Don't get your panties in a wad!

I like that phrase better than the whole "Keep Calm and..." bullshit that seems to be all over every t-shirt, coffee mug, and iPhone case these days. Keeping calm is a choice, and not always the best one. That rush of adrenaline is what fuels our fight or flight response, helps us mobilize in emergency situations, and defend ourselves and those we love. People who don't have the ability or desire to access that surge are as useless as tits on a bull. Sitting on an issue with a mindless grin on your face isn't going to solve it. Telling me or someone like me to calm down in a situation that requires testicular fortitude is asking for a kick in the throat. If you have no intention of being helpful, shut the fuck up and get out of my way.

Being faced with someone who is a raging nag or needling douche bag does NOT inspire a feeling of zen in me. Asking me to keep calm after you've pushed every fucking button I have is like stabbing me and asking me not to bleed. The fact is, if you know my buttons and you choose to push them anyway, you are begging me to behave in a rash manner. Whether it be junk punching you or verbally cutting your balls off, you've clearly requested it. My perception of you is someone who pulls the chair out behind someone to make them fall, and then laughs like a moron. What if I did that to your mother? Still funny? Why not? I'm someone's mother, you'd not think twice about doing it to me. 

Emotions are individual just like people, and asking someone to squelch them is ridiculous. Getting pissed off is as natural as breathing.  Although, after watching a movie made in 1956, I'm starting to think it's a recent discovery. Those people knew how to keep calm. Almost catatonic in their sea of calm and well-versed at keeping those around them equally as dead from the neck up. To quote from The Bad Seed, Christine tells darling little psychotic Rhoda twice, "Sometimes these things happen to us. And when they do, well, we just accept them." If that isn't absolutely in-fucking-sane, I don't know what is. Accepting disappointment is one thing, but putting it out of your mind instead of figuring out a way to not be disappointed next time, or learning from it and trying harder in the future sounds like a load of steaming bullshit to me. Accept your fate, whatever it is, and move on. Right. Great leaders are made that way...like hell.

Equally as annoying, are the people that let every goddamn thing piss them off.  You know who you are, don't pretend to be someone else now. Why does she believe in pro-choice/gay marriage/God/Fox News? How could you possibly like watching horror movies/soap operas/reality shows/sports? You drive too slow, too fast, eating a bagel.  He eats pizza/sprouts/cheese/candy/organic rice/McDonald's. How the fuck do these things affect your quality of life? I need it explained to me, slowly, so I'll understand fully since I don't speak fucktard. This makes no sense to me whatsoever. How does what I do, believe, say, or eat change your level of happiness or disdain? Am I that powerful? Tell me!  Because if I am, I need to know so I can channel these powers for my own benefit and leave you be. 

People like that are allowing far too many live rent-free in their heads. What they don't seem to realize, is that when you let every little thing bug you, you are handing over your freedom of choice, your personal power to someone else. You've now given them permission to dictate your moods and emotions. All fucking day long. Just how stupid are you? Is that individual so important, so integral to your being that they SHOULD have that kind of control over you? Nobody has that right. You are in charge of your emotions. You decide how to react to any given situation. And since it is your job to decide, don't choose to allow the actions of others to color your mood. Don't blame someone else for your sour face or miserable attitude, because, honey, that's ALL you. Remember, freedom of choice...it exists, use it.

Don't even get me started on the ones who let life's little speed bumps get them down for days on end. If you forgot to pick up bread while you were out, so what? Go back out. Your washing machine is making funny sounds, maybe you need a new one...not a Xanax. Oh my fucking God, did the movie rental place rent out the last copy of the movie you wanted? Holy shit! So what? Rent a different one or watch it another day. Did your coffee go cold? Pop that bitch in the microwave and shut your pie hole. Are you getting it? Most of what you complain about is utter nonsense. When you do it publicly, even if we don't do it out loud, we are laughing at you. Inwardly shaking our heads at just how incredibly dumbassed you are. 

Here's what I see. There are an ass load of people going through life with blinders on, allowing people to shit all over them, and not really feeling anything but catatonia. They are so busy trying to shush everyone else, they don't see the car barreling down the street about to hit them. Lacking in real feeling and balls, these are folks I wouldn't want with me in a real emergency situation. Light a fire under your asses, people! On the other hand, there is an equally large ass load of people who stomp through life pissed off at everything and everyone. Miserable fucks who seem to glean great joy out of being mad and telling anyone who will listen why that is. Spare us all the shared angst. Not only are you pissed about a whole lot of nothing, it's your fault that you are choosing to feel that way. We don't necessarily share your opinion, nor do we care that you've decided to allow the events of each and every day shove you down into an inescapable funk which requires you to announce every infraction that put you there. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Atheist doesn't have to equal asshole

Never one to care about the religious preferences of others, I don't really care what your affiliation is or isn't. Respect for all, live and let live. Even the bible thumping, Jesus freaks don't bother me...and they tend to be very verbose and overdone in their preaching and posting. If that's how you truly feel, shout it from the rooftops! Although, that doesn't mean you should use God to justify your ways of thinking about every topic from gun control to abortion to autism to marriage. You've developed those opinions over a lifetime, opinions which began in your childhood and were influenced by your parents. Opinions that have been enhanced by time, experience, and the company you keep. Referencing the bible and Jesus every time you take sides on an issue, frankly, is immature. Being a grown ass man or woman means you stand by your decisions, choices, and views and don't require back-up.

Religion can be a very important part of someone's life. Providing support, hope, and light at the end of a very dark tunnel, it can be the hand you hold during difficult times or the joy you feel on brighter days. Having faith, believing in something is as old as time. We all need something or someone to turn to at some point in our lives. It doesn't have to be formal religion, it can be meditation or just the feeling that something greater than you exists. Some people are raised in one faith and convert later on in life when they find the comfort they need in a different belief system. Many don't find a higher power until they are either much older, or are feeling their own mortality creeping up. No one way is correct. There are no rules regarding how or when you should believe. Very personal and private, belief and faith exist in our hearts and don't require explanation...to anyone.

Those who don't practice a formal religion or seriously believe there is nothing else out there but space and time are free to do so. Freedom of choice exists for all in our country, one of the many reasons I am proud to be an American. Atheism at its core is not a bad thing. Rejecting the existence of a deity or many deities due to a lack of empirical evidence makes perfect sense. Saying there aren't gods or a God because you believe in scientific evidence and theories like the Big Bang and evolution is perfectly understandable. Many Catholics are scientists and also believe in evolutionary theory. We accept the incongruities religion holds, and are able to juggle anthropological proof of life with our faith. It may seem a little like multiple personality disorder or total confusion on our part, but many of us are smart enough to separate the two. Like church and state, while they may have influence over each other in a very distant way, they are distinct entities and should and can be treated as such.

What this leaves me to wonder, are some atheists so stupid that they cannot accept that other people don't agree with them? Spouting off about how ridiculous religion is and how dumb assed those of us who believe in something other than the current alcoholic beverage we are drinking are for actually having faith in something we can't see or prove. While you are entitled to feel however you'd like about another human being, you are also expected to have respect for the differences that exist between us. We are all unique, no one is like anyone else completely. From skin color, to hair color, to size and shape. We've learned to accept those differences and like each other based on the person that is on the inside. Since, aren't we all the same under the skin? You may drink tea and I'm an obsessed coffee drinker. That doesn't mean I will mock you on the internet for all your friends to see. I watch Dexter and love the serial killer in him...I get his Dark Passenger. You may think I'm bat shit crazy, but you are still my friend. Differences are what make us fun to be around. If we all thought the same, believed the same things, and acted the same way, the world would be painfully boring and we'd have nothing to talk about over coffee OR tea.

And there's where I take issue with quite a few atheists. It's one thing to hold a belief that there is nothing TO believe in, it's quite another to criticize me for being Catholic. Easter is our holiest holiday of the year, a very solemn time for Christianity. While it does bring out the overzealous nature of some Catholics, we all experience the feelings and emotion of this time of year, remembering the sacrifice Jesus made for all of us...even you Atheists because God loves everyone. Some of us went public and sung the praises of our Lord and His ultimate sacrifice and miraculous return to us. To me, some were overdone and a bit preachy, but I made no comment and respected their need to testify. At the same time, there were quite a few non-believers who made no bones about being rude and judgmental about those who did believe.

I was shocked and horrified by some of the posts I saw all over Twitter and Facebook. Accepting the freedom of speech afforded us by the Constitution, I didn't respond to the barrage of nasty remarks and ecards that were all over my feeds. In retrospect, I probably should have reminded you that just as you have freedom to speak your mind, we have freedom of religion. Welcome to the United States, asshole. Oddly, I kept my mouth shut and my fingers still. But now, I am fuming and you need to hear what I have to say. Being an atheist is your choice, and I am fine with that. What I am not fine with is reading posts about "Zombie Jesus Day" and other bitchy posts about how Easter is bullshit and only an excuse to eat chocolate. No one is asking you to believe what we do, what we ask is that you allow us to celebrate our religious holidays in peace, free from your uneducated, fucktarded opinions.

My favorite post had to be the Ricky Gervais message. While you may have thought he supported your atheism and disgust for our organized religions, what he did was point out what a horrible person YOU are. One thing I've noticed about some atheists, is that they use their lack of belief in a higher power to justify the horrible life decisions they make and treating people like shit. Just like some Catholics hide under their bibles while stabbing friends in the back by gossiping, some Atheists are just as fucked up. Simply because you believe in nothing, doesn't give you the right to be a total douchebag. Ricky Gervais listed the Ten Commandments and was able to truthfully say that were he a Catholic, he'd have broken not one of them. This only proves that he is an innately good person, in possession of high moral standards. He is, but you are not. Those of you who don't believe in God but have coveted your neighbor's husband, and then dragged him into committing adultery...can you compare yourself with the standards Mr. Gervais has set? Lying and taking what is not rightfully yours, aren't acceptable whether or not you believe in God.

My point is, and I do have one, that many of you who mock us for believing in God, should look in your own backyard before casting judgement on us. Maybe we use religion as our own moral compass, but at least most of us have one. Can you say the same about yourself? You can lie to yourself, but I and many others know the truth about you. Pretending to be so righteous while behaving so heinously, you've outed yourself over and over. Don't for a second believe you are fooling anyone. Actions speak louder than words, and yours scream scumbag! Acting like a total shit heel and then mocking the religions of those who strive to behave in a, dare I say it, godlike manner, only serves to point out what kind of person you are...it doesn't prove your point about us at all. Make a fool of yourself publicly, that IS what you are doing every time you mock something you don't fully understand. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Wading through the dating pool, part 2: Women to avoid

Not one to be unfair or lopsided in my advice or opinions, I'd like to share some advice with the men about types of women to run from when searching for a suitable mate. After thinking about the guys that women should avoid and letting my mind wander over to the various types of women out there, I was horrified to realize that broads have some of the worst types of human beings among them. Guys, pay close attention, these chicks are insidious and I know you aren't that bright when it comes to matters of the crotch, I mean heart.

1. The Feminist: She thinks that everything that is wrong with society has something to do with YOUR genitals, and that if you'd allow yourself to be castrated, you could help fix the situation at hand. The scary part about her is that she is very two-faced in her thinking. While on one hand, she wants equal pay for equal work and to be allowed to play pro football...don't assume for one moment that she won't cut your ass down to size if you don't hold the door open for her or carry the heavy packages for her without being asked. Confusing, I know, but she is the biggest hypocrite you'll encounter on your mating journey. Simply avoid the self-proclaimed Gloria Steinems.

2. Gimme Girl: Basically, a high-priced, cleaner version of a prostitute, this skank believes her cooch is paved in platinum and worth every dollar she has you spending on her. Otherwise known as a gold digger, she will gladly "pay" her way in trade. Using sexual favors as currency, she will drain your checking account dry at the same time she is draining your pipes. Being a dumb shit, you won't notice at first. She is counting on your little head doing most of your thinking for you. In the beginning you will think you've stumbled upon the perfect woman. There's no such thing, ass clown. Don't fall victim to this whore. There is no pussy worth your life savings or your dignity.

3. Man-Eater: She is a card-carrying man hater. In her eyes, you'll never be more than a pig or a jerk. You can't please her, so don't try. She'll just accuse you of ulterior motives because all men are assholes and have only one thing on their minds, anyway. Being right is a privilege reserved for only her and other women. Possession of a ballbag has rendered you mentally underdeveloped and creepy to her, there's nothing you will do or say that will tease even the smallest grin out of her tightly pursed lips. Known for her spontaneous and usually public eruptions, you will be belittled and berated over absolutely nothing. Unless you are a masochist, write this one completely off.

4. Insecure Ida: This paranoid Patty will have you flushing your cell phone down the toilet in a matter of days. Not only does she barrage you with constant questions seeking validation, "How do I look" or "Am I pretty?" or "Where were you five minutes ago when I tried to call you and you didn't pick up?" and "Is she better-looking than me?"  Relationship checks become a part of your daily life now as she needs to know where this is going, do you see a future with babies and a picket fence, do you love her, and promise we will be together forever and ever and you'll never leave me. If this isn't enough, she will text and call you 20 or more times per day, to ask these same questions and to ensure you are always available for her and her ego massages. If you are partial to the life-sucking forces of this type of person and don't mind accounting for every shit you take, marry this whack job. If you enjoy a little personal freedom and don't like being her daily affirmation service, run far and run fast.  This one scares ME.

5. Spoiled Susie: The apple of her daddy's eye, Susie wants what she wants and she wants it NOW! Spoiled since the day she was born, she hasn't wanted for anything. Usually, her needs were not only met and exceeded but they were anticipated. Life for her was all about her and nobody else but her, and she likes it that way. Selfish doesn't even begin to describe her, Susie has never had to share the spotlight so don't try to sneak yourself in there. You will hang out with HER friends, go the movies SHE wants to see, eat at restaurants SHE likes, and listen to HER tell story after story while her friends ooh and ahh and laugh like they are at a comedy club. They've been trained, trust me. Nobody becomes an attention-whore without a very willing audience. Your job will be to take a backseat to her in all things and ensure she gets everything her little heart desires. Are you prepared to lose yourself? Didn't think so, kick this cunt to the curb.

6. Desperate Donna: Tick tock, tick, tock, that's the sound of her biological clock. She has no criteria beyond a male with a working sausage and fully functioning meatballs. You could resemble Attila the Hun and smell worse, but all she sees is a wedding ring and bassinet. She's a very pathetic and often the last of her friends to get hitched, making the situation all the more urgent in her mind. This one is VERY frightening...she will do whatever it takes to make the fairy tale come true. If you are able to sneak away from this one and avoid the altar, then have a romp in the hay with her...just be sure you are the one handling the condoms...it takes but a moment and a pinhole to change your name from Bob to Daddy.

7. Connie the Con-woman: Beware of this snake. She's been watching you and knows the keys to your heart. Able to transform into the type of woman YOU have been looking for, she tells you exactly what you want to hear while worming her way into your life and bank account. Assuming the character of female version of you, she is easily able to drag you into her lair, ripe for the picking. She will sit through action movies and cheer for the hero right along with you, bait a hook while holding back the vomit she'd love to empty out onto your shoes, watch sports with you while wearing the appropriate jersey and matching cap to show her solidarity...while knowing nothing about the sport and having previously capped on it publicly. Slick as grease and just as gross on the inside, she will work very hard as convincing you of her obvious perfect compatibility with you. BUT, once the claws have sunk to the inescapable depths of your skin, she flip flops into the psychotic harpie that she had been hiding from you all along. Except, now it's too late. Both your names are on the lease, the bank account, and she has befriended all of your friends, sucking up to them so much so that they'd side with her if you left now. Dear God, you fucking schmuck! Don't date her in the first place, what looks too good to be true almost always is.

Guys, I know this all seems a little crazy and overwhelming. How can I expect you to learn all of this and understand that it is all for your own good? Think of me as your personal filter. Use this list as your guide to maintaining your emotional health, personal freedom, and paycheck. One day, you'll thank me. In the meantime, use the head that rests on your neck to help you recognize the signs of a crazy-assed broad from a mile away. Don't let the little head control your every move, he's only out for himself. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Wading through the dating pool: men to avoid

Praise the baby Jesus that I do NOT have to don the dating bikini and jump into that end of the pool. When I look around at what's currently available, I am damn glad to be married. If faced with the choice between dating the losers that are on the market and being a cat lady, there would be no question that I'd be running to Petco to stock up. Fortunately, that is not the case for me. Lucky for you single ladies out there, I am not without compassion for your plight. Allow me to save you from falling into the pit of jerks, ass wads, douche bags, and fucktards. I've compiled a list of types of men you should be avoiding at all costs. Should you encounter any of these mouth-breathing shit heels, let the red flag that goes off in your head as you recall my words be your guide...the fuck out of there!

1. The Boor: You've seen him and perhaps even had a friend like him, in high school when his weenis ruled his brain and he had no common sense. This dipshit has no qualms about checking out other women while he's out on a date with you. Not only is he checking them out, but he's loudly commenting about her assets and likely to be comparing them to yours, which naturally, do not compare. He flirts with every woman you come in contact with on your date: the waitress, the coat check girl, the chick at the table next to you...it doesn't matter. If she has a vagina, he's strutting like a peacock. Don't call him out on it, you'll just be teased and referred to as "sensitive" and reminded that everyone has eyes. Maybe he wants his gouged out with your tweezers...he IS asking for it. Sometimes, this douche takes it one step further and regales you with stories about every broad he's nailed, complete with details about their physical attributes and a blow-by-blow about their romps in the sack. Steer clear of this swordsman, don't be another story in his repertoire.

2. The Arrogant Bastard: I'm not referring to the delicious ale by the same name. This dick weed thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread and isn't afraid to tell you and everyone else about it. At first, he seems confident and alluring. But soon after, you realize that his confidence is actually thinly veiled obnoxious conceit. No one does anything the way he does, and so, they do it wrong. Without hesitation, he will apprise that person of the error of their ways. Always condescending, he talks down to each person you run into while out on your date. The poor valet will question whether or not he actually is in possession of a valid driver's license by the time A.B. is done reminding him how to handle his "baby" while parking it. The waitress may end up in tears by dessert because he will have sent everything back since it wasn't up to his standards, as he calls her "sweetie" in a venomous tone meant to cut her down. This kind of conceit is usually found in men who are lacking in many other areas of their life...particularly in their tightie whities.

3. The Cheapo: When your first date is Dutch, I guarantee you that it's downhill from there. Don't expect token gifts or restaurants that don't accept coupons from this ass munch. You'll feel the pinch of his wallet tightening every time you suggest a place that may cost more than the Applebees senior citizen menu. Don't even think of asking to see a movie at a movie theater, that's why Netflix was invented, baby. Not only is it cheaper, but he can whip up a box of mac 'n cheese for you to split. Not your idea of a fun time? Then heed my warning, any guy who asks how much you have in your wallet or takes out his calculator to split the bill evenly down the middle is not boyfriend material. Hell, he's not even friend material. We all work hard for our money, I understand.  But if a woman is asked out on a date, she should be able to expect him to pay for the ENTIRE night.

4. The Disagreeable Prick: If you want to enjoy a good debate, watch one on TV. There's a Presidential election every four years, that's more than enough disagreement for anyone. But if you like being right at least every once in a while, don't even accept his offer to take you out. Spending the night arguing every point, even ones that are about you, personally, will only prove frustrating and exhausting. I'll bet you didn't know how LITTLE you knew before you met this jackass. You say "black" and he will say "white." You say "up" and he will say "down." There's no reason to even try to reason with this guy, he knows more and has no issue telling you so. Instead of a friendly conversation where you can learn about each other and discuss differences like adults, you'll be trapped in a never-ending argument from which you cannot escape. Just say "NO" and avoid the date completely. Unless you like grinding your teeth down to paste and throbbing migraines...

5. The Self-Righteous Ass: Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do? This goody-two shoes motherfucker is judging you from the moment you meet. He can teach you all about the dangers of the Equal you put in your coffee and remind you that caffeine isn't good for you, anyway. Is that flab he sees jiggling on your upper arm?  If you went to the gym six days a week like he does, your arms would be toned and tight just like his. Allow him to demonstrate some of the weight-lifting moves that he does to look so perfect. Oh my GOD!  Did you just order a drink? On a week night? You are just asking for a headache in the morning and really, do you want to drink your calories? Alcohol is empty calories, you know, and don't you want to get rid of that muffin-top? At this point you are wondering why the fuck he asked you out in the first place. So am I. If he's that in love with himself, there's no room for you.

6. The Perpetual Frat Boy: He believes that pizza is a food group and that the boxes look just fine on the floor of his apartment.  You know, the apartment he shares with his four other roommates because he can't seem to hold down a steady job long enough to pay rent on his own. And really, what fun would it be to live alone? How can you play Rock Band all by yourself? He has no intention of growing up which will be evidenced by his invitation to the kegger at his his BRO's house this weekend. If you have no desire to play the role of mother, bank account, maid, and designated driver for this loser...then don't even give him your number.

7. The Mama's Boy:  There is no competing with someone's mommy, so don't even bother to try. When he has to call and check in with her after you arrive at the restaurant because she worries when he drives so far, heed the warning bells going off in your head. If he cancels a date because his mommy needs him to help her choose paint colors for her house, don't answer his calls. Should he have to drive her somewhere every time you are together, eliminating any chance of alone time...change your phone number. And, for heaven's sake, if he still lives with her, eats every meal with her, and cuts her toenails for her...run for the hills! Although, you should have done your due diligence and found all this out before actually agreeing to go out with him and saved yourself the time.  It does provide for some funny stories on your next Girls Night Out, but wouldn't you rather be able to brag instead of bitch?

There are so many more types of men, but most border on abusive and any form of abuse should cause you to keep your number to yourself and walk away from the ass clown. If you want to junk punch him for good measure and as a reminder to never approach you or your friends again, feel free, he deserves it. As for the rest of these window-lickers, be aware, be alert, and be wise. It's easy now that your have the information at your fingertips! Print it out, memorize it, do whatever it takes to ensure you never have to deal with another date from hell. Life is too short to date an asshole. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Society is going to hell in a handbasket!

After chatting with a very good friend of mine about yet another high school scandal in the past two days, we both wanted to know the same thing. What the fuck is wrong with people? One school had a coach who solicited sex on an online classified ad site, posting multiple photos of his junk. The other school "boasted" a teacher/student school-year long relationship, busted by her dad catching them in the act of making the beast with two backs in his car.  After beating these two newsworthy stories to death, we were left to wonder, what has our country become? Who are these people, and what kind of parenting causes these types of humans to develop? My ideas rambled on almost maniacally in a text, "Poor parenting, double income households leading to guilt and over-indulgence, absent parents during crucial time periods, having too much too soon and looking for more." I'm not always eloquent, but I never hold anything back. This time was no different.

Confident that I am not alone in feeling this way, I have to use today for some personal venting. Kids today don't have a prayer of growing up emotionally healthy or ready to face the world as adults. With parents who raise children based on their own feelings of guilt and inadequacy, how can these future grown ups learn how to cope with things like disappointment and delayed gratification? They want it and they want it now. Parents today bend over backwards to make sure their kids get it. Fearful of damaging their child's fragile ego, they provide a buffer for anything negative their kids may encounter. Ensuring they have the correct brand of jeans or sneakers, attacking a teacher who had the balls to give that child a C, or calling another parent when their child didn't receive a birthday party invitation. If all you can afford is Target, that's too goddamn bad. At least your child isn't naked. If your child didn't study or do the work that was expected, they EARNED that C, the teacher didn't GIVE it to them. Maybe your kid is an asshole...assholes don't get invited to parties. Or, just as simple an explanation, the birthday boy was only allowed to invite a handful of children and he invited his best friends. Sorry, Danny is not one of them.

Having a crush on a teacher is a normal part of being a teenager. Young male teachers who are so gung-ho and show more interest in students than many of the veteran educators, often provide high school girls with enough fantasy material to last all four years. But that is where it should end, in the realm of a teenage girl's daydreams. Teachers are fucking authority figures. Any abuse of that authority is unacceptable. Abuse isn't only bullying or instilling fear in the students. It can just as easily mean using your status to convince a girl or boy that having a sexual relationship with an adult is perfectly fine. Using your perceived importance in the lives of children to make them feel "special" and somehow want to please you is wrong...or, allowing them to feel like they are your equal. I feel as though the teachers who abuse their position have issues that are two-fold. They are the product of guilt-ridden parenting who allowed them to develop a gigantic sense of entitlement. That is definitely clear. The other issue is that they know, they are truly aware of the lack of self-confidence these young men and ladies have from their experiences with rotten parents. They know and they use it to their advantage.

My question about society goes way beyond high school scandals. Why in the year 2013 do we even need to argue the definition of marriage? Who gives anyone the right to choose who another can or cannot love and spend the rest of their lives with...or are we not past the concept of arranged marriages? When did a person's junk become the criteria for who they are permitted to love? Aside from pedophilia and bestiality, love should not have limitations or rules. Marriage is a contract entered into by two people who love each other exclusively, want to spend the rest of their lives together, and publicly acknowledge these facts. I'd love to live long enough to see the day when their genitals don't dictate who they can love, rather it be the bond between their souls which draws and joins them together. I'd like my daughter to raise her children in a world where "Gay Marriage" is no longer necessary terminology. Marriage will be a privilege enjoyed by all, and all the rights that accompany it. I may have plagiarized my own Facebook status from yesterday, but who better to steal from than me? 

How is it that we live in a world where people don't care who they step on to get what they want? Where someone would rather step over you, laughing, while you lie on the sidewalk clutching your chest, than stop to help or simply call 911? A country where bullying is so prevalent and insidious, our children don't want to go to school or worse, prefer death to life?  Children should never feel so hopeless that suicide seems to be the only option! We are surrounded by people who push their way into lines, cut you off on the road, and let the door slam on old ladies. We are just as surrounded by the children of these same people...children they've taught by words and example how to behave like fucking buffoons. Children who will one day be teachers, police officers, doctors, or God forbid, the President of the United States. Children who bring their skewed view of others, their sense of entitlement, and their discourteous nature to their future professions. Is this the environment in which we want to grow old? This is the kind of thing that scares the shit out of me. 

Personally, I am disgusted with the future outlook. If something doesn't change...and change quickly, our lives are spinning down the shitter, and there isn't a goddamn thing we can do about it. Parents, wake the fuck up!!! You all reminisce about the good old days, but do you remember them well enough to recall what they were like? Do you remember how strict your parents were and how they actually had rules you HAD to follow? How things were simple and basic courtesy was expected from everyone...it wasn't a fucking choice.  Get with the program and start having expectations for your children. Demand accountability for their actions. Model appropriate behavior and they will follow suit. Stop being such pompous, self-serving ass clowns and make your parents proud. Trust me, they are hanging their heads in shame. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

The bitch doth protest too much, methinks

Shakespeare knew his shit. In Hamlet, he gave this line to Queen Gertrude when she claimed that the Player Queen affirmed far too strongly and so, lost credibility. Not what you thought it meant, I know. Most people are Shakespeare-challenged, which makes me very disappointed in the lot of you. Luckily for you all, my love for the Bard allows me to teach you a thing or two regarding the snarky methods of expression in his plays. When someone is too insistent about a topic, a red flag goes up in my head. Do you know what the flag says? In bold, black lettering, it announces, "This bitch is full of shit!" The opposite of a loud wrong, this person is hell-bent on convincing you that what they say is true, and heads to the mountaintops to state their case.

I'd prefer they head to the mountaintops, I may get lucky and they'll fall off.  Unfortunately, Lady Luck isn't my bestie, and so these fuckwads don't run for higher ground when they are trying to convince me of their side of the story. Instead, they bore me to tears in person, ranting and raving on and on about how only truth drips from their thin, lying lips. In person, it doesn't take much for me to see that you are blowing smoke up my ass. Your posture, your tone, your body language...all these and more, make it quite apparent that you are working overtime to convince me. The funny thing is, I've noticed that while you think you are convincing me, the person who really NEEDS convincing is YOU! The harder you work, the more you are telling me that even you don't believe the story.

Others take to the internet to convince the masses that they are telling the gospel truth. This happens more so when they've been called out on their bullshit...publicly. Scurrying to make sure that their story is believed over mine, for example, they post and comment like psychotics, attempting to negate what I've said. The fact is, if I've called you out in front of God and everyone, I'm right, you're not. Plain and simple. If your story had a shred of truth, you'd not have to convince anyone. As a matter of fact, most folks who make legitimate claims, don't bother fighting the naysayers. They know their story is completely valid and have no worries about one heckler in the audience tearing it down. Yet, the topic keeps rearing its ugly head every time I turn my computer on. Is convincing the rest of the world so important to you? Is proving me wrong even more important? Or is it that you are working so hard to convince yourself? I know the answer...because I know I'm not a crucial enough part of your life to haven taken up so much of your time.  Or am I?

This kind of internet battle is very immature, and only the biggest losers and liars tend to initiate this type of public display. My status postings reflect my view of the world, life, and sometimes, regarding certain people. By the time I've hit POST, I've thought very carefully about each word I'm flinging out into cyberspace. I may have researched the concept, had a discussion about it with a friend or two, or come to a conclusion about it all on my own. Those things may vary, but one factor is consistent, I'm never wrong. Not one to hit send before I re-read a text, I can assure you, if my words are hitting the masses, they have complete and total validity. This is not to say I don't make typos, because Lord knows, between my fat fingers and senior moments, I have made my share of errors. But I will not post incorrect information, fabrications, or call someone out unless I am positive they are full of shit. Unlike these, dipwads, I will not make a fool of myself publicly.

As adults, we can agree to disagree. If you don't feel that something I've said applies to you, I really don't care. You are entitled to disagree with me. When you feel the need to go public with your disagreement and try to prove me wrong, you've walked into a gun battle with a pocketknife. By the time I've pointed a finger, I've gathered all the necessary information, included my own personal experiences, and stated the facts as I see them. Your lack of intellect coupled with your flimsy version of the truth is no match for this broad. My ass cheeks are smarter than you on any given day. Don't even bother trying to disprove anything I've said, life is too short, and it's a waste of your precious time. I'm sure there are hundreds of other things you could be doing rather than making an ass of yourself and making me look even more intellectually superior. That isn't your goal is it? Each time you take a swing with that pocketknife, I'm only going to fire off another gut-splitting round into your liver. The smart thing to do is let it go. Smarter would be to own up to my greatness and admit that what I've said is 100% valid and true. But I have no great expectations for you at this point.

Here's what you should have learned today. The harder you try to convince me and everyone else of your story, the more glaringly evident it is that you are really trying to convince yourself. By extension of that, if you have to convince yourself, it's crystal clear that you are full of shit. When you choose to either tell tall tales or disagree with my hard-core facts, I will call you out. This will be public, painful, and hard to disprove. Attempting to disprove me will result in your looking like a fucktard, and continue to display me in a favorable and far more intelligent light. For that, I thank you. However, I don't need your help in that area of my life. My brilliance shines brightly with or without you. A life without you would be preferable, but since it isn't likely to occur, learn when to keep your flap trap shut and your fingers off the keyboard. I have no problem exposing you for who you really are.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Words to erase from your vocabulary, part 2

My hope is that you took the last post seriously and have begun replacing those words with something more descriptive and situationally appropriate. Perhaps you are feeling embarrassed by your lack of vocabulary, but I did give you alternatives. Today is no different. Allow me to help you become more socially acceptable and fit for human interaction. Should this offend you in any way, please feel free to go fuck yourself. Otherwise, I'd like to continue where we left off and give you a few more words to eradicate from your vocabulary.

6. Fag: This word means a cigarette in England, not a human being who happens to love a member of the same sex. The same is true for faggot, which is a bundle of wood. What really gets me, is the fact that when these terms are used, they are usually not meant to describe a homosexual. Most often, they are used to describe someone weak, effeminate, nicely-dressed, shy, or timid. Oh look, I gave you replacement words! If you have gay friends, like I do, feel free to use fag or queer when speaking to them.  Chances are pretty good that they will use those words WITH you. Beyond that, keep your opinions about same-sex relationships to yourself. It's none of your business who other people bang and we don't care what you think, anyway.

7. Schizo: Short for schizophrenia, half the time this word is used inappropriately to describe someone with multiple personality disorder. Schizophrenia is a disorder where the afflicted suffers from hallucinations, delusions, and disorganized thinking and speech. You may recall movies in which the main character hears voices...THAT'S schizophrenia. I take offense at armchair psychologists who diagnose others based on misinformation. If a person is delusional, call them deluded. Should they seem scattered, call them ditzy. If they seem to have mood swings, then call them moody. Jekyll and Hyde works for people who seem to have two distinct personalities depending upon how their day went...use that. Save the diagnoses for those better qualified, because it sure as hell isn't you!

8. Midget:  This isn't even valid term! It's outdated and doesn't refer to anything medically specific. If someone has dwarfism, then they are a dwarf and fit into a certain list of characteristics. Should you be referring to someone who just happens to be short, fuck you. Who cares how tall or short someone is, anyway? If this is something that entertains you, then you're a bit too easily entertained. Perhaps you aren't very smart...maybe we should call you a retard? Didn't think you'd like that. People of diminutive stature don't like to be labelled, either. I think the next time someone calls me a midget, I'll just reach up and punch that Sasquatch in the crotch.

9. Ball and Chain: Seriously? Do you still use this term to describe your wife? Explain to me why you married her in the first place. If she was so god-awful, why sign documents that tie you to her legally and financially? If she is THAT bad, then you are the dumb ass. Chances are, she's pretty damn amazing. She puts up with you and your white trash terminology, doesn't she? Women aren't prison guards, they don't literally prevent you from having your freedom. Unless she has duct taped your hands and feet and stuffed you into a locked closet, you are free to come and go as you please. Don't pretend that we don't "allow" you to do the things you want, it's insulting and blatantly untrue. Most men stop doing those things because they get lazy. It's easier to come home and sit around in your underwear while the old "ball and chain" cooks your dinner, does your laundry, and fetches your beer. Blaming us for your inability to get your shit together and have fun is fucking ridiculous.

10. Nigger: I hated typing that, so you know it really bugs the fuck out of me when you say it. Why in God's holy name do you still use this term? Do you like being called a Cracker? How about Honkey? I know I dislike Dago and Greaseball. The word is hateful and meant to cut someone down based on the color of their skin. Ethnicity and race are not choices, I didn't ask to be white. So, if you have no control over the color of your skin, how can you hate someone who has differently colored flesh? I have one thought...you're an ignorant motherfucker who was probably raised in a racist household by at least one Archie Bunker parent. Or you may just live in the backwater South where people haven't caught up to this century and think slavery is still in existence. Either way, it makes you a douche bag.

Those of you still using these terms should really be beaten with a baseball bat, but since I have an aversion to jail time, I'll skip the bludgeoning portion of the program. What I will do, is give you the opportunity to change the way you speak and think. Don't take too long, there are those who don't really mind handcuffs and jail cells who would love to pummel you the next time you use any of these words in their presence. Trust me, I won't step in to defend you. What they have in store for you is exactly what you deserve. Don't say I didn't warn you.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???