1. The Boor: You've seen him and perhaps even had a friend like him, in high school when his weenis ruled his brain and he had no common sense. This dipshit has no qualms about checking out other women while he's out on a date with you. Not only is he checking them out, but he's loudly commenting about her assets and likely to be comparing them to yours, which naturally, do not compare. He flirts with every woman you come in contact with on your date: the waitress, the coat check girl, the chick at the table next to you...it doesn't matter. If she has a vagina, he's strutting like a peacock. Don't call him out on it, you'll just be teased and referred to as "sensitive" and reminded that everyone has eyes. Maybe he wants his gouged out with your tweezers...he IS asking for it. Sometimes, this douche takes it one step further and regales you with stories about every broad he's nailed, complete with details about their physical attributes and a blow-by-blow about their romps in the sack. Steer clear of this swordsman, don't be another story in his repertoire.
2. The Arrogant Bastard: I'm not referring to the delicious ale by the same name. This dick weed thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread and isn't afraid to tell you and everyone else about it. At first, he seems confident and alluring. But soon after, you realize that his confidence is actually thinly veiled obnoxious conceit. No one does anything the way he does, and so, they do it wrong. Without hesitation, he will apprise that person of the error of their ways. Always condescending, he talks down to each person you run into while out on your date. The poor valet will question whether or not he actually is in possession of a valid driver's license by the time A.B. is done reminding him how to handle his "baby" while parking it. The waitress may end up in tears by dessert because he will have sent everything back since it wasn't up to his standards, as he calls her "sweetie" in a venomous tone meant to cut her down. This kind of conceit is usually found in men who are lacking in many other areas of their life...particularly in their tightie whities.
3. The Cheapo: When your first date is Dutch, I guarantee you that it's downhill from there. Don't expect token gifts or restaurants that don't accept coupons from this ass munch. You'll feel the pinch of his wallet tightening every time you suggest a place that may cost more than the Applebees senior citizen menu. Don't even think of asking to see a movie at a movie theater, that's why Netflix was invented, baby. Not only is it cheaper, but he can whip up a box of mac 'n cheese for you to split. Not your idea of a fun time? Then heed my warning, any guy who asks how much you have in your wallet or takes out his calculator to split the bill evenly down the middle is not boyfriend material. Hell, he's not even friend material. We all work hard for our money, I understand. But if a woman is asked out on a date, she should be able to expect him to pay for the ENTIRE night.
4. The Disagreeable Prick: If you want to enjoy a good debate, watch one on TV. There's a Presidential election every four years, that's more than enough disagreement for anyone. But if you like being right at least every once in a while, don't even accept his offer to take you out. Spending the night arguing every point, even ones that are about you, personally, will only prove frustrating and exhausting. I'll bet you didn't know how LITTLE you knew before you met this jackass. You say "black" and he will say "white." You say "up" and he will say "down." There's no reason to even try to reason with this guy, he knows more and has no issue telling you so. Instead of a friendly conversation where you can learn about each other and discuss differences like adults, you'll be trapped in a never-ending argument from which you cannot escape. Just say "NO" and avoid the date completely. Unless you like grinding your teeth down to paste and throbbing migraines...
5. The Self-Righteous Ass: Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do? This goody-two shoes motherfucker is judging you from the moment you meet. He can teach you all about the dangers of the Equal you put in your coffee and remind you that caffeine isn't good for you, anyway. Is that flab he sees jiggling on your upper arm? If you went to the gym six days a week like he does, your arms would be toned and tight just like his. Allow him to demonstrate some of the weight-lifting moves that he does to look so perfect. Oh my GOD! Did you just order a drink? On a week night? You are just asking for a headache in the morning and really, do you want to drink your calories? Alcohol is empty calories, you know, and don't you want to get rid of that muffin-top? At this point you are wondering why the fuck he asked you out in the first place. So am I. If he's that in love with himself, there's no room for you.
6. The Perpetual Frat Boy: He believes that pizza is a food group and that the boxes look just fine on the floor of his apartment. You know, the apartment he shares with his four other roommates because he can't seem to hold down a steady job long enough to pay rent on his own. And really, what fun would it be to live alone? How can you play Rock Band all by yourself? He has no intention of growing up which will be evidenced by his invitation to the kegger at his his BRO's house this weekend. If you have no desire to play the role of mother, bank account, maid, and designated driver for this loser...then don't even give him your number.
7. The Mama's Boy: There is no competing with someone's mommy, so don't even bother to try. When he has to call and check in with her after you arrive at the restaurant because she worries when he drives so far, heed the warning bells going off in your head. If he cancels a date because his mommy needs him to help her choose paint colors for her house, don't answer his calls. Should he have to drive her somewhere every time you are together, eliminating any chance of alone time...change your phone number. And, for heaven's sake, if he still lives with her, eats every meal with her, and cuts her toenails for her...run for the hills! Although, you should have done your due diligence and found all this out before actually agreeing to go out with him and saved yourself the time. It does provide for some funny stories on your next Girls Night Out, but wouldn't you rather be able to brag instead of bitch?
There are so many more types of men, but most border on abusive and any form of abuse should cause you to keep your number to yourself and walk away from the ass clown. If you want to junk punch him for good measure and as a reminder to never approach you or your friends again, feel free, he deserves it. As for the rest of these window-lickers, be aware, be alert, and be wise. It's easy now that your have the information at your fingertips! Print it out, memorize it, do whatever it takes to ensure you never have to deal with another date from hell. Life is too short to date an asshole. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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