Who do you think you are?

I'm waiting...who the fuck do you think you are? Unless you are the President or the Pope, don't expect me to roll out the red carpet every time your stank ass feet hit the floor. I'm not your mother, I don't HAVE to do anything for you that I don't want to do. We're all adults here, we are fully aware of what common courtesy looks like and what the basic rules for living among other human beings are...so why am I constantly faced with people who behave like they haven't passed Preschool? I thought it was simple, I thought you could manage, but I was wrong yet again.  Giving you credit where it clearly wasn't due. Since your preschool teacher failed to help you learn grace and courtesy, allow me to step in many years too late.

1. Take turns: You aren't the most important person on the planet. Nobody has had the balls to tell you before now, so I feel that was necessary. If I arrived before you, then it's MY turn. Pushing ahead, wiggling your way in front of me, or cutting me off will not work. You may get behind me, where your ass belongs, or, I will loudly point out the proper protocol to you and shame you into the correct behavior. Although, if you push me, I will probably push you back much harder and with much more malice. Take heed.

2. Move left to right: This is the United States of America, and we do things left to right. We read, write, order things from biggest to smallest, and move along a buffet line in that direction ONLY. If I am at Sweet Tomatoes and have queued up to someone's left, rest assured, I am headed to the right. Many of you think it's perfectly normal to fuck this up by sidling up next to my someone's right and attempting to push your shit in front of me. Know this, I'm faster, stronger, and louder than you and I'm not afraid to muscle my way in the correct, socially acceptable direction while yelling at you for doing it wrong. I did it last night, and I will do it again and again because I'm sure the people I'm referring to won't see this because I'm going to assume anyone that rude probably can't read.

3. No cutting!: We've all screamed it while lining up for recess. But, years later, you are ALL doing it. Why?  Is your cow's milk more important than my almond milk? Will your ice cream melt before mine if you have to wait behind me? Are your perishables more delicate? When queuing up at the ticket window line, do you consider the fact that everyone there is attempting to accomplish the same thing...purchasing entrance to the theater? And, by extension of that, if we are all going to the same place...does it matter who gets there first? The movie won't start earlier just because you've arrived. The dude in the projection room doesn't know you and certainly doesn't give a flying fuck. Get over yourself, dickweed.

4. Apologize for bumping me: That's right, an apology is required when you ghetto slam into someone you are walking past. Being elbowed, slammed, or shoved are among none of my favorite sensations. Even knocking my purse askew or God-forbid, off of my shoulder is a crime against nature in my book. I don't carry a fucking backpack, it doesn't stick out that goddamn far. If there is enough room, and usually there is, take a wide berth around me. I have no qualms asking you which of us you feel is too fat for you to pass without touching me. And I certainly don't have any issue at all elbowing you back, as hard as I possibly can. So, should you neglect to follow the wide berth rule and accidentally, because I KNOW you aren't doing it on purpose because that would make you a giant ass wad, just say, "I'm sorry," and move along.  It's three syllables, most 2 1/2 year olds can manage that phrase with ease.

These are just a few of the rules necessary for living among the rest of us peacefully. Take your time, read, understand, and memorize them.  Be ready to apply them the next time we come into contact. As I've said, my fuse is short when it comes to these things, I will lose my shit if you break one of the rules in my presence. Manners aren't an option. Grow the fuck up and be respectful, I don't want to have to beat into you what your mother failed to teach you. Are you friggin kidding me right now???