Eight Crappy Co-Workers to Avoid Like the Plague

With the creation of reality TV shows like Toxic Office, I felt the need to address this as it affects you. While it's hilarious to watch the suffering of others in their workplace, it's painful as hell when it happens to you. I'm certain you've come across as least half of these bitches and fuckers, but let's pick them apart one by one and see who works in your office!

1. Rival Rachel:  Rachel wants everything you have. Do you have a job one level up? She wants to be your equal. Are you gunning for a promotion? Rachel is, too. She is actively cutting you off at the pass to show you up and prove her skills far better than yours. Did you just get a raise? Dammit, it's high time she got one, too. She thinks nothing of marching in and ensuring your salaries are at the very least equal. For whatever fucking psychotic reason, she has it out for you and your standing in that office. Watch your back, her sword is poised and ready.

2.  Griping Gail: Gail's bad attitude is like a fast-spreading fungus throughout any workplace. This one walks around with a huge rain cloud over her head and will try to pull you under with her. You often wonder why she is still working with you if everything sucks big donkey balls like she often claims. The only conversation you've every had with her is likely to be a bitch fest about someone you work with, for, or the company in general. The problem is, she weaves her complaints in such a way that she sucks you into her vortex of anger  before you are even aware it exists. Now you are in a foul mood and have no fucking clue as to why. Stay FAR away from Gail, unless you want to require medication just to come to work in the morning. She will bring your ass down.

3.  Critical Cathy: Cathy is a close cousin of Gail. There is no one who does anything to Cathy's standards and she has no trouble letting you know. Hell, she'll tell anyone who will listen, doesn't matter if it's about them or someone else. Not only does SHE have a certain way of doing things that no one can replicate,there's often a former co-worker who also did things her way and there's no way YOU are filling his shoes. Cathy isn't a manager, she's a grunt just like you. However, she does it better than management, as well, because she just does. She's usually the one who has been there since the dawn of time and has begun to believe she actually founded the place...in here eyes, she may as well have, she's contributed so much. More than you, so pay attention! Tune this bitch out. Work is the only place anyone probably listens to her, the only place she feels remotely powerful. She's also usually older than dirt, so keep quiet and respect your elders.

4.  Flaky Florence: Florence is very difficult to work with for quite a few reasons. She is one of the most unreliable people you will ever meet. Never there when you need her, and when she is, she needs more help than a toddler trying to blow his nose. You'll love the reasons she calls out of work. Bizarre illnesses or hangnails and paper cuts which keep her home for days, her excuses provide entertainment at the very least. Some will make you shake your head before you laugh yourself silly. Didn't her grandmother just die six months ago? The answer is yes, and the other one died three years ago so it's not her, either. Her excuses have excuses and she is as useless as tits on a bull when she actually shows up to work. You can't fix her, you won't believe her, and you'll wind up stepping in for her ass more than you bargained for...transfer out of her department if you can. It's a never-ending life suck.

5.  Narcissistic Nancy: Nancy loves herself oh so much. Wait, you don't? Hold on a sec, allow her to tell you why you should share in this love affair. Nancy talks about nothing but herself. Don't think it's all personal stuff, nope. She likes telling you about what she does there that makes her so great. She can detail out her day like no one else you've ever met. The thing is, most of her jibber jabber is pure, unadulterated bullshit. She is Queen of the Tall Tale, listener beware. Although, more often than not, her fabrications are pretty transparent. There are times that sorting out her bullshit with other co-workers can be a fun group activity, but you definitely don't want to get trapped in the break room with her to gather that info.

6.  Big Mouth Brenda: Oh, Brenda, is nothing sacred anymore? Why must you tell everyone that I have my period? Just because you nabbed me on the way to the bathroom with my gigantic supply of feminine hygiene products of varying sizes and absorbencies, doesn't give you the right to not only mention it to every female colleague you run into, but speculate if that's why I'm so cranky today. I'm cranky because I ran into you with fucking ammunition to discuss about me and I'm pissed that I didn't see you coming and duck quickly with my products hidden better. Brenda blabs about everything, so don't confide in her. Your job depends on your discretion around her.

7.  Judas Julia: Julia will throw you under the bus in a fucking heartbeat. She's not adult enough to own up to her mistakes so she's become quite adept at finger-pointing and casting blame away from her general direction. She is a dangerous colleague and requires careful handling. The main objective is to always remain on her good side. She's far less likely to call you out to the big boss for her mistake if she likes you. Make her like you, for the love of all things holy. She's a force to be reckoned with and you aren't up for the reckoning.

8. Know-it-All Natalie:  Natalie loves to commandeer meetings with her wealth of expertise. Never one to shy away from crowds, she thrusts her hand higher than anyone's ensuring she is called upon to share her next barrage of commentary on the topic at hand...then segue into other topics that interest her. You can't teach an old dog new tricks and you can't teach Natalie anything. She knows it already. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, that's her. Not only does she know it, she knows new permutations on the theme and better ways of doing it. The best part about her...she is usually WRONG. This is what makes her bearable. After listening to her seemingly endless diatribe about issue X, you can rest assured that once again she's made an ass out of herself and provided you with hours of dinner conversation with your family that evening.

These are just some of the people you may work with, and I'm sure you could add to this list based upon your own work experiences. Actually, I'd love for you to add to the list! Let's make it complete, let's protect the innocent workers of America. I am always looking out for you, trying to prevent you from being a fucktard in public, it's time for you to step in and help another. Positive that you can double, shit..triple this list, step up and name some of the mouth breathers in your office! Will we make each other laugh so hard that tears stream down our legs? Most definitely. Will we change any of these douche canoes? Are you friggin kidding me right now???