The telephone shouldn't piss me off this much but..

When I was a teenager, I had an intense love affair with the phone. My mom would yell for me to get off over and over, but I enjoyed talking so much, I barely heard her. She eventually grew weary of the phone bill being sky-high and her friends being unable to get hold of her. That was when I proved my love by paying for all the local calls AND call-waiting. Then, when she yelled for me to get off, I could tell her that I paid the bill, I can talk as long as I want. Snotty little shit that I was.  But, in general, I had excellent phone manners. I knew how to answer politely, ascertain the identity of the caller, take a detailed message, and carry on a lovely conversation with whomever called at that moment. Many of my mom's friends and co-workers often mistook me for her when I'd answer the phone, my manners so mature and lovely. Didn't hurt that we not only looked alike, but sounded almost identical. But I digress. The point is, I had phone manners. People today do not.

When someone calls and asks to speak to my husband, nine times out of ten...this is not an exaggeration...they can have their question answered by me. Since I arrive home earlier than he does, I am usually the one who answers these irritating calls. After I've told you that he isn't home, this is his wife, may I help you...think about the nature of your call. If you are calling about a job opportunity, then I understand when you want to leave him a message rather than chat with me. But if you are calling to sell long distance service, ask about one of our bank accounts or credit cards, let me assure you, I possess the same amount of information and expertise on the topics and can easily help you if you weren't a sexist motherfucker. Alas, you are, and you want to speak to the man of the house. Why? Do you think the little lady can't make a decision about cell phone service? The little lady who probably has more education than you, random cold caller? It's definitely your loss, not mine. Know why? Because I won't even tell him you called, nor will I consider doing business with someone who thinks that women aren't smart enough to deal with such lofty matters.

Are you really asking me what phone number this is after I've spoken to you and listened to your spiel about whatever the fuck you are selling? You called ME, window licker...tell me what number you called. I'm not doing your job for you, if you don't know who you called, where is all this information coming from, anyway? This leads me to the person who calls my house and yells "Who's this?" when I answer. Seriously, how fucking stupid are you? You dialed the phone, you tell me. If you don't know because you are trying to reach the other two people who live here, you should also know who I am, as well. If you don't, then you don't know ANY of us and you are a pathetic excuse for a sales person and should probably be fired on the spot. But generally, the person who demands to know who I am isn't a sales person. I have no issue telling off a sales person, but I don't necessarily want to ream out the ass of someone's friend. Although, if this is the idiot you are calling a friend, you may want to rethink your friend circle a bit.

If the local police department was truly fundraising, do you think they'd actually call you personally? Or the fire department or any other public service department? They do not make those calls, nor do they enlist the help of a fundraising corporation to make those calls. If you doubt me, try asking them some questions the next time you get one of those calls. Ask where they are located, the name of the chief of police and who requested they make this call. While you are at it, ask where the fuck they got your phone number from, anyway? Right away you will find they make no sense and start to stammer all over themselves in an attempt to make up some convoluted bullshit response. A better idea would be just to hang up on them. Many folks haven't developed their sense of rude as keenly as I have, I am aware. I have no qualms about ripping someone a brand new asshole for calling before I hang up in the middle of myself screaming. I do this so I am actually hanging up on myself, not the jackass caller. A trick I learned from my grandpa, and I love it.

This is the era of technology, I know. But why can't I get a real human being on the other end any time I call a company? Why is everything automated? You can't possibly anticipate every question or problem I may be having, so how can you automate different options and think the list is complete? I will always skip to an operator as fast as possible, whether I hit zero or say "representative" or "operator," I assure you, I want a live body on the other end. Many times the automated systems crap out midway through the button pushing nightmare and you have to call back and start from the beginning, only to have it crap out again. Just because something is highly technical doesn't make it better. Sometimes talking to a person who can understand your particular situation and actually think of alternate ways to assist you is the superior option, far more so than the annoying recorded voice that often doesn't even recognize the number you've repeated four times and still hasn't transferred you to the correct department. We need real people manning the goddamn phones...who do you think is calling you, a machine?

Wrong numbers happen, I've fat fingered the phone key pad more times than I care to admit and have had to apologize to the stranger at the other end. What I don't do is argue with the person who answered and insist that I have the right number and they must hand the phone over to the person I am trying to reach. Explain to me why someone would argue with me about what MY phone number is? It's MY number, I know it by heart and can recite it anytime you'd like to hear it. How hard is it to admit you dialed wrong or perhaps wrote the number down incorrectly when it was given to you? We all make mistakes, own it and move on. Don't scream at me, pester me, and tell me that I am wrong and the number you've dialed is correct. It's not, I don't know you and now I don't like you. Another thing I won't do is call the same wrong number back a second time...and I certainly won't insist that THIS time I am right, dammit. I've had this happen to me and have been tempted to try to reach through the phone and rip the person's throat out. Don't be a loud wrong with me, I am louder and will win this battle.

When you call a different time zone, be aware of the time difference. Know the amount of hours you must add or subtract to your local time BEFORE you dial the number. I can't tell you how many calls I've received on a Saturday morning at 6:30am from some ass wad on the East Coast who has no idea that we are three hours EARLIER and can't comprehend why I am now yelling at them about the time difference, math, their brand of stupid, and why they should never call me ever again. My favorite response is, "Oh, I didn't know I was calling California." Really, you didn't? When you didn't recognize the area code as anything on your coast, it didn't set off alarm bells in your head? And, tell me, you truly have no idea what area of the country you are targeting today? That's the biggest pant load of shit I've ever heard. You didn't know, my fat ass. A little piece of advice, if you don't recognize the area code, look it up before you call or just assume they are on the opposite coast. Either way you won't piss someone off by waking them up before dawn's ass crack.

Sales calls should never come. But since that will never happen, let me amend that statement. Sales calls should never come during the dinner hour. Again, this could be a time zone issue, but if it isn't and you are just one of those rude fucks who use the dinner hour to ensure they actually get someone at home, don't expect me to be pleasant about it. I've asked if I can have their number so I can call them back during dinner another day. They never seem to want to share that info with me. I guess that may be because it's fucking rude as hell to call while people are eating with their families. Maybe it's because they don't like phone calls from total strangers trying to swindle money out of them for some nonsense item or service they have no interest in or they'd have called first. Who knows? What I do know is that if you call me, be ready for a headache, and perhaps the shock of a lifetime. I'm going to scream words that will make a sailor blush to ensure you understand how much the call is NOT appreciated.

Can we please bring back phone manners? It may be retro of me to want that, but isn't retro IN right now? Not that I care about being IN or current. I'd like to speak to real live people on the phone not machines. I want callers to check the number before they dial and maybe even ascertain the coast they are calling. Admit when you've fucked up and dialed incorrectly, it's far more classy than arguing with the person on the other end who knows their own phone number. Show some respect for women and speak to us like we are in possession of a functioning and educated brain instead of insisting that you need to speak to our husbands.  Some husbands aren't that bright. Mine is extremely intelligent...but that isn't always the case in every household. And don't forget there are the ones where the head of household IS a woman. Don't piss off the person who answered the phone, is that too much to ask? Are you friggin kidding me right now???