1. Life Sucking Lily: Some folks think you were put on this planet to assist them through every aspect of their lives. Not only assist, but make them feel better. They overload you with details about everything that is going on in their world and expect you to pick them apart, searching for the deeper meaning of each occurrence. The deeper meaning and how they can improve it or kick it to the curb. If they'd only listen to you, this type of friend has the potential to make you feel like a sage, a lifesaver, a hero. The problem is, they don't ever listen. Not the first time, not the second, not the 423rd. Forcing you to put your own needs aside, you give and you give...and they take and take some more, leaving you physically and emotionally drained. The problem is, you truly care about this friend. You want what's best for them, for them to be happy. Here's a secret...they will NEVER be happy, with or without your help. Think about it. Life is too short to waste on this one.
2. Me Me Mimi: She's always in a bind. Can you babysit for a few hours while she runs a few errands? Do you have an extra sleeping bag for her kid's sleepover? Maybe you can run it over to her because she simply can't leave the house right now? This chick thinks nothing of asking you to kennel your cat when she visits because she has allergies. God forbid she takes a fucking pill before she comes over. Make sure you have the correct bottled water when she arrives otherwise she will dehydrate at your home and it will be all your fault. Believe it or not, she thinks nothing of making these requests of you. She feels entitled to the things she desires, and since you are her friend, you should be willing to accommodate. The fun part of this friendship...ask her for a favor. See what happens. It is amazing how many appointments and errands she has to run the moment you actually need her to help you. Don't bother counting on her for anything. The only needs she will satisfy are her own.
3. Bullshitting Brenda: Poor, poor Brenda. She has so little self-esteem that she feels she needs to fabricate things to keep up with you and your life. She sees you as someone she aspires to be...so she pretends that she is. Sometimes she will tell you one story and a mutual friend something completely different. Trying to suit her audience and accommodate the level of trust she has for each of you, the "facts" she is conveying will be very specific to the one to whom she is speaking. Check in with the mutual friend after having a talk with Brenda. If she has spoken with Brenda, too, compare notes. A $250,000 house in your conversation may be a $500,000 house in the conversation she had with your friend. You'll never really know the truth because she likes it that way. Her version of the truth suits the way she views your relationship. If she feels above you, her truth may suffice as is, but should she feel you trump her in any way, her version of truth may be padded for your benefit. What I can't understand, is why you bother with her anyway? How can you have someone in your life whom you can never believe? Kick this twat to the curb. Her issues are not yours.
4. Competitive Connie: Very similar to Brenda, Connie may also have issues with conveying the actual truth. She feels like she not only has to keep up with you, she has to surpass you. In everything. If you buy new shoes, Connie is a day behind you, and hers are more expensive and bear a schnazzier nametag. When you go on vacation, she's busily booking her next three getaways. Connie cannot be outdone, and she won't. Don't try to start an exercise routine, she will start three and lose more weight in two weeks than you could possibly in two months. She has to look better and have more than you to feel remotely good about herself. Why she chose you as her competition, you'll never really know. But rest assured, the games never end. Morphing from one into the next, you'll find yourself struggling to beat her out just to say you can. Don't turn into Connie. She's a cunt with inferiority issues that probably have their genesis in her childhood. You can't fix her, you can't beat her, and you certainly don't want to become her.
5. Single White Female: A close relative of Connie, SWF doesn't want to compete with you, she worships you. She wants to BE you. If that isn't creepy enough, wait until you show up at work wearing the identical outfit. She'll just smile and tell you how much she loves your style...as you are slowly backing away from her in abject fear. Piece by piece, she'll own most of your wardrobe, makeup, and accessories. Eventually, she will begin to sound like you as she adopts your vocabulary and mimics your inflection and tone. Explain to me why the fuck you'd keep her as a friend? Unless you feel safer keeping her close...
6. Psychoanalyst Sally: No, she isn't really a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist or social worker. She fancies herself an expert on the mind, personality disorders, and relationships. Picking apart all your flaws, the flaws of your mate, your children, and your family, she takes great joy in bestowing upon you all her worldly advice. Of course, you didn't ask for it. That's ok, she doesn't wait for your plea for help, she doesn't need it. Her knowledge needs no invitation. You are clearly in need of her assistance and she is more than willing to give it in vast quantities. Should you be a complete and total flailing loser who requires constant advice and help in every area of your life, hold on to Sally, she's your life raft. But if you are anything like me, her help is as welcome as sharp fingernails being dragged down a lecture hall-sized blackboard. Stay as far away from her as possible...out of her radar.
7. Whiny Wendy: There is nothing in her life that makes her happy. Not a damn thing. How do you know this? She tells you all goddamn day long. Her job sucks, her mate is useless, her mother calls too much, her brother doesn't call enough, her hair is one constant bad hair day, she's too fat, too thin...not one thing in her world is as it should be. When she can't access your ears in person or on the phone, and you don't respond to her texts, she takes the next road and posts all over social media sites, bitching and moaning about her day for God and everyone to see. Unless you have the patience of a saint or are partially deaf, just let her find a new sucker to emotionally drain and annoy.
8. Raincloud Rita: If you've ever watched SNL and seen the character played by Rachel Dratch, Debbie Downer, you know exactly what I mean without me typing any further. Should you be SNL ignorant, and shame on you if you are, let me explain. This chick is a walking rain cloud. She can take the joy out a newborn. Always ready to tell you all the potential bad, danger, evil, and problems with the current situation, Rita sucks the happy out of any room she enters. If you have even the smallest spot on your shirt, she points it out. That zit you were hoping was sufficiently covered, she notices and points out loudly. Are you about to go on vacation via airplane? She knows all the potential flight hazards and plane crash statistics for the airline you are using. She is a walking, talking buzzkill and has no place in your world.
9. Bipolar Betty: Oh dear Lord, this one takes the cake! Like walking through a mine field, her friendship is potentially explosive and just as scary. You can be her partner in joy, celebrating her day with great zest. Or, you can serve as her punching bag should her day not have gone according to plan. The choice is hers and you can't avoid the pendulum as it swings your way. Sadly, your day and its tone is totally dependent upon how hers is going or how last night went. One phone call can take a perfectly pleasant day and spin it on its axis, creating a vortex of spitting anger and vicious barbs aimed directly at you even though you've had nothing to do with it. She is migraine-inducing and frustrating as fuck. Send her packing!
These are just nine of the types of friends you may have or make along your life's journey. Having these guidelines should help you decide which ones to keep and which ones have asses requiring you to plant your foot in as you swing the door open wide enough for them to fall out. Don't hesitate, don't hem and haw. Just kick these twats out of your life before you lose your fucking marbles. Or worse, you become one of them or a frightening combination of several. To have friends, you must be one first. NONE of these people are a true friend. None of them have your best interests at heart. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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