1. The Feminist: She thinks that everything that is wrong with society has something to do with YOUR genitals, and that if you'd allow yourself to be castrated, you could help fix the situation at hand. The scary part about her is that she is very two-faced in her thinking. While on one hand, she wants equal pay for equal work and to be allowed to play pro football...don't assume for one moment that she won't cut your ass down to size if you don't hold the door open for her or carry the heavy packages for her without being asked. Confusing, I know, but she is the biggest hypocrite you'll encounter on your mating journey. Simply avoid the self-proclaimed Gloria Steinems.
2. Gimme Girl: Basically, a high-priced, cleaner version of a prostitute, this skank believes her cooch is paved in platinum and worth every dollar she has you spending on her. Otherwise known as a gold digger, she will gladly "pay" her way in trade. Using sexual favors as currency, she will drain your checking account dry at the same time she is draining your pipes. Being a dumb shit, you won't notice at first. She is counting on your little head doing most of your thinking for you. In the beginning you will think you've stumbled upon the perfect woman. There's no such thing, ass clown. Don't fall victim to this whore. There is no pussy worth your life savings or your dignity.
3. Man-Eater: She is a card-carrying man hater. In her eyes, you'll never be more than a pig or a jerk. You can't please her, so don't try. She'll just accuse you of ulterior motives because all men are assholes and have only one thing on their minds, anyway. Being right is a privilege reserved for only her and other women. Possession of a ballbag has rendered you mentally underdeveloped and creepy to her, there's nothing you will do or say that will tease even the smallest grin out of her tightly pursed lips. Known for her spontaneous and usually public eruptions, you will be belittled and berated over absolutely nothing. Unless you are a masochist, write this one completely off.
4. Insecure Ida: This paranoid Patty will have you flushing your cell phone down the toilet in a matter of days. Not only does she barrage you with constant questions seeking validation, "How do I look" or "Am I pretty?" or "Where were you five minutes ago when I tried to call you and you didn't pick up?" and "Is she better-looking than me?" Relationship checks become a part of your daily life now as she needs to know where this is going, do you see a future with babies and a picket fence, do you love her, and promise we will be together forever and ever and you'll never leave me. If this isn't enough, she will text and call you 20 or more times per day, to ask these same questions and to ensure you are always available for her and her ego massages. If you are partial to the life-sucking forces of this type of person and don't mind accounting for every shit you take, marry this whack job. If you enjoy a little personal freedom and don't like being her daily affirmation service, run far and run fast. This one scares ME.
5. Spoiled Susie: The apple of her daddy's eye, Susie wants what she wants and she wants it NOW! Spoiled since the day she was born, she hasn't wanted for anything. Usually, her needs were not only met and exceeded but they were anticipated. Life for her was all about her and nobody else but her, and she likes it that way. Selfish doesn't even begin to describe her, Susie has never had to share the spotlight so don't try to sneak yourself in there. You will hang out with HER friends, go the movies SHE wants to see, eat at restaurants SHE likes, and listen to HER tell story after story while her friends ooh and ahh and laugh like they are at a comedy club. They've been trained, trust me. Nobody becomes an attention-whore without a very willing audience. Your job will be to take a backseat to her in all things and ensure she gets everything her little heart desires. Are you prepared to lose yourself? Didn't think so, kick this cunt to the curb.
6. Desperate Donna: Tick tock, tick, tock, that's the sound of her biological clock. She has no criteria beyond a male with a working sausage and fully functioning meatballs. You could resemble Attila the Hun and smell worse, but all she sees is a wedding ring and bassinet. She's a very pathetic and often the last of her friends to get hitched, making the situation all the more urgent in her mind. This one is VERY frightening...she will do whatever it takes to make the fairy tale come true. If you are able to sneak away from this one and avoid the altar, then have a romp in the hay with her...just be sure you are the one handling the condoms...it takes but a moment and a pinhole to change your name from Bob to Daddy.
7. Connie the Con-woman: Beware of this snake. She's been watching you and knows the keys to your heart. Able to transform into the type of woman YOU have been looking for, she tells you exactly what you want to hear while worming her way into your life and bank account. Assuming the character of female version of you, she is easily able to drag you into her lair, ripe for the picking. She will sit through action movies and cheer for the hero right along with you, bait a hook while holding back the vomit she'd love to empty out onto your shoes, watch sports with you while wearing the appropriate jersey and matching cap to show her solidarity...while knowing nothing about the sport and having previously capped on it publicly. Slick as grease and just as gross on the inside, she will work very hard as convincing you of her obvious perfect compatibility with you. BUT, once the claws have sunk to the inescapable depths of your skin, she flip flops into the psychotic harpie that she had been hiding from you all along. Except, now it's too late. Both your names are on the lease, the bank account, and she has befriended all of your friends, sucking up to them so much so that they'd side with her if you left now. Dear God, you fucking schmuck! Don't date her in the first place, what looks too good to be true almost always is.
Guys, I know this all seems a little crazy and overwhelming. How can I expect you to learn all of this and understand that it is all for your own good? Think of me as your personal filter. Use this list as your guide to maintaining your emotional health, personal freedom, and paycheck. One day, you'll thank me. In the meantime, use the head that rests on your neck to help you recognize the signs of a crazy-assed broad from a mile away. Don't let the little head control your every move, he's only out for himself. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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