6. Fag: This word means a cigarette in England, not a human being who happens to love a member of the same sex. The same is true for faggot, which is a bundle of wood. What really gets me, is the fact that when these terms are used, they are usually not meant to describe a homosexual. Most often, they are used to describe someone weak, effeminate, nicely-dressed, shy, or timid. Oh look, I gave you replacement words! If you have gay friends, like I do, feel free to use fag or queer when speaking to them. Chances are pretty good that they will use those words WITH you. Beyond that, keep your opinions about same-sex relationships to yourself. It's none of your business who other people bang and we don't care what you think, anyway.
7. Schizo: Short for schizophrenia, half the time this word is used inappropriately to describe someone with multiple personality disorder. Schizophrenia is a disorder where the afflicted suffers from hallucinations, delusions, and disorganized thinking and speech. You may recall movies in which the main character hears voices...THAT'S schizophrenia. I take offense at armchair psychologists who diagnose others based on misinformation. If a person is delusional, call them deluded. Should they seem scattered, call them ditzy. If they seem to have mood swings, then call them moody. Jekyll and Hyde works for people who seem to have two distinct personalities depending upon how their day went...use that. Save the diagnoses for those better qualified, because it sure as hell isn't you!
8. Midget: This isn't even valid term! It's outdated and doesn't refer to anything medically specific. If someone has dwarfism, then they are a dwarf and fit into a certain list of characteristics. Should you be referring to someone who just happens to be short, fuck you. Who cares how tall or short someone is, anyway? If this is something that entertains you, then you're a bit too easily entertained. Perhaps you aren't very smart...maybe we should call you a retard? Didn't think you'd like that. People of diminutive stature don't like to be labelled, either. I think the next time someone calls me a midget, I'll just reach up and punch that Sasquatch in the crotch.
9. Ball and Chain: Seriously? Do you still use this term to describe your wife? Explain to me why you married her in the first place. If she was so god-awful, why sign documents that tie you to her legally and financially? If she is THAT bad, then you are the dumb ass. Chances are, she's pretty damn amazing. She puts up with you and your white trash terminology, doesn't she? Women aren't prison guards, they don't literally prevent you from having your freedom. Unless she has duct taped your hands and feet and stuffed you into a locked closet, you are free to come and go as you please. Don't pretend that we don't "allow" you to do the things you want, it's insulting and blatantly untrue. Most men stop doing those things because they get lazy. It's easier to come home and sit around in your underwear while the old "ball and chain" cooks your dinner, does your laundry, and fetches your beer. Blaming us for your inability to get your shit together and have fun is fucking ridiculous.
10. Nigger: I hated typing that, so you know it really bugs the fuck out of me when you say it. Why in God's holy name do you still use this term? Do you like being called a Cracker? How about Honkey? I know I dislike Dago and Greaseball. The word is hateful and meant to cut someone down based on the color of their skin. Ethnicity and race are not choices, I didn't ask to be white. So, if you have no control over the color of your skin, how can you hate someone who has differently colored flesh? I have one thought...you're an ignorant motherfucker who was probably raised in a racist household by at least one Archie Bunker parent. Or you may just live in the backwater South where people haven't caught up to this century and think slavery is still in existence. Either way, it makes you a douche bag.
Those of you still using these terms should really be beaten with a baseball bat, but since I have an aversion to jail time, I'll skip the bludgeoning portion of the program. What I will do, is give you the opportunity to change the way you speak and think. Don't take too long, there are those who don't really mind handcuffs and jail cells who would love to pummel you the next time you use any of these words in their presence. Trust me, I won't step in to defend you. What they have in store for you is exactly what you deserve. Don't say I didn't warn you. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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