume because you don't want another headache! When you continue to repeat the same passive-aggressive patterns, you are only hurting yourself. Their behavior isn't going to change and you will still be pissed off. Say something already! Jesus H. Christ, are you insane?

I'm not a psychiatrist, but I play one on the internet. Actually, I don't claim to be anything but smarter than you. I've laid the groundwork for your self-improvement. It's on you to pick up where I've left off and fix yourself. Stop banging your head against the wall expecting the next time to not hurt. Common sense can't be learned, it must be practiced. Start practicing, ass clown! Wouldn't you rather have NO reasons to complain? I'd much prefer being happy than insane. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Your online gushing causes my projectile vomiting

With the passing of Valentine's Day, I feel it necessary to aid and assist you yet again with your social media bad habits. Now I know you love the one you're with at the moment, it is abundantly clear to all of us. Lucky are those who find their true soul mate and fall in love. Some of you may never do that, some may fall in and out of love over and over throughout their lifetime. However, there are a select group of you who haven't the foggiest fucking clue what love is and are making complete and total asses of yourselves shouting from the rooftops about your deep and abiding love story. I did make my Facebook status encapsulate this opinion the day after V-day and seemed to have offended some folks who are in very short-lived, unmarried relationships. Without criticizing the relationships of those offended parties, just yet, I would like to point out that even if you were married for a year or so, you would still be in the honeymoon phase and have no clue what the fuck real love is even if it junk punched the living shit out of you.

While those in brief, whirlwind relationships took offense at my post, those in long-lasting, loving ones actually liked it and handed out some kudos to me for saying what everyone else was thinking. And isn't that why you love me? Sometimes I think you take offense when I hit a nerve. Most times, I know I am right. The truth hurts and I dole it out with a big assed serving spoon. I am only trying to help you, open your eyes to what's real and what you imagine in that pea-sized brain of yours. Ignorance isn't always bliss and lying to yourself will eventually bite you in the ass. Lying to us only serves to raise our hackles and alert us to the fact that you think we are stupid enough to believe your long line of shit. Allow me to squash that ridiculous nonsense right here, right now. Not only do we not believe you, but we are far more intelligent and educated than you believe yourself and we are laughing at you. Heartily and with great abandon.

As I read yet another sappy, gushing post, I have to wonder who it is you are trying to convince? Since we've already established that the rest of us aren't buying what you're selling, I can only surmise that you are doing this crap to convince yourself that you do, indeed, have something real and worth celebrating.  If you have to convince yourself about anything, a decision, a haircut, a relationship...you've made the wrong choice. Second guessing, buyer's remorse, whatever term you'd like to assign to what it is you are feeling, shouldn't happen if you are with the right person and are truly in love. There should not be a single moment of doubt when you are with your true love. Hence the excessive amount of convincing taking place all over my fucking feed wouldn't be there if you had found Mr./Ms. Right. You've found Mr./Ms. Right Now. If I've disappointed you, oh well. It's not my job to make you happy...that's on you, jackass.

Having an insane need to post about how much you love your partner, how wonderful they are, how good-looking you find them, how they treat you like royalty, and that you are the luckiest son of a bitch in the world should embarrass the shit out of you. I know I feel embarrassed FOR you when I read it. Thinking, "Aw, poor dumb shit. They really believe this? Nah, that's ridiculous. Oh wait, there's another! Yeah, they really are fucktarded. Poor sap sucker" every time I read one of your overly lovey dovey posts and wondering if I can shank you through the computer to stop the insanity is not fun for me. And if I'm not having fun, I can assure you that all the others being subjected to your profusion of shit aren't either. Abundantly clear that you have no idea of what you speak, we read your crap with a little pity, a little bewilderment, and a buttload of disgust.

Those of us in real relationships will tell you that being in love and loving someone are two totally different things and that actual love comes much later than the racing heartbeat, butterflies in the stomach feeling of being in love. You can fall in love at first sight. Loving that person, really loving them selflessly comes much later on in the journey. Sharing experiences both good and bad, plodding through the mundane everyday tasks together, and allowing that person to be themselves without either trying to change them or trying to become them are the hallmarks of what loving someone is about. Unless you've been through at least one medical emergency; one real scare; a death or two; a move or two, or three; meddling in-laws; fighting like cats and dogs; not speaking...and coming out on the other end stronger, you are still in love with the idea of love. This can sound sanctimonious and bitchy, and so be it. Facts are facts.

People who have been a really long relationship can tell you, love is the little things peppered by the huge motherfuckers. Remembering to put the toilet lid down, having breakfast ready so the slow poke of the two can putter along in the morning and still get to work on time, giving a back cracking bear hug every morning so I can actually move the rest of the day, scratching an itchy back multiple times per night even when it ruins my nail polish, carrying an aspirin just in case, and little things like that show love much more effectively and appropriately than a Facebook post. Holding your wife as she screams and cries over the loss of her mom, holding his hand in the ER as a lifesaving yet excruciatingly painful procedure is happening, letting her rant and rave when she feels overwhelmed even if it means some of the barbs are being slung at you, giving him space to process a really shitty day at work and knowing when he is ready to talk...are some of the big mofos, the hurdles you will cross and arrive safely on the other side with scars making the relationship that much stronger. But you haven't been there, you just don't know. You think you do, and that's sad and pathetic.

Think before you post. Aren't some things better said in private? Telling me you love your mate doesn't pack quite the punch that telling her directly to her face while gazing into her eyes has, and frankly, I don't give a rat's ass if you love her or simply want to bang her. Compliments mean a whole lot more when said to the person you are admiring. Once again, telling me you think your significant other is hot does nothing for their ego. Unless you are just showing off...in which case, allow me to apprise you of a very important fact, you are the only one who gets the vapors looking at them. If someone else thought so, you'd have competition, and your relationship couldn't handle that anyway.

To recap, if you are only shouting your love from the mountaintop one day a year, it can't be as great as you proclaim. When you gush like a lovesick puppy all over social media land, you look like a fucktarded teenager pissing on their territory or worse, like a pathetic middle aged buffoon trying to convince themselves that regular sex with the same person constitutes lasting love. None of us gives a fetid shit how you feel, especially when the meaning of the word love isn't at all understood by you, yet you attempt to educate the rest of us by waxing poetic about your perfect relationship. If after ten or twenty-five years, you still feel like announcing how great your mate is, have at it!  I'll personally high five you.  But should you do it when the paint is still fresh on the union, I'll be forced to high five your face.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Are you a lady?

Some females have lost sight of what it means to be a lady. I say female because I question their womanhood, as well. Gone are the days of overt femininity, which isn't offensive in itself.  Flowing skirts have their place in the heat of the summer, but I do prefer a well-fitting pair of jeans the rest of the time. Feminine wiles are not the thing in question today. Some women eschew makeup and hair product, and while I don't necessarily find it attractive, appropriate, or acceptable in the workplace, it's a choice and we have freedom of choice. Making a little effort with regard to your presentation is always appreciated by the rest of us. That being said, whether you apply your makeup with a paint roller or only use ChapStick, you can still be a lady either way. Being a lady isn't all about how you look...nowadays, though, it seems to be the focal point.

Class is something that a woman must have in order to be a lady, without it, you are cheap trash. People have forgotten what class means and have become so fucking embarrassing to watch in action. Behavior trumps all the bullshit verbiage you can spew, hence, being nice to my face, on my feed, or wherever means absolutely nothing when you ignore my birthday, for example. The ability to move on after a disagreement is one trait that a real lady possesses, in spades. Holding onto a grudge, being a bitch, and treating someone like shit because they don't share your opinion is most definitely NOT ladylike. Harsh, brutal, and plain old fucking rude, perhaps, but not behavior befitting a lady.

Drinking a fancy drink at a pricey bar at a snazzy hotel does not make you classy. Maybe you have good taste in watering holes. Or maybe it's how your date impresses you while getting you shitfaced so you'll fellate him later. I'll never know the real answer, but you do. Somehow you believe that if you are impressing us, we will think better of you as a person. Guess what? Things, money, excess...are all bullshit. I've been at both ends of the spectrum, broke as dirt and living the high life, and all areas in between. What I can tell you is this, money does not make you better than someone else, and lack of it doesn't make you worse. Cash doesn't buy class. Excess of any good thing usually turns people into douche canoes. Feeling all high and mighty, throwing Benjamins around the room like confetti, acting like Queen Shitheel, only brings out your inner twat for all of us to see...and hate.

Speaking of fancy watering holes, when you do enjoy your expensive drink, try not to make a complete and utter ass of yourself while doing so. What do I mean by this? Funny you should ask. Flouncing around like a dipshit on crack, shaking your ass for all and sundry, posing for photos that you should have taken 20 years ago when gravity hadn't met your titties, only serves to prove my point. Class is crucial to being considered a lady. Behaving like a dime-store hooker ain't classy. Yet, you do it, over and over, sharing the photos with everyone in social media land. Remember social media land?  There are rules, and sharing pics of you acting like the frat house hoe, breaks several of them. Please refer back to them and print them out ASAP, you are humiliating yourself.  While you provide hours of entertainment, enabling us to watch you self-destruct publicly, may I suggest that you curtail any further horrific displays of ass clownishness?

One more thought comes to mind regarding ladylike behavior. People in glass houses should abstain from throwing stones. Why am I saying this? Because I've noticed that many who consider themselves to be ladies are standing in judgement of other females as though they have any right to do so. How they dress, how they sit, and the list goes on. What these supposed ladies don't realize, is that their behavior is in glaring opposition to the ladylike view they have of themselves. Acting trashy, being bitchy, criticizing innocent girls...let me segue here...when you judge a young lady, you are capping on someone's daughter, and I take great offense at that. Not only am I someone's daughter, but I have a daughter who does appear to be older than she is, and would be subject to the harsh judgement of some of you cunts who think you are so above everyone else. My daughter is more than capable of cutting bitches like you down to size, but she shouldn't be forced to do so.

Getting back to my point, and I do have one, your ill-mannered, nasty, judgmental, bitchassness is coming across as the most unladylike crap I have ever witnessed. Furthermore, women who choose to bed hop, gold dig, and sleep with married men will never be considered a lady, even when they use tons of hair product, makeup, perfume, nail polish, and sit up straight with their legs crossed at the ankles and tucked under the chair, Catholic school style. Don't ever presume to think you are a lady. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

New Facebook Rules: Part 2

With so many buffoons out there in social media land, it becomes increasingly more necessary to begin enforcing rules to ensure the sanity of the rest of us. Luckily, you all have me to assist in this capacity. I have no problem laying it out in black and white, dumbed down as far as I can possibly take it without drawing pictures, and passing along my wisdom to you.  Without further ado, here are the rest of the rules as I see fit to share and hope you help me enforce.

5. We all have opinions and we are entitled to them. We are also allowed to express them, according to the constitution, without inciting a riot. Posting that Jack in the Box french fries suck moose balls is an opinion.  Not one likely to incite a riot, but perhaps a spirited debate. Usually people don't get too offended by opposing food preferences. Telling us that voting in an election is challenging because you don't feel either candidate is worthy of your vote is actually fine because, face it, most folks would agree with you and you aren't taking a staunch stance on either side.  But when you decide to express yourself loudly and proudly all over fucking social media land about political issues that you know damn well are touchy, like gun laws and abortions, and you are asking for all the virtual junk punches you get. Since we've already gone over this in grotesque detail, delineating each and every topic that is verboten outside of the safety of your home, I shouldn't have to include this rule.  Yet, you continue to break it, so I am forced to repeat myself, which I HATE.  Don't make me shank your jejunum.

6. Nobody likes a braggart. That should be simple and easy to understand, but yet, I see vast amounts of vomit-inducing self-aggrandizing as well as shoving the minor achievements of children down my throat.  While I am certain you are quite proud of yourself for that twenty-five cent an hour raise, and you should be since raises are few and far between in this economy, there are some folks out there who are still seeking gainful employment and have been for some time. Rubbing your success in their noses is the eptiome of bitchassness. If your life is wonderful, God bless you. Should you be free of stress, sickness, financial hardship, petty bullshit, or things of that nature...be thankful not boastful. My mom would never brag about me when I was a child, she believed in malocchio (the evil eye), which was brought about by the jealousy of others. How better to make someone jealous than to wax poetic about the perfection of your child? I had straight A's all through school, yet nobody ever knew about it...nobody but my parents. For this reason, I rarely post any of my child's achievements.  You don't give a shit, and I am fully aware of that. Those who do, will know. The rest won't.  Don't over-share.

7. You got a new haircut, color, eyebrow wax, lip color...fanfuckingtastic! Wear them all in good health. Don't flood my feed with a photo montage of it!  Trust me when I tell you, none of us care. Plus, when you don't post pics, we won't have to feel obligated to comment on them. We were all told that if we don't have anything nice to say, not to say anything at all. But in social media land, it becomes obligatory to "like" or express some sort of positive comment on a friend's photo, particularly when it is of themselves. Putting this kind of unnecessary pressure on a friend is cruel and unusual. The fact is, you don't want the truth. What you are looking for is validation that you've made the right choice regarding your appearance.  Your self-esteem is so low, you seek ME out to make you accept yourself. Bad choice. Most of the time, consider yourself fortunate that I still listen to the echo of my mom's voice inside my head.

8. Some conversations are meant to be private. Sorry to be the one to pee in your cornflakes, but someone has to, and my thimble-sized bladder is ready. You may love the shit out of your boyfriend or girlfriend, they may be the light of your life, the air in your lungs, the wine in your glass, the weed in your bong. Beautiful, tear-jerkingly beautiful. However, unless it is their birthday or your anniversary, posting vomit-inducing stati on your wall and theirs for God and all to see is about as mature as a hormonally-driven middle schooler with a raging, unrequited crush. As a grown ass woman, I can assure you that love is best expressed in private, face-to-face with that person. Gushing like a school-girl or -boy all over social media land is extraordinarily immature and is similar to the more animal version of this behavior...pissing on your territory. Resembling a virtual hickey, the nonsense you subject the rest of us to is not needed. No one wants your mate. If they did, he/she wouldn't be with you. Think about it, ass bag.

Equipped with this newfound information, I expect you to go forth and use social media more appropriately than you have been doing as of late. Before you hit "post" scan over the list of rules, which I do suggest you print out and keep right next to your computer, lest you be tempted to behave like a total fucktard publicly yet again. One day, you'll thank me for saving you from further humiliation. Until then, try your hardest not to flood my feed with your window-licking stupidity. Do you really think anyone cares? Are you friggin kidding me right now???

New Facebook Rules

What used to be an adult playground has turned into a nightmarish hellhole filled with braggarts, bitches, whiners, and assholes. That's right, I am talking about Facebook. Perhaps I've gotten old, maybe I've gotten crabby, or, and here's the likely scenario, I have become irritated by the stupidity that surrounds me and need to say something about it. Not only do I want to voice my opinion, I want to help you to help me NOT kill you. Before you say, "Thank you," remember, I said it was to help me, it's all about me.  Due to my intolerance for assholishness, I've comprised some rules for you to follow from now on.

1. Photos are a lovely way to share what's going on in your life. Baby pics are adorable and are a great way to share your new addition with those who live far away. But please, I beg of you, leave your ultrasound out of the montage. I don't, and I know many of my friends don't want to see the inside of your wife's uterus, even when there is a fetus residing in there. Wedding photos allow those who couldn't attend your gala occasion to share in the festivities from across the miles. Limit them to under a dozen. We've all been to weddings, we know what happens. All we are interested in is the bride's dress, her flowers, and if your reception venue is snazzy. Even photos of a particularly successful homemade dinner are welcome in my world, as we all know that my love for food runs deep. But, seriously, every time you enter the kitchen, leave your iPhone in another room. Clearly the temptation to share every meal you create is too great to have your little buddy with you. Vacations are great, share a few well-chosen pics to represent the trip. If you feel it necessary to show us every stop you make along the way, put one of you into the photo. People are far more interesting.  Photos of you and your friends out on the town are great. Always nice to see someone having a good time. Posting photos of you sloshed and dressed like a fucking teenager when you are most definitely middle-aged, tacky as hell. I don't care how fit you think you are, you are old. Nobody wants to see your ass crack, your thong, your cellulite riddled thighs, or your aging titties stuffed into what even Victoria can't keep secret. Think classy, not trashy.
2. If you have a cold, a headache, a hemorrhoid, and really, truly HAVE to announce it...do it and be done with it. Those who care will express the appropriate amount of pity that you seek. The rest of us will roll our eyes, scroll down to find one of those funny "I fucking love science" pics and take another gulp of coffee. Do keep the pity parties to a minimum. Hallmark has not created invitations for them, therefore, you shouldn't be hosting them. Certainly not with such frequency. I'll let you in on a little secret, everyone has had a cold.  Most of us have had sinus infections, bronchitis, the flu, and a hemorrhoid or two. Some of us have even had migraines. Yes, migraines. We know exactly how you are feeling with all of your maladies and can empathize. Don't force us to tut tut and there there virtually each time you are "suffering" from one of them. And before your sensibilities get offended, I don't mean those of you who truly feel like shit, and rarely ever complain about it. You will receive ample amounts of empathy from me. The others...you know where you stand.
3. OH.MY.GOD did you really have a bad day? Was Murphy's Law written exclusively for you? Are you irreparably damaged by the driver who cut you off, the painter who showed up late, the egg that broke on the kitchen floor, and the cat vomit on your bedspread? Or is it possible that you can laugh about it? Well, if you can't, can you at least attempt to make ME laugh about it? Sometimes putting a humorous spin on an event can help you climb out of the wallowing pool you seem to enjoy diving into and put you into a better frame of mind. I'm not your therapist, I can't fix your misery. Only you can. Stop swimming in misery and develop a sense of humor, for Christ's sake. None of us go online to be dragged down by your shit, we actually have our very own shit.
4. Did your significant other give you a gift? Holy shit! No fucking way! Please, post a photo quickly, don't make us wait to see it. For those too dimwitted to understand, that was glaringly obvious sarcasm. A very good friend and I have always discussed this topic and the other day she sent me a Tweet from Ochocinco that summed up our shared opinion, "Women don't like roses, they only like to show them off to their co-workers." And truly, isn't that why men send them to your place of work? They look like heroes, make the other women's guys look like douchebags, and the women look pampered and fortunate to have such a hero in their bed. In reality, if a man wanted to impress you, and only you, he would walk through the door with those flowers and hand them to you himself. Following that line of thought, if you were appreciative of his gift, wouldn't you say thank you directly to him? Saying it on a social media site can only be construed as bragging, not gratitude. 

These are just a few that come to mind today. Stay tuned for another installment. You didn't think I was done with you, did you?  Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Agree to disagree, and don't be a loud wrong

Are we adults here or what? I've got a bone to pick with some of you who claim to be fully functioning, grown ass people. When did you fall off the cross? I ask this because, as of late, I've begun to notice a trend among folks who have decided that if they can't be right, they can't be your friend. Let me try to understand the logic, if I can. If we don't see eye to eye on every topic, we are simply incompatible as chums and should terminate our relationship immediately? Or, if that be the case and we aren't friends yet, we should turn tail and go on our merry way? Never the twain shall meet again? I really need to know the answer to this conundrum because I am finding myself in the thick of it almost daily. Does a person need to have everything in common with you before you consider even speaking to them? Are you that lofty and intellectual that you require total simpatico in order to have friends?

As I get older, I've begun to gain acceptance of the fact that people are just different and not everyone is going to share my opinions on various topics. And that is perfectly fine with me, as long as you accept that fact, too. My absence of an edit button should be glaringly obvious by now and most of you have remained at my side, laughed at my ridiculousness, and are still friends with me. Amazing! Face it, I put up with your shit, too. With the constantly growing list of things that piss me off, you'd think I'd be the one to abandon ship and go it alone. But I haven't, I like you too much. I thought you liked me, as well. Boy was I wrong! And we all know how often I admit to being wrong, so this is fucking huge for me, be kind.

Should we be in each other's company having a discussion about fuck knows what, and I decide to take the opposing side, don't walk away like a pussy. Stand there and disagree with me. Prove your goddamn point to the best of your ability. Let it get heated and loud, just the way I like it. Scream, swear, gesticulate wildly...be sure that I'll be doing the same and then some. It's fun to argue a point, more so when each party is participating equally. Of course, it's more than likely that I will be the one in the right, but give me a run for my money. Pull out all the stops and lay your cards on the table. Tell me why you are right and I am (oh GOD this is funny) wrong. Attempt to sway me to your way of thinking.  Try hard, dammit! Let me have my fun. Storming off like an angry toddler is lame and weak, and gives me no joy whatsoever.

Walking away is tantamount to giving up...and that implies that you figured out that you were wrong and had nothing left to say. Boo fucking hoo. Get your ass back here and try again. Even if we don't agree at the end of the fight, and we are standing there out of breath, red-faced, with high blood pressure, we will know that we had a little bit of fun at each other's expense.  What will also come out of this is the respect we now have for each other's ability to stand up for what we believe is right and the cojones to not back down from an argument. We can just agree to disagree and move on to the next thing while preserving our relationship.That is what adults do, in case you were unclear. Always here to help.

With the onslaught of ways to communicate thanks to technology, we can argue via text, on Skype, using FaceTime, in an instant message window, or on a social media site. Text arguments take on a life of their own due to the fact that you cannot see facial expressions or hear the tone of what's being said. This actually CAUSES arguments that may not have occurred in person or on the phone. Sarcasm doesn't often translate in print, nor does a playful tease. So many take offense at something innocuous sent via text because they are unaware of the spirit in which it was sent.  All the smileys in the world can't replace a wry look accompanied by a snicker to let you know that what I said was all in fun. And so, you get your panties in a wad, I have no idea why, and we are suddenly not speaking to each other. Only YOU know why, and you aren't telling.

Social media has turned many of you into laptop snipers. Hurling your passive-aggressive comments in threads that get your knickers in a snit, trying to out bitch other bitches online, and basically engaging in a wuss war. Would you actually say those things if you were face-to-face with that person? I highly doubt it.  The computer screen is your shield and you use it as protection from the real world, with its real people while you act all sanctimonious and holier-than-thou on the internet. Usually, it's the folks who have storage closets filled with skeletons who spew the most voluminous righteous indignation. Know this, I've got your number. Not only am I aware of just how fucktarded you are, but I also know that you aren't as magnanimous as you act on Facebook. Sweeter than homemade apple pie in your stati, and nasty as day old, putrid sin when you make your appearances on the stati of others. I'd say you were bipolar but that is insulting the mentally ill, and that's fucking uncool.

One more thought comes to my mind as I sit here, those of you who don't allow others to defend themselves when they are more than capable of doing so and certainly more adept at it than you. If someone I know is offended by anything I've said, they know that they can feel free to tell me. What they also know is that I will listen and then tell them that my opinion remains the same and perhaps, if they are lucky, we can have a battle of wits. It'll be great fun, and when it's over we will laugh ourselves silly and move on to bigger and funnier concepts. Do not, I must repeat since you are so slow of mind I feel you require it, do NOT step in and speak on someone else's behalf because YOU were offended.  Did you stop for a moment and ascertain that the person you are defending is actually upset? Of course not. Why would you? It's your panties that got all bunched up, so actually, you were speaking on your own behalf under the pretense of defending the innocent. Silly, silly boob.

As adults living together on this beautiful planet, we need to reach some kind of agreement about how we are going to deal with the issue of being unique individuals with differing opinions. We can snap and snipe at each other and drive away what few real friends we have with our inability to pull our heads out of our asses long enough to have intelligent discourse. OR, we can accept each other's differences, respect others' right to express those differences, and stop being a loud wrong. Opinions are not facts, they are not based in science, and cannot be proven. Basing your opinion on something you don't know makes you an ass clown. Arguing about it makes you a bitch. Doing it publicly where everyone else can see how stupid you are makes you a buffoon. Learn how to argue, have fun screaming and cursing, channel your inner Queens Italian and gesture like a mofo, and then let it go. Don't hold onto it like a security blanket, it couldn't protect you then and it won't help you now. Are you friggin kidding me right now???